Chapter 26
Liam
The words come out angry and passionate before I can stop them.
Before I can even think about them. They hang between us for a long moment as my brain catches up with the pace of my mouth.
When it finally gets there, I stumble back until my legs hit the chair again, but this time I fall into it in a daze.
What the fuck did I just say?
I’m so fucking in love with her?
In love. With Jordan.
I…I don’t even know what love is. I don’t know anything about it.
I don’t know what it’s supposed to feel like.
A month ago I’d never even been on a date.
Three weeks ago I’d never been in a relationship.
And I don’t think you can count a two week stint as a real relationship, so I don’t think I’ve truly been in one.
There’s no way I can be in love with her.
Right?
“No,” I mumble to myself. “I can’t be…”
“Why?” Nate counters from across the desk.
It startles me, and I glance over with a shake of my head. “What?”
“Why can’t you be?” he repeats with a look that says he knows exactly where my thoughts have gone. “Why can’t you be in love with her?”
“Be—because—I’m Liam. I don’t do…relationships. Or feelings. And love!” I huff with a laugh. “We both know I definitely don’t do love.”
Nate slowly sinks back into his chair across from me, but his attention doesn’t falter. “Why not?”
“What?”
“Why don’t you do love?”
I give him an awkward half-laugh, and glance towards one of the filing cabinets lining his walls. “C’mon man, I just don’t—is that a broom?” I ask, taking note of a broken handle leaning up against the cabinet.
My eyes fall to the floor beside Nate’s desk where bucket upon bucket sits, full of cleaning products and rags. Glancing behind me, I realize there’s a few brooms and a couple mops stashed in the corner of his office. This is why the supply closet was empty. Everything is in here.
“You set me up.”
I turn back to him, and a triumphant grin is spreading across his face despite his best effort to school his features. With a non-committal shrug, he leans forward with his forearms on the desk.
“Don’t change the subject. Why don’t you do love?
You just don’t isn’t a reason, it’s a cop-out.
” Nate picks up his pen again, but it has nothing to do with going back to work on his report as he twirls it between his fingers.
“C’mon man. You’re my best friend and I don’t know the answer to this. But I want to.”
I rub the back of my head, looking towards the broken broom handle.
Nate and I don’t talk about this shit. He learned a long time ago not to ask, but a lot has changed since the last time he did.
A lot has changed in the past month. I’ve changed.
I’m not the same guy I was before Vegas, and thinking back to who he was, I’m not sure I’d want to go back.
“Jordan already tell you?” I ask, buying myself more time to answer the question.
Nate shakes his head. “Nah. It’s not her story to tell, and she knows that. But she made sure I knew that I’m a shit friend for not knowing.”
I chuckle. Sounds like Jordan. “It’s not your fault you don’t know, dude.”
“I know, but she’s got a point. Maybe I should have pushed a little more.”
Shaking my head, I release a sigh and sit back in the chair. “I don’t think it would have made any difference. I wasn’t ready to talk about it.”
I can’t say that I’m not ready to talk about it now, though.
I’ve already talked about it. Not with Nate, but with Jordan.
And I can honestly say that letting her in and showing her a small piece of the pain I’ve felt since my mom left has allowed me to breathe a little deeper.
Ache a little less. I thought that it was just her and her presence, but now I wonder if it wasn’t more than that.
If finally sharing that burden with someone else didn’t heal some part of me that I refused to look at for twenty-plus years.
Nate sits patiently in silence while I work it out in my head. The great debate of whether to share or not, but ultimately, I think I do want to share with him.
“You know how it’s just my dad and me?”
He nods.
“I’ve always left it to interpretation about what happened to my mom.”
It’s funny, no one has ever really asked, and if they do I usually leave it at a shrug and let it hang. I’m sure some of my friends figure she’s dead. And for all I know, she is.
“She left my dad and me when I was seven. One day she didn’t pick me up from school, and my life as I knew it was completely different.”
I blow out a breath, and watch as my leg bounces up and down in my uncomfortable state.
It was nearly impossible to tell Jordan this story, but Nate seems easier after doing it once.
Still, I don’t like rehashing it. I don’t like thinking about it.
It makes me feel unworthy and small, and I’ve come a long way from those feelings.
The feelings are always there, you’ve just learned how to run from them.
Ugh.
Maybe… maybe it’s time to stop running. Maybe it’s time to start facing. Maybe it’s time to start fighting.
Taking a deep breath, I recount the story for Nate, including the last night I saw my mom.
I explain the state my dad has been in since the day she left, and how I promised myself I would never put myself in that situation.
I would never let someone have my heart and put me in a position that it could be broken.
“Christ, man.” Nate heaves a sigh, tapping his pen on the desk. “You made that decision as a kid? Fuck, I always thought it had to be something that happened when you were in high school, or right before I met you.”
I shake my head. “Nah, dude. This goes back a lot further. I’ve always meant it when I said I don’t do relationships or dating. Until Jordan, anyway.”
“I’m gathering you two were doing more than just fucking around?” Nate asks, an eyebrow raising.
“I’m not going to sit here and tell you it didn’t start like that,” I tell him honestly. I give the back of my neck a rub as I think about it though. “Actually, I don’t know if it was ever just fucking around. Jor and I… I mean, we’ve been getting close since she and that douchebag broke up.”
Nate nods. “Yeah, I’ve noticed. But I thought it was just you supporting her through it. I didn’t realize there was more going on.”
“Neither did I. And then the first night in Vegas, she was upset because she’d just found out about his engagement.
I figured keeping an eye on her was a good idea because the drinks were going down pretty quickly to begin with, and you didn’t need to be babysitting.
” I give my face a scrub with one hand then lean forward and put my elbows on my knees.
“I could hear your fucking voice in my head reminding me to keep my hands off your sister, but fuck man, despite knowing I shouldn’t…” I shrug a bit and bow my head, looking down at the floor so I don’t need to see the disapproval in his eyes.
“So why did you?” he asks. Despite thinking he would be angry hearing the revelation, his tone contradicts that, and I raise my eyes to meet his, a furrow in my brow.
He must see the confusion because he clarifies.
“If you knew you shouldn’t, why did you?
After all these years, and after all this time, what made you do it? ”
I think back to that night. The night at the top of Paris and the way she looked, the nerves that swam in my gut, and the excitement that lit me from the inside out.
She had me completely consumed by her. I couldn’t take my eyes off her.
Before I even kissed her, I was intoxicated by every part of her.
Jordan isn’t just beautiful, she’s smart, funny, and kind.
She’s compassionate and willing to be there for any one of her friends when they need it.
I know she did a lot of sharing in the last few months, and says I didn’t share a lot with her, but even before we were together physically, I shared more with her than I’ve shared with just about anyone on this planet.
“She made me feel seen. Worthy.” I let out a surprised laugh at the revelation. “Deep down I think I’ve known for a long time that she’s perfect for me, and while I’ve been slow as fuck on the emotional front, the rest of me knew.”
Nate smiles at me, sitting back in his chair. “So what are you going to do about it?”
I frown. “What can I do about it? I fucked it up, dude. She probably hates me. Besides, I’m not good at this shit. Even if I do something about it, I’ll just fuck it up again. I don’t want to cause her any more damage than I already have.”
“Christ, Liam. Seriously? That’s your attitude?
” The smile is gone as he tosses his pen down to the desk in exasperation.
“You realize how many times I fuck up with Savanna? How many times we’ve each fucked up?
Relationships aren’t perfect and they’re not about being perfect.
They’re about doing your best, and when you do fuck up, you own up to it, and you learn from it.
You work through shit together. You don’t give up and throw in the towel just because things get hard. ”
My head tilts as I let his words settle and digest. They make me think about my mom which makes my stomach churn in a way I highly dislike. “You don’t just become a coward who runs away.”
“Exactly.”
Sucking in a heavy breath, I fall against the back of the chair with a grunt of frustration at myself. Have I become my mother? Were things hard for her and that’s why she left? Rather than standing up and facing whatever was hard for her, did she choose to run away? Fuck. That’s what I did.
“You aren’t your mother, Liam,” Nate says, reading my thoughts. “And Jordan isn’t either. Who knows why she left, but this isn’t that. The two of you aren’t your parents.”
“I fucked up, dude.”
“So? So did I. Make it right.”
“You don’t think it’s too late?”
Nate laughs and shakes his head. “I definitely don’t. I mean, you might need to give her a stellar speech and an incredible apology, but I’d make a healthy bet that she’ll forgive you.”
Hope is spreading through my chest and I’m sitting up a little straighter. Nate seems on board with this which is in complete contrast to his initial reaction. Which deflates my hope as I realize this is all for naught.
“She deserves more than me. I’m just the Santa Rosé man-whore.”
“I was out of line, and I’m sorry,” Nate apologizes with a shake of his head. “That might have been true before, but it doesn’t need to be true in the future. You said it yourself, man, she makes you feel worthy. And if that’s how you feel, that’s what you are.”
When I don’t look convinced, he runs a hand through his hair and sighs. “Look, I know I came at you guys hard. Seeing you and her together was the last thing I expected, and it took me back to a time that…”
“Jor told me what happened,” I offer when he trails off and doesn’t finish the sentence.
Nate doesn’t look that surprised, giving a short nod.
“It’s kind of like you, man. I made her promise me not to get involved with a friend, and told all my friends not to go after her because I couldn’t go through that shit again.
I couldn’t lose another friend. Even though I’m damn glad I lost that asshole that day. ”
“Fuck, me too.”
“You deserve her, Liam. If anyone deserves her, it’s you.
We’ve been through thick and thin over the last ten years.
I know who you are, and if you’re the one that she wants, and she’s what you want, then I’m nothing but thrilled over it.
” He puts a hand up before I can protest what he just said and adds, “Even if I didn’t seem like it at first. You’re my brother, man.
I can’t think of anyone better for her.”
“Not even Brody?” I ask with a smirk.
Nate laughs with a shake of his head. “Definitely not Brody.” There’s a pause between us for a moment before he asks, “You want her?”
There’s not an ounce of hesitation in me when I respond, “There’s nothing I’ve ever wanted more in my life.”
“Then go get her.”
My eyebrows shoot up when he gets to his feet. “What? You mean right now?”
“You going to be able to wait until tomorrow when you’re off shift?”
That’s a good fucking point. There’s no way I’m going to be able to wait. If he’s giving his blessing, and he’s certain that she’ll take me back, then I’ll go crazy having to wait any longer than absolutely necessary.
“Hell no,” I say, springing to my feet.
“Didn’t think so,” he chuckles.
When I pull open the door to his office, movement out of the corner of my eye catches my attention, and I glance down the hallway to find every one of my friends standing there expectantly. Nate’s hot on my heels out of the office, and when they see us coming out, they stand a little straighter.
I glance at Nate. “You really did set me the fuck up, didn’t you?”
He just laughs, slapping me on the shoulder. “Had to make you fight for what we all already saw.”
Before I can respond, Quinn’s sing-songing next to me. “He’s in love with the girl!”
And rather than deny it, I find myself grinning from ear to ear, feeling lighter than I’ve felt in over a week. It’s like life went from dark and gloomy to sunshine and rainbows in the span of being in Nate’s office.
“Yeah,” I throw an arm over Quinn’s shoulders as we all head towards the engine bay. “Yeah, I fucking am.”
Before we can jump in the truck, the tones go off, indicating a call, and I sigh as we all listen for the information to come across.
Luke claps a hand onto my shoulder, giving it a friendly shake. “Love will need to wait an extra hour or so, Pookie. A grand ole med-call is calling your name.”
With a roll of my eyes, I pull the door open to the back of the truck. “Great. My absolute favorite kind.”