18. Brooke
Chapter 18
Brooke
Present Day
Why couldn’t he catch the hint?
I heard him pound against my door once again, and I sighed as I pressed my head against the wall. I had a raging headache and the pounding on the door made it so much worse.
“ Leave me alone,” I whispered to no one but myself.
“ Brooke ! Open up.”
Perhaps , if I stayed really still, he would leave me. Today was Brandon’s birthday, and his death anniversary, as well. He really said, “ Today is the day I was born, and it’s also going to be the day I take my life.”
What a selfish prick! He may not have said those exact words, but it felt that way.
The pounding on my door stopped, and I lifted my head from the wall. Thank God , he was finally gone.
As much as I enjoyed being around Asher , I just didn’t want to be around him today. Something about his aura always reminded me of Brandon . Maybe I thought so because they were both once in the armed forces; it’s just that one of them committed suicide on his birthday, and the other I was sleeping with.
I got out of my bedroom to fetch myself a bottle of water so that I could take some aspirin for my headache. I always got a headache during my brother’s death anniversary.
Man , was I an idiot. If only I had spent time with him that week, maybe he would still be alive.
My phone vibrated on the kitchen island, and I stared at it as Marie’s and Matthew’s calls all went to voicemail, and their messages flooded my phone.
Marie : Brooke , this isn’t healthy. Come to my place, and let’s watch movies and eat ice cream.
That was what my brother had wanted to do, but I had refused because I had a silly little headache. I was the selfish one, in all honesty.
My brother had done so much for me, practically raised me since I was ten years old and provided for my every need, yet I couldn’t spend just a few hours to watch a movie with him.
I should’ve been a better sister.
After I finished reading through Marie’s slew of texts, I moved on to the next person and Matthew was way better than his girlfriend. He only sent me two texts, one asking if I was going to be late. I wasn’t going to show up at all.
I had forgotten to request a leave beforehand, so I decided to take an emergency leave. Chris would understand.
Matthew : Hey , Brooke . Please call me back when you get this. I’m worried about you.
Why would he be worried ?
Asher : Hey , I didn’t see you leave this morning.
Asher : I know you’re in there. Open the door.
Asher : Brooke ?
I ignored his messages as well, and I went to sit down on my couch and stared at the television blankly as I took the pills.
I was the only member of the Taylor family who was still holding on to her pathetic life; it was only a matter of time before death came for me. My parents passed away in a car accident, I never knew my grandparents because they were dead and gone by the time I was born, I never had any uncles or aunts—odd—and the only person I had in my life didn’t want to stay.
I had run out of tears to cry for him; it didn’t hurt anymore, but it was numbing. I could barely think of taking care of myself because of the guilt that consumed me on a daily basis. It was unbearable.
It always sneaked up on me and consumed me whole. The pain that didn’t hurt anymore would become my companion on my brother’s birthday, numbing every emotion in me to either celebrate his birth or mourn his passing.
So , I always just sat in my apartment on my own, replaying the day before his passing, how we went out for dinner and had a spectacular time; I thought everything was okay. I thought my brother was happy at his job. I thought he was fulfilled in his life.
But the browning paper that sat on my coffee table said otherwise. As tradition on this tormented day, I would always read his letter to me. I found it a week after his suicide, and I broke down all over again. It felt like torture. I found his dead body in the apartment I only moved out of this year, and his letter?—
I heard a loud sharp noise against my door, and I sat up, alarmed as I watched it fall off its hinges, and the broken pieces snapped all over my floor before the door dropped, with a bang. Asher stood there, unapologetic as he walked into my apartment.
I was too tired for this.
“ What’s your obsession with breaking my door?” I asked him as I brought my legs up on the couch. He approached me with a worried expression. That was the first time I had ever seen Asher be concerned about me.
Normally , his face was expressionless whenever he was around me, except when we were having sex.
“ If you had opened up your door when I asked nicely, your door would still be on its hinges.” He sat on the coffee table before me, and I sighed as I looked at him. His frown was deep as he scanned my body.
“ This time, you will pay for my door,” I told him, and he looked around my apartment.
“ Why is it so dark in here?” he asked, and I smiled as I watched him.
“ Please leave, I want to be alone,” I whispered as I got up from the couch, and he held my arm, his eyebrows pinched close to each other as he looked at me. “ Make sure you put up my door when you leave.”
I tried to pull my hand from his hold, and he got up, pulling me into his arms. My eyes widened as he pressed my face against his chest, his hands gently stroking my hair.
I suddenly felt the tears that I hadn’t shed for my brother in years leave my eyes, and I sobbed my heart out as I wrapped my arms around Asher’s waist. Clinging to him desperately, not wanting him to leave like my brother did.
As I cried in his arms, I realized that I didn’t actually want to be alone today.
I found comfort in Asher .
After I cried my eyes out, Asher and I sat in my room, which he had carried me to. We sat in silence, and I couldn’t ignore his concerned gaze. Why did he stare so hard?
“ You do need to fix my door, you know,” I laughed, and his expression didn’t change as he crossed his arms over his chest. He sat down on my chair across the room while I sat in my bed. I could feel sleep calling me because I just had a great crying session, and the aspirin I took earlier was kicking in.
But something told me that Asher wouldn’t leave even if I asked him nicely.
“ Come stay with me while I get your door fixed and get a new door lock,” he said. I raised my eyebrows at his offer, and I shook my head.
“ I can crash at Marie’s .”
“ Marie isn’t the one who broke your door. Come stay with me; I insist.” My heart skipped a beat as I licked my lips. Why was he being so adamant?
“ Come on, fixing a door doesn’t take that long. It’s just a few hours.” I argued, and he shook his head.
“ Sure , but you’ll sleep at my place tonight. I won’t be home, if that’s what you’re worried about.” He seemed serious about his invite, and he clearly wasn’t doing it simply to be nice; he wanted me there.
“ Fine ,” I gave in, and he nodded, seeming content with my decision.
“ I also want to change all your locks.”
“ Why ? You only need to fix the kitchen door.”
“ I’ll feel better if I change all your locks. Please don’t argue with me about this,” he said, and I sighed.
“ Fine .”
“ Tell me why you were sitting in the dark,” he quickly changed the subject, and I groaned mentally. Even Marie didn’t know that I punished myself annually for my brother’s death.
“ It’s my brother’s birthday today,” I told him, and he tilted his head to the side.
“ When did he pass away?”
“ What makes you think he passed away?” I asked.
“ You talked about him in past tense when you were drunk,” he said, and I sighed. I was such a blabber mouth when I was drunk.
“ Today , five years ago,” I whispered when he raised his eyebrows as he waited for my response. “ Suicide .”
“ My condolences.” Sometimes Asher would sound like a robot, and I wondered if he was even human. Why would he say something so generic after I told him my older brother took his own life?
“ I didn’t even notice something was wrong with him when he came back from his tour,” I whispered, and he stared at me. “ He was in the Marine Corps , and when he came back, I was taking my final exams, so we didn’t spend that much time together. After my last test, we went out for dinner and ended our date with ice cream. He wanted to watch a movie, but I wanted to sleep.”
His eyes were void of any emotion as he stared at me, expecting me to continue, and I still had no idea why his presence brought me such comfort. This stoic, expressionless man offered much more comfort than someone who would want to hug me right now and tell me that everything would be okay.
His silence was soothing.
“ I found his letter when I was cleaning his room a few days later, and you won’t believe what it said,” I sighed as I rolled my eyes. I was beginning to tear up as I thought of the contents of that note.
“ What did it say?” he spoke softly, and I sniffled.
“ He apologized and said he wasn’t as strong as he thought he was. He was only holding on so that he could see me finish college. His tours had left him scarred, and he couldn’t deal with it anymore. He said he was proud of me, and that he knew that I would make something out of myself and live a long life. He felt unfulfilled.” I stared at the green wall behind Asher , as I recalled how much I had cried while reading his letter.
“ I feel like I forced him to live a life he didn’t want,” I whispered in the end and scoffed. “ Fuck , the only reason he was fighting himself everyday was because I was such a burden on him, and he needed to set me on my own feet before he went away.”
Asher stared at me quietly before he got up from the chair and grabbed my duffle bag, suddenly packing my clothes for me.
“ What are you doing?” I whispered as I wiped my tears away, and Asher looked at me briefly before he continued with his task.
“ We agreed you’d sleep in my apartment.” He finished packing my bag and pulled it up his shoulder.
“ I didn’t think that meant now,” I whispered as I pulled my blankets over my chest. Asher’s back was turned toward me, and I noticed him clenching his fist by his side. “ I’m still gonna come, but I just want to be alone for a while.”
“ Why are you punishing yourself?” he asked me as he turned back around to face me. “ Why do you believe it’s your fault that your brother is gone?”
“ I didn’t notice that he wasn’t okay. If only I had spent some time with him and watched a movie with him, maybe then he wouldn’t have taken his life.” My voice was thick with emotion, and Asher shook his head.
“ You know it wouldn’t happen that way.” His words shattered my heart, and what hurt me the most was that I knew it was true. Even if I had spent time with him, his letter was confirmation that my brother had been wanting to die for years.
The weight he carried had taken its toll on him, and he didn’t want anything else to do with life again. That dinner date was his goodbye to me. I knew it then, and I still know it now.
But I couldn’t accept it. If I hadn’t been such a burden on him, then maybe his life wouldn’t hurt him as much as it did. Maybe he would be married by now with kids, leading a happy life.
And that was the reason why I punished myself, because he never truly got to be happy.
I felt my tears roll down my face, and Asher stood up straight as he looked at me dead in the eye.
“ I was in the Navy SEALs and was honorably discharged after my tour in Afghanistan .” That was the first time Asher ever told me the branch he served in. “ Believe me when I say that it’s not your fault that your brother took his life. He just didn’t know any other way to fight it.”
He left my room, and I cried.
Asher was fighting, too.