Chapter 3
Visha
Slick with sweat, I stare at the ceiling, waiting for my heart to stop hammering in my chest.
I still can’t sleep without him. It’s no use trying. I grab the frame on the nightstand and slide my thumb over the picture. Ocean blue eyes stare back at me, trapped in time.
I miss you, Aoi.
Hugging the picture between my arms, I sigh.
I don’t bother holding back the tears streaming down my face as they stain the pillow.
It’s the same every night ever since I lost him eight years ago.
My nightmares surge through my brain and haul me out of my sleep, leaving me to relive my failed existence until I finally stop trying to fall asleep.
When I still lived with Aoi, I slept like a baby on a cloud. Now, I can barely catch four hours of sleep before I am jolted awake by a nightmare.
Sometimes it’s images of centipedes crawling over my limbs and morphing into large, calloused hands kneading my bleeding skin. Other times, it’s a remixed tape of every moment lived with Aoi, with an echoing voice reminding me that I abandoned the only thing that I genuinely wanted.
He was in the palm of my hand, but I lost him. I need him back. Without him, I’m nothing. He’s everything I’ve ever needed.
My phone buzzes on the covers. I glance at the screen and sit up against the headboard.
Liv
You up?
ME
Same as always.
Liv
Wanna come over?
ME
It’s late though. Isn’t Nick gonna get mad?
Liv
He’s not home, and even if he were, he wouldn’t mind.
ME
Give me half an hour.
After I graduated from high school, Bellami agreed to let me study at NYU. He didn’t like the idea at first, saying it wasn’t good enough for me and that I should aim higher. I didn’t care much about education.
I promised Olivia we’d go to college together, so I packed my things and moved to New York.
Sure, Bellami and I got into a huge fight that ended with him threatening to follow me, and guess what? He fucking did. He’s like a dog with a bone. Once he’s got it, he doesn’t let go.
I wasn’t sure if she had ended up here. We hadn’t spoken in almost four years when I found her on campus.
Man, I was on the moon! How could I not be when I finally found my best friend after years apart?
She recognized me instantly. I thought it would take more than a glance, but to her, I still had–and I quote–‘the same shit face’.
Now, we have classes together, and we hang out whenever we can. She lives with her roommate, a guy I’ve spoken to a couple of times. At first, I thought she was hooking up with him, but when I saw how she looked at women, I realized I was dead wrong.
Liv is a raging lesbian. It wasn’t really shocking, to be honest. She never cared about guys in high school, after all. And when I say that she looks at women like they’re goddesses blessing the ground we walk on, I mean it.
She has this burning hatred for the male species, and not only is it hilarious, but also 100% justified. I think it all started with her deadbeat father, and then the endless parade of shitty men she’s met simply reinforced her initial disgust and disdain.
I get off the bed and stride toward the bathroom. My reflection in the mirror makes me frown. I look exhausted, with dark circles under my eyes tainting my handsome face.
What? I’m hot, and that’s a fact. I don’t see why I should humble myself and pretend I’m not dashing.
My eyes flicker to the light blue glass flacon resting on the cabinet shelf. It’s one of the many bottles of Aoi’s perfume I store nearby. I wouldn’t even say that it’s merely because of the scent, but more about seeing something that belonged to him every day.
I seem to always search for pieces of him in the world.
***
“You know I’m against drugs and shit, but maybe you should try sleeping pills.”
I glare at her. “I already told you, no.”
“You’re a fucking zombie, Visha,” she counters. “If you don’t at least get eight hours of sleep, you’re gonna drop dead eventually.”
“I’ll survive this,” I chuckle. “I’ve been dealing with this shit for years. Besides, I have already tried sleeping pills. They don’t do crap for me.”
She grabs a pillow and throws it at me. “Spend the night here. At least you won’t be alone. It seems to help sometimes.”
It doesn’t.
I just never told her that even when I sleep next to her, my nightmares still claw at my throat and rip my skin apart, jolting me awake and forcing me to float in a puddle of sweat.
Instead, I try to be as quiet as possible to not wake her when it occurs.
“Yeah, thanks.” I shove the pillow under my head and let her tuck the blanket over us. “Good night, and thanks for letting me stay over.”
“You’re my best friend. I’d help you hide a body, if needed.”
I laugh and flip her off. “You’re so dumb.”
“Says you.”
I nuzzle against the fabric of the black pillow and inhale her scent, but it does nothing to ease the nausea throbbing in my gut.
The worst part is that I can only faintly remember Aoi’s scent.
If it weren’t for the stock of his favorite perfume in my closet that I take a whiff of daily, I’d have forgotten his fragrance and probably lost my mind.
Am I borderline obsessed with him?
Perhaps.
Okay, I most certainly am.
Nights like these make me hate my stupid choices. I often catch myself fantasizing about a present in which he and I spend our days intertwined, sewn together, forever.
But that’s all it is.
A fantasy.
He is not mine, but I remain his.