Chapter 4
The tiles were cold under my bare feet, but the sweats and t-shirt were soft and warm. I was starting to hate the training room and all the doctors with their clipboards. It stirred trepidation and anxiety in me, but every time I tried to dig into my memories to find out why, there were only murky images at best. Most of the time it was a big blank spot that resulted in me nearly having another panic attack. So I’d stopped. The psychologist Angelica had brought in a day ago said that my memories would come back when they were ready and I just needed to be patient. He gave me some breathing exercises and recommended a prescription, which I started taking last night.
It was all going to be a long road, and I hated that. I was impatient on my best day and I just wanted my life back. But if all these tests were any indication, I was going to be stuck here in observation for a while.
Angelica explained what had been done to me at the lab, or at least what they could figure out. And when she’d said the name ‘Morrigan’, something in me twinged, a recognition, an awakening.
Now, hours later, I could feel it; a dark, quiet presence inside of me. Not insidious, not even frightening, just…strange. If I stopped for long enough and looked inside, I could almost see the shape of it around my power. I should be way more terrified than I was. I should be disgusted, that’s what I told myself.
But I wasn’t, not completely.
There was some of that, after all I didn’t choose this, it was forced on me. But there was also curiosity, I wanted to know this entity and I could sense that it didn’t mean me any harm.
So maybe we’re partners in this. What do ya say? Want to help me fix this?
Silence met the question and I felt stupid until a knowing filled my mind. Like I could hear someone talking to me inside my head, but not with words that I could pin down. This was something deeper, residing in the Well of my Power inside of me. Morrigan’s power was in agreement, and I was flooded with peace and the sense that I had an ally.
I smiled at myself and got ready for the latest test they’d set up for me. Unlike all the other times, I didn’t have small, inconsequential pieces of metal to raise up and float for a second. As a metal kinesis, I could manipulate virtually any metal; I could feel and detect it too. I’d never developed this skill past being able to control small objects no bigger than a plate because my father hadn’t wanted me to, he’d considered it ‘unfeminine’.
My dead father…how many other things have changed since I was taken?
It was strange to feel so little about the death of the man, but really he was my father in name only. He hardly ever showed the slightest hint of affection for me and never paid me much mind except how it might enhance a deal or his standing in the magical community. I was an asset at best, a nuisance most of the time. So to hear he’d died a few months before I’d been found was…odd.
I didn’t cry and that embarrassed me. I didn’t even ask how, and I know I should have. But all I felt was relief that I wouldn’t have to look at his fake tears during press conferences, or hear his fake gratitude at my rescue.
I took a deep breath and looked over at the small weapons rack. If my father hadn’t been keen on me manipulating large objects, he certainly never approved me using weapons. He’d been in the dark when Darius took me to the shooting range to teach me how to use a firearm, and knives had never entered the conversation. So I was more than a little surprised to see the weapons.
“I’ll explain everything later,” Angelica said urgently as she approached me, “but I need you to get very good at using your abilities quickly, understand?”
I frowned, hating that there were things she was leaving out. I glanced over at where Darius stood far off to the side and he gave me a subtle nod.
“I understand,” I whispered back.
“Now, across the room, hidden behind one of these walls, is a safe. I want you to find it and unlock it.”
I nodded and flinched as a blindfold was raised to my eyes.
“Would you prefer the room to go dark?”
“No,” I said quickly, my voice a little too panicked. “No, that’s…the blindfold is fine.”
Since I’d woken up, I hadn’t been able to sleep with the lights off. Darius never said a word about my need for a small lamp to remain on, but I wondered if it kept him up.
Angelica tied the thick blindfold around my eyes and while I got a tiny jolt of fear, I was able to breathe through it.
“Alright, now reach out and find the safe.”
I tried and realized that in addition to the weapons, the three walls I faced were reinforced with steel. Then there was the jewelry Angelica and one of the others wore. It was a lot, like a bunch of conflicting frequencies all fighting for attention in my head.
Sweat broke out on my palms and down my back as I tried to focus on just the walls.
“Easy,” Angelica said nearby, “just breathe and relax.”
“I’m trying,” I snapped.
I heard someone gasp and I realized too late why.
I’d levitated one of the knives and two others joined it. That dark presence in me was reveling in the weapons. It wanted me to carve my way through the walls, or the flesh…blood would be interesting…what would the blood say?
No…we need to—
“Fuck!”
“Watch out!”
The knives struck the walls, one in each. I didn’t need to take my blindfold off to know that, but I did because I needed to see the look on Angelica’s face. Was I too much of a threat? Was she going to send me away?
“Sorry,” I said. “The weapons were pulling my focus. I can do better.”
“It’s alright, no one was hurt,” Angelica said with a hesitant smile. “Let’s try again.”
The other agent in the room shot her an incredulous look but Angelica forced her smile bigger and waved the unspoken concern away.
I slipped the blindfold back into place and tried a different approach. Instead of reaching out to feel the metal, I went inward, to the Well of Power that lived inside of me.
It took longer than I wanted to calm and find it. It was different for every Witch, we all saw it differently and part of our training was to find out what ours looked like.
Mine was a beautiful gold and glass cauldron perched on a green hill, I felt the salty air hit my face from the ocean below, smelled the brine. I could feel the warmth of my power in the cauldron, and welcomed the tendrils that reached out for me.
Around the Well was a dark mass, beautiful in its own way but it didn’t belong and I knew I was looking at Morrigan’s powers that had been shoved inside of me. It writhed and sparked against my own power, trying to reach out to me as well. At first I couldn’t stop it, and I began to tremble.
“Easy,” Angelica said, “breathe, Nina.”
I did, chills raced down my back and my heart was beating too fast again.
I kept pushing it away, and it only made the darker power more aggressive. I finally decided to just try and let it come along with my own. Maybe I needed to grasp both in order to wield any?
But when I did that, I felt like I was being electrocuted while also being plunged into an icy cold lake. Pressure was building around me on all sides, I could feel it second by second.
“Nina, control…breathe,” Angelica said, her voice distant.
“I’m trying but…”
I started to let it go, trying to hold onto my power and release the Morrigan. But I accidentally discharged everything. That pressure released and it was like a vice disappeared around my body. I fell to my knees and sucked in harsh breaths as I tried desperately to steady myself.
I lowered the blindfold and, when I looked up, I saw chaos.
There weren’t just knives sticking out of the walls, but pieces of the light fixture, as well as jewelry, even a pen. I locked eyes with Angelica, and saw a slice across one of her cheeks. I felt sick.
“Oh my God!” I leaped to my feet and staggered over to her.
When I pressed my hand to the cut, her blood seeped into my skin and I was hit with a barrage of feelings and images. They were too fast to really process on their own; it was more like a collection of a lifetime of battles, and grief flooded my mind in seconds.
I stumbled back and stared at my hand where her blood was still wet. When I looked up at her she was staring at me with something I hadn’t seen on the director’s face before: fear.
Slowly, I moved away from her, legs shaking for a different reason now.
I’d seen all the battles of her life, the physical and inward ones. Every fight she had for her family, for her husband, for herself. Every time she’d lost or won. The sacrifices she’d had to make.
Why am I seeing this?
“Nina?” Rough hands captured my face, making me look up. “Nina, are you alright?”
Darius’ red eyes were filled with worry as he took me in, looking for injuries and…what? What was he expecting to see in my eyes as he stared at them with confusion and fear?
“I’m fine,” I said, pulling back from him. “I just…I can see…the blood…Oh my God, I’m gonna be sick.”
I ran to the nearby bathroom as the gut wrenching grief and pain slammed into me and I emptied my stomach in the toilet.
“What the fuck happened?” roared Darius in the training room.
“It’s just a small set back,” Angelica said.
“A set back? She could’ve killed you and then what?”
I wanted to tell him to back off, that it hadn’t been them. It was me. I did this and so much more. But I couldn’t quite find the words.
Darius swept into the bathroom and he swore when he saw me kneeling in front of the toilet. Without another word he pulled my hair back and rubbed my back, just like he used to when I was sick.
It was nice, familiar and soothing.
And it also was frustrating.
I didn’t want to need him, I didn’t want to be coddled, but I wanted to be taken care of. It was a confusing mess inside of me and I started to cry.
“It’s okay, we’ll figure this out. I’ll fix this,” he said as he continued to rub my back.
“I don’t want you to fix it,” I said a little too harshly. “I don’t want to be rescued anymore, Darius.”
There was a flash of something I couldn’t pin down because it was there and gone too fast. He pressed his lips together and gave me a short nod, and this I did know, very well.
It was Darius retreating. He did it mostly when he was angry and didn’t want to explode, but I wasn’t convinced that was the reason this time.
He helped me to my feet and I rinsed my mouth out while he went back into the room. I heard low voices but not what they were saying. When I stepped out of the bathroom my bones and muscles ached like I was sick, and I felt weak, tired.
“I think that’s enough for right now,” Angelica said, a sheen over the cut, which had stopped bleeding.
I nodded.
“I’m sorry.”
“No apologies necessary. You will figure this out. In the meantime, why don’t you get some rest? Darius, will you take her back to her room? I’ll be there in a few minutes.”
Without looking at anyone, I let Darius lead me back to the room, and slid under the weighted blanket. I gave a long, relieved breath the second it was around me. I could think like this, I was held down to the earth and it was safe, warm.
I felt guilty, curled up in bed, while others cleaned up the mess I’d made of the training room, but I knew I’d be useless. The longer I laid there, the more I felt how drained I was. It was honestly a miracle I’d been able to make it to the bed at all.
I must’ve drifted off because I opened my eyes and the room was darker. Angelica and Darius were there, whispering furiously in a corner. There was the scent of lavender in the room and the soothing monotony of a white noise machine. I knew that Darius had done that too, and instead of being annoyed that I was being babied, I felt cherished, beloved.
But…he doesn’t feel that way about me. He’s just being his protective self, this is just what he used to do, it doesn’t mean anything more.
I couldn’t deny that there had been an attraction for me from the first day I’d seen him. I had always known it was impossible. Darius would never cross that line with someone he was protecting, but that didn’t stop me from dreaming. We’d grown close before I was taken, that was true, but any time I thought I saw something, a hint or a crack in his exterior that could be attraction, Darius had pulled away.
I guess it was always one sided, even if I did hope…
When Darius glanced over at me, I shuttered those thoughts and feelings up tight. It would only complicate things if I let that out and that was the last thing either of us needed.
I started to sit up and he was there in a moment, pushing up the pillows and helping me.
“I can do it,” I said, gently pushing him away.
He hesitated and gave me a firm nod, but didn’t move too far.
“How are you feeling?” he asked me.
His tone and posture was business, but I swear there was a hint of something else, a glimpse of tenderness.
I’m imagining it.
“Embarrassed, afraid, sorry,” I said, glancing at Angelica, who was standing on the other side of the room wearing a tight frown.
The side of her face had a bandage and there was blood on the collar of her blouse.
“I’m not exactly sure, but I think I saw your past when I touched your blood. Your pain, the moments you fought and why.”
She shifted uncomfortably, jaw tensing.
“I saw you being a hero,” I continued. “For your family, for others. And I saw what it cost you.”
“That’s enough,” Angelica said, voice gruff.
“I didn’t do it on purpose,” I said, tears filling my eyes. “Please, you have to believe me.”
“I do. What I need to know isn’t what you saw, but why.”
“I don’t know.”
“Think,” she said, voice getting hard, “what were you doing when it happened, what did you think about, feel…”
“I’m not sure I can remember.”
“Try.”
“Angelica,” Darius’ voice was sharp.
“Pull up the memory,” she said as if he hadn’t spoke, “and tell me what happened.”
“I…I can’t think of anything besides your—”
“Forget me. Think about that moment.”
“That’s enough,” Darius growled.
“You touched my blood and then what happened?”
“I…I…”
My body was getting hot again, and I could feel the stickiness of her blood on my hand. Those images were coming back and I closed my eyes, determined to look past them and find what she was asking me for.
“You’re pushing her too hard, back off!” Darius shouted.
“Stop coddling her, Darius,” she shot back. “This is life or death and if she can’t answer my questions, then I will have no choice but to let the council interrogate her.”
I tried to block them out, let the emotions flood me and follow where they led inside of me. Darkness, power…
“Go on and try and you’ll—”
“Enough!” I yelled.
My voice was different, stronger, deeper. And right there, at the end of all those emotions I could sense Her, the goddess of battle, of heroes.
I could feel both of them snap their attention to me and I found what I was looking for.
“The Morrigan,” I said, opening my eyes. “It read your blood to see your past. It uncovered your heroism. I think…I think I’ll be able to see other peoples’ pasts like this. But not just any parts of their past, the times they fought, shed blood, or…just acts of heroism. I think I’ll be able to know it as if I’d lived it too.”
“You couldn’t before?” she asked.
“No, not even close. Though blood does have iron in it so maybe my innate abilities to manipulate metals gives me more of a…proclivity for this.”
“That would make sense. I’m going to suggest you avoid contact with blood for the foreseeable future.”
“That’s just fine with me.”
Darius glowered at her, but Angelica was as unaffected as if she’d just had a perfectly calm conversation. Why had she baited him? What was the purpose of that?
“That was not necessary,” he growled.
“No, what wasn’t necessary is you being so protective of her,” Angelica snapped. “You need to be alright with her being in some amount of danger if we’re going to do this.”
“Do what?” I asked, unease snaking its way up my spine.
“You’ll find out later,” Darius answered dismissively.
“No,” I said, sitting up straighter, “I’ll find out now. What’s going on?”
Angelica’s mouth tilted up in a tiny smile while Darius let out a sharp exhale, his glare getting hotter by the minute.
Angelica laid it out in succinct detail for me. The Archive council’s trepidation and division on what to do with me, the continued threat of the Protectors attempting to recapture me and finally, the Sinners.
Guilt shot through me knowing that I’d cost him his career.
“Darius,” I whispered, my heart squeezing as I saw the tense set to his entire body, “I’m so sorry.”
“No,” his voice was gruff as those red eyes snapped to mine and held me. “You have nothing to apologize for. There was no choice but this one. You understand me, Nina? I would choose you, every time.”
My breath caught on his words and for a second, we were the only ones in this room. Hell, in this whole world. The secrets he held so close behind those walls were revealing themselves, and I glimpsed something intense and all consuming.
And it didn’t frighten me.
If anything, I became hungry for it. That spark, that heat, that was for me, I could see that plain as day.
But as quickly as he revealed it, Darius shut it away and stood up straight, the perfect picture of a bodyguard once again.
“It was the right thing to do, that’s all,” his voice devoid of the passion it had only a moment ago.
There was a part of me that was disappointed that he wouldn’t just let me see what he was feeling. But another part of me became enamored of the sudden challenge.
My attempts to thaw him had always been light-hearted, friendly. I’d never had the guts to go deeper and try and seduce him. But what if I did? What if I could chip away at his defenses, force him to tell me once and for all if he wanted me, or if I was simply seeing what I wanted to.
There were other things that were more important, like making sure I didn’t die for one. But this felt just as important and vital. It made me feel alive; I could just be a girl again, instead of a mysterious experiment that people feared and wanted to control.
And I’d finally know, once and for all if he cared about me. At least I would have that at the end of this all.
I was about to suggest that we talk strategy for keeping me alive when the lights went out, and screaming echoed in the halls outside.