7. The Heavens Open
This is the North Antrim Coast, the north tip of Northern Ireland, of course I didn’t expect there to be sunshine the whole time we were camping. But I had pictured sitting in the tent eating marshmallows with Adam while listening to the soothing patter of drops against the tent. I didn’t picture a wind that forces the outside tent wall to merge with the inside one and water running down inside the tent. Neither did I imagine the walls caving in and clinging ice cold and wet to my face and body.
The car has become our lifeboat. Our sleeping bags are wet and spread out to dry in the back. The thrill of being allowed to sit in the front seat has worn off, and I try to distract Adam by reading one of his favourite books inside this fogged-up little cave. But I struggle to be invested in the story. I’m such a failure. Adam will grow up with a pathetic excuse of a dad, one who doesn’t know if he’s coming or going.
I’m so lost. I wish I had friends I could talk to, but all my friends were Alison’s friends; I didn’t have a group of guys from school that I would go and watch football and have beers with; I’ve always tagged along with my girlfriends, their friends were mine, changing as I changed girlfriend. I’ve come to understand that it’s been part of my appeal – they never had to worry about what I did, never had to question my fidelity or commitment as I didn’t go out or party without them. I showered my girlfriends with attention and never gave them reasons to be jealous.
So now, friendless, I have no one to explain to me what the hell it means when you’ve been married to a woman for five years, and when it ends, the first thing you do is rub yourself off on a man. Maybe what’s confusing me the most, is the speed in which it happened. My erection was laughing at my claim of having a low sex drive and there was none of my famous control. No, Trevor took my power, controlled me in a way I’ve never been before.
Is this what women feel when I’m with them? I take control over them, let them drown in their own pleasure – there’s no give and take – I demand that I do all the giving. There’s satisfaction is seeing how they lose themselves, more satisfying than my own pleasure. Is that what happened with Trevor? He said he’d look after me, that he’d got me, and I could just give in.
I wonder if he’s gay. He didn’t come, but he was aroused, clearly.
And what about Julie? Thinking of her brings a sad smile to my face, her sweetness, her need for someone to look after her, but the last thing I want is to lead her on.
I’ve stayed away from her the last day, not wanting to be in a situation where she can make another pass at me. I’ve taken Adam for drives and when we’ve been on the campsite, we’ve hung over the fence looking at Rosie or I’ve encouraged him to play with the other kids. I’ve avoided the kitchen and showers whenever I thought there was a chance of running into sweet Julie.
“I’m cold.”
“Come here, son.”
Awkwardly, I lift Adam over the console and to my lap, hugging him tight.
I jump in my seat as there’s a knock on my window. Adam screams and hides his face against my chest. I half expect Freddy Krueger to stand outside. It could be, covered inside a massive raincoat.
I roll down my window, and a gust of wind covers my face with rain.
“Trev’r,” Adam squeals. “Is Rosie inside? She’s not on field, is she?”
I can just about make out Trevor’s eyes inside the big hood, and my cheeks heat knowing what we did yesterday.
“Rosie is in the barn, all warm and eating hay,” Trevor assures my son, his deep timbre making my heart beat faster.
“C-can we go see her?”
“I’ve got a better idea, why don’t the two of you come inside the house and stay there tonight?”
“No, you don’t have to offer up your own home, Trevor,” I argue.
He points his flashlight to our tent. It’s almost completely caved in. “You can’t sleep there, you’re already wet and I don’t want you catching a cold.”
“We shouldn’t…”
“Think about your son,” Trevor insists, and he’s got me. Adam’s health is more important than my pride.
It takes a good ten minutes to gather the bags we need and get wellies on, ten minutes where Trevor stands patiently waiting for us in the howling rain. Of course, Adam doesn’t want to walk and I try to hoist him in my arms while carrying our bags. Big hands come around Adam’s middle and lift him out of my arms.
“Come here, I’ll carry you.”
Adam doesn’t protest, holding on tight to the big man. All the way down to the house, Trevor calmly answers Adam’s many questions about Rosie’s welfare. It does something to me, seeing my son in the arms of this mountain of a man. I know Adam’s safe, and that’s a very unusual feeling.
“Jamie! Adam!” Julie calls out when we enter the house.
The awkwardness of the situation hits me. I’m in the same room as both the girl who kissed me yesterday and the man I rubbed myself off on.
Julie may be a bit flustered to see me, but Trevor pretends everything is normal between us, so I do too.
“Their tent was about to sail down the field, so they’ll stay here tonight.”
Trevor lowers Adam to the ground while Julie’s eyebrows raise high.
“I told him he didn’t have to, we don’t want to be a burden—”
“No, no, of course you’re not a burden,” Julie interrupts, shaking her head vigorously. Pink tints her cheeks and she smiles down at my son. “Do you like sleepovers?”
Trevor leads us upstairs, again carrying Adam once he’s out of his wellies and jacket. At the end of the corridor, he opens the door to a small room he calls “the little kids” room. He tells us this is where he and Julie slept when they were little.
“Do you think you could sleep in here, Adam?” Adam puckers his lips and his eyebrows scrunch together as he takes in the small room. “If you look out the window, you can see the barn where Rosie is,” Trevor continues.
My son’s face brightens. “I’ll sleep here.”
Julie ruffles his hair. “I’ll get some bed sheets.”
She disappears into the room at the opposite end of the corridor while Trevor points at the other doors – Julie’s room, the bathroom, his room, the guest room – where I’ll be sleeping. And his parents’ room, that his sister just slipped into.
“Julie wants me to move into their room, it has a private bathroom.” He hesitates, wanting to say more.
“But you feel bad doing it,” I complete for him.
“Yeah.”
By the time I’ve got Adam into dry sleep clothes, his teeth brushed and a last trip to the toilet, Julie has made the bed and found Wallie the teddy for Adam. Moo is drying in the bathroom. Seeing Adam safe in a normal bed is such a relief.
“Do you want me to read you a story?” Julie asks, and I’m surprised when he agrees. He’s really taken to both Julie and Trevor.
I kiss him goodnight and walk down to the living room where I find the older sibling.
“Thank you so much for this, I’m sorry for putting you out.”
“Don’t worry about it.” The side of Trevor’s mouth lifts and there’s heat in his eyes that I can’t explain. It’s not sexual. “Would you like a something strong to warm you up?”
“You’ve got some?”
“Can’t live on this part of the coast and not have a bottle of Bush stashed in the cupboard.”
Trevor fills whiskey into three glasses that he places on the coffee table, and I sink into one of the two sofas surrounding it. It’s the most comfortable seat I’ve sat in for days. He sits across from me, legs spread wide, in a large, worn, high-back leather chair. It’s old, could probably feature in one of those hidden treasure TV shows.
“What made you go camping?” Trevor asks, his head tilted to the side as he assesses me, the amber liquid twirling in his glass. He looks older than his twenty-eight years, definitively wiser.
I laugh mirthlessly and run my fingers through my hair. He’s seen me at my worst, so I decide to be honest.
“Money. Separating from my wife has not been good financially. She’s got the house as I didn’t want to uproot Adam, and paying for both the house and my apartment… well, bedsit is a better description… I’m not on a bad salary as an IT consultant, but it’s been tough. I thought a week or two camping would be a great idea to get us out of the city without the expense.”
“You don’t have family you could visit or stay with?”
“My parents and my three younger siblings live in Australia.”
“Really?” His eyebrows rise and I nod.
“Yep, my parents decided to follow their dream.”
“And you didn’t you go with them?”
“I was eighteen at the time, had just started university and had a serious girlfriend.” The corners of Trevor’s mouth twitch. “It was hard for my parents to leave me behind, but I insisted they couldn’t abandon their dream because of me.”
“It must have been difficult for you too.”
I laugh quietly, trying to repress the memory of the ache in my heart when they left, but I know Trevor’s perceptive eyes see through me. “I’ve often wondered if it was the right thing to do – it was horrible seeing them leave – but I was young and thought it was true love.”
“She was… your ex-wife?”
“Hell, no. There were many more girlfriends between her and Alison.”
“Girlfriends…”
Trevor’s gaze is intense as he takes a slow sip from the glass and I’m brutally reminded of what happened between us. I shift in my seat, watching how the pink tip of his tongue comes out to lick his bottom lip.
“The divorce must have been hard without them around.”
I blink a few times and clear my throat. “Yeah. They’ve asked if I want to move, but I could never leave Adam.”
Trevor nods, a knowing smile on his face. “We do anything for those in our care, don’t we.”
“We do.”
A comfortable silence settles between us. I can’t believe how easy it is to talk to him, to open up, even after what happened in the barn. It’s confusing too.
“So what will it take for you to move into the en suite bedroom?” I find myself asking.
With a huff, Trevor runs his hand over his face. There’s dirt under his nails. I wonder if his big paws are ever truly clean. “You had to go there,” he mutters.
“You’re making me talk like a washing machine, it’s only fair that you spill too.”
He’s quiet for a long time. “I have no problem taking over their room, I don’t believe in ghosts or anything. But…” His chest expands on a big intake of air, stretching his shirt over his muscles. “When I moved Dad into care, I couldn’t walk past his room without this searing pain in my gut, knowing that I’d moved him out of the room he had shared with Mum. The room where he cared for her when she was sick, where he felt closest to her. I took that away from him.” His eyes find mine. The pain in them bleeds my heart. His voice is husky when he says, “I’ve never told anyone that. What are you doing to me, Jamie, making me open up like this?”
My pulse beats faster. I want to tell him that he shouldn’t feel the guilt… and that he has the same effect on me.
“Adam fell asleep before the end of the book.”
I sit up straight and clear my throat. “Thank you,” I stutter and smile at Julie who appeared through the door.
She’s changed. The baggy t-shirt she wore earlier is replaced by a tighter one. And her lips are glossy. She places two bowls on the table – crisps and chocolate, the diet of heroes – and sits on the other sofa.
“Jamie suggested we could do glamping,” Trevor tells Julie around a mouthful of crisps.
“You mean those plastic domes?”
“Yeah, well it doesn’t have to be that fancy,” I explain, reaching for a piece of chocolate. “There are a lot of different types.”
She brings out her phone and with the speed that only teenagers possess, soon she has a bunch of images of glamping pods on her screen.
“Oh, these have converted an old gipsy wagon.” Her face reflects pure excitement as she turns to her brother. “We could do up Glenda.”
“Glenda?” I ask.
“Glenda is an old shepherd’s hut, on wheels,” Julie explains. “We used it as a playhouse when we were younger.”
“A shepherd’s hut? You could probably charge more for staying in it, since it will have a unique flair. I assume it would have to be renovated, though?”
“Could you do it up, Trevor?”
He leans back in his seat, his fingers tapping the armrests, eying his sister, then me. “It’s watertight, so I don’t see why not.”
Julie jumps up and squeals, doing a little dance. Trevor laughs, and in his eyes, I see the same love and devotion that I know is reflected in my eyes when I make Adam happy. I’d do anything to hear Adam’s laugh, and I know Trevor would do anything to make his sister happy.