Chapter 34
We stayed at my dad's for another half hour or so, going over our next steps. I spoke a little more with Elio and Dante, and while I’m not naive enough to think they like me, they seemed to get a little more on board with my presence.
Now, after circling the block twice, we’re pulling up to my house so I can grab a few more things.
“Stay behind me,” Javier says, pulling a gun from his holster and holding it close to his body.
“I doubt anyone’s here.”
He doesn’t reply, but I follow him up the path from the driveway that leads to my front door. After he gestures to move in front of him, I take my keys and unlock it.
Javier scans the area behind us, checking the streets and growing shadows. Once I step back, he turns the knob and pushes the door open. With the gun now extended, he searches the living room and kitchen first while I stand just inside the door.
I watch as he disappears down the hall, and then remerges a couple minutes later.
Tucking his gun back in the holster, he says, “Okay, you can go pack what you need. I’ll take out the trash and clear the fridge.”
“You don’t have to. I’ll do it.”
“No, you won’t, because you don’t need to be going outside by yourself. Just go pack.”
“I’m not completely fragile or useless.”
He tilts his head when he looks at me. “I’m not saying you are. I’m saying you have the bigger target on your back, and we’re in the one spot where they know they can find you.”
“Fine.” I turn to walk down the hall, but stop and turn around. “Thank you.”
Javier nods once, then makes his way to the kitchen.
In my room, I grab my black gym bag, and start gathering a few more clothing items, a couple of books, and a surprise for Javier.
I grin as I tuck it away, then I zip up the bag and head back to the living room where I find Javier walking through the front door.
“Trash is out,” he says. “Your fridge is nearly bare.”
“That’s fine. Thanks again.”
“You ready?”
“Yeah.”
I hoist the bag over my shoulder and follow him through the door and to his car. The sky is darker now, the sun having hidden below the horizon.
“I liked what you said at your dad’s house,” Javier says as we take off down the street.
“Oh yeah? I wondered if they thought it was mostly bravado.”
“Nah. You admitted to not even wanting this. Guys like that, they think everyone is out for themselves, usually because they are. Nepotism’s been a problem before.
Guys get their nephews, sons, or cousins involved because they’re family and shit goes sideways because they don’t actually take it seriously.
You saying you’ll do what’s necessary was good.
It takes time to earn trust and respect, but you’ll get there. ”
My lips twitch, a smile teasing them. “And when they find out I’m a priest?”
He’s quiet for a moment. “Are you?”
I gaze out the window and watch the stars twinkle like fireflies. “Technically, yes.”
“But will you continue to be?”
I sigh. “I’m just trying to get through this mess first. I can’t think about the future until I’m sure I’ll even have one.”
“If you think I’ll let anyone hurt you…” he says, letting the sentence die out.
“I know,” I reply. “I know I can trust you.”
He glances over and gives me a small grin. “Good.”
Turns out Javier lives over an hour away. I chose Crest Haven because it was a quiet, small town, and it wasn’t close to where I grew up with my father. Dad’s work usually takes place in Boston, so it makes sense for Javier to live about half an hour away from the city.
He slows down next to a six-story building, and pulls into the underground garage. Once parked, we grab our luggage and make our way to the elevator and take it to the fifth floor.
We pass delicate furnishings and abstract art as we walk down the hall to his apartment door.
“It’s not very big, but the view is nice,” he says.
Inside, the floor is a light colored wood. There’s a small table to the right where he drops his keys.
We turn the corner toward the left, and he starts pointing things out.
“Spare bedroom,” he says, walking to the doorway and turning on a light.
“There’s just a daybed in there and a dresser.
I don’t have many guests,” he says with a wry smile.
“Bathroom across the hall.” I spot the open door and get a glimpse of a toilet and sink.
He continues walking and points straight ahead.
“My room and another bathroom in there.” Then we curve to the right and land in his kitchen and living room area.
It’s not huge, but it looks like it costs a pretty penny.
The rooms are connected, but he’s got his dark gray couch separating the two spaces.
The colors are a mix of black, white, and gray.
The kitchen looks modern and updated, with a nice stainless steel fridge and stove, with a microwave hoisted between white cabinets.
The windows are large and take up almost the whole wall, and they definitely offer up great views.
“You hungry?” he asks.
“Definitely. And in need of a shower. We’ve been in the car all day.”
“Go ahead and get washed up. I’ll order something.”
“Okay.”
He leads me to his bedroom, flipping on the light. His king-sized bed is between two end tables with lamps. Another large window is on the right, and a long dresser stretches across the wall opposite the bed, a TV mounted above it.
As we turn to the left, I spot an oversized mirror resting against the wall, and next to that is the entrance to the bathroom.
“Towels are probably in the dryer,” he says, pulling back a curtain to reveal a stacked washer and dryer.
“Okay. I’m just gonna unpack a few things then I’ll hop in.”
He turns and stops in front of me. “Food preference?”
I study his handsome face and the way his eyes skate down my body. “Hmm. Maybe something light.”
He grins. “Got it.”
Once he leaves the room, I take my suitcase to the bed and open it up to grab my toiletry bag. I also pull out a fresh pair of underwear, a T-shirt, and a pair of lounge pants.
I use the bathroom and then strip down and turn on the shower. As it heats up, I set all my bathroom items on a free part of the counter.
Within twenty minutes, I’m scrubbed clean, lotioned up, and in my comfortable clothes, ready to eat.
When I walk out to the living room, I spot Javier on the couch, looking at his phone. He glances up and smiles, then pats the cushion next to him.
With a grin I can’t seem to fight, I walk over and settle in at his side. He leans over and nuzzles my neck, inhaling my scent before giving me a kiss under my ear.
“You smell good.” Goosebumps run down my arm. “I bet you taste good, too.”
A shiver runs through me. “Don’t you know already?” I ask, voice breathy.
“I might need to refresh my memory,” he says, licking a stripe across my neck.
“Mm,” I moan. “I agree.”
A knock on the door shatters the mood, breaking us apart.
I whine when he pulls away, and he chuckles on the way to the door.
Getting up, I meet him in the kitchen where he puts down a couple of bags on the counter.
“Salad and club sandwiches okay?” he asks.
“Yeah. Sounds good.”
Once we grab our food, we sit back on the couch and dig in. Javier turns on the TV but the volume is low as the weatherman talks about the upcoming rain in our forecast.
I always have a dozen things running through my head, so when I speak a thought out loud, it’s not out of the blue for me, but it seems to catch Javier off guard.
“How did you feel after you killed someone for the first time?”
He stops moving, his head turning toward me. “Okay, that was unexpected.”
“Sorry. I was just thinking.”
Javier takes a bite and chews for a while before attempting to answer.
“I was scared. Mostly of being caught. That was for my first solo job, though. I had done jobs with my dad before then. But I never had anything to worry about if I was with him. When you’re on your own, you wonder if you were lazy.
Did someone see you? Were there cameras in the area? ”
“But you didn’t have a moral struggle?”
“Nah. You have to understand I was brought up very differently than most kids. I knew what my dad was doing. And while I did question it around the age of ten or so, he explained it to me in a way that I accepted. He said ‘Son, you know how we have soldiers in the military? And sometimes they have to kill people because it’s for the benefit of a larger picture. Soldiers kill our enemies before they can kill us. Well, we have enemies too, and we have to kill them before they kill us. They’re not always good people, but in the end, it’s for a larger picture that we may not fully understand. ’”
“Hmm.”
“Kill or be killed, in the plainest of terms,” he says.
“Yeah, I get that.” I take another bite and chew it up. “You never felt bad?”
He shrugs. “I haven’t killed any innocent women or children. I’m killing men who signed up for a life where they knew that was a possibility.” Silence stretches between us. “You’ll do what’s necessary, right? Only what’s necessary.”
“Stepping into this life means abandoning everything I’ve been taut and have preached to others. Sure, I can justify a death as self-defense, but to become the antithesis of all my teachings by strolling into an underworld full of crime, violence, and murder?”
“You knew this world. You said so yourself. You grew up in it. It’s not new to you.
You’re struggling with taking that final step because it directly involves you now.
You didn’t care what your dad did. You didn’t struggle with the knowledge that he was involved in everything you told people to fight against. I hate to break it to you, Carlo, but you’ve already crossed the line. ”
“Yeah, with you, but—”
“No, with everything. You met with a crime family to discuss murdering a man. And it’s your plan.”
“To save myself and my father.”
“Or you could call the cops, right? Wouldn’t that be another option for someone not in the life?”
His words are like a hand around my throat, robbing me of a reply, because the truth is I never thought of that as a possibility.
“It seems you’ve made a decision, but you’re struggling to let go of your past. But the more you talk about your struggles between right and wrong, the more I start to wonder what we’re even doing together. You can’t be so self-righteous and pious and also let me fuck you after I’ve killed a man.”
Javier puts the remaining part of his sandwich in the box it came in and stands up. “I’m gonna go shower.”
“Javi,” I say, watching him leave.
He stops. “I like you, Carlo. Despite our differences, and maybe even because of them. But we’re at a point now where you have to choose one life or the other.
I won’t tell you what to do. If you want to live the rest of your life dedicated to your god and church, so be it.
I hope you find happiness. But I think if you choose me—” He cuts himself off and adjusts.
“Or this life…I believe you’ll find the freedom and excitement you’ve been longing for.
But you can’t question the morality of it every day. ”
“If I choose you. This darker life. I’m still in hiding, aren’t I? We couldn’t tell anyone about us, could we?”
He inhales, watching me carefully. “You’d be free of the shackles of guilt when we’re tangled up in each other in the dark. You’d be free to love and commit your life to someone other than Jesus. You wouldn’t be lonely.”
Without giving me time to reply, he tosses his food on the kitchen counter and disappears into his room, leaving me with a head full of conflicts.