Chapter 14 Saint
Saint
Morning light filters through the cabin windows, painting everything in shades of gold and amber.
Calder’s already awake, standing by the stove making coffee.
He’s been different since Kade’s visit yesterday.
More tense. Watching me like I might bolt again even though we both know I learned that lesson in the snow.
“Get dressed,” he says without turning around. “We have somewhere to be.”
I sit up in bed, pulling the blanket around myself. How long has he been awake? Now that I think about it, he is usually up before me. “Where?”
“You’ll see.”
Twenty minutes later, I’m following him down a path, winding through pine trees and over rocky terrain. The air is crisp, carrying the scent of earth and pine sap. Birds call to each other overhead.
Then I see the horse, and my stomach drops. “Where did that come from?
“I brought Storm up from the main house while you were sleeping. Don’t worry, he’s not staying, but we’re going to take a little ride.”
“No,” I say, stopping dead in my tracks.
Calder keeps walking. “Yes.”
“I don’t ride.”
“You’re going to learn.” He tugs the reins off a hitching post built into the forest’s edge.
“Storm will take care of you, as a beginner, because he takes care of me. I’ll be riding with you.”
“I’m not a beginner. I’m a non-rider.” My voice comes out sharper than intended, edged with the panic rising in my throat. “Last time I rode a horse, I fell. I don’t—I can’t—”
“You were seventeen,” he interrupts.
“Great, then you understand why I’m not doing this.”
“Not exactly. I understand why you’re scared.” He leads Storm toward me.
The horse follows obediently, hooves thudding softly on the packed earth. “Avoiding something or not doing it doesn’t make it go away.”
“I don’t want it to go away. I have no issues going through the rest of my life without riding a horse.”
“Come on, Saint. I know you think being afraid of something protects you from it, but it doesn’t. To never face your fears simply because they scare you makes you weak.” He stops a few feet away.
Weak? It feels like he’s slapped me. “I’m not weak.”
“Are you sure?” He grins, and I know he’s goading me. “Prove it.” He gestures to the horse. “Come here. Let him smell you.”
Instinct tells me to stay where I am or, better yet, to turn around and walk back to the cabin. I don’t. I can’t. Not when it feels like he’s challenging me. Gritting my teeth, I swallow my fear and approach the horse slowly, trying to hide the trembling in my hands.
Once I’m closer, Storm’s nostrils flare as he takes in my scent. One wrong move and I’ll find myself on the ground again or, worse, with another broken limb.
“Hold out your hand,” he instructs. “Palm flat.”
I do as he says, hesitating slightly. Storm exhales, giving his head a slight shake, and I jump back, startled by the movement.
Calder chuckles softly, and I shoot him a glare. “Relax, Saint. Horses do that when they’re relaxed. He’s excited to meet you.”
At least one of us is relaxed.
I try again, and this time, he extends his neck, his velvet nose brushing my palm. The touch is surprisingly soft and warm.
“Hi, Storm,” I whisper in greeting without really realizing it.
He snuffles gently, then pulls back, apparently satisfied with his inspection.
“See, I told you. He likes you.” Calder’s warm breath fans against my ear, and I whip around to find him standing beside me.
“You’re just saying that,” I murmur, trying to ignore the proximity of his body to mine, and the warmth radiating off him.
“No, I’m not. Just trust me, okay?”
“Trust you?” I huff.
“I know it seems ridiculous, but we’re married now, and you’re entering a new world. You need my guidance and support. So yes, trust me.”
As infuriating as it is, I know he’s right. If I’m going to survive this, then I’ll have to put my trust in the man who put me in this situation to begin with.
“Fine,” I begrudgingly agree.
Calder smirks as if he’s won some competition. “Touch him, pet him. He won’t bite.”
Lifting a shaking hand to Storm’s neck, I gently stroke his coat. The horse doesn’t move, thankfully. He just stands there patiently waiting while I explore.
“Good girl,” Calder murmurs. “You’re doing a wonderful job.”
The effect his praise has on me is something I don’t want to examine just yet. With a calming breath, I steady my hand.
“Funny enough, horses used to be my favorite animal,” I admit, smiling at the reminder.
“I’d beg my mom to take me to see them every Sunday after church.
We’d pet them, and sometimes she’d let me ride them while she held the lead rope.
” The memory of those moments with her feels so fresh in my mind.
Calder moves to Storm’s other side and checks his hooves with quick efficiency, then circles back around.
“I want you to feel that way again,” he whispers against my hair.
I hate the warmth that fills my chest when we talk about things, when I see the side of him that’s human and all man. Because it makes seeing him as the monster, the villain in all of this, that much harder.
“I don’t know if that’s ever going to happen.”
“For me, living means taking risks sometimes, doing the things that make your heart race, the things you’ll regret if you don’t. Like kissing someone when you shouldn’t.”
“I never should’ve done that.” I shake my head, heat rising in my cheeks
“There’s no takebacks in life, sweetheart. Can’t undo what’s already done. You fall off the horse, you climb back on. Keep pushing forward, taking risks, and doing things you know you’ll regret not doing.”
“You know you’re pretty insightful when you aren’t kidnapping people and threatening their lives.”
He gives me a half smile and shrugs. “I do what I can. Now, are you ready to get on?”
I wrinkle my nose at him. “Absolutely not.”
“Sorry, that wasn’t a question.”
Before I can protest, his hands are circling my waist. Lifting me like I weigh nothing at all, he deposits me on Storm’s saddle.
I start to hyperventilate as my brain catches up with what is happening.
Oh no. This is not happening again. A terrified screech leaves my throat, and I grip onto Storm’s mane, searching for the reins.
“Relax, Saint. I have you. I’m right here. Trust me.” Calder’s soothing voice penetrates the foggy fear clouding my mind, and after a couple of calming breaths, I start to relax. Then he swings himself up onto the horse behind me, sliding me forward, nestling me back into the opening of his thighs.
He isn’t lying. He really does have me.
Even with that knowledge, it seems impossible to face this fear. “I know you want me to do this, but I can’t,” I whisper.
“What do you mean you can’t? You already are.”
I am? My heart hammers against my rib cage, threatening to break free. No, I’m not riding the horse, but I’m sitting on it, which is halfway to riding. It’s a terrible idea to look down, but I do it anyway. I guess I’m a glutton for punishment.
Panic grips me once again. The fall, the pain. It replays in the back of my mind.
“Nope. It’s not happening.” I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to push the memories away.
It doesn’t seem to help, and if anything terrifies me more, it’s forcing me to grip onto Storm’s sides like I’m a spider monkey.
“Open your eyes,” Calder orders, but I shake my head and tighten my grip.
“Saint.” The way he says my name, so smooth and soft, is a beacon of light slicing through complete darkness.
Going against my instincts, I slowly open my eyes and peek at him, making sure I don’t look at the ground.
Calder greets me with a soft smile, his blue eyes bright and alert. “There you are.”
“Help me down. Please.”
“I can’t do that. You’re strong, stronger than you give yourself credit for, and I want you to see that.
See the beauty in it, see yourself the way I see you.
” His hands slide from my waist and down to my thighs.
Fear mixes with desire, making it hard for me to focus solely on being afraid.
He adjusts my position, and though his touch is clinical, my body responds to him, a traitorous heat filling my belly.
“Heels down. Back straight. Relax your grip.”
“Calder, no. I’m going to fall.” The air shudders out of my lungs, and I go back to hugging Storm like I’m about to be thrown off. Is he really going to send me on my way? I swear the second I get off this horse, I’m killing him.
“Remember how I told you to trust me? This is part of building that trust up. Trust that I’m not going to let you fall.” He’s settled behind me and curls the reins in his fist.
“We’re just going to walk. You don’t have to do anything but sit here and get used to riding on a horse.”
I swallow around the knot in my throat and press my lips together to keep from saying anything. This is making me see Calder differently, in a way that reminds me of the man I caught only rare glimpses of. The glimpses of him that drew me in to begin with.
Thankfully, he doesn’t say anything and starts walking us forward. Storm’s gait is smooth and even. Each step rocks me gently, a rhythm I didn’t expect.
After a few minutes, my death grip on Storm’s mane loosens slightly, and I find myself sitting up a little straighter.
Calder catches sight of the movement and rubs my thigh gently. “See, not so bad, huh?”
I don’t answer. Can’t answer. Because he’s right. It’s not bad. Terrifying, yes. But there’s something else too, something like exhilaration mixing with the fear. We circle a nearby clearing once, twice, three times.
By the fourth lap, I’ve released his mane entirely, my hands now rest on my thighs, the leather rein in Calder’s grasp higher up on my hip.
Stopping, he shifts to look at my face. “Fear and instinct are one and the same. Heart racing, breath caught in your chest. One keeps you alive, and the other makes you feel alive.”
“I guess I never thought of it that way.”
“How do you feel now that it’s over?”