Chapter 11
Blair
“Father, I must confess.” My lips parted, dispelling a deep sigh. The heavy burden crushed my chest as if they were boulders on it.
I hitched the skirt of my A-line black lace dress a bit and knelt in the confessional booth, bringing my hands together seeking repentance.
The white veil was sitting on my crown as I moved it away from my face.
My gaze lingered on Father Andrea, watching him behind the screen. The edges of his face were blurred, nearly indistinguishable from any other common man, as white candles burned from the candelabras as the smoke of incense lingered in the darkly lit room of the church.
“Alright, then let’s begin. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.” He made a sign of the cross as I followed his movements. "May God, who has enlightened every heart, help you to know your sins and trust in his mercy.”
“Amen.” I finished, kissing my hand.
His voice was deeply pensive as he asked, “So what brings you here, sister?”
My thumb ran over the other, trying to be as respectful as I could while being truthful. “I’ve been having some forbidden thoughts.”
“What kind of forbidden thoughts?”
Instantly, my skin felt flushed and burning with embarrassment.
How could my tongue confess such perverted, lustful things?
If it were any other man, there would be no objection.
However, to a man like Father Andrea, who was a virtuous, pious man, it felt disrespectful.
“Sister? I asked, “What type of thoughts?”
I pushed down the heavy tie in my throat. “Physical ones like that between a man and woman.”
“Ah.” His lips parted mystified as he drawled. “Lustful. Perverse. One that makes the skin excited, whether in fear or ecstasy.”
My skin drew in tight discomfort as I faced reality. One I’d been depriving myself from, the thoughts I’d restrained, and the control I’d faced.
“And why have you been having such thoughts sister?”
I stuttered. “W-well…”
“Who’s been tempting you?” His tone was an edge darker, more ardent.
“There’s no one, Father.”
His normal kind brown eyes were a deep ocean blue that bled into my soul.
“Don’t lie, child. We’re in confession. Reveal your deepest dark desires, or else you’ll sin even more.
” The words rolled off his tongue, nearly sensual, sending a rush of endorphins to my blood.
The interaction, or rather his reaction, was odd.
He was a man of faith, sworn to a vow of abstinence, so why would he speak with such vigor instead of talking me astray?
It doesn’t make sense.
My thighs rubbed against one another subconsciously. “Father, it’s best I don’t say.”
“Why not? Am I making you uncomfortable?” He rasped, his finger tracing the screen that divided us.
“It’s not exactly that, but such thoughts are personal.”
He chuckled lowly and sweetly. “There’s no need to be embarrassed. After all, if the Father knows, how bad can it be?”
Thinking about the chained-up, sharp-tongued Russian I had in my bedroom whose every comment and look tested me— between being at the Pearly Gates of Heaven and the Devil’s Lair, I was fairly six feet knee-deep in burning, lusty Purgatory.
“Pretty bad.”
“Blair, you’re avoiding it. The longer you hide, the more it festers. Eating at you and your soul until it consumes you whole.”
“I swear it’s not my intention. It’s just so hard to say this… especially in front of someone like you.” I swallowed harshly, fluttering my lashes. “A godly man. It’s shameful to say this.”
“Yet, I’m still a man nonetheless, Blair,” he revealed.
“What do you mean, Father?”
“A man is still a man, no matter who he worships.” A rough, nearly Russian accent overlapped his voice. His words somehow remind me of the man that had me in this problem in the first place— Konstantin. Robbing me of any logical thought.
“I—”
“Look, shall we do an exercise?”
“Exercise?” I repeated, thinking, what in the hell would that be useful for?
He nodded, the edge of his lips lifted upwards. “Something to help make this progress easier if you want. If not, we can resume this conversation another day.”
“No, I’ll do it.”
“Are you certain? There’s no rush.”
Quite the opposite, this had to be solved now; if not, I’d make a mistake I can’t undo.
“Alright, close your eyes.” he calmly commanded.
This appeared to be insane, but hesitantly, I did so anyway.
“Now, take a deep breath. Ease your nerves.”
Like in practice, I breathed in through my nose and out through my mouth.
“Good girl,” he purred, making my pulse skyrocket.
Dammit, that pet name made my hormones go crazy. It was highly forbidden to even think about it.
“Father please—”
“Don’t worry, my sweet girl, you’ll get the prize if you behave.”
His prohibited words sent an eager coldness down my spine.
Sweet girl? Just who was he talking to?
Maybe I’m just overthinking this.
Betraying my womanly instinct, I stayed focused, feeling my chest rise and fall with each breath.
“Breathe until every nerve in your body feels relaxed.”
Focusing was the hardest part when I had the thoughts rambling in my head and my heart was conflicted.
“Now,” a prolonged pause sat as he then instructed, “Touch yourself.”
My bones tensed, and I felt a disturbing shifting beneath my skin as my eyes popped open. “What?”
He slammed his fist down onto the armrest; his voice resounded fiercely against the soulless echo chamber of glass. “Did I say you could open your eyes, sister?”
Suddenly, I jumped in my seat, shrinking into myself as the words stuck in my throat.
“Sister?”
What had gotten into him? This behavior was not only unacceptable from a man in his position but also completely unlike him.
“No but—”
“But? But what, sister? You disobeyed my command. What do you think happens if you behave badly?” His rough words were to obey submission.
Contrary to the common conception, I wasn’t a woman who liked every man to whisper sweet nothings to me, only those I’d like to sleep with or used to. Enough was enough, so I decided to put an end to it.
“Father, this isn’t appropriate.”
He leaned his cheek onto the palm of his hand. “Oh really, and confessing your most depraved fantasies is?”
Feeling attacked, I opened my mouth to defend myself, but he went first.
“Now, remember, I’m not here to judge, but I sense some anger.”
“Of course because I’m trying to confess my deepest secrets and you’re distracting—”
“So then are you really mad at me or at yourself?”
Wow, never in my life had I been put on the spot, and as much as I loved to deny it, I couldn’t because that was nothing more than the truth.
I shook my head, deciding it was best to end things here when Father Andrea rose from his seat; an anxious bead of sweat brimmed at my temple while he came around. Breaking the tradition and oath of secrecy. How strange. Why—
But when his scarred handsome face, dark midnight eyes, and seductively dominant aura came into sight, the world froze. He was in an all-black button-down shirt and trousers and Oxfords as he began to undo his tie with one hand.
“Well, tell me, sister.” He enticed me as the wind howled outside.
“Konstantin!” Gasping his name loudly, I covered my mouth. Absolutely stunned.
What was he doing here? Why him out of all people? Wait, was he the one hearing and manipulating my conversation?
My hand fell to the side as my nails scratched along the wooden box. Restraining myself so I didn’t use physical force as I shouted, “You bastard! How dare you?”
“How dare I? How dare you?” He grunted, and a calculating glint passed over his dark blue eye like he thought of all the infinite ways to defile me. The corner of his scarred lips held a sardonic smile. “You’ve been so bad, sister. So, so bad. You deserve to be punished, don’t you think so?”
My mouth went dry, the intense achy haze blurring any rationale. “Go to hell.”
He leaned over, pressing his hand on both sides of the chair as he invaded my personal space and breathed the same air. “I waited for so long, I came crawling back to you.”
His sea salt musk scent fell over me, making my mouth go dry, my brain go all haywire. He was all I could see. All I can breathe. All I felt.
It was suffocating.
The pressure in the air increased tenfold as I felt my heartbeat beneath the surface of my skin.
I placed a hand on his chest, shoving him back. “Get away.”
He lapped his hand over mine, intertwining them together, preventing me from leaving. The beat of his chest rapidly uncontrolled. Just like…mine.
He darkly chuckled, deeply whispering. “Do you really want me to leave, or are you just telling yourself that?”
“Shut. Up.” By some miracle, I pushed out through my teeth.
This wasn’t a reality I wanted to confront nor something up for discussion.
“Ah, but didn’t you want to talk about your sins?”
“Now is not that time or place.”
“Then when is the right time or place?” Konstantin insisted as he moved my hand through the muscles of his chest.
My cheeks grew increasingly warm, avoiding thinking about how good and masculine he felt. Wow, it had been really long since I’d been with a man, huh?
“When you disappear from my life,” I retorted, needing to get as far away as possible from him— before I’d lose control.
He clicked his tongue in disapproval. “Do you really want me gone, or do you want me to seep into your skin, mind, body, and soul?”
My breath hitched. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Oh really, kotyonok?” His eyes were all starry before a deceptive grin took over his face. “Tell me then, why are you in such a hurry to get away? Is it because you’re scared of me or rather scared of what you want me to do to you?”
“I—I …”
“Remember, you’re sworn to the truth; if you deny it, you shall be punished for your sins.”
Ah yes, the eternal damnation of my soul that every person liked to remind me of, yet when he spoke of it, the only punishment I could imagine was the one between his lips and mine.