Chapter 26
26
GRANT
Christmas didn’t mean anything without Tess. I’d wrapped myself in trees and lights and those warm, fuzzy feelings only Tessa could induce, but now I couldn't stand to look at any of it. Just like I couldn’t bear to look at Tess where she sat across the table. Kelly sat next to her, directly across from me, but I had no interest in looking at Kelly.
Tessa was wrong. I knew exactly who I wanted, and I knew those feelings weren’t going to change. I had never been in love before now. Yesterday, I’d naively pictured telling Tess I loved her next to the tree. Maybe under the mistletoe. Somewhere Christmasy.
I couldn’t tell her now. If she didn’t trust my feelings—didn’t trust we belonged together—I had no intention of trying to manipulate her with the L-word.
I didn’t know if Tessa was watching me, because I never looked. I pushed my food around, made enough polite conversation with my parents and the Davises at the head of the table for my mood to go unnoticed, and I set down my fork as soon as everyone else did. I wasn’t hungry.
At the foot of the table, Emily was making snarky jokes and dropping subtle jabs about her surgical opportunities.
I didn’t care.
Maybe I’d never care about anything again.
The rest of the evening went by in a blur. There were presents and desserts, but I was going through the motions. I pasted on my biggest smile and pretended to be happy, even though all I could think about was this morning. It had only been ten hours, but I felt like it was a thousand years ago.
Tess stood up after dessert. “I’m going to head out, everyone.”
A chorus of disappointed groans followed her movements. I said nothing, instead feigning interest in the crumbs of pie crust on my plate. “You sure?” Juliet asked. I pressed the pad of my index finger against the crumbs, then licked them off. They were sawdust on my tongue.
“You want a ride?” Emily asked.
Tessa was already shaking her head. “I can walk. I want to walk. Enjoy the holiday lights and clear my head.”
I swallowed hard. I hadn’t put the noise in her head, but I couldn’t help but feel responsible. Anger and guilt, guilt and anger. Neither emotion was helpful, and yet they were all I could feel. Unable to stop myself, I looked up at Tessa, and her eyes caught on mine. “You sure? I’m heading out in a minute. I can drive you.”
We both knew I wanted to reason with her, but I would absolutely drive her home in silence if that’s what she needed. I’d do anything for her.
“I like to walk,” she said simply, shrugging into her coat and beginning to button it up.
“Have it your way,” Juliet replied, leaning in to kiss her daughter on the cheek. “Don't freeze to death out there.”
“You got it,” Tessa replied, smiling warmly at her mother. She began handing out hugs, but I remained seated. As badly as I wanted to feel her in my arms, melting into my embrace the way I knew she would, I had to respect her wishes and keep what we’d had private.
“I was thinking of leaving soon, too. Would you mind giving me a ride home?”
The words pulled me out of my head, and I looked away from the door, where Tessa had just exited, and across the table, to where Kelly sat.
“You walked?” I asked, knowing as I spoke that the question was stupid. It was unlikely she planned to abandon her car in favor of spending time with me, even if she was obviously interested.
“I live not too far away,” Kelly replied.
“Of course I can drive you,” I said, realizing I was inadvertently making her defend the act of asking for a ride. “‘Bout ten minutes, okay?”
Kelly smiled widely. “Sounds perfect.”
Gathering the few dessert plates that remained around me, I headed into the kitchen. Kelly stayed behind, talking to Alex, but my mom stood and followed me. “You’re taking Kelly home?” she asked, her eyes wide and bright as if she knew a secret. Little did she know just how secretive my secrets were.
I kept my voice low even though, at the sink, we were far from the dining room. “It’s never going to happen, Mom.”
Her face fell. “What? Why? She seems to like you.”
“She’s not the woman for me,” I said flatly, and Mom frowned, as if she could tell there was more to my statement but couldn’t make sense of it.
“Don’t you want to settle down?” she asked gently. “Get married? Have kids?”
I wanted all of those things. This morning I’d thought I had the start of all those things. When Ethan and Nora got married—the night I’d first been with Tess—I hadn’t been thinking about settling down or getting married or having kids, but right now I wanted those things so acutely I could barely breathe.
“With the right woman, Mom,” I replied. Then added hastily, “And I don’t need you to find her for me.” I didn’t need anyone to find her for me. I knew exactly where she was.
“Alright,” Mom said with a sigh, “but don’t lead her on.”
“Who?” I asked, the word out before I had time to consider her statement.
Mom’s eyes narrowed and her head tilted to one side suspiciously. “Kelly,” she said slowly. “Why? Is there someone else I should know about?”
Know about? Certainly not. At least not according to Tessa. “Nope,” I said quickly, landing a kiss on Mom’s cheek. “Merry Christmas, Mom. Thanks for dinner. And for the sweater. It’s a really nice sweater.”
“I didn’t pack your leftovers,” Mom protested as I walked to the kitchen’s door.
“I don’t need them. How about I stop by tomorrow and we can have lunch? The office is still closed.”
“Sounds good, honey. I’ll see you then.” She followed me back into the dining room, where I stopped to say goodbye and Kelly stood to join me.
Five minutes later, Kelly was climbing into the passenger door of my SUV. “This is nice,” she said. “Is it a hybrid?”
“Electric,” I replied absently, my mind already roiling over how to break off the accidental date I’d landed myself in today.
“I like it. I’ve been debating going electric. Turn left up here,” Kelly said.
I followed her directions, nodding. “I bought it when I moved home.”
“Are you glad you moved back?” she asked, pointing ahead of us. “Past that stop sign, I’m the third one on the right.”
“I’m happy to be home,” I said automatically, because even if my honest answer was more complicated than that, no one got the unfiltered truth when it came to this subject. Or, at least, no one but Tess. I pulled the car over in front of the building she’d pointed to, which looked like an old house that had been divided into apartments. “This looks nice.”
“It is. Thanks. I like it here. I tried a few different apartments when I first moved away from my parents, and my dad is always pressuring me to buy a house?—”
“I’m not really emotionally available to be in a relationship with you,” I said when she took a breath, realizing very quickly that, one, she’d been in the middle of a sentence and, two, my comment was next-level blunt. I pressed my lips together.
For a moment, Kelly only stared at me. Then she said, “Okay,” all long and slow, and if I'd been under any illusion my statement had been well-received, I was no longer.
“I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to lead you on,” I added honestly.
“It’s fine, Grant,” Kelly said, the temperature in the car dropping by a few degrees.
“I know there’s nothing more cliche than saying it’s not you, but it’s really not you. You seem perfectly lovely.”
“It’s really fine, Grant,” Kelly snapped. “It was, like, a thing set up by my mom. It’s fine.” Her hand found the handle and pulled it hard, letting the door swing open violently.
“I’m really sorry, Kelly.”
“Oh my God,” she grumbled. “I get it. Stop apologizing. Merry Christmas, Grant. I’ll see you around.” The door swung shut behind her and I sat, watching as she got in the house safe and sound.