Chapter 17
Blair
“I’ll be gone for a while,” Konstantin said, adjusting the Timberland boots onto his feet, tying the laces after, and then standing up, placing a pistol that was on the side of the bed behind the back of his jeans and black t-shirt. His hair was wet; a small curl trickled over his forehead.
Standing at the corner, next to the tall drawer in my gothic black dress paired with satin white heels as I bit my nails. Naturally I needed to know where he was tending to go so early in the morning. It’s not like he had a job or anywhere important to be.
“Where are you going?” My voice was low, not wanting to irritate him.
“Somewhere. I’ll be back soon, kotyonok.” And without another word he left, leaving me like the falling autumn leaves behind as the cruel winter comes.
As the click-clack of my heels echoed against the stone walls of the convent, I walked absent-mindedly, only thinking about him. The gust of wind tugged through the stone arch and shifted my veil as it flowed behind me.
He didn’t leave. He didn’t leave, right? He wouldn’t. At least not without saying goodbye. Without saying something to me. Right? He promised.
I chewed at my bottom lip at the thought of it.
I mean, it’s not like he owed me anything, but the last several weeks meant something, especially after the small moments we shared, revealing our past and dark secrets, the most intimate and complex layers of ourselves, and still after all that, he wouldn’t leave before saying goodbye, especially after confessing his undying love to me.
I love you wasn’t just some cheap sentiment you tossed out, at least it shouldn’t be.
Saying I love you was committing yourself to another soul, choosing to battle alongside each other through the good and bad and the unprecedented.
Accepting one another as you are, knowing each other’s secrets, and not judging them.
It meant that you fight for what you have and never let go.
It meant to think, dream, want, need, and hope for them.
And as a girl who wasn’t raised with love and trying so hard to find it, even with the father of my child— but I knew it was only fondness because neither of us knew what it was like.
I only came to know it when I had Ollie because for the first time in the world I had something that was not only mine but so precious that I’d never let him go and I’ll kill and die for.
And now with Konstantin, this flight of emotion surged again.
“Yoohoo, Blair!” Marie waved her hand in my face as she spoke her soft Italian singsong.
I fluttered my lashes, noticing I had blanked while she ranted about the next church activity.
“Sorry,” I lied, not really caring but out of consideration for her. “What were you saying?”
She crossed her arms across her chest, her brows sitting low as she sighed.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
She starts to walk again, heading off without me.
“Wait!” I ran up on her and caught her arm, turning her to face me as she pulled away. “What’s the problem?”
A second sigh fled her lips. “I’m not trying to be mean when I say this, but you. You are the problem.”
Damn.
Who ruffled her feathers?
A group of sisters going the other direction passed by as I waited to continue the conversation.
I puckered my forehead and pointed my painted nail to myself. “Me?”
“Yes, you’re lost in your own world and moping. And honestly, if you want to be by yourself, go ahead. I’ll be here when you’re ready to listen.”
“But I’m here.”
“You’re not here.” She argued, her lips thinning in deep disapproval.
“What are you talking about? I’m right here! I mean, look at me.” I mock a laugh, pressing my hands against my own body.
She shook her head dismissively. Her eyes glazed over my body from head to toe. “Blair, your mind and physical matter might be here, but your heart and soul aren’t.”
“I—”
Marie began to lecture me. “And I don’t blame you. This is not an easy life to commit to. There are rules and obligations. You have to die to yourself to serve the Lord. However, if there’s a doubt in your mind that you should be here, then you should go.”
“Go?”
“Go and be where you’re happy. Because at the end of the day God wants us to be happy even if it’s not a life of service but a life we choose to live for.”
I didn’t know why she was saying all of this, but a deep part of me, somewhere in my mind or heart, knew it was right. But still, what about the promises I made? Were those meant for nothing?
“Wait, why are you saying all of this?”
“Blair, seriously!” She questioned almost sarcastically. “If you haven’t noticed, your final vows are in a few days, and you’re here distracted.”
Oh. Shit.
In an attempt to help Konstantin escape, I had forgotten. My routine. My prayers. Helping the children with the final Easter preparations. Everything had surrounded him and me.
If my lack of words didn’t tell, the blank surprised stare I had did.
She snapped her fingers, and an obviously conceited expression enveloped her face. “Like I said.”
“That doesn’t mean I’m not trying!”
“Look, Blair, you’re not ready. And to be honest, I don’t think you ever will be.” And like a harsh storm, she tore my path apart and left quickly.
Doing the walk of shame all the way back to my bedchamber, I observed the scenery of the world around me.
How the rainbow-colored flyers and ribbons hung from the ceiling of each home.
The streets were lined with arrays of flower arrangements.
The radiant sheen of shine that cascaded through the quiet city off the coast and how everyone in this city appeared to be happy and alive…
all but me. I tried so hard to deny myself what I wanted, but it was obvious it was a lie.
I opened the door, and there he was, standing beside the arched glass window with his large tattooed arms crossed, gazing out at life out there. Sneaking inside and closing the door behind me, his gaze roamed up at me and connected with mine.
My chest squeezed hard at the sight of him in my room. Although it was forbidden, this never felt more right.
Opening my mouth, I began, “I—”
“I’m leaving.” Konstantin broke the tense afternoon air with such a message.
What?
Why, I wanted to say but knew very well this was never going to last. This was only a temporary fix for both of us… That’s what we agreed to, but… it was all different now.
A tremble passed through my hands as I began to pick at my nails, distracting myself. “When?”
“Tomorrow.”
Chains squeezed my heart hard as it felt like I couldn’t breathe. Somehow gathering the strength to speak as I questioned, “Why?” Why so soon?
He walked over to the bed and brought his arms to rest on his knees, running a hand through his hair. “Because my time to go has come. I need to get out of this town.”
“I know but…” There had to be something to make him… not leave.
“Can we talk?”
“Sure.” I wasn’t sure at all, but we needed to get all of it off our chest.
“Come,” he directed, patting the open space next to him on the bed.
I brought my trembling hands together as my feet dragged, feeling so heavy it took me a second longer to cross the room and sit down on the bed.
Gently, he turned to me and took my shaking hands in his, dropping his head as he brought them to his lips. The heat of his touch made my soul melt. “I meant what I said the other day, even if you don’t believe me. I do love you, Blair. I want to be with you.” He spoke in a hushed tone.
The air in my chest escaped me.
There were many men who had told me pretty words, but only Konstantin had ever confessed and kept his promise.
My mouth opened. Closed.
“Again, I’m sorry.”
Shaking my head, not needing any more apologies. “Kon, I already told you—”
“I’m sorry for making you go through this ordeal. I’m sorry for making you my accomplice, and I’m sorry that I couldn’t help but fall in love with you.”
What an idiot… Didn't he realize with every moment that passed, every word he said, and every touch he gave, he made me fall too?
“Don’t be.”
He glanced at me, sharp and unreadable, a shadowed intensity in his eyes.
“There are many things I didn’t get to choose, but you— being with you as an ally and lover— was my choice.” A small chuckle stumbled from my lips. “I know I can be a bit all over the place, but I want you… I want so many things.” But I can’t have them all.
He raised his hand, tucking an escaping lock back underneath my veil. My cheeks flared at the simple proximity. “I wouldn’t have it any other way, kotyonok. And I want you to know that having a child doesn't sway me at all. He will still be mine.”
“Mmhm, Ollie is very rambunctious and possessive. He doesn’t like to share much.”
“We’re alike then. I don’t share either.”
“Then we have a conflict of interest here.”
His gestureful comment nearly made me smile, but I refused to let myself.
“What are you thinking?”
“One sec.” I turned my body, reaching my hand out and slipping it underneath the pillows, taking the only thing I had left of my baby. Retrieving the wallet-size portrait, I brought it to my chest, trying to pretend to hold him. The only comfort I could get.
One large sigh released from my chest as I finally held it out for Konstantin to see.
“This is my son.” The picture was taken on a lazy Sunday as one-year-old Ollie sat on his stomach, his elbows on the bed, as he cupped his own chubby cheeks as Sesame Street was in the back.
It was the ideal opportunity to take the photo.
A brief smile touched his lips, almost prideful. “He looks like you.”
“He does, doesn’t he? I think it’s the green eyes.”
“How old is he?”
“In the photo he was one. He must be turning three soon.”
“Well, he definitely is his mother’s son.”
“Mmhm,” I accepted the compliment, yet I didn’t feel worthy enough to be called “his mother.”
“Blair, what’s wrong?”
Pent-up sadness bawled into my throat, making it nearly impossible to talk as I fought against it.
“I always think, how could it be okay for a child to be away from his mother? And if he even remembers me? Or will he remember my face or my voice? When he’s all grown, will he hate me for walking away? ”
A dark, ominous shadow crawled up from the ground, standing over my shoulder, and began to take the form of that man with a gaping hole in his head, staring at me with bloodshot eyes and a maniacal rage scold.
He was also there. Watching. Judging. Condemning my soul.
Sentencing to a fate worse than death … living without my child.
“You didn’t walk away, Blair. You were trying to keep him safe.”
“Still,” I argued. “It doesn’t feel like I did a very good job.”
“Blair, you were assaulted, nearly raped, and in a moment of life or death, you chose to save your son. Whether that be at the expense of a bastard's life, so be it.”
“I—”
“You didn’t kill him. You defended yourself. You saved your son.”
“Still, I didn’t have to do it.” I began shaking my head; the back of my eyes started to burn.
“Sometimes I think maybe I enticed him. Maybe something I said or wore. Maybe if I kept my mouth shut… he wouldn’t have…
I wouldn’t have…” My voice was brittle, breaking with conflict.
My eyes fogged up as I couldn’t help but cry.
“No, no.” He cupped my face, wiping the falling parade of tears with his thumb. “It’s not your fault. Don’t do that. Don’t blame yourself. You were trying to survive, and anyone would have done the same.”
A cloud of hopelessness sat on my shoulders, contemplating what would have happened if I didn’t press the trigger. It felt like the inevitable end to an unpreventable tragedy.
“Blair?”
“Mmhm.”
“How do you feel about it?”
“About the murder, I already told you—”
“No, kotyonok, not that. I mean the assault. You barely talked about that part, but I want to know if you’ve processed it. Or do you still need time? Whatever you need, I’ll be there, waiting.” He rasped with sincere and heavy longing.
Most of that damned night was a blur, my memory a broken fragment of a nightmare that consumed me.
What remained were the screeches and terrified cries of my child seeing me being dragged, beaten with my mouth clamped shut as my clothes were being torn apart.
And when he couldn’t get what he wanted, he turned to my baby…
my baby… and he was going to ruin him for my disobedience and protest. And I knew I had no further choice.
It was kill or be killed. And I snapped, got the gun, and shot him.
“Even if that means forever?” My question wasn’t a test or mind game but an honest inquiry because I was still so young. I had my whole life in front of me and I hadn’t got a clue what I wanted to do. And even then, it would take a while to accept what had happened to me… to my son.
“Forever.” He leaned in, dropping his forehead to mine, and right then and there for a moment, it felt like I wasn’t alone. His strength was my own.
Several beats passed as he added, “Blair, leave here.”
Gazing up at him through my wet lashes, searching his deep blue stare, wondering in the infinite impossibilities. “How? How am I going to leave?”
“With me. Come with me, Blair. Let’s leave here together.” He gave me the offer my heart most desired.
And the heart wants what it wants.
And I wanted to be with my son and… with Konstantin too.
But all was not fair in love and war.