Chapter 26
twenty-six
Charlie
“H ey,” I said way too happily for being just friends. I stood on the first step, putting Cash and me at eye level. It was the first time I’d seen him since I got home from the hospital. “Where have you been all day?”
He scrubbed a hand through his hair. “Just trying to get the album finished.”
I reached up and smoothed a couple of rogue curls back down. “Well, I’m glad you’re home now.” I bounced on my toes. “Did you hear?”
“That you were awarded an honorary OB-GYN license?” he chuckled. “Yeah, I heard.” His words were normal but he seemed nervous. He wasn’t looking at me. In fact, he was looking anywhere but at me.
“It was the craziest, coolest thing I’ve ever experienced.” He was still avoiding my gaze. Did I have something between my teeth? I ran my tongue over them. I bounced on my toes. “Wait till you see the baby. She’s so cute.”
“Yeah. I saw a picture. She looks like you.” He put his foot on the bottom step next to me. Finally, those bleached blue eyes met mine, and my heart did this silly, fluttery thing. “Hey,” he said quietly. “I wanted to see if you’d come out on the lake with me. Right now.”
“Oh.” I didn’t want to disappoint him, but… “I was headed to my parents’ to help Jane put up a welcome home sign for Mom and the baby.”
His face dropped a disproportionate amount for the lightness of our conversation.
“But you should come with me.” I grazed a finger over his forearm. “We could use some height and muscle.”
Still, no excitement. He had his heart set on the lake for some reason.
My phone vibrated in my pocket and I pulled it out.
Theo
Jane and I put up the sign. We’re in Honeyville, picking up diapers and wipes. I’ll text you when we’re all on our way.
“Seriously?” My entire family was in Honeyville without me? Another text appeared.
Theo
Sorry. We knew you were busy cleaning. We’ll be back with Mom, Dad, and Cate in a couple of hours. See you then.
I was itching to get my hands on Cate again but I rolled my shoulders back. “Okay. It looks like I have some time. Let’s go out on the lake.”
Cash’s face broke into a beautiful smile. “Let’s do it.”
His flip-flops slapped against the hardwood floors like he was in a hurry—and he didn’t slow his stride once we were outside. I practically had to jog to keep up.
When we got to the dock, he walked to the motorless dinghy.
“Don’t you want this one?” I gestured to the one with the motor.
“Nah.” He grabbed a pair of oars and stepped into the boat. “I feel like rowing. I’ve been stuck in the studio too much. My muscles are atrophying.” My eyes slid over his strong arms and sculpted shoulders that were visible even under a T-shirt. Nope. Those muscles were just fine.
“Okay.” I looked around. “Where are all the oars? I can help.”
He set his oars down on the floor of the boat and reached for me. “I’m good. You relax.” He held onto me until I made it to my seat and then turned and used an oar to push off.
He wasn’t kidding. He must’ve really wanted to get a shoulder workout. I’d never seen him row so fast. Also, he might’ve had too much caffeine today. His right knee wouldn’t stop bouncing. Something was off about this whole excursion.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
“Fine.” His Adam’s apple dipped. “How about a round of Lyric Wars?”
Lyric Wars was our more modern spin on Name That Tune, only instead of humming, we sang lyrics. It was one of our nightly traditions in high school.
I rubbed my hands together briskly. “I don’t know if you want to do that. My repertoire has expanded a lot since the last time we played.”
“I bet it has.” A slow, knowing grin tugged at his mouth, his gaze dark with something unreadable. Something that said he was coming for me.
My fingers gripped the edge of the seat. What was that?
He laid the oars down behind him. I glanced around. How had he gotten us out here so fast? We were dead center in the lake.
“Okay, Iron Man,” I said, a tad taken aback. “Hit me.”
His gaze intensified, his elbows resting on his knees. And then he started to sing.
Hard to leave you when you were all I ever wanted
The hair on the back of my neck stood up. Was this…?
Hard to pretend when my heart never stopped.
Questions burst through my mind. What? No—where? No— how ? But he was still singing.
I was too scared to take your hand
My hands pressed against my cheeks, powerless to stop the horror from taking over my face.
Didn’t think I’d get a chance.
I shot to my feet, making the boat wobble. I turned away from him, fighting to catch my breath. “You went through my stuff?”
“No.” His voice held no shame. “You left it open on your bed.”
Did I? I’d been in such a hurry…I wasn’t sure. Either way…“It was in my room.”
“Open on your bed,” he repeated as if it made it okay.
I spun back around to look at him—no, to light him up—making the boat tip side to side. But he was no longer in his seat. He was walking toward me, wearing a stupid, lovesick gaze.
“Charlie,” he said, low and husky. His eyes had me in their sights, locked and loaded, and I felt the hit straight to my chest.
Without thinking, I stepped back, forgetting where I was. I stumbled, tripping over the seat.
He reached out to steady me. “Hey. It’s okay.”
“It’s not okay!” I yelled, jerking my arms free. “You invaded my privacy!”
His head bobbed side to side. “Well, technically, you wrote a reply song to my song. So I think if anyone had a right to read it, it’s me.”
“No.” My hands went to my hips. My chest heaved with hurt. “That didn’t give you the right.” My mind was racing and I was struggling to catch my breath. “Did you go through the rest of the notebook?”
His head tipped to the side like what do you think ?
My jaw jutted. “You read them all.” I blinked, working with all my might to keep the tears in. I never would’ve thought he’d do something like this.
“Tell the truth.” He didn’t look smug or satisfied. Just frustrated and confused. “What are you angrier about? That I read the love songs you wrote about me, or that you got caught in a lie?”
“Caught in a lie?” My voice was shrill. “What lie?”
His shoulders dropped. “That you’re not in love with me when you actually are. The same way I’m in love with you.”
“N-no, I’m not. That’s…you’re making assumptions. Maybe I just like to write songs.”
“No.” His jaw clenched. “They were too specific. And you wrote my name all over the pages. And your name. Our names together. Mr and Mrs. Dupree. And hearts. There were hearts everywhere. Around every single song.”
Hot shame hit my cheeks. I had done that. Like an infatuated tween ships herself with her favorite celebrity because…I never thought he’d see. Never thought anyone would see.
He took a step toward me.
“Stop!” I held my hand out. “Don’t take another step.” I scrambled to the back of the insufferably tiny boat. If he touched me, I might actually kill him. Or crumble in his arms. Both were unacceptable responses.
He prowled closer, his determined stare never leaving mine.
“Don’t!” I screamed. “Cash Dupree, keep your cocky self on that side of the boat!” I pointed to the bench I’d tripped over, drawing a dividing line. But his expression told me that wasn’t happening. My eyes darted wildly for some kind of leverage.
And then I spotted my salvation.
“Or so help me, I will pull the drain plug!” I reached down and hooked my finger around the metal ring to show I was serious. His determination wavered momentarily, his foot pausing mid-step. “Ha! Wouldn’t want to explain that to Ford now would you?”
His lips pressed together like he was calling my bluff. Then he finished his step, leaving nothing but air between us.
Desperation shot through me and I pulled the plug. Water poured through the opening, making a triumphant glug, glug sound. Surely, that would stop him.
“Put. It. Back. You know you’re not going to sink the boat. And we are having this conversation.”
I dangled the plug over the water like I was a three-year-old threatening to flush her favorite toy out of spite. “No, and you can’t make me.”
His nostrils flared and his arm shot out, fingertips grazing the front of my shirt.
In a fit of pure madness, I launched myself out of the boat and cannonballed into the lake. The water swallowed me whole, cold and disorienting. The impact knocked the plug from my hand. I looked around frantically, but it took a few seconds before my eyes adjusted to the murky depths. The plug was nowhere. Crap! Ford was going to kill me.
I kicked up, up, up, until my head broke the surface. At least I’d escaped Cash. Looked like we weren’t having that conversation after all. I turned to see what was surely the most pissed-off expression he’d ever worn.
But he wasn’t in the boat.
My gaze darted around, searching.
Suddenly, he erupted like a freaking sea monster, five feet behind me—shirtless and livid. I screamed and dove back under, kicking hard for the shore—but my shoes were heavy, impeding my progress.
When I came up for air, he was right next to me, his expression a swirl of anger, shock, and that stupid smolder that was permanently etched into his face. “You sank the boat,” he growled.
“It’s your fault,” I said, my voice shaking, almost hysterical. “You pressured me and I don’t handle pressure well!”
His jaw was tight, biceps shoving water in and out—gliding like a dolphin while I flopped around, fighting for movement like a dying fish. “Take off your shoes,” he said. “I’ll carry them for you.”
“No. I don’t need your help,” I humphed. When had this lake doubled in size?
“Give me your shoes,” he said again after I struggled to go another fifteen feet.
I couldn’t argue. My Nikes might as well have been concrete anchors. So I doggie-paddled as I pried them off and handed them over. My shorts and shirt felt almost as heavy but those weren’t negotiable. I’d rather sink to my death.
When we heard a thick sucking sound, we glanced back at the boat. It was halfway under already. He hissed a swear word.
I took off for the shore.
He took one stroke to my every three, like Michael Phelps at a backyard pool party. “Grab on to my shoulders and I’ll tow you.”
“No. I can do it,” I said stubbornly.
“Why won’t you have this conversation with me?”
Instead of answering, I swam away. At least I tried. But frustratingly, he was right next to me.
His hands cut through the water like a propeller. “At least take your shirt and shorts off.”
“Wouldn’t you like that?” I huffed. “I’m not stripping to my skivvies in front of you.”
He sighed. “It’s not a big deal. I’ve seen you in a bikini. You used to wear them all the time.”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine. You sound like you’re about to pass out with all that wheezing. Your clothes are wearing you out.”
“Shut up! I wouldn’t be out here if it weren't for you. What kind of—” I gasped. “Terrible person.” Gasp. “Shanghai's someone.” Gasp. “And then sings them their own song.” Gasp. “That was never supposed to see the light of day?”
He smacked one of my shoes against the water. “The kind who is desperate to love you. The kind who wants to know why the hell you don’t want to be loved. Why are you fighting this so hard? You know you want it.”
I did. So much. And I didn’t know what hurt worse—that he knew that now, leaving me completely exposed for the rest of my life, or that I couldn’t give it to him.
A sob clawed its way up, so I dove back under to escape his words. He went with me. When I came up, he came up. We went like that, up and down, three more times. A mermaid and her annoyingly protective merman.
“I’m going to hang with you, no matter what you do,” he said, and I knew he meant longer than this swim.
I looked at the shore, a hundred yards away. It looked like a hundred miles. “Your choice,” I said, like sticking with me was a punishment.
“Yeah. It is. And I’m choosing you. And I’m going to keep choosing you until you choose me back.”
A rush of panic gripped my lungs.
I flexed my feet and straightened my legs, stopping my forward propulsion. “Why?” I cried. “We’re not a good fit.” I lifted my chin, trying to stay above water, but my muscles were spent.
His arms came around my waist, crushing me to his hard chest. I was too tired to fight and I let myself collapse against him, catching my breath. His cheek was warm against mine and I leaned into it, closing my eyes. He was so…
Everything I’d ever wanted.
Kind. Funny. Handsome. Frustrating in all the right ways. He made me feel things I didn’t feel with anyone else.
Once again, I couldn’t deny that I felt safe in his arms. Peaceful. Now that he was carrying some of my weight, the water bobbing us up and down only added to that. Like I was being rocked to sleep.
“We’re a perfect fit.” His mouth was right next to my ear, but his words lit a fire in my belly. “And you know I’m right. We know each other better than anyone. We laugh and we flirt and we fight and we come back stronger than before.”
What was even the use anymore? I whimpered as I gave in, wrapping my arms around his neck. “I’m not good enough for you. Pretty enough. Talented enough. Kind enough. Lorne made sense. That’s why I didn’t stay with you in Hawaii. I couldn’t believe it was true. You loving me has never made sense.”
His nose brushed against mine, his warm breath ghosting over my lips. “Don’t say that. It’s not true. You’re better than me in every way.”
“No.” My fingers threaded into his hair as we kicked to stay afloat. “I’m nothing.”
He cupped my cheek with one hand, the other still gripping my waist. “Don’t you say that about the woman I love.” His jaw clamped. “You are perfect for me.”
There was that word again. It kept popping up. Just flying out of his mouth, piercing me like an arrow. I tried to push away but his arms tightened around me.
I shook my head. “I’m not perfect. But you are. And that’s why this won’t ever work.”
“You are and it will,” he said through clenched teeth, as if he could fix world peace with sheer determination. Maybe he could. But he couldn’t fix this.
I twirled one of his curls around my finger. “I’m not fishing for compliments. You’ll see I’m right.” He would. I was going to show him as soon as we got out of the water. It would put a stop to this once and for all. “Cash.” I leaned back to look him in the eye. “I’m going to take off my shirt and shorts, and then, you’re going to let me swim to shore without your help. When I get out, you’ll see that I’m not perfect.” I pressed a hand against his stubbled cheek. “It will break my heart when you decide you don’t want me but I promise to forgive you. You’re my best friend and you always will be. N-no matter what.” I squeezed my eyes shut but the sobs were overtaking my words. “Even when I w-watch you m-marry the love of your life. Whoever sh-she is.”
He gaped at me like he’d been punched in the gut. And like I was slipping through his fingers, and he had no idea how to hold on. “You are the love of my life.”
I shook my head. “I’m not. Trust me.”
I shoved off of him and kicked my legs out to keep myself afloat. I pushed off my shorts, then peeled off my shirt. My pulse hammered as I watched the lake steal them, pulling them under like it knew what I was trying to hide. Not even my matching pale pink, lace-trimmed bra & panties could help me now.
I didn’t let myself look at Cash—though I could feel him watching me—as I swam with the little strength I had left. When we finally reached the shore, our shoulders barely out of the water, I put a hand out to stop him.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be perfect for you,” I said. “I wish things were different.”
“Charlie, what is going on?”
“Just…please don’t say anything to anyone. They’ll all lose their minds. Promise me.”
His head tilted, worry lines forming around his eyes. “I promise.”
“Let me get out first.”
He watched me go, so confused.
I swam ahead, knowing I only had a few more seconds where this secret was mine and mine alone. Then my feet touched the silt bottom and I knew it was over. I pushed up to a stand, my back to him.
As I approached the shore, the breeze kissed my back like a goodbye. Fighting tears, I hugged myself, arms covering my middle. But it was coming. There was no stopping it now.
“Charlie,” he said. “Tell me what happened to your back. That isn’t from allergies.”
I took two full breaths and then, over my shoulder, I said, “It’s…an acid burn.”
“What?” The words sounded strangled. “What happened?”
“The front is a lot worse. B-but.” My chin quivered uncontrollably. “This is why I disappeared for a while. For a long time, I didn’t know if I wanted you all to ever see me again. I know that was w-wrong but it’s how I felt.” The sobs were coming so hard I could barely talk. “I’m g-going to t-turn around, okay?”
Arms still crossed over my stomach, I rotated until I was facing him.
He was fifteen feet away on the sand, water dripping off of his beautiful, chiseled body, his soaked shorts hanging low enough to make my pulse stutter. His expression was confused and frantic, like he’d just realized he was standing on a landmine. His eyes darted over me, searching for whatever I was hiding.
One more slow exhale and I let go. My hands fell to my side. I couldn’t look at him but I knew what he was seeing: a gnarly scar spanning the entire right side of my stomach, from right below my breast to the top of my panty line. The skin was uneven—some parts raised and ropey, others sunken and tight, as if the acid had tried to chew its way through me, only to be stopped at the last second. The edges were a deep, ruddy pink, fading into the stark, waxy white of dead flesh in the center.
I made myself look at him. I needed to. So I’d never come back to the place where I mindlessly daydreamed about what a life with him would’ve been like. The horror on his face was exactly what I’d always imagined it would be. Like he was disgusted and broken by the sight and he wished he could hide.
A sob wrenched out of me, ragged and unbidden, echoing in the air. But that sound was a release. It was finally done.
I turned and sprinted for the house. When I got to the deck, I grabbed a beach towel someone had hung over the back of a chair and wrapped it around my body.
“Charlie!” Cash shouted, jogging up the hill. But he was just doing his duty.
And I was already gone.