Chapter 6
My entire life could be boiled down to one word: Control.
If I kept it, then people didn’t get hurt.
If I lost it, then people did.
And tonight I’d lost it.
Both when I let myself kiss Nina, and when I nearly ripped that male’s head off for hurting her.
So many years of making sure neither my berserker side, nor the feelings I had for Nina, made an appearance, and tonight I’d both out of the gate. Worse than that, she’d seen my history in my blood. The dark corners of my past that I had learned to ignore, to only acknowledge when forced to. I saw the way she looked at me.
Gone was the glassy eyed, gasping beauty of her passion, and in its place was pity, grief.
I blamed her for it, to hide my own self-recrimination, which was also digging into my mind like a rusty nail as we pulled into the parking lot of a motel about an hour out of the city. It wasn’t a nice place, but that would serve us well since no one wouldn’t bat an eye at two people with blood on their clothes paying cash for a room. I needed to get this bullet out and regroup.
When I got out of the car, I winced as the pain in my shoulder radiated fire through my arm.
“We need to get the bullet out,” Nina said, her large green eyes filled with worry.
I tried to ignore the way my cock stirred at the sight of those perfect cupid bow lips turned down into a worried frown. I’d never be able to forget the taste of her, the way she’d trembled and mewed when I’d sucked on her bottom lip, how she’d opened so easily for my tongue as I took ownership of her.
Would her cunt open as easily for me? Would she beg and whine and cry as I fucked her slowly?
I shut down those thoughts as fast as they appeared and stepped back from her. Nina’s frown deepened, hurt and anger intermingled into something that insanely made me want to fuck her even more.
Those desires went with the rest of my feelings into that box in my mind where I kept all the things I couldn’t allow myself to feel or dream about. Before I’d known Nina, it was practically empty. But now, it was bursting at the seams with forbidden wants and desires. Things I could never have and wanted more desperately as each day passed.
At least I had work to keep my mind off some of that.
Sort of.
Keeping her alive and well wasn’t exactly the distraction it had once been.
I climbed out of the cramped car and the chill of the evening dried some of the remaining sweat on my skin. It was unpleasant and bracing, just what I needed to refocus on the task at hand.
“Come on, let’s get a room. Let me do the talking.”
“Yes, sir,” she said with oozing sarcasm.
I ground my teeth together and likely looked pissed, but really it was to hide how her bratty tone calling me ‘sir’ had roused dark things that I’d always wanted to do to her.
The person at the counter was bored, barely glancing at us when we walked up.
“Room on the end, ground floor,” I grunted.
“For the night or hourly?” His voice was reedy, thin.
“Night.”
“Seventy-five.”
I plopped down cash for the room and the guy grabbed it quickly, then threw a key down before going back to staring at his phone. I herded Nina out as I scanned the parking lot again.
There were no new cars, and one man was loitering outside a room in the middle smoking a joint. I didn’t make contact and neither did he. We walked past a room with the sound of people fucking and then the sound of a TV blaring a commercial for cars. Someone opened the door in the room next to ours and my heart tripped for a second until I saw it was just a man in dirty sweats and a vape pen stepping out. The whole place was seedy and sad, and perfect to hide us.
The room smelled of industrial cleaner, bleach and some kind of sweet vape filler. It was sickening and I hated it, but it was tolerable compared to the bigger problem of one bed. I hadn’t thought to check to see if there were two or not, and I silently cursed myself.
“I’ll take the floor tonight,” I said, flinging the bag on the scratched dresser. Nina did the same and shook her head.
“Not with that wound you won’t. I can take the floor, I’ve slept on worse the past year.”
That brought me up short and I swallowed back the guilt. Nina glanced up and must’ve seen it in my eyes because her expression became hard.
“Let me take a look at that,” she gestured to my shoulder.
I knew I couldn’t take out the bullet myself, I would need her help, so I took my sweatshirt and t-shirt off. My glamour had dropped the second the door closed, since the energy to keep it up while I was in pain was draining, so she saw all my tattoos, of which there were many. Each one covered a scar or commemorated someone that I’d lost. Her eyes traced the ones on my chest and she glanced up at me. Questions burned in those beautiful depths and I wanted her to ask them. Now that she’d seen everything, what was the point of hiding? But she didn’t. Maybe because she was uncomfortable or maybe because she couldn’t look at me quite the same anymore.
It was the latter that felt like a knife to the gut and I turned away. There were four pillows and I took the pillow cases off two of them, ripping them along the seams. We’d need something to staunch the bleeding.
Then I sat down on the edge of the bed.
“In that bag is a first aid kit,” I said. “I’ll talk you through it.”
She swallowed and for a second looked like she was going to be sick. Then she squared her shoulders, head high, and I couldn’t help but smile, just a little. Nina was the most incredible fucking woman I’d ever met. You’d think a trust fund socialite who had never had a job in her life would be vapid and self-involved, unable to handle anything difficult. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. She was always looking out for others, willing to try something new, be brave when it was necessary. I’d seen her scared, but never a coward.
“Would it hurt less if I used my abilities?” she asked, holding the small case of instruments.
“I don’t know.”
“Would you mind if I tried?”
I swallowed, remembering the raw power she’d displayed. I’d seen my share of heinous shit, but watching her completely tear apart enormous Orcs in seconds was haunting me more than anything I’d ever witnessed.
“I’ll be careful,” she said, a flush rising on her pale cheeks.
I gave her a short nod.
Nina closed her eyes and gold lines glowed up her arms. I hissed in pain as the bullet began to move in my shoulder. She was going slow, drawing it out, but it was still tearing through the muscles. When it was all the way out, Nina opened her eyes and grinned as she brought it to her hand.
“There, all better.”
I huffed out a chuckle, sweat trickling down my back. I couldn’t wait to activate the healing runes on my body.
“Not quite yet, but thank you. Now, I need you to look inside for debris in the wound. Pieces of fabric, metal, anything like that. So get the flashlight and…look inside.”
She leaned toward me, her small fingers prodding the wound. I grit my teeth at the pain and didn’t move. Usually I was a hell of a lot more stoic about this sort of thing. But then again, I’d never had Nina so close to my naked torso.
Every time her breath fanned against my skin, and her small fingers pushed against my body, all I could think of was that damn kiss. The taste of her mouth, the way her blunt little fingers had dug into me like she was holding on for dear life and never wanted to let go.
Gods help me, I never wanted her to. If I could’ve, I’d have stayed frozen in that moment on the sidewalk, with Nina York in my arms like she was always meant to be.
But reality always comes in to take shit away from me.
The truth of who I am, of what I could never have because there was a murderer lurking just under my skin. And now she knew it too. I’d never kiss those lush lips again, never hold that perfect peach of an ass in my hands.
And she would be safe because of that. It had to be enough.
I glanced down at her. Nina was paler than usual, and sweat dotted her forehead as she gingerly pulled a piece of fabric from the wound.
“You okay?” I asked.
“Me? I’m not the one with the hole in his body,” she started to laugh and ended up expelling a sharp breath and bent over. “Fuck, what I wouldn’t give for a stiff drink right now.”
“You and me both.”
She managed a laugh, and then went back to work. Three pieces of debris ended up in my hand by the time she’d cleared the wound.
Nina was pale, dark circles around her eyes and a smear of blood on her forehead, curls frizzed around her head. And I’d never seen her look more beautiful. I was having a hard time masking my feelings at the moment, so I was pretty sure she saw the adoration in my eyes, from the way her expression softened.
I looked down and gestured to the sutures sitting out on the dresser.
“Let’s get this done.”
“Yeah, of course.”
She took a deep breath and gave herself a nod before turning back, sutures in hand. I coached her through it, biting back every groan and sign of pain as she stitched up the bullet hole. When she was done, Nina bent over and braced her hands on her thighs, heaving deep breaths.
“I am not cut out for a career in the medical field,” she said when she was able to stand back up.
“I think you did pretty good,” I said and reached for the tube of antibiotic ointment.
She plucked it from my fingers and smeared a generous portion on the wound.
“I was seconds from hurling the entire time.”
Nina gently covered the whole thing in a large bandage and then began to clean up.
“I can get that if you want a shower,” I offered.
She was quiet, brow furrowed as her mind turned something over. I knew the signs. I used to love that look, and would wait in anticipation to hear what her brain had come up with. Now, there was an edge of nerves as I waited. Would she want to talk about the kiss? About the memories she’d pulled from my blood? Would she want to know why I’d kept my berserker a secret from her? Would she be scared of me now?
“Why didn’t you tell me?” she finally asked. “Why didn’t you say that you’d lost your family, that you…”
“That I killed them?” the words bitter on my tongue.
She gasped, lips parted, incredulous.
“You didn’t.”
“I did. You saw that memory.”
“What I saw was a scared little boy.”
“You’re trying to whitewash it, make it alright. I’ve tried that, but there’s no way around it. I killed them.”
She frowned as she studied me and I didn’t look away, as much as I wanted to. There was a time after I’d been her guard for several years, where Nina had worn me down, made me wish that I didn’t have a blood thirsty beast lurking beneath the surface. I’d started to pretend that I could be better, that I could be someone who was worthy of her trust and affection. But then she’d been taken, and I’d left a trail of bodies to find her.
I didn’t regret those lives taken, not when they’d helped me find her again. But I did regret leaving behind that glorious delusion that I could have a life that wasn’t haunted by the blood I’d shed.
And now those ghosts were revealed. Now they lived in her eyes when she looked at me.
“When I was a kid,” she said slowly, “I had a cousin that loved to come over and torment me. He was older and he’d always threaten to steal my stuff, dunk me in the pool and not let me up. He was mean, I could see it in his eyes that he wasn’t kidding.”
My hands tightened and suddenly I wanted to throttle a kid.
“One day,” she continued, putting things away, “he came over and cornered me in the kitchen. I was just getting breasts and he tried to grope me. I took a knife off the block, it was instinct really, and I sliced his hand, deeply. He had stitches and ended up with nerve damage.”
She grinned at the memory, and so did I.
“Now, am I a monster?”
I tilted my head and snorted.
“Not even close to the same thing.”
“I was defending myself against a bully, someone who was going to hurt me,” she turned and faced me, a serious, determined set to her mouth. “That man who broke into your house, who had your mother tied up, he was worse. And you, a frightened little boy reacted. It’s not your fault that you lost control.”
My throat tightened and I looked away. She had seen that much? What else had she seen? The thought made me a little sick and I tried hard to shove it back.
“You’re not going to believe me,” she said with a short laugh, as she went back to tidying up the room. “Okay, I guess it would be hard to overcome a lifetime of guilt in one conversation. But just know, I don’t blame you. I understand you a whole hell of a lot better now, and guess what, Darius?”
Her small hand ran up my bicep from behind and I closed my eyes to savor it.
“What?” I asked, my voice raw.
“I’m not afraid of you.”
The words hit me like pellets, pinging against the walls I’d built, demanding entrance and then rolling off. It was better this way, safer to keep her at arm’s length, even if something inside me was screaming that it was too late.
“You should shower,” I said, stepping away from her before I did something stupid.
She sighed and I heard her shuffling around the room, then the door to the bathroom slamming.
She’s angry. She’ll get over it.
I rummaged in the bug out bags and found the spare clothes I’d packed for us both. When you’re my size you can’t just roll up to the local Goodwill and expect to find new clothes. Getting organized, checking my weapons, the cash, setting out clothes and getting my bearings was an excellent way to distract myself from a naked Nina in the next room. She shut off the shower sooner than I thought she would and was shocked when she came barreling out of the bathroom, soaking wet, in a towel that barely covered her.
Before I could stop myself I looked down at the way the towel parted just under her hand holding it closed, a gorgeous slice of flesh, pale and soft peeking out, and leading down to a thatch of golden-red curls.
My eyes darted up, embarrassment burning my skin. And that’s when I saw the panic on her face.
“What’s wrong?”
“Something…I feel something. Cold anger…vengeance…it’s like when I touch blood but not…someone is coming,” she swallowed hard, throat working. “Maybe a relative? Maybe I can feel familial blood? Did anyone have a brother?”
And then my body went cold, my senses all heightened and every single thought of a very wet and naked Nina flew straight out of my head as instincts that had been ground into me over years took over.
“Get dressed, now, don’t towel off. We have to get out of here.”
She didn’t argue, and I turned around to give her privacy as I yanked on a new t-shirt and pants. I tore the bloody sweatshirt she’d been wearing out of her hands and gave her mine instead. The only pair of brothers I knew of in the Sinners were simply called the Twins.
Orcs that were more tatted than me and psychopaths through and through. It was said that they could track one another’s blood, their essences or some shit. I never understood or gave it much thought. The few times I’d met them I steered clear. In a room full of assassins, killers, and borderline evil males, those two were the scariest things I’d ever laid eyes on. Everyone gave them a wide berth, so if she killed one of the Twins and the other one was after us…
I grabbed her arm and dragged her out to the car. There was a hint of something on the air, I’d smelled it before, like rotten meat that someone had tried to cover up in a whole bottle of peppermint oil. It made me gag and I knew we were out of time.
I’d just started the engine when the back window was blown out by a shotgun blast. Nina screamed and while panic was rising hot and thick in my blood, my mind went into combat mode.
Strangely calm, instinctual and strategic at the same time.
I peeled out, as another blast took out the back of the car next to us, and ripped the steering wheel around to get out of the parking lot.
“Get on the floor, all the way,” I said, my voice all business, cold.
“I can help you.”
I shoved her down and she squealed as another bullet took out the back passenger side window.
“Floor. Now.”
She did it this time without argument as I tore down the street and took a right turn at a high speed. A large SUV was behind us and I knew that when they caught up, that would be it, they’d smash us against other cars or force us off the road.
“Changed of plans, take the wheel.”
She jumped up and took a hold of it.
“Keep it steady.”
“Okay,” her voice shook.
I leaned out of my window and fired back at the SUV, trying to shoot out the tires but no luck. Our car veered and righted itself, but the sudden movement made me hit my head.
“Sorry!” Nina said. “I’m not used to driving like this.”
I needed to line up a better shot and I couldn’t do it with her driving. We were also nearing a busy intersection which meant a high probability of civilian casualties.
I ducked back in and took the wheel just as more bullets pinged the car. I pulled Nina’s head into my lap, not even able to enjoy the fact. She clung to my legs, trembling and it pissed me off.
I hammered down the accelerator and narrowly missed hitting a car as I changed lanes. Then back again, trying to lose them but to no avail. The Twins were usually far more careful than this but he was obviously very angry; he leaned out of the SUV, glamour off, clearly showing his green skin and red eyes. This time, his bullets mostly hit the civilian car behind us and they veered sideways. The SUV barely missed them but the car behind the SUV wasn’t so lucky.
There was nothing I could do but try and lose him and hope that he didn’t take it out on every other car around me.
The intersection was right in front of us now and the lights were about to change. I pressed the pedal all the way down and prayed to the gods I didn’t even believe in anymore.
“Get your seat belt on!”
Nina scrambled back into her seat and shoved the buckle in with a scream as we zoomed through the solid red light.
Cars had started to come from the opposite directions and somehow we managed to get through before them.
The SUV kept going and collided solidly with not one, but three of the cars, pushing one into another until there was a solid pile up.
Even though we were probably safe, and at risk of getting pulled over, I kept the gas down until we reached the next intersection, and even then I only slowed enough to make the right turn. I had no idea where the fuck we were going, but I drove and drove until the abundance of sad little strip malls disappeared and there was nothing but dark store fronts and oddly packed together houses along dim streets.
“Do you still feel him?” I asked.
“No,” she whispered.
I glanced over at her for the first time, now that I was sure we were relatively safe. Her eyes were red rimmed and her cheeks had deep splotches of color. There were scratches on her face and her hair had dried into a tangle of curls tossed around by the wind through the blown out windows.
I found a dark street with a line of cars and parked in front of a hydrant. Somewhere down the street, a dog barked, but that was the only sound as I shut the engine off.
“Where are we?” she asked.
I reached over and hooked my huge finger under her chin and turned her face to me.
“Are you hurt?”
My eyes raked over her, taking in every single cut from the glass, every tear track. I’d make them pay for each and every moment of fear, each and every glimmer of pain.
“I-I don’t think so,” she whispered, more tears falling from her eyes. “I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m crying now. I-I just…I c-can’t stop.”
And now she was sobbing into her hands, shoulders shaking as she tried desperately to calm herself.
All the times she’d ever been in danger with me, I’d never seen her break down. Of course, there hadn’t been a psychopath after her either. I wanted to pull her close and hold her, kiss away the fear. But where that would lead would be bad, especially since we weren’t in a safe place yet.
So the most I let myself indulge in was wiping her tears with the knuckle of my index finger. She shocked me by grabbing my hand and nuzzling it, holding onto it with her smaller hand like I was a life raft. And maybe for her I was, maybe I’d always been. The thought made pride swell in my chest, a primal reaction that was closer to the surface for me than most Orcs because of my berserker. There was large part of me that most would categorize as more ‘cave man’ than modern, and I had always been ashamed of it. But what if that was what made a good protector? What if that was what made Nina feel safe?
For the first time in my life, I had a pin prick of satisfaction about this part of me.
“We should find a place to rest,” I said, my voice coming out rough.
She nodded and let me go.
“Are you cold?”
“A little,” she said, giving me a watery smile. “But nothing we can do with the windows shot out.”
I frowned and looked around the street, finding an older car not too far ahead.
“Hold on.”
I opened one of the sling bags and took out the Slim Jim. Most modern cars were a pain in the ass to unlock with one of these, but the mid-90s sedan would be a piece of cake. I prayed it didn’t have a car alarm and grinned when the door unlocked and all was still quiet. Next was hot wiring, which was nothing. When it started, I pulled over to Nina and hopped out.
“You’re just going to steal it? Won’t that put a target on us?”
“Not if I switch the plates. Get in, this will just take a minute.”
She grabbed the bags while I switched out the plates and five minutes later, we were on our way. I pulled off the dark street and got my bearings, heading toward a different motel that I had never used but had seen plenty of times.
It was about as dingy and depressing as the last one, but I managed to remember to ask for two beds this time. When we got into the room, Nina was dead on her feet. After making sure the glass was out of her hair and brushing her teeth, she fell into one of the beds and was out.
I wished I could fall asleep like that, but I kept watch instead. The Twin was out there somewhere; that accident slowed him down but he was one of the Sinners who had a reputation for never, ever letting a mark go. He’d keep coming until either we were dead or he was. And I was determined to make it the latter.
I called Trey on the burner phone and let him know where we were.
“That’s quite a ways out of the city,” he commented.
“Yeah well, there were…complications.”
I gave him a quick rundown of the Twins and he sighed heavily.
“Yeah, complication is a good word for it. Alright, Angelica and I will be there around seven tomorrow morning.”
“Copy that.”
I was about to dispose of the phone when Nina’s snore brought my attention back to her as she slept, blissfully detached from the world around her. She looked so small, so young like this, and here I was, grizzled, old and used up inside. What the hell did I have to offer her? She had her whole life ahead of her, as soon as we got the Morrigan out that is. She might have a crush on me, maybe it’s a little more, but it wasn’t love. It couldn’t be.
Just keep telling yourself that.
I snorted and shook my head.
“Delusional old man,” I whispered to myself.
Because at the end of the day, I wanted it to be something other than a girlish fantasy. More than anything in my life, I wished I could have a future with her.