31. Matteo
CHAPTER 31
MATTEO
I t’s time.
The deep glow of late afternoon sunlight illuminates the bright white stone face of the church. The large structure is surrounded on all sides by lush greenery, the scent of the air so fresh and clean. I take a deep breath, letting it fill my lungs as I squint up at the sky.
I slowly walk up the steps, wondering if what I am looking for…what I know I need to find…will lay beyond the heavy mahogany doors. My palm grips the brass handle, pulling it open. I expect to see the inside of an ornate church, but instead, the doors open to an expansive meadow surrounded by a large lake.
I step through the doorway and onto the grassy knoll, my feet sinking into the soft earth. I trek toward a group of people congregated by the water’s edge. They stand in a semi-circular formation, whispering in hushed tones. I can’t hear what they’re saying, and I need to. I know that. I pick up my pace, my walk turning into a run, a sense of impending dread crashing over me as I get closer and closer to where they stand.
I can’t see. I can’t see, and I need to. I’m desperate, like I know my life, or someone else’s, depends on it.
I still can’t hear their voices. I can’t see their faces, just their backs, the sound of whispering that seems to have no words. I need them to speak up. I call out. Over and over again.
They don’t turn. They don’t move.
Fuck, they don’t get closer, even as I run.
I shout, trying to get their attention. I yell louder and louder, and still, they don’t turn. I run faster but the ground swallows my feet like I’m moving through mud. My shouts turn to pleas, to threats, and back again.
They never turn around.
I open my mouth and shout, and nothing comes out. Nothing has been coming out. All I can hear is what loops through my brain.
But I have to get there. Be there. See what it is they stare at.
It’s a beat in my bones. A burn in my blood.
As sure as air.
I keep trying but my voice only swells inside me. It doesn’t hit the air. They can’t hear me, and I push myself to the edge of endurance and then past it.
Progress.
They’re a little closer now, and there’s pain with every step I take forward. I don’t care. I need…I need….
Finally, I’m there. I grab one of the people, but my hand comes away with nothing. I scream to get out of my fucking way, but of course, they don’t hear me. Then on their own, like they’re a miracle or a warning or worse, the crowd separates, creating a small space for me to peek through. I creep toward the opening, everything in me on fire. And I can finally what they’re staring at.
Bright white. It’s beautiful.
Flowy material billows in the light breeze and a peal of laughter breaks the stillness in the air, washing away the fear that gripped me only seconds earlier.
I release the breath I’ve been holding.
It’s my Heaven.
I no longer have to search.
She’s right here in front of me.
Alive, beautiful, here.
I’m ready to sink down into peace. To let go.
She’s safe.
But letting go is harder than I thought. There’s a thread of real panic in me. And it won’t let go. It tethers me, lingering like an ominous shadow eclipsing the happiness that everyone else seems to share in this moment, including Heaven.
Why can’t I feel that same happiness?
Why am I waiting for darkness to emerge…to swallow us whole?
Deep red curls cascade down her creamy back, covered by a thin layer of lace. She spins around, a tight bunch of pink calla lilies clutched in her hand. She smiles when she sees me, lips like rubies, the rhinestone tiara on her head glittering like a crown.
How apropos, since she’s my queen.
A perfect thing to be protected, loved, cherished.
She holds out her hand to me and it’s an offer of everything I never knew I wanted, and everything I desperately need.
Her hand is a lifeline. Her hand is the future. And it’s mine.
Isn’t it?
I reach for it, interlacing my fingers with hers.
I smile, pushing my way closer to her, the crowd suddenly thick, suddenly trying to push us apart.
She’s being pulled away. Or pushing me away.
I don’t know.
Panic builds, beating razor wings against my bare and bruised body. Against my already bleeding flesh.
No.
Her hand is wet and slick. There’s red. Blood. I push toward her. I need to protect my queen, my Heaven.
I need to save her.
But there are too many people, and the meadow is gone. I’m in thick, wet quicksand, and it’s cold and dark and bitter. I can no longer see Heaven, just the slick red fingertips grasping and slipping from mine.
I fight the hunger of the muck that’s trying to pull me into a black, endless abyss. I fight to get to her.
There. I see her face again. But she’s not smiling now. A river of red runs down. My pulse spikes and I scream. It’s agony that rips at me.
And Heaven…
Dear God, Heaven.
Heaven’s lips part and a scream erupts into the air. I push through the quagmire, my legs sinking deeper and deeper the more I fight the seemingly inevitable.
The crowd fills in around me, watching me struggle, staring blankly when I yell for them to help Heaven.
I have to save her. But I need to get out of this first.
I can’t save Heaven if I can’t save myself.
She’s bleeding and she runs toward me, the bottom of her gown disappearing into the murk. It swirls around her ankles.
No. Not her.
Heaven will die if she comes any closer.
But she can’t hear me. And she won’t stop.
I yell and I yell for her to back away. I need to save her. I’ll give my life for her. I need her safe. I lunge for her, but the more effort I expend, the faster I sink. The quicksand rises around my chest, constricting my lungs.
The people surrounding us disappear one by one until we are the only two left. There’s no meadow, only the quicksand that threatens to swallow us whole.
My chest heaves and I draw in labored breaths.
She’s all by herself. I have to protect her.
She keeps coming, trying to reach me. It doesn’t matter that I betrayed her. She’s coming. And I can’t let that happen.
I struggle against the murk but escape seems impossible.
My fate is set.
Heaven’s eyes flood with tears when she soundlessly calls to me, trying desperately to yank me from the quicksand. But the more she pulls, the harder it drags me under.
And worse? Her with it.
A loud explosion erupts around us. I can’t twist in the direction of the chilling sound. I can only watch Heaven clutch at her chest, blood-red stains spreading over her wedding gown as her body bucks and jerks.
Assailants flank her on all sides. Dark, ominous shadows of destruction. They’re there to hurt, not to save. I’m in the quicksand and I can’t reach her. They’re hurting her and I can’t absorb the deadly blows.
That was my only job.
I failed.
Again.
She falls to her knees, bruised and bloody and I scream her name. She looks at me, a final tear slipping from her eye before she collapses backward into the tall grass.
I’m dragged further into the depths of my own personal hell, the one where I am forced to live a life without my Heaven.
But instead of darkness, bright white lights flash behind my eyes, sickles of sharp pain slice at my insides. Heaven’s crumpled form ripples like a stone skimming across the slick surface of a lake, fading away as tormented thoughts pop between my ears like bullets, the sounds growing louder with each passing second.
I didn’t stop the horrors from consuming her, the ones coming from all directions.
And now she’s gone forever…because I couldn’t save her.
So I let go and give myself to the abyss.
To oblivion.