21. Asher
Chapter 21
Asher
This place was familiar. The horrid stench and the violent dust that was carried by the wind blew on my tunban. I looked down at my clothes, and beneath my tunban, I felt my TT -33 pistol pressed against my abdomen. That’s right, I’m on a mission.
The moon cast an eerie glow over the rugged terrain of the unforgiving landscape, illuminating the shadows of the mountains that loomed like silent soldiers. Where was my team? I knew that we were on a night patrol, but why was I alone?
Shawn was my partner, yet he wasn’t with me. The silent night was only broken by the occasional whisper of the dusty wind, and the distant haunting calls of hyenas reminded me of the hell I was currently in.
I raised my radio to my lips, calling for my partner.
“ Hawk , what’s your location?” I asked as I heard voices coming in my direction. I carefully retrieved my gun, checking my surroundings as I walked around. When I made it to the place where I had heard the voices, there was nobody. Just vast open land.
I looked around, and I was still alone; Shawn was unresponsive. Where had he gone?
“ Reaper !” A hand grabbed my shoulder, and I quickly raised my gun as I turned around.
“ You didn’t think I was an enemy, right, Asher ?” His distorted voice and disfigured face made me widen my eyes in horror. His face seemed to be melting off his skull, and he had a menacing grin as he approached me.
“ Stand back,” I ordered, with my gun still pointed toward him.
“ What’s wrong? It’s me, Shawn .”
Suddenly , the ground beneath me seemed to shift, and I was plunged into the cold ocean, seeming to sink with no end. I looked up, trying my hardest to swim back up, but there he was again, falling after me.
Panic set in as I realized that I was drowning. I tried to swim upward but the water’s force pulled me deeper into its abyss. My clothes weighed me down; my heart pounded in my chest as I tried to hold my breath.
I had to live. I had to live for Charlotte .
Pushing against the water, I forced my feet to push me upward as I swam out of darkness.
“ Are you leaving me here?” His voice was muffled, but it surrounded me like an echo. In the darkness, I could see him so clearly as he sank deeper into the ocean.
Shawn’s grey eyes stared into mine, a ghost smile on his face as his blonde hair floated upward. I turned around, desperate to save Shawn .
I have to save him.
I reached my hand out for him, fighting against the water as I begged him to grab my hand when I finally reached him. His lips stretched into an inhumane smile as both his hands gripped my arm and pulled me faster, deeper into the endless abyss.
“ You deserve to die, too, Reaper !”
I woke up, startled, drenched in sweat with the echoes of that terrifying ocean and Shawn’s deep cackles still ringing in my ear. The room was dark, but the familiar hum of the busy Chicago streets brought me back to reality.
“ It was just a dream,” I whispered as I got up from the bed. “ Just a dream.” And yet it felt so real.
4:45. Anne was going to wake in about two hours.
I left my bedroom and went to check up on Anne who slept in her bedroom, Brady beside her on the bed, and it felt like my daughter had an older brother to protect her. I leaned down and kissed her forehead, pushing back her blond locks that she got from her mother, Charlotte . Anne had her mother’s features. The only thing she got from me were my eyes.
Man , it’s been incredibly hard.
I decided to take a shower since I was up already and to prepare Anne’s breakfast once I was done. I thought I had been doing just okay as a single parent, and I was incredibly grateful that I had Elise in my life.
However , ever since Brooke’s breakdown a few weeks ago, I was suddenly aware of just how terrible my PTSD was. This wasn’t the first nightmare I had had about Shawn ; they had been recurring lately, alternating between the tour and the day Charlotte passed away.
After I was done with my shower, I got changed into my gym clothes and got started on Anne’s breakfast while making smoothies for Brooke and me. She would be arriving any time soon. Brady joined me in the kitchen, and I prepared his food for him.
“ Did you sleep well?” I scratched behind his ear, and he wagged his tail as he waited for me to place his food down before him. “ Eat .”
“ Morning .” Brooke entered my apartment, dressed in sweatpants and a shirt of mine that she took after spending the night here. Her hair was combed through, and even though she had washed her face—which I could tell because of how rosy her cheeks were—sleep clouded her eyes as she walked toward me.
“ Good morning.” She pressed her hands on my chest as she stood on her toes, leaning forward to kiss me. “ Do you want your smoothie, or should I make you coffee?”
“ I’ll have some coffee, please.” She stretched her arms over her head, and I smiled. “ Is she up?”
“ Not yet,” I shook my head, and she nodded, walking straight to Anne’s bedroom so that she could get her ready for day care. Brooke and I had fallen into an unspoken routine that worked out perfect for the both of us.
She would come in the morning and get Anne ready for school, while I went on my morning run. I was in charge of preparing breakfast, and she would take care of Anne while I wasn’t around.
“ Do you want bagels?” I asked as I headed to Anne’s bedroom. Brooke had just woken my daughter up. She had a grumpy frown on her lips as she allowed Brooke to help her up.
“ And bran muffins, please.” She carried Anne in her arms to the bathroom where she had already filled the bathtub with warm water. “ And red velvet cupcakes for Anne’s lunchbox,” she yelled behind me.
I left the apartment and went on my run.
I loved the way that Brooke took care of Anne and actually liked to spend time with her. With all the other women I had attempted to date, it was a bit difficult for them to understand that I had a daughter and that she was my first priority over everything; hence, why all of those relationships failed.
But with Brooke , it was easy. She understood that Anne was always going to be my first priority, and she had seemed to make Anne her priority, as well. Even though we had never discussed it, Brooke just seemed to fill the role perfectly.
Of course, there were days where I felt tension building between us, and I had no idea how to address it, but then the next day, it would seem as if nothing had happened between us. Everything was back to normal.
As I ran down the street, maneuvering around the other people who were walking on the trail, I stopped by the fountain, watching as the water sprouted and cascaded into the bowl. From the other side of the fountain, I noticed somebody who wore a tunban that covered their entire body. Their head scarf hid their face, and I couldn’t make out who it was.
I picked up my pace and had to run around the bend so that I could make it to the other side of the fountain, but as I ran after the man, he disappeared. I decided to run back home, figuring that I had just lost the man somewhere.
My pace matched the music in my earbuds, the beat matching each step I took as I ran to the bakery that was just a few blocks down from the apartment. I entered the bakery and ordered the goods.
“ Here you go, Ash .” The elderly man who owned the bakery passed me a paper bag filled with my order.
“ Thank you, David .” I handed him the money and left a tip. As I walked out of the bakery, I bumped into someone, as I turned around to apologize, my eyes widened when I saw him. It was Shawn .
“ Sorry ,” the man dressed in the suit apologized, and I apologized as well when I heard his voice.
“ Excuse me,” I raised my hand apologetically, and the man smiled.
It wasn’t Shawn .
Fuck , what was wrong with me?
I decided to walk back home, trying to calm my mind down. I was just exhausted because I hadn’t been sleeping properly for the past few weeks, but then again, when was the last time I ever got a full, good night’s sleep?
Back home, I found Brooke cleaning up my apartment as she tidied up Anne’s toys, and Brady helped her in his own way, picking up some of Anne’s toys with his mouth and passing them to Brooke .
“ Hey ,” I greeted as I placed down the baked goods and Brooke stood up straight, smiling.
“ Hey , is everything okay? You came back later than usual today,” she said as she placed Anne’s toys into her toy box. “ I already took Anne to school.”
Just how distracted was I ? Fuck .
“ Uhm , I had to wait for the muffins,” I lied, and she nodded as she washed her hands.
“ Alrighty , but you’re on pickup duty today,” she informed me as she grabbed two plates and placed them on the counter. “ Go take your shower; I’ll be done by the time you’re finished.”
“ Come take a shower with me,” I rounded the island and wrapped my arms around her waist, her back pressed against me as she squirmed in my hold.
“ Eew , don’t get your sweat on me,” she giggled, and I pressed my lips behind her ear; it was one of her erogenous zones amongst many, and she let out a shaky breath as I gently bit her ear.
“ Why not? We’re just gonna sweat again,” I suggested, and she groaned as my fingers slipped into her pants.
“ You are so bad,” she sighed as my fingers pulled on her panties, grazing her soft skin, and she caught my hand. “ Just one time!” she threatened as she turned in my arms, and I nodded, knowing very well it wouldn’t be one time.
“ Yes , baby,” I captured her lips in a kiss, and she moaned as she wrapped her arms around my neck. I picked her up easily, placing my hands under her ass to balance her weight in my arms.
“ You’re not going to work today, right?” she whispered against my lips, and I smirked as I shook my head.
“ No , so we can go for as long as we want.” I bit her lip, and she licked her lips as she rolled her eyes.
“ As if we don’t do that all the time.”
We sat together on the couch, Brooke’s legs in my lap as we watched her favorite medical series: House . It was interesting, but I was conflicted by the main character; he was...different.
My hands gently massaged Brooke’s feet. Her cup of tea was placed between her thighs, and I was feeling a bit jealous over an inanimate object. I fit much better there than that cup did, anyway.
I studied her features: her brown hair that framed her face, her pouty pink lips that she puckered up into a grin whenever Chase — ugh —appeared on screen. Her brown eyes were focused on the TV , ignoring her surroundings, and I had a feeling that she didn’t know what she was doing with her feet on my lap because I was getting ready for another round.
Brooke was so damn gorgeous, and I was afraid that other men would notice just how precious she was and take better care of her. I should tell her the truth.
“ Can I ask you something?” Brooke broke the silence between us. I stared at her, and she leaned over to her side, placing her mug down on the coaster. “ Why are you pushing me away?”
My eyebrows shot up as I stared at her. Well , damn.
She pulled her legs from my lap, and her alert posture terrified me. Her staying in my life, not only mine, but Anne’s as well, depended on whatever my answer would be.
“ You might think that I’m trying to start a fight, but we’ve never talked about what this is,” she pointed between us, and I nodded, understanding her concern. “ It feels like all you’ve been doing lately is building up more walls between us. I know we spend so much time together, but I still don’t know you.”
“ I like you,” I admitted, and my heart skipped a beat as I stared into her brown eyes. The hopeful glimmer that grew in her eyes told me everything she wanted to hear from me.
“ Oh ,” she whispered, looking around the room before her eyes settled back on mine.
“ And it terrifies me that I’m interested in you. Every other relationship I’ve tried after Anne’s mother, and Lord knows I tried, has never worked out. And yet, you just fit perfectly in our lives, and it scares me, Brooke .”
She nodded, as she tucked her legs underneath her and listened. There was that hopeful stare again. She wants it to work out so badly, and I know it won’t.
“ That day of you told me about your brother,” I whispered. “ It triggered my own trauma. I’ve been getting along just fine because I had to take care of Anne , and I’m barely a good father to her?—“
“ That’s not true,” she spoke softly as she shook her head, scooting forward to comfort me, but the next words that left my lips made her stop in her tracks.
“ I’m struggling, and I could never make you happy, Brooke .”
She placed her finger on her top lip, while she chewed on her bottom lip. A thinking habit she only used when she was annoyed about something. Fuck .
“ Okay ,” she whispered, her brown eyes holding mine. “ Do you want to be with me?”
“ I don’t know,” I whispered. All I knew was that I really liked her, but I was afraid that I liked her because she irked me in the beginning and cared for my daughter. What if my feelings for her weren’t genuine?
“ Well , I like you, too,” she said as she got up and pushed her fingers through her hair. She stared up at the ceiling as she bit her lip, and a soft laugh left her lips. “ I really like you a lot, but I can’t continue this relationship while you’re uncertain about what you want.”
“ Brooke -” I reached for her hand as I got up, and she pulled her hands back, shaking her head.
“ If you touch me, you know I’ll fall apart in your arms and seek comfort from you. I don’t want that.” She walked around me and left my apartment as I stared at the spot she had been standing in.
One of my worst fears had come true, all because of my inability to convey my feelings without sounding like an ass.
She left me.