Epilogue 1 #2
My lips moved against his, hungrily, wanting to fight for dominance as I nipped his bottom lip.
He groaned, devouring each kiss like it was our last, feasting on each other for eternity.
He bit. I bit back harder. Letting the madness consume us into sinful corruption.
No one, and I mean no one, would part us. Not even death.
We ripped away only when our lungs felt like they would give out.
Together we burned like the sacred flames of Vesta.
“Damn, I think I love you.” My breathless words take flight.
He carefully grabbed my chin, tilting it up to see him. “Careful, kotyonok, you might be stealing something you can’t take back.”
“Good thing, I can keep you then.” I winked at him, lifting my arms and barely wrapping them around his large muscular back.
Butterflies took flight in my stomach. The essence of this man made me fall back into love with everything. Life. The forbidden. Him.
God, this was going to be a wonderful life.
An edging knife poked at my sternum, the picture-perfect image cracking a bit. Knowing there was only one tiny person missing. The other love and light of my life.
He rested his hands on each side of my head, his all-discerning gaze inquisitively narrowing at me. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I began; his stare only made me tell the truth. “Well, if I’m being honest, and I know I shouldn’t complain, and I really can’t because this has all been so… great.”
“But?”
“But,” my finger lazily trailed around the line of his jaw, treading carefully on what I was about to say. “I can’t help but think about my son, Ollie.”
Kon remained silent, his features barely moving an inch.
He was probably sick of me talking about my son.
Most men would dislike women with children.
Many more would hate raising a child who isn’t their own.
More so the fact that during the happiest moments, I would tell him how much I wished Ollie to be here and how much he would love it— which my sweet boy would, but Konstantin thought that his presence should have been enough to fulfill me.
But I wanted more. I wanted to have it all.
And he knew that.
He knew how much I longed for a family and my child every day and night. And if being with me meant I would choose my child, it was the price he had to pay. I just didn’t know when he would be fed up with me and decide to call it “quits.”
Well, if he could find someone better than me, that is.
Still, maybe us being naked in bed wasn’t the right time to talk about this.
Using half of my strength, I pushed him to the side as I stood upright on the bed, grabbing the sheet to cover myself and face the matte gray walls. Running a loose hand through my hair as I sighed again. “Sorry. Sorry.”
“Don’t apologize.”
“Perhaps, but now it’s the right time to talk about him.”
He reached out his hand and rested it on my arm, softly pulling me in as he lay on his side. “Then when is the right time, Blair?” His eyes burned on the side of my temple.
“I don’t know, but I know you don’t understand what it’s like to be a parent and the responsibility that comes with it. And I don’t blame you, nor do I want to pressure you. It’s just so much to explain, too little time.”
“Tell me.”
“Kon, you don’t have to.”
“But I want to. You’re the woman I love. Anything you care for, anything you devote yourself to, so shall I.”
God, he could really be charming and understanding. That was my favorite part about him. He was my shoulder to cry on, my safeguard that shielded me from the rest of the world, my haven to enjoy paradise.
A rising sigh collapsed inside my chest.
If I were being truthful, the reason I didn’t talk about my son to Kon was because I didn’t feel ready.
How could a mother express the way they carried their child forever attached to the crevices of the soul?
“From the moment you have a child, it’s the only thing you can think of constantly.
From where he is to if he’s being hurt to if he’s asleep safe and sound.
But how can he be safe and sound when he’s away from me?
I am his mother. I loved him from the moment I found out I was pregnant, even if I was scared because I was nineteen.
However, none of it mattered, because as soon as I held him in my arms, I felt the warmth of his tiny body, his little beating heart.
He has become the center of it.” Hotness burned in the back of my eyes as I tried not to cry, raising my gaze towards the plain gray ceilings.
Konstantin rose up completely, his hand slipping around my shoulder as he drew my back towards his front, nearly relaxing in him.
“It’s been six months— more than a year and a half since I left him, and I haven’t made an attempt to see him. More than that, I fled to stay away from him. I’m such a bad mother.” The confession broke my seamlessly put-together composure.
That was the truth.
The sin edged on the conscience of my soul.
The ugly dark reflection I hated to see.
And the reason hatred festered in me. The reason I found myself less worthy to be loved.
“You’re not a bad mother,” he softly opposed.
“I am. How can a mother ever leave her child? What mother who gets the opportunity to find him doesn’t do it?”
“You didn’t want to leave him. You left to protect him.”
“I—”
I was torn at the seam. I didn’t know what to do.
“Kotyonok, enough beating yourself up about the past,” The timbre of his voice grew stronger, snapping me out of the spiraling spell of hate.
His fingers dug into my skin; the pain made me aware of how far I’ve come and how much I’ve had left to live.
“You can’t change it. You can’t live with the what-ifs.
The only thing you can do is live in the now to try to amend the future.
Ollie is still a baby, so you have so many more years to make memories. ”
There was nothing more I dreamed of.
But there was still a driving factor that peeved me.
I gnawed at my bottom lip before asking, “What about us? This relationship goes beyond the both of us. I came into your world with some reservations, and I can’t imagine how you must feel knowing my past. But if you compare the two, I can’t choose between you and him—”
“I’m not asking you to, kotyonok.” His rough inflection carried some gentle undertones. “I can’t, and I don’t ever want to change that love you have for your son. I won’t compete with it. I’d only add to it.”
“How are you so sure? Today you might say that because you don’t know what it’s like to be a father or a parent, but once Ollie comes into our lives, things will change.
We won’t live for ourselves anymore. You won’t have me to yourself.
You’ll have to share. You have to learn how to love him.
If you can.” Doubt manifested itself in my words.
“Why? Because he’s a kid?”
“Because he’s another man’s child. I’ve heard— seen what other men do to children that aren’t theirs.”
“He is a part of you. How can I not love someone who is like you?”
My heart tightened with consolidation. For a man of few words, he really spoke the most meaningful ones.
The fact he would love Ollie because he was mine and nothing else mattered, not who was his father or what was his background, was the essence of loving a person fully without any restraints, any conditions and just for who they were.
“You make it sound so easy.”
“It is.”
“Alright, let’s pretend for a moment that all of you and Ollie get along.
Now how exactly are you going to get him away from his father, aka the Columbian Capo?
” The ideal situation was deemed nearly impossible to achieve.
First, because I wasn’t sure how Ollie would take a liking to Konstantin, and secondly, I didn’t know how my ex/baby daddy would take to another mobster being his son’s stepfather.
It was a really messy situation.
If only my type weren’t criminals.
“I have my ways,” he reassured.
“Such as?”
“Blair, for you there’s nothing impossible I wouldn’t do. One day, you shall see your son, and you’ll both reunite and never be separated again— ready to live our perfect life.”
“And what would you propose as a picture-perfect life? A large white house in the suburbs with a husky and a picket fence.”
“To live together as a family, have a couple more babies and a husky, and move to where our hearts desire.”
“That’s ambitious.” His plan made me wonder just how much of our future he organized. Part of me was endearing; the other knew it was completely irrational, yet it was everything I could have ever wanted.
“I have plans, kotyonok. You’re at the forefront of it all.”
“Still having a couple more babies? I mean, how many are we talking about?”
He shrugged. “Ten. Three. Ten.”
“Ten? Slow down there, Genghis Khan. As if there aren't 150 million Russians in the world already.”
“Funny,” he said stoically as his black-tattooed arms tightened around my shoulders, causing me to rest my back against his chest. “But it’s all up to you, kotyonok. Whether it’s ten or zero babies, I’ll be happy as long as I’m with you.”
I relaxed my head against the crook of his neck, looking up at him through my lashes as I gazed at my protector. “You really mean it, don’t you?”
He simply nodded, the corner of his lips tilting upward.
“God, what would I do without you?” I sighed.
He rocked me gently back and forth. “You would survive without me. I wouldn't. Your existence is vital to mine, kotyonok. Don’t ever doubt that.”
“Can I turn around now?” I asked for the tenth time, shifting my weight on one leg, tapping my high-heel boot against the cemented ground of Estrella City Park.
Staring at the beautiful golden fountain that had the country's emblem of a phoenix designed at the top, the scent of apples flowing in the mist of the cool autumn breeze made my loose hair curl around my nape and matched my off-the-shoulder navy blue corset top and low-rise jeans.