Chapter 15
Aoi
Jason’s hands roam my back and slide over my shirt, kneading my skin through the fabric. My mind is a haze and all I can do is focus on the touch of his fingers grazing my neck.
I know it’s a bad idea to sleep with him, but all reason has left me. If he can make me feel less like I’m drowning, even for a second, then why push him away?
He’s a rotten monster that’s why.
But so am I.
“You truly are her son,” he says, stroking the tender flesh under my eyes. “The same shade of blue as hers.”
My eyes. The last reminder of my mother. Yet he seems displeased every time he gazes at them as if he’d have preferred to forget their significance.
I know what he’ll say next even though I have always failed to understand his reasons.
“Smile for me, my dear.”
I have nothing to smile for and yet I indulge him.
Jason mirrors my gesture and presses a delicate peck on the bridge of my nose. “You have your father’s smile.”
“You say that often.”
“I mean it.”
“Why do you…”
He leans into me and brushes his lips over the sensitive spot under my jaw. “Yes?”
“Why do you always seem so irritated when you look me in the eyes?” My bottom lip wobbles and I clench my fists at my sides.
I finally asked him.
“What do you mean?” He unbuttons my shirt and trails kisses down my collarbone then leans away to take a better look at my pale skin and chest rising with every breath.
“It’s just that I don’t understand why you always look so annoyed when you look me in the eyes, but you like my smile.” I avert my gaze, not wanting to see his displeasure deepen from the inquiry. “Do you hate my eyes? Are they ugly to you?”
“Ugly?” he repeats, pressing a kiss on my fluttering eyelid. “Not at all.”
Then why does he look at me like that?
“Aoi,” he scowls.
“Hmm?” I reach for his jaw, but he slaps my hand away.
The stinging of his rejection vibrates through me with the intensity of an earthquake. His lustful expression fades into anger and I swallow the thickening lump in my throat.
“What’s going on?” I ask, growing restless. “Did I say something wrong?”
He removes his hands from me, nostrils flaring, and rolls up his sleeves.
His reaction almost frightens me when he takes a step back looking like he’s holding back from yelling at me.
Before I can say anything else, he sends a flower vase flying against the wall, ceramic shards scattering all around me.
I startle and raise my arms around my head, ducking from the debris. “Have I done something wrong?” I ask, noticing a small shake in my voice. “I’m sorry I-”
Jason strides toward the window and slams his fist against the glass. “I can forgive your depravity, but not when the evidence of it marks your skin. It disgusts me to touch you when you’ve been defiled by another.”
Something in me breaks and splatters all over the floor. I want to lurch and hide from this mess I’ve caused. I should have known the hickeys would anger him. Of course he wouldn’t be able to see past my promiscuity.
My body bears the proof that I’m cheaper than dirt.
I reach for him, but he shoves me out of the way, slamming me against the closet.
“Jason, wait! I’m sorry I was wrong. It was wrong of me. I… forgot about the hickeys.”
“Forgot?” he echoes, slowly turning to get a good look at the fool provoking him. “Do you think that makes it better? I can’t do shit with your apology.”
I grab his hand, hesitantly parting my lips to utter an apology but no sound leaves my mouth. I don’t want to lose him, too. I won’t be able to take it if I’m left utterly alone in this world.
Please, don’t leave me. Not you too.
Jason is the lighthouse that guides me home when I feel like I’m sinking in the sea.
Without him, I’m lost.
He’s the one dragging you below the surface.
I know but…still.
“Don’t touch me. You disgust me.” He yanks his arm away and stalks out of the room, slamming the door behind him.
The walls rattle and a violent shake envelops me.
Disgusting.
I’m disgusting.
A useless piece of garbage who’s only good enough for sexual gratification.
A used up hole.
Disgusting.
Whore.
I’m pathetic. I couldn’t even keep him in my life. The only person that has always chosen me just walked out on me.
He hates me now. Finds me repulsive.
I sag over the cold floor, gawking at my spread out palms and picturing razor blades stabbing my flesh until there is nothing left.
I deserve this. It’s my fault. All my fault.
It takes me a few seconds too long before the red ink clogging my lungs recedes and air surges in. It tears my flesh in the most oddly consoling way, and I catch myself wishing this pain would devour me, leaving only ashes behind.
I push myself up, battling my shaky legs and cry out his name as I stalk after him. “Jason, wait!”
Fuck. I’m really an idiot.
The elevator doors close in front of me, leaving me with no other choice than to take the stairs. I jump down two stairs at once, bolting as fast as I can to catch up to him before it’s too late.
My eyes scan the vicinity as I get to the lobby, muscles straining to rush my tired body outside of the hotel.
I search for him, but he’s nowhere to be found.
Gone.
He’s gone.
Why am I surprised that even he abandoned me? That’s what people always do. They claim to love you, to want you. They promise to stay forever, but then they disappear the moment they have their way with you.
The thought makes me recoil and slap my palm over my mouth, holding back from throwing up all over the concrete floor.
A cold breeze washes over me, making my open blouse drift in the evening gust. I clutch my shirt and feel shame rise to my cheeks, coating them with a string of heat that I want to claw off my flesh.
Jason is nowhere to be seen, and I’m embarrassing myself by the second, waiting for someone who doesn’t want me anymore.
My lungs wage war against the oxygen forcing its way in. I can’t breathe and my heart is in shambles.
He doesn’t want me anymore. No one wants me.
A dark voice speaks behind me, calling my name with softness and surprise. I spin around in hopes to beg for forgiveness and fix my mistake, but a new face greets me instead. Disappointment must be fragrant on my face, but I don’t have the strength to pretend.
“What happened? You don’t look too good,” Andrew tells me with that worried expression of his.
Disgusting. Liar. How can someone who doesn’t even know me be worried about me?
I’m still standing in the spring evening breeze, chest exposed and the urge to scream and break something. His hand reaches for my shirt, and almost out of reflex, I smack it away before it touches me.
I’m dirty. Touching me would only stain his hands. This is exactly what led me to this ruinous state.
I corrupt what I touch.
“What’s wrong?” he presses, his eyes darting over my disgraceful state. “Aoi…”
I cover my face with both hands and hold back a sob as I reply, “Everything. Everything’s wrong.”
I’m pathetic.
Revolting.
Fucking disgusting.
What kind of person bursts into tears, without shame, in front of a stranger? I need to get my shit together, but all I want right now is to jump into my car and drive off somewhere no one can find me.
A heavy coat falls over my shoulders, enveloping me in a familiar warmth and a soft fragrance that makes my head spin.
I know that scent.
Such an unfamiliar yet soothing perfume. I would not be able to tell whom it belongs to until I raise my head to absorb the gentle honey eyes scanning my face.
“I don’t know what exactly happened, and I won’t ask you to tell me, but please let me take you somewhere quiet. It’s chilly out here. Can you let me help you? Please.”
His hands gently rub my arms to keep me warm as I shiver from the cold in my bones.
He’s so kind, and I don’t deserve a drop of that kindness. How can he look at me with such softness? Why doesn’t he push me away?
I know I’m being unreasonable, but everything is ruined anyway. I screwed everything up, and I doubt I can fix it, even if I try.
I lean my forehead against his torso, relishing the sensation of stability and comfort that washes over me.
His heart beats steadily, its pace quickening in his ribcage the longer we remain in this position. Every beat, every raise of his chest is proof that he’s alive and not a figment of my imagination.
The heat radiating from him reminds me of the nights when I…When…When I what? Huh? I can’t remember.
Another erased memory.
I’m sick of them popping up randomly when I’m at my lowest. Either come back at once or not at all. What’s the point of reminding me of the years that disappeared in a snap of fingers?
This isn’t right. Being comforted by him, I mean.
I step back to give him some personal space but instead of judging me for my behavior, his shoulders slump.
Andrew gazes at me with concern that strips me of my shields one by one until I feel my strings unravelling at a terrifying pace.
I have to get away from him.
I can’t let him shatter my walls so easily.
“I’m sorry. That was inappropriate.” I wipe my tears away. “Thank you for your kindness, but I should leave.”
I turn toward the hotel entrance and take a step in when a firm hand grabs my arm. “Wait. Don’t go.”
A sense of urgency flashes through those golden irises, and for a moment, a crazy thought pulses in my mind like a silent dare to cause more harm.
If he asked me to, I would voluntarily follow him where the lies end and the truth begins.
But I have long forgotten where the boundary lies.
It doesn’t matter where he’d take me as long as it allows me to finally rest without constantly having to listen to the thoughts in my head reminding me that I’m worthless.
“Let me help. Please, I want to help you,” he pleads as though his inability to assist in any way physically pains him.
I don’t want to be someone’s charity case. So what if I’m miserable? How does that mean that it’s okay for him to pity me? For whom does he take me?
I yank away, feeling the spot burn where his hand had been a second ago. “I appreciate your concern, Mr. Lacroix, but you’re overstepping.”
“Andrew.”
“What?”
“Call me Andrew. Not Mr. Lacroix,” he says, his tone firm but his eyes betray his true feelings. “I don’t want to be a stranger to you, Aoi.”
More and more people are starting to gather around us, gaping incredulously at the scene we’re causing. I chew the inside of my cheek, biting on it until the skin tears and I taste blood on my tongue.
I wish I could just sink at the bottom of a lake.
I can’t stand their judging eyes telling me that I’m a waste of space. Their watchful gazes narrow on me like I’m a disappointment, silently whispering at me to crawl back into my hole like the maggot I am.
“What are you thinking about?” he asks, making me stagger backwards. “Whatever happened, I doubt it’s your fault.”
This man is trouble and yet I can’t look away. Instead, I catch a hold of his hand and pull him closer.
“Take me away from here. I don’t care where as long as it’s somewhere far away.” My voice trembles and he gawks at me. “You said you didn’t want to be a stranger to me. Then do me this favor. Please.”