15. Nova
15
NOVA
B ryan lifted Amelia into his arms. “Time to head back home,” he announced.
I started to ask them both what they wanted for dinner, but then I noticed something. It was subtle at first. Maybe it was in my head and I was reading too much into it, but Bryan was noticeably walking several paces ahead of me. Earlier, he had walked with Amelia and me, but now he was outpacing me and gaining distance.
I scampered to keep up. “It seems to have gotten colder,” I said. I figured maybe he was in a hurry to get back inside because the snow was getting thicker.
Nothing. Not even a grunt. Maybe that man he stopped to talk with reminded him that he had to get something done. Maybe I really was overreacting and I needed to get over myself. There were so many things I needed to get over. The list seemed to get longer every day. I wasn’t tackling anything other than my immediate needs.
When there was the very real possibility of not having enough cash flow to cover the rent or electricity bill, it was hard to think about taking care of my other, more long-term, issues. I didn’t have time to focus on myself until it all became too overwhelming and that’s all I could deal with. My life had become nothing more than a series of constant emergencies. But this afternoon, I had been able to put all that angst aside and simply enjoy my time and the company.
Until now. Suddenly, the dynamic changed and I felt very defensive. All because Bryan was walking a few paces faster than me. Yeah, I needed to get out of my head. I was overthinking everything. I should be more focused on what I was going to make for dinner and whether I needed to go to the store for anything.
Did we have cheese? I think we did. I tried to picture cheese in the refrigerator. Yes, there was cheese. There was chicken. As I mentally went through the list of items I needed for chicken tacos, I confirmed that I did not need to go shopping. At least not for dinner.
It might be good to get some Christmas candies like those little spiced gumdrops for the gingerbread house. That is if we even managed to get it standing upright. And we were low on brown sugar. I was going to need to go to the store, after all.
Bryan was already helping Amelia into the car by the time I caught up with them. I stopped myself from apologizing for being ‘so slow’. I hadn’t been slow. Bryan had been fast. And I didn’t need to apologize for anything. This was simply a fortuitous, well-timed reminder not to fall for the boss. And as a teacher, I managed to not get too emotionally attached to my students, so I should be able to manage not getting attached to Amelia. I was allowed to like her. I was allowed to be happy around her. I didn’t need to misinterpret those lower level surface emotions for anything more intense.
I looked at Bryan and reminded myself of David. No forming attachments. Stop it.
Bryan didn’t even acknowledge me when I started to open the passenger car door but switched to opening the back door. I climbed in next to Amelia. It didn’t feel right to sit up front with the employer. And Bryan was my employer. I had to get that through my thick skull.
Of course, his actions at the moment were making it easy for me to distance myself.
“That was fun,” I said to Amelia. She looked sad.
“I want to stay,” she complained. She sniffed. The tip of her nose wasn’t red, so I didn’t think it was a sniffle from being too cold.
I pulled a tissue from my coat pocket and handed it to her. “Are you sad the fun is over?”
She nodded.
“It’s okay to be sad that the fun is over. But remember to be happy you got to see all those ice sculptures. And wasn’t the carriage ride fun?”
She nodded. “But I don’t want it to be over.”
I tapped her in the middle of her forehead. “It doesn’t have to be over here. You can close your eyes and remember everything.”
She closed her eyes and a smile crossed her face. Suddenly, her eyes snapped open. “Do you think Santa will bring me presents this year?”
“What do you mean?” I didn’t know how to answer her. “Does Santa normally bring you presents?”
“He does at Grandmother’s house, but not at home. We don’t usually have a Christmas tree.”
I shot a glance at the back of Bryan’s head. He was completely ignoring us. It was the first time I really noticed his expression. His scowl indicated that he was deep in concentration about something. He didn’t hear Amelia. And I didn’t think this would be a good time to ask. Would he be introspective enough to not blurt something out in front of his daughter that might hurt her feelings?
“I don’t know, Amelia. Maybe Santa will continue to take things to your grandmother’s house. Maybe he’ll surprise you.”
“Does Santa know what I want to get Daddy?”
I shook my head. “Santa doesn’t do your shopping for you. You want to get your father a present?”
She nodded. “And Grandmother, too. And Humphrey. I would like to get him a new collar.”
She really did love that stuffed animal.
“I have to get back to work,” Bryan announced as he turned the SUV off and climbed out, leaving Amelia and me to get ourselves out of the car.
I shrugged it off. Maybe we had spent a bit longer than he had wanted. I really liked the idea of thinking I was being included in the family, even for a little while. His harsh behavior felt out of character, but the reality I needed to accept was that I wasn’t part of their little family. And it had been exceptionally nice of them to have included me at all.
I got Amelia unbuckled and followed her back into the house. I assumed Bryan went back to his office while Amelia and I headed back to the kitchen. It had become our default area to hang out in. I did need to cook, and it was a good place to make a mess, plus, the big screen TV made it easy to pop a movie on when I ran out of ideas or I needed Amelia to be occupied so I could get some work done.
In the short amount of time I had been working for Amelia and her father, I set up a craft center next to the table. This way, I didn’t have to stop everything and go in search of the various supplies Amelia might want. It would all get put away before the regular cook returned.
Amelia grabbed a coloring book before climbing onto a chair and staring at the gingerbread pieces. “It didn’t fix itself,” she announced.
I helped to pull her coat from her arms. “You thought Christmas elves would come and magically fix it?”
She nodded.
“More likely, the reindeer would break in and eat the cookies,” I teased as I pulled out the basket of crayons and set them on the table next to her.
“Santa eats the cookies. The reindeer eat carrots.”
“Oh, they do?” I had been that kid who left out cookies on Christmas eve, and it had been years before I realized it was my parents who ate the cookies. I never did leave out carrots for the deer. Maybe I should have. But I seriously doubted my father would have eaten Christmas carrots to appease the Christmas magic spirit I had as a child.
I added carrots to the growing shopping list I had in my head.
“When can we build the gingerbread house?” she asked mournfully.
“I have to get dinner started. We should ask your father if he wants to help. Maybe we can do it while dinner is cooking?”
“Can we? I’ll go ask Daddy!”
Amelia abandoned the coloring book and was out of the kitchen in a flash. With a groan, I followed. I should have anticipated her eagerness to recruit Bryan back into Christmas activities.
He stood at his office door, arms folded, sternly looking down at his daughter. Amelia danced in place before stomping her foot.
“Go work on your coloring book,” I said as I reached them. I guided Amelia’s little shoulders back in the direction of the kitchen.
“Sorry about that. She got an idea in her head and ran before I could redirect her.”
“She’s still obsessed with that damned gingerbread house. Do something about it or I will.” His tone was gruff. I didn’t understand where this anger was suddenly coming from, but I wasn’t going let it get in the way. I had a job to do.
“She wants you to have fun with her. She had a good afternoon and wants that to continue. We’ll work on the gingerbread house without you, but expect her to want to show it off.” I turned to leave but turned back to him. I wasn’t certain I would get another chance to speak with him this evening, especially if he was going to close himself off in his office. “A couple of things real quick, before I forget. Amelia would like to go gift shopping. How do you want to handle that? I’m happy to go shopping with her, but I’ll need a spending budget.”
“I can take her shopping,” he snapped.
I shook my head. “She wants to get you something. So either me or your mother needs to take her. Oh, and also, Amelia was wondering if Santa will be bringing her presents here this year now that you have a tree? You need to think about how you want to handle that.”