13. Ben
Ben
“What the fuck am I looking at right now?” I tilted my head but it did nothing to make sense of the scene in front of us. “Is she…?”
“Daddy! Language!” Beth rolled her eyes before taking off at a full sprint towards Oliver. “Ollie! We’re here!”
Callie’s head snapped up at the sound of Beth’s voice and even from over fifty feet away I watched her eyes nearly bug out of her head.
She was dressed in denim overall shorts with a bathing suit as a top that was letting me see enough to get my blood flowing south.
Her hair was in two buns on the top of her head and she looked painfully sunburned.
She was also standing in at least two feet of duck shit and couldn’t seem to get out.
“My mom’s stuck. She threw our fishing pole into the lake and then decided to go in to get it.
The duck feces at the bottom of the lake is acting as a suction.
She’s likely to fall over at any moment.
” Oliver looked back at us with his hands on his hips.
“I didn’t read about this being a possible outcome when I read about fishing online. ”
He broke me. The kid killed whatever self-control I had and I ended up laughing so hard I doubled over and knocked into Cole.
The last thing I’d expected to find was the best possible thing I’d ever found.
I just hoped Luke or Cole would be able to help Callie out because I was useless.
I couldn’t stop laughing for long enough to even stand up straight.
The kids saw me laughing and joined in. Even Oliver let out a few snickers. All the while Callie had her arms stretched out to either side to keep her balance as she struggled to lift her leg.
“Ducks poop every fifteen to thirty minutes. Mom has been stuck for fifteen minutes. There are seventeen ducks on the lake. The average duck poop weighs around five to fifteen grams. That means there has possibly been an additional three to nine ounces of duck feces since Mom got stuck.”
Callie’s skin somehow looked both pale and bright red at hearing Oliver’s tidbits of information. “Oliver! No more poop facts, please! I’m going to throw up!”
“I’ll save you, Miss Morgan!” Noah kicked his shoes off and had his shirt over his head before Cole could grab him.
“No, you won’t. I’ll save Miss Morgan.” Cole glanced around the lake before unbuttoning his pants. “Everyone look away. I’m not getting duck shit soaked into my pants.”
The girls squealed when they saw what Cole was doing and spun around with their hands over their faces. Beth stuck her tongue out and gagged. “Oh, my god, Uncle Cole! Why do your legs look like Emma’s dog?”
“I’m not that hairy! Jesus.” Cole kicked his shoes off and then stepped out of his pants. His boxer briefs violated my vision so I focused on Callie.
She’d slapped her hands over her eyes and was talking to herself.
If she meant it to be private, she was failing horribly.
“How is this my life? I would say I’ve never been more embarrassed in my life but that’s not true.
This doesn’t even rank top fifteen, which is really saying something, isn’t it?
I’ve got duck shit between my toes and I don’t think I’ll ever get this smell out of my nose.
I’m going to be broken. Broken by duck shit and lake water.
Shouldn’t someone be cleaning this? I wouldn’t wish the job of shit remover on my worst enemy but I need someone to do it.
Actually, I’d like to see Karla or Darren do it.
Go scoop shit, assholes. Oh, my god. This is quicksand, isn’t it?
This is how I die. My tombstone will read here lies Calliope Morgan, the idiot who suffocated on duck shit.
It’ll probably cost more because of all the letters. ”
Luke was fighting for his famous self-control and I could tell he was close to losing.
He looked like he was in pain as he stood perfectly still, watching Cole walk into the lake.
He even had tears in his eyes and a wobble to his voice as he spoke.
“Local rates average around thirty dollars per character.”
Callie whimpered. “Great! So, that’ll cost… Hold on, I can do the math. That’s around sixteen hundred dollars before the dates! Do they charge extra for just the concrete slab? Of course, they do. I’ll never be able to afford that.”
Cole grabbed her and lifted her like she weighed no more than a jug of milk, the strong sonofabitch. “Imagine if you had to pay for every word you spoke.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Callie wrapped her arms around his head and held on tight. “Thanks for saving me. Ollie’s been slinging duck shit facts at me for the last fifteen minutes and I was starting to worry my will would give out before my legs.”
“Woman, you’re going to squeeze my eyes out of my head.
Loosen up a bit.” Cole stumbled up the small embankment and fell to his knees on the grass next to the kids.
Despite him lowering his voice, we all still heard what he said next.
“I need my eyes to appreciate this little outfit you’ve got on.
I might’ve swooned if you didn’t stink to high heaven. ”
She slapped his shoulder and pried herself free from him. “Not nice. Now I think I’ll gather what little dignity I have left and go home to a nice, hot shower.”
“Not so fast, ma’am.”
We all turned to look at the man who’d joined us. He wore a game warden uniform and held a notebook in his meaty fist while scowling at Callie. She froze, so focused on the newcomer that she didn’t see both Luke and Cole moving to flank her, as protective as I’d ever seen them over a woman.
Callie cleared her throat and forced a smile. “I’m sorry, sir? Is there something-”
“Can I see your fishing license? I spotted you littering from across the lake, ma’am, and that’s not going to fly with me.” Upon closer inspection, the man was barely twenty-five. He still had acne and a baby face that his scowl couldn’t hide.
“Littering? Unless you mean to say that I littered my own body, I don’t know what you mean.
And as you can see, I’ve been removed from the duck poop you call a lake so there has been no littering.
” Taking a deep breath and blowing it out slowly, Callie’s smile turned genuine.
She looked like an angel with a halo of strawberry blonde curls escaping her buns.
“I’m so sorry. I don’t mean to be snippy.
I just thought I was going to die in that lake so I’m not at my best.”
“Save it. I saw you throw a fit and toss your pole into the water. You didn’t retrieve it, did you? I’ll be writing you a citation for littering and for fishing without a license if you can’t provide one.” The guy gripped his belt and hoisted his pants up higher. “License, ma’am. Now.”
All my humor died out. I stepped closer to him, eyes narrowed. “Is there a reason you’re speaking to her like that?”
Callie hurried forward and put herself solidly in front of me.
“I didn’t know I needed a fishing license.
I’m sorry. Is there any kind of lenience for ignorance?
And I would really love to get that pole back.
I need to take it back to the store and tell them they sold me a lemon of a pole because it never worked. Not even once.”
“Do you have any ID on you, ma’am?”
“Can you stop calling me ma’am? You’re making me feel old.
I’m turning thirty in a month and I’ve already started building a healthy foundation for an age panic.
” Callie reached into her right pocket and then her left before looking around on the ground.
“You’re going to find this funny… I don’t think I have my ID, either.
I mean, I have one! Not like the fishing license.
I have a driver’s license. Of course, I do.
Although now it sounds like I don’t. I swear I do!
I’m a legal driver. Just not a legal fisher.
Not that anyone would call what I just did fishing.
Sir, can you just take pity on me this one time?
Look at me. I’ve got duck shit up to my knees and I’m dressed like I’m trying to trick someone into painting a fence for me. Have mercy.”
“If you don’t provide ID I’ll be forced to detain you, ma’am.” The smug little prick put his hand on his taser and glared at all of us. “If I suspect you’re intentionally avoiding being identified, I will transport you to a nearby jail for identification.”
None of us moved faster than Oliver to protect Callie. He stood slightly in front of Callie and pulled a small wallet out of his pocket. “Children are not required to have a fishing license, sir. My mom was not fishing. She did litter, however, but she didn’t mean to. Here’s her license.”
Noah, seeing a chance to join his friend in being brave for Callie, ran up to stand beside Oliver. “Why are you being mean to Miss Morgan?”
Beth stomped over with her hands on her hips with Emma at her side. “Be nice to Miss Morgan!”
Callie knelt between the kids and wrapped her arms around them as much as she could.
“Thank you guys for helping but I made a mistake so I have to face the consequences. This officer is probably just upset because he cares about the lake and keeping it clean. That’s a good thing.
In a few weeks we’re going to be talking about the earth and how to take care of it in class.
If we ask nicely, I bet we could get this officer to come in and talk about his job and how he helps the planet. ”
The fucking guy blushed. All his pissed off asshole energy vanished and he was left looking just as eager as Noah to have Callie’s attention. One compliment from the sweet, sexy Miss Morgan and the dickhead was swooning all over himself.
“Fucking ridiculous.” Cole muttered under his breath and cut a look at both me and Luke. “You seeing this?”
Luke crossed his arms and grunted. “Seeing it. Not really liking it.”