Chapter 38
Aoi
Keep your hands to yourself, Aoi.
Andrew turns on the ignition and drives off into the night, suit vest forgotten on the back seat and shirt halfway unbuttoned. My eyes drift over the patches of skin peeking under the fabric and I bite my bottom lip.
I’ve got myself in a pickle, haven’t I?
So, not only does my heart beat faster when he treats me like a precious jewel, but my cock twitches at the mere sight of his seductive physique. And that’s a massive problem since I’m only supposed to be entertaining his crush to find out if he’s the mysterious one-night stand.
But fuck, he looks so hot, and I want to know how it feels to have him lose his composure as he pounds into me.
Aoi, you’re a lost cause.
“Where are you taking me?”
I’ve given up a lot of control since I met him. I’ve been letting him take the reins as he introduces me to new feelings that scare the shit out of me, and yet I want to explore them deeper. I want to find out just how deep his love goes.
Is his love strong enough to withstand the tides trying to drag him below the surface with me?
He glances at me and smirks. “Guess.”
“You took me to Paradise and to see the different sides of the world. Even brought me to a fundraiser to meet your brother. If I didn’t know better, we’d be going to a church and get hitched.”
A beautiful rumble of laughter escapes him until he pulls into a private underground parking lot. We sit in silence as he turns to me, and his gaze lingers on my face. My cheeks heat up, forcing me to avert my eyes toward the glove box.
“As much as I’d love to become your husband until death do us part, we’re not getting married tonight”
I part my lips when his palm comes into contact with my cheek.
“You wouldn’t want to marry me,” I retort, leaning into his touch as he closes the distance and stops right before our lips clash.
“You’re right,” he murmurs against my greedy lips. “I don’t want to marry you, Aoi. I need to.”
I scoff and grab his wrist. “Shut up.”
“Make me.”
“No,” I smile. “That’s exactly what you want.”
His tongue darts out over my bottom lip and I shudder at the contact, ignoring my better judgement as I crash my mouth on his and devour that devious self-assurance of his.
I groan against him when he wraps his hands around me and carefully drops me on his lap.
Who would’ve thought our movements would be so restricted in a sports car?
It doesn’t stop me from straddling his thickening erection poking me through his pants.
My heart races faster as my mind takes in how hard he is because of me.
He wants me and isn’t scared to show it.
“Focus on me, my Paradise,” he murmurs into the kiss, cupping my ass, and grinding me against his boner.
The look he shoots me when my eyes flutter open is one I want to capture and anchor deeply into my memories so I can play it on repeat until I grow sick of it.
“You have no idea how hard it is.”
“Tell me.” He targets my neck and leaves a trail of love bites as I squirm in his embrace. “I want to know every thought in your mind. As fleeting as they may be. Give them all to me.”
I gasp when he sinks his teeth into my collar and my dick strains against my suit pants. “I don’t think what we’re doing is right. I know how you feel about me, and I like being the recipient of your affection.”
“But?” he asks, curling his arms around my waist and hugging me almost like he’s scared I’ll disappear.
And maybe I will.
“But you deserve someone who will love you proudly and treat you like the sweetheart you are. You deserve to be with someone who will never abandon you when things get tough. I like you, Andrew. I want to be with you, but I know I’m not the right person for you.
” I sigh and tip his head back, forcing him to look at me. “Are you crying?”
“No,” he sniffles. “I just don’t understand. The only one who should say whether you’re good for me, is me.”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, wiping his tears with my thumbs. “I shouldn’t have entertained this so long. I was being greedy and selfish because you’ve made me happier these past days than I’ve been in years.”
Fuck finding out if he’s the man I hooked up with. It doesn’t matter anymore, not when I’m inevitably breaking an innocent person’s heart. Even if it were him, what will I win by having confirmation?
It was an excuse since the beginning that allowed me to pursue my selfish heart’s desires.
He shakes his head and tightens his grip on my waist. “Tell me the truth then. If you want to reject me and break my heart then at least tell me the real reason.”
I’m terrified that if I let myself fall harder for him, I’ll end up losing him, too.
Everyone I’ve loved left me behind, and I know he will too when he sees the rotten roots clawing out of my flesh.
He hasn’t seen just how unsightly I am yet, and I can’t take the thought of him finding out what I’ve done.
A chain wraps around my heart and squeezes my flesh until I slump against him. “You want the truth?”
He nods, stroking the back of my head. “Please.”
“I’ll inevitably leave you. I know I’ll end up hurting you, over and over again. I’m fucked up, Sweetheart. There’s something wrong with my head that makes me chose pain over healing. It’s easier to destroy myself and hurt those I care about than seek help and get better.”
He cups my cheek and kisses my lips delicately, almost desperately. “Hurt me if you must. I’ve been through hell to get where I am now with you in my arms. Without you, I don’t see the point of living. So what if there’s something wrong with you? I don’t care, I love you. All of you.”
“I’m broken, Andrew! I can’t remember a time when I was still whole.
” I inhale his cologne and shut my eyes at the comforting scent.
“My entire life, I’ve been searching for a reason to be alive.
Something that makes my heart beat and pushes me to wake up every day.
But I don’t know how it feels to breathe without being in constant pain. ”
He gently detaches me from his neck and cups my jaw. “Is that why you hurt yourself?”
“I don’t remember why I did it. If that doesn’t show you how fucked up my mind is, I don’t know what will.
” I cover my face with my hands and bite my quivering lip.
“I hate myself, Andrew. Every day it’s the same.
I’m so tired of dragging my rotten flesh around and forcing myself to breathe when all I want is to let go.
How can I love you when I can’t even love myself? ”
He grabs my wrists and pulls my hands away from my face, his features faltering as he gazes at the tears flooding my cheeks. “Aoi, I’m not scared of pain. If you’re so sure you’ll hurt me because of your mental health issues, believe me when I say, I’ll take that over not having you in my life.”
“I’ll push you away constantly and spend weeks avoiding you,” I admit. “I don’t know how to be with someone. But when you touch me, when you show me that you love me I- I don’t want to rip my skin off. And I’m scared of what that means.”
“I’m pretty sure that means you like me, too,” he murmurs, smiling softly and wipes my tears away. “I’m patient and stubborn. Whatever it takes, I’ll be there. If your thoughts get too hard to stomach, I’ll be there to dissipate them. Lay it all on me, my love. I can take it.”
I want to be with him, to let him love me until my aching flesh blooms and the pain fades away. His touch and words ignite a fire in my heart that I’m sure will burn me down to ashes.
But maybe it won’t.
If there’s a chance I can overcome my fucked up brain’s tendency to seek misery, I want to trust that he’ll catch me if I stumble.
“Can you love me through the worst?” I ask, sniffling and gripping his hand like my life depends on it.
“If I hurt you and push you away out of self-doubt, will you fight for me? Do you promise to never leave me even if I run from you? You have to accept every part of me, even the repulsive ones. No picking and choosing which piece of me you want.”
Andrew smiles at me with so much liquid warmth that I feel like I’m being flooded in an endless ocean. The sea submerges me as the water sinks into my lungs and clogs them like cotton.
But this time it doesn’t hurt.
He turns the pain into comfort.
Fear into hope.
“If the world falls apart, I’ll catch you and hold you till the end of times, my Paradise.
” He places a tender kiss on my nose. “No matter what, I’ll always love you.
I’ll chase you until the edge of the world and beyond, even if you fight me and flee.
I will never let you go. I swear it.” His thumb traces the curve of my lips. “Every part of you is beautiful.”
I can’t guarantee that we’ll be fine. Not when I still crave the stinging of my flesh being torn apart but maybe I can learn to take a leap of faith.
“Don’t ever break that promise.”
“Never.”