Chapter 30
Quincy
Despite having slept no more than an hour or two last night thanks to racing, life-altering thoughts that stemmed from yesterday’s brunch, I was feeling light and optimistic, humming quietly to Juniper as the sun rose in a dramatic splash of violets morphing into soft pinks and corals over the lake.
It might be three days before Thanksgiving, but Monday had dawned a breathtaking—if brisk—morning.
June Bug and I were sitting on the shore with a doubled-up blanket beneath me and the baby in a sling on my chest. I’d put her fuzzy white polar bear hat on her head and wrapped a heavier blanket around the two of us to keep us toasty as we listened to several birds serenade us and watched a pair of hearty ducks paddling across the water.
Though Knox’s shoreline was currently empty of any benches, seats, or docks, it had the potential to be the heart of his outdoor space.
I could easily imagine Juniper learning to fish off a dock as a toddler and sunbathe on the shore as a teenager.
I could picture Knox helping her onto a family boat—and then holding my hand as I climbed on, maybe with another baby in my arms.
The image in my mind was so vivid, so easy to see all of a sudden, that it took my breath away with longing.
That was what I wanted. I wanted Knox and Juniper. I wanted a family, but not just any family. I wanted Knox’s family. His babies and him.
As if I summoned him with my thoughts, I heard the door to the house close behind me. I took in a shaky breath, straightening, preparing.
Juniper’s gaze locked on something behind me.
“Is that your daddy?” I asked her, then brushed a dark lock of hair off her forehead. I knew without looking Knox was getting close. I could feel him in my blood.
He came to the end of the path and sat on the blanket next to us.
“Morning,” he said, his voice still with a hint of sleepy gravel.
“Hey,” I said, smiling at him, trying to hold in all the feelings that were on the verge of bursting out of me.
“It’s early. Are you warm enough?”
“We’re toasty in here, aren’t we, June Bug?”
Juniper reached for Knox with a toothless grin and big eyes.
“You want your daddy.” I raised my brows at him to see if he was ready for his daughter.
Knox’s face brightened as he gave the baby an exaggerated smile. “Come here, princess. I need morning kisses.”
I watched father and daughter laugh and kiss and play, my heart threatening to explode with affection and hope. And nervous energy.
“Do you have time to talk, or do you need to get to work soon?” I asked as Knox rubbed noses with his daughter.
His smile slipped away as he supported Juniper in a standing position between his legs. She couldn’t stand on her own yet, but she loved to try, loved to bounce with someone holding her. She was building her muscles, getting ready, and would master it before we knew it.
“Sure. We can talk. Want to go inside for it? Get this girl warmed up?”
“Good idea.” I’d bundled her in a thick one-piece footie outfit so that her feet would stay covered, but now that she was out of the sling and my blanket, it was too cold to have her out for long.
We stood, and Knox walked next to me, carrying Juniper inside, still playful with his daughter but subdued.
Was that my imagination or was he concerned about our upcoming discussion?
Maybe he thought I was going to quit early.
I allowed the faintest private smile to creep onto my lips, anticipating his reaction when I said basically the opposite.
A few minutes later, we had June settled on the living room floor with some toys. I sat on one side of the sectional, the blanket pulled around me even when Knox started the fireplace. He came over and sat on the other side, a few inches away.
“What’s going on, Quincy?”
I inhaled deeply as I met his concerned gaze, gathering my courage. “I’ve decided not to go to school after all.”
His expression went…not at all the way I expected it to. His features dipped in a frown, brows wrinkled in confusion. Not happiness.
I moved to his side, letting the blanket fall away, kneeling on the cushion next to him so I could make him understand. With my hand on his strong forearm, I sought out eye contact. “Knox, I love you and Juniper. I want to be here with the two of you, not an hour away—”
He shook his head, frowning, and I tensed, my chest locking up with fear. “No, Quincy.”
“What?”
“You can’t do that.” He shook his head in a tight, insistent movement. “I can’t let you do that.”
“You can’t let me do what? Love you?” An incredulous, half-crazed laugh came out of me. “Too late, Knox. You don’t get a say in that. My feelings are already there.”
He surprised me again by bolting off the couch and putting space between us, his gaze locked on the floor.
A sick feeling washed over me as I watched him, my hope crashing that he’d maybe misunderstood me at first and would realize this was happy news.
As the situation sank in, my mouth gaped. I was too stunned to find words to convince him or argue.
“You’re on the verge of…everything, Quincy,” he said. “Your life is getting ready to take off in a good way. Your future, your goals—”
“Changed,” I said decisively, but he was shaking his head again. I perched on the edge of the cushion, my whole body tense as I struggled to find the right words to make him understand.
“You’re twenty-eight years old. You’re about to embark on the career path you were put on this earth to follow. Everyone agrees you’re going to be a stellar teacher. I’m not going to let you give that up. Not for us. This was always supposed to be temporary.”
“You can’t tell me you don’t have feelings for me.”
He didn’t look at me. “Of course I have feelings for you. I care deeply about you. That’s why I can’t let you give up everything you want.”
“I told you; I want you and Juniper.” Anger was burning through my disbelief.
I shot up off the sectional, no longer able to fight this battle sitting down.
I shouldn’t have to fight this battle at all.
This was crazy. “Why can’t you understand I changed my mind, Knox?
As you pointed out, I’m twenty-eight. Old enough to decide what I want.
Old enough to figure out that the whole women-can-do-everything schtick isn’t for me.
I don’t want to do everything. My mom was the queen of doing everything and doing it better than everybody.
” I shook my head, tears dampening my eyes.
Angry tears. Frustrated tears. “I’m not my mom.
Believe it or not, Cynthia helped me see it’s okay if I don’t want to be. ”
“You can’t just throw away all your plans because of us. You’ve said it yourself—you made that mistake with your ex.”
I reared back because that stung. More than stung. It crushed me, got it through my head that Knox didn’t want what I wanted. I sat back down on the edge of the sectional, all my optimism draining.
As I fought to get my brain to work, to figure out what to do next, Knox lowered himself to the ottoman in front of me, facing me. He leaned his elbows on his thighs, not meeting my eyes, not touching me.
“We’re in two different life stages, Quincy. You’re about to get started. I can’t wait to see what you become, because you’re going to be amazing. I refuse to stand in your way.”
I opened my mouth to argue, but he held out a hand and said, “You have to try it. Juniper and I will miss you, but you can visit whenever you’re in town.”
I couldn’t imagine how awkward that would be. It was irrelevant though because I wasn’t going to school. I’d decided that deliberately, separately from loving Knox and June. I loved being a nanny. I didn’t know why it’d taken me twenty-eight years to figure that out, but it had.
But clearly, Knox didn’t care what I wanted. He wasn’t open to listening to me, didn’t think I could make up my mind about my own future. I stood and stepped past him, needing space.
I walked over to the kitchen island, leaned my elbows on it, and covered my face with my hands.
Putting physical distance between us didn’t help a thing.
I couldn’t begin to figure out what my next move was.
I was still trying to wrap my head around how everything had gone sideways in a matter of minutes.
“Why don’t you go to your apartment for a few days,” he said, startling me because he was so close, right behind me. “Give yourself some space from me and June so you can think straight.”
I stood upright. Just when I’d thought it couldn’t get worse… “You want me to leave?”
“I think it’d be best. You need a clear head, away from us.”
Don’t tell me what I need. I bit down on the words, keeping them in, acknowledging that nothing I could say would change his stance.
If I had to convince him, beg him, then it wasn’t the right thing anyway.
I shouldn’t have to convince him to spend the future with me, or even the next month and a half.
Feeling like the rug had been ripped out from under me, I couldn’t utter an answer. I looked him in the eye, trying to reach the man I’d fallen for, checking to see if he would back down.
He didn’t.
I glanced at Juniper. Adorable, chubby Junie Bee. A tear spilled over the rim of my eye, splashing down my face.
“June Bug and I’ll be okay,” Knox said, as if that would make everything fine. “You’ve prepared us to go it alone. We’ve got this.”
I fought to swallow. Nodded once. Battled hard not to let any more tears fall. Not in front of him. “Fine,” I managed, doubting I’d be okay.
I took less than two minutes to gather my toiletries and some other belongings I might need in the next few days. I left most of my clothes, figuring I’d be back soon, when Knox came to his senses.
Even though I was completely unsure he would come to his senses.