Chapter 25
Aoi
I may or may not have freaked out again.
Andrew is so open with his affection and interest in me that I can’t seem to deal with it rationally. I don’t even understand how he can want me.
It doesn’t make any sense.
So, yeah, I totally didn’t answer his last text, again. Instead, I grabbed my things and decided to hide in Amira’s and Elena’s apartment where we ordered Chinese food. Sally joined us later on and made us open a bottle of white wine.
“I can’t believe you ditched us last time,” Sally whines, stealing a bite of my noodles. “You have to make it up to us.”
“Sorry. Something unexpected came up.”
She pours me another glass of wine, set on getting me drunk tonight. “I went on a date with the weirdest man today. Ugh, he was so fucking creepy. I’m so sick of men.”
Elena snorts and says, “Fuck men. Women are better anyway. Why do you keep trying to make it work with them?”
“I don’t know!” She grunts loudly and stares at her glass. “I hate that I’m attracted to those bastards.”
“You’re bisexual, Sally,” I point out. “Date women instead.”
Amira laughs and kisses her girlfriend’s cheek “He’s right. You don’t have to keep giving shitty men a chance. You deserve better and it’s time you let love come to you instead of chasing it.
Elena nods in agreement. “Men are disappointments who don’t deserve women. You’ll never find happiness with one of them, Sally. You’re the type of woman who shines too bright for any man to ever understand. You’re just too good for them.”
“Goodness, you’re so right!” Sally grins, nodding frantically. “Fuck men, they all suck anyway.”
“I get it. I’m not welcome here,” I joke, wiping away a fake tear from my eye. “I’ll remove my disgraceful presence then.”
The girls burst out laughing as Sally throws her arms around my waist. “Bitch don’t even think about it. You’re the only man I give a damn about!”
Smiling like an idiot, I pat her head. “You’d start chasing me with a chainsaw if I ever dared to run from you.”
She smirks mischievously. “That’s an understatement.”
I stop laughing when Amira speaks up. “Anything new in your life, Aoi? You seem more cheerful.”
A nervous chuckle escapes me as Sally sits back on her chair and stares at me, awaiting an answer. Amira tilts her head innocently, unaware of the hidden truth behind that question.
“Nothing new. Although I did go on a date with a younger man. Totally unexpected turn of events.”
Sally gasps. “Spill the tea. Now.”
I take a sip of my wine and stare at the liquid before bringing my gaze back to them. “His name is Andrew. Oddly so, he confessed his massive crush on me and asked me out.”
I omit his wealth and influential position because if they knew, they’d probably be more biased. I’d rather they built an opinion of him regardless of his background.
Amira blinks several times before she clears her throat. “You don’t usually go for younger men, though.”
“Yeah, and I still wouldn’t, but he’s really cute and dangerously handsome. You can tell I wasn’t thinking straight when I agreed to have dinner with him, but I don’t regret it yet.”
“Someone’s got a crush,” Sally taunts, wiggling her brows.
“Nah, it’s purely physical attraction. I think I’ve met him before though, and that’s got me really confused.”
Elena points her chopsticks at me with a raised brow. “How so?”
“The company organized a party to celebrate my decision to introduce my new book under my real name and reveal who Devon Reid actually is. And that evening I hooked up with a man whose face I can’t remember, but I suspect it may have been Andrew.”
Elena’s mouth hangs low, and Sally speaks instead of her. “First of all, congratulations on the big decision! We’re super proud of you and we’ll definitely celebrate that later. Secondly, how the fuck are these two related? I’m confused.”
I chuckle and poke her forehead. “The next morning Andrew came up to me in the hotel lobby, and best believe he acted way too friendly for it to be a mere coincidence.”
“But you’re not sure,” Amira adds. “Were you drunk?”
I groan and tug on the hair on my nape. “I wasn’t drunk, but I think someone slipped something in my drink that night.
One thing led to another, and I ended up naked in a hotel room.
Maybe the alcohol I drank mixed with my meds and created that sudden rush in me.
Don’t know, don’t care. Also, I broke up with Rachel yesterday ‘cause this fake relationship was starting to get in the way. She was very understanding about it.”
“But technically you were still with her when you hooked up with that guy. She might be a bitch but still I didn’t peg you for a cheater, Aoi,” Elena chimes in. “That’s very disappointing coming from you.”
“Don’t call her a bitch. Rachel is really nice and funny, too. You’d like her if you actually spoke to her. She and I had an agreement. I was doing her a favor by dating her since she wanted to make her ex jealous, and she was a good cover against nosy people. So, no I didn’t cheat on her.”
Amira smiles gently from across the table and leans forward. “Aoi, let’s not brush over what happened to you, okay?”
“What do you mean?” I swallow a sip of wine. “Nothing happened. The sex was amazing.”
“You said someone might’ve spiked your drink. I think we should take that into consideration. If you’ve been drugged then this is a serious matter, you know?”
Sally slams her palm on the table, startling us. “We have to report it!”
“Why?”
“The fuck you mean ‘why’?” Elena demands more serious than ever. “This is a big deal.”
“What’s the point? It’s already been too long since the incident, and it could’ve been anyone. Besides, I’m not even sure if I was drugged. As I said, it could’ve been my meds reacting to the alcohol. Besides, I threw myself at him, not the other way around.”
Elena frowns and crosses her arms over her chest. “This is so suspicious. I’m telling you that guy you went out with has to have something to do with this.”
I shake my head. “He didn’t strike me as malicious.”
“You’re too naive, Aoi. Stop trusting men so easily especially after you’ve just been drugged and assaulted,” Sally says, raising her voice at me. “Men are more dangerous than you think.”
“It wasn’t assault,” I correct.
“You were under the influence. You can’t consent when you’re on drugs, love,” Amira explains kindly but that only infuriates me.
“It wasn’t assault for fuck’s sake,” I snap. “I’d have to not consent for it to be.”
“But you weren’t in a state to consent.”
I scoff, sounding more condescending than I meant to.
“You know me wrong if you think drugs would change anything about me getting laid by strangers. I get drunk all the time and end up hooking up with random men. So, now what? Do you still think it’s assault?
Are you going to call all the times I hooked up with dudes in bars while wasted assault? ”
The three of them remain quiet for a while and gawk at me as if I’ve grown a second head.
I should’ve just shut my mouth and kept all of it to myself. They didn’t need to know about that evening. I don’t want to begin imagining how disappointed and disgusted they must be.
Why do I always fucking ruin everything?
The chair creaks as I get up and grab my coat. “I’m going home.”
“Aoi, wait-”
“I know you all mean well, but I didn’t get assaulted.
I could taste the alcohol on his tongue while we kissed.
Believe me, he wasn’t in his right mind either.
Want to call that mutual assault while you’re at it?
” I groan and feel the scar on my arm itch with a need so deep, I can’t stop the bloody images from surging and plaguing my vision.
“This is all fucking stupid. Just stop making me a victim when you know damn well, I’m not one. ”
I would have ended up fucking a man that night anyway. While on drugs, drunk, or sober. I would have done it either way because I’m a piece of shit with no self-respect and the only time I feel less of a scarred monstrosity is when someone’s hands are on my naked skin.
I’m not a fucking victim.
I’m the perpetrator of my own suffering. I’ve been doing this shit to myself for years. It’s ridiculous to try and paint me as a victim as if I haven’t sought out all these men and haven’t spread my legs for each of them.
Amira gets up from her seat and walks up to me, wrapping her arms around my neck as she whispers against my ear. “No matter what happened–or didn’t happen–it wasn’t your fault. And before you get mad at me, if you really didn’t feel uncomfortable or assaulted, we believe you.”
Then why are you looking at me like I’m a fragile child who lost his way?
I nod and hug her waist, nuzzling the crook of her shoulder as Elena and Sally watch us with soft smiles on their lips that make my stomach lurch.
“We love and respect you no matter what,” Amira assures me but holds back from saying what she truly means.
That I’m a failure and a fucked-up piece of human garbage. That something is wrong in my head for me to seek–no, crave pain and get off on the aching sensation liberating me from my shame.
Nothing changed in eight years. That red ink is still sizzling under my skin, begging me to spread my flesh open and let it flow.
I frown, biting back the nausea as I mumble against her dark skin, “Thank you. I love y’all.”
Sally and Elena join the hug, and the former says, “We love you, too, baby. Now let’s go clubbing! Not only will that make you feel better, but we also need to celebrate your grandiose success as an author!”
Amira chuckles softly but Elena playfully tugs on one of Sally’s dreadlocks. “You just want to get drunk. It’s got nothing to do with Aoi. You’re impossible.”
She laughs and winks at me. “Got me. Let’s go have fun!”
You know what? Dancing and drinking with my favorite people in the universe might just be what I need to distract my ravaged brain.