Chapter Twenty-Five Barrett
Chapter Twenty-Five
Barrett
The expectation for me to run, to balk at her question and close the drawbridge, was right there in her eyes. I wished the light was brighter, that the sun was out and I could see every single variation of blue when she stared at me like that.
I fucking dare you.
Her voice was in my head, whispering it to the part of me that didn’t want to talk about Rachel right now. Didn’t want anyone else to intrude upon this opportunity with the wild, wily creature sitting in front of me.
But instead of meeting her expectations, instead of avoiding her thrown gauntlet and watching the challenging glint in her eyes fade, I took a deep breath, picked up my plate, and moved to the other side of the island, choosing the stool next to hers and turning it so that I’d be facing her.
Wariness creased her eyebrows as she watched me, but she angled toward me as I took a seat and kept my legs spread.
Lily chewed on her bottom lip, watching me get settled, eyes drifting to where the inside of my leg almost brushed against hers where it was dangling down. The other was still bent against her chest, and I didn’t think she’d drop it. Her armor, flimsy though it was.
“You want the long or the short version?”
Her teeth released her bottom lip, which turned it the prettiest pink color as she regarded me. As she weighed whether I was being honest or not.
“I get a choice?”
“Of course.”
Lily swallowed, then dropped the leg against her chest. Her knee rested on the inside of my thigh, and the contact made my blood sing.
“Tell me whatever version hurts the least,” is what she settled on.
That had me tilting my head because I couldn’t help but wonder if she knew how telling that was.
What’s hurting you? I wanted to ask. Let me help. Let me take it away.
It was a rare sensation, to want to dive headfirst into something like this, and instead of fighting it, like I might have even six months earlier, I let it fill me up.
“I think it’s good when our stories hurt to be told,” I answered evenly. “Doesn’t that mean they were real?”
“I’m sure most people would say that, yes.” Her fingers toyed with the edge of her plate, only half of her sandwich eaten. “Personally, I don’t like reliving the worst parts of my life.”
An urge gripped me, painful in its intensity, to reach forward and slide my hands along the sides of her face, brush my thumbs over her cheekbones, and tell her that she wasn’t alone tonight. That my shoulders were big enough to carry her pain if she wanted help, even for a little while.
Instead of doing that, I folded my hands and kept them in my lap.
“Rachel and I dated in college. She approached me after a shared class and asked to be my study partner. It didn’t take long after that for her to let me know what she wanted.
She was beautiful. Sharp. Smart. Incredibly driven.
” I kept my eyes on Lily. “She was also selfish. Cold. Calculating.”
Her eyes flickered. “Did you know this prior to her taking your last name, or after?”
“After she came to me in tears and told me she was pregnant with Bryce. That her father found a pregnancy test and was going to disown her. I proposed on the spot.” Lily’s face softened, and I pulled in a deep breath.
“Not long after that, she informed me she’d also been sleeping with my brother, Griffin.
My brother wasn’t aware either. She was just . . . hedging her bets, I guess.”
Lily’s mouth fell open. “Bryce . . .”
“Is mine,” I finished. “Griffin was gone for a few months when he was conceived.” I smoothed my hands down the tops of my thighs.
“After we got married and I got drafted, she told me I was the safer choice. The boring one, of course. Too cold for her. But I’d take better care of her than Griffin would. ”
“Oh, Barrett,” she whispered, rubbing at her chest like it hurt. “And this is the same woman who chose not to fight for more time with her kids?”
I nodded. “If she’d tried, I would not have made it easy. The less time they spend with her, the better. I have a feeling in a couple years, she’ll let them decide if they want to come see her. And they won’t.”
“They don’t seem to miss her,” she said carefully.
“She didn’t really raise them.” I took a sip of water.
“Nannies did. I helped when I could, when work allowed.” Then I shook my head.
“I’m not perfect, though. We were incompatible from the start, and I did shut down on her when Maggie was young.
Always put the kids and my job before her. I don’t blame her for hating me.”
The color was high in Lily’s cheeks. “She’s not going to randomly show up here in the next month, is she?”
“No. Why?”
“I might have to break her fucking nose,” she said calmly.
“That so?” I murmured, adoration wrapping around my heart like a vine. “Rachel’s pretty scary when she wants to be.”
“I am so scrappy in a fight. You have no idea.”
I leaned forward, bracing my forearm on the counter, my fingers a hairbreadth away from her arm. The space between us disappeared, and Lily sucked in a breath at my nearness. “Tell me why you’d want to do that.”
Her eyes locked on my mouth. “Is that one of your questions?”
“If that makes you feel better, sure.”
“Your kids are incredible and I think I hate her a little bit.” Lily inhaled sharply through her nose and lifted her gaze to mine. The sincerity I saw there made it hard to breathe. “And you’re not boring. You’re a really good man, Barrett.”
My heart hammered against my rib cage, each messy thrash forward testing the limits of what those bones could endure.
“You’re patient and loyal and thoughtful, and a woman like that doesn’t deserve to have a man like you.”
When I was capable of speech, my voice came out ragged, every fiber of my restraint fraying at the edges. “If you’re trying to test my control right now, you’re doing a very good job of it.”
Lily’s exhale was shaky, and when she raised her hand, fingers trembling, I stayed perfectly still.
The tips of her fingers landed on the side of my jaw, a tentative, testing brush along my unshaven skin.
“I’m not,” she whispered, and her eyes followed the motion of her fingers until they briefly touched the bottom edge of my lip.
“I just . . . felt like touching you. It’s probably been a long time, hasn’t it? ”
“Yes.” My voice was hardly recognizable, coming out as a coarse whisper.
I didn’t realize how much I’d missed affection like this.
Had I ever experienced it with Rachel? I wasn’t sure I had.
It was entirely foreign, entirely wonderful because of how unrecognizable it was.
For years, I’d ignored the absence out of necessity.
There hadn’t been time to think about what a gaping hole it left inside me.
That I wasn’t just a father, I wasn’t just a coach.
I was a man, and knowing a woman like this wanted me sent heat spinning through me so fast that it was fruitless to try to extinguish the flames.
Discipline and control warred mightily with my baser urges.
In less than a minute, I could have her on the counter.
Could have her panting and moaning in less than five.
Lily, naked and at my mercy, sweet and supple in my arms, would fill every empty space I’d felt over the last few years. The last decade, if I was being honest.
If I let myself have it. Tearing through the cracks of the absolute fucking high of her hands on my skin was that whisper of caution. Not because I didn’t want it, or because she didn’t either.
The strength of my desire was what let it slip through.
This was important. What we were doing was important.
The things I was allowing myself to share mattered.
Especially to Lily, who, by her own admission, was always alone.
I didn’t want her to feel like that anymore.
I wanted her to feel seen. Like someone, somewhere, cared about what she had to say and cared about the things she kept locked tight in her head.
“What’s your favorite movie?” I asked raggedly, keen to touch her, the urge so strong that it sliced a path straight through my better judgment.
Lily exhaled a quiet laugh, which snagged in her throat when I gently clasped her wrist and brought her palm to my mouth.
“I—I can’t think,” she said unsteadily.
I kissed the skin just above her wrist, and her fingers curled in, brushing against my cheek. I dragged my nose over the center of her palm. She smelled so good. The thought that she’d smell like this everywhere—clean and sweet—had my mouth watering.
“I can stop,” I rasped.
“M-Mary Poppins,” she finally answered.
My eyes opened, my mouth hovering over her skin as I looked at her in surprise. “Really?”
Lily nodded, her gaze still slightly unfocused as she watched me. “Gives zero fucks about what anyone thinks. Lives life on her own terms. You can tell she’s been through some shit, but she’s got a spine of steel. Kids love her. Men don’t know what to do with her. She’s my fucking idol.”
I couldn’t help it—I laughed. I laughed deep and loud, and, keeping my fingers wrapped around her wrist, I laid our joined hands against my chest, just above the place where my heart beat hard and fast.
Lily smoothed her hand out, pressing against that spot, and when my laughter faded, she inched forward, her eyes locked on my smile.
Her hands slid up my chest, and my smile slowly faded. She looked drugged as she got off her chair and stood between my spread legs. Something slipped through my veins, too, a euphoric buzzing that turned my head around.
“That’s not fair,” she whispered.
“What’s not?”
Her palms cradled my jaw, and I closed my eyes, gripping her wrists without pulling, instead easing my hands up and down her forearms. Her fingertips, cool and light, danced along the lines around my mouth that only appeared when I smiled. I wanted to stay here forever. Just like this.
When she didn’t answer, I finally opened my eyes.