30. Jules
JULES
T hey say if you love someone, you should let them go.
That’s all I keep thinking over and over as I stare out the windows of the penthouse, staring blankly at the city skyline.
Mason’s been out for over twenty-four hours now.
I knew the second he walked out, and I waited.
And waited. I owe him and all I can think is that if I send him a message, I’m going to beg him for even more. That’s not fair and that’s not right.
I swallow thickly, and my dry throat sends a spike of pain running through me.
Or maybe it’s my heart. I’m not sure which.
I shake my head, turning abruptly and walk over to the kitchen to fix myself some coffee.
If he wanted to speak to me, he would have come or he would have called.
The fact is, he doesn’t want me. Why did it take me this long to realize that wanting him and loving him wasn’t enough?
He hasn’t called, hasn’t sent a text. I take a steadying breath, balancing myself on a padded barstool at the island counter and then gripping the hot mug of coffee with both hands.
The ceramic mug has veins of gold running through the thick cream pottery.
I focus on it and drift my finger over the raised texture remembering how he used to trail his fingers down my lips before kissing me.
Everything is a reminder of him and it hurts. I let my head fall back to exhale before taking a slow sip of the coffee. It’s worse than a death because I could have him. It could be different … He’s right there.
I keep thinking he’s merely let me go because he loves me. They say if you love someone, you should let them go. Maybe that’s what I should do. I should let him go.
But isn’t it done with? Isn’t it over? The ending is so much different from what I envisioned. I will take this one where there is hope, over anything else. I want a chance.
The truth is, if Mason loved me, he’d be here. If he wanted me, he’d take me. That’s the kind of man he is.
“If you want to go to his house …” Maddie says gently from the seat next to me, moving her hand to my thigh.
She hasn’t left my side since last night when the girls came over.
When Kat told me Mason had been released from custody and I had waited for him to show, and he never did.
After the first hour, I started to worry.
After several hours, it was hard not to assume the worst. I’m glad my friends were here with me instead.
I still don’t know when I’ll be able to return to my condo.
The police say it’s a crime scene, and that means it’s off-limits in the meantime.
I should message him … I should message Mason and let him know that.
Shouldn’t I? He should know that I’m still here in this penthouse when he’s the one who’s footing the bill.
“Maddie, please.” Kat’s patience is waning thin with a restless Maddie who won’t stop asking questions. I’m grateful for the distraction, though.
Kat’s sitting at the dining room table and Sue went to work. She didn’t want to, but I insisted.
“There’s nothing wrong with going after what you want,” Maddie says, finishing her suggestion.
I glance from her to Kat, who’s gently nodding her head. “That’s true,” she whispers. Both of them stare at me as if I’m broken. Like this is the one thing over the last year that has managed to finally destroy me.
I’ve lost a husband, then fell in love with his murderer. I’ve been held against my will, killed a man out of anger and another out of fear for my life.
Yet here I sit, worried about the man who brought all of this chaos in my life.
Worried he doesn’t want me. Worried I can never have him again. Worried I’ll never love anyone or be loved by anyone like him.
The mug clinks as I set it down on the counter, pushing it away to rest my face in my hands. The granite’s cold on my elbows, but everything today has been brutally cold. I should be used to it by now.
Shifting on the stool next to me, Maddie gently rubs my back in soothing strokes, making the cotton blouse travel slightly up and down my back as she shushes me.
The padding of Kat’s feet are muted by her socks when she gets up to sit by us too. She takes a seat alongside us at the island with me sitting between her and Maddie.
“Hey, it’s okay. He didn’t do it,” Kat says in such a tender voice. It only makes the pain in my chest grow.
I didn’t tell them a word, and I never will. They’ll never know any of this truth. Not if I can help it.
“I know,” I say and my voice cracks as I agree. I clear my throat and stare straight ahead, pushing the hair out of my face and ignoring both sets of their questioning eyes on me.
I can see myself in the reflection of the steel fridge, but it’s not quite me, it’s something else.
Some different version that stares back, distorted.
Perception is what’s changed my life. It could have gone on and on with me not knowing a damn thing, only seeing what they wanted me to, and then none of this would have ever happened.
“He didn’t do it,” I say in a stronger voice, swallowing the lump in my throat.
“Why don’t you call him maybe?” Maddie offers.
I have to drop my gaze. I can’t look them in the eyes and lie. “I don’t think he wants me to,” I answer honestly, staring fixedly at the granite countertops.
“You’re wrong, Jules.” Kat’s voice comes out harsher than I expected as she speaks, and I grip the edge of the counter to turn my body on the stool and face her. “Of course he loves you. That’s more than obvious.”
“You don’t understand,” I tell her even though I already know there’s no convincing her.
Kat’s stubborn. She stares at me, waiting for an explanation.
My eyes flicker to Maddie’s, both of them waiting impatiently.
I settle for a partial truth. “He said he loves me.” I clear my throat and look past Kat.
“I didn’t say it back,” I add. “The last time I saw him, I didn’t say it back. ”
“Why?” Maddie sounds horrified, and it only makes me feel worse.
“It’s just that he did something,” I say haltingly, and my stomach churns as I look back to the gold flecks on the mug in front of me.
“Something like what?” Kat seems hesitant.
“It was something from a while ago, but it hurt me,” I say then close my eyes, wishing they could just know. Wishing I didn’t have to say it for them to understand.
“Did he mean to hurt you?” Kat asks and there’s a pain in her gaze. I know it’s because of what she and Evan are going through right now. I wish she’d talk to me about that, rather than feeling like I’m prying when I try to ask how she’s holding up.
“I’m sure he didn’t,” Maddie says softly, but her brow is furrowed with sympathy as she waits for my response.
“It wasn’t meant to, no, but it was meant to hurt someone else and it wasn’t right.” I see Maddie and Kat exchange glances.
“What did he do?” Maddie asks.
“Maybe he’s not here because he thinks you want to keep your distance for now since he was arrested?” Kat says, delicately hinting around the fact I’m very self-conscious of negative publicity.
“I don’t care about that,” I tell her bluntly. “He’s not here now, because when I left …” I can’t finish. I can’t say the words because I’m ashamed that I didn’t answer him. I’ve known I still love him. I know damn well I do, and I did then. I just didn’t want to admit it.
“You upset him?” Kat says, taking a guess.
“I knew I might not see him again … and I still didn’t say it back. He said I love you, and I didn’t say it back.”
“It’s just words,” Kat says, “Actions are what count. And if you love him, go for him. Fix it. You can always fix it.” She’s full of so much confidence.
So much conviction, I have to believe her although part of me wonders if she’s telling me what she’s telling herself when it comes to her own relationship.
“Go to him,” Maddie says sweetly.
“Don’t you want him?” Kat presses when I don’t respond, too caught up in my own thoughts.
Had I known the truth, I never would have gotten close, but he didn’t give me that chance. He pulled me in and drowned me before I realized I couldn’t breathe. I’ll forever be his. All the sins and secrets could never tear us apart. We both have them. But if we have each other … they don’t matter.
Maddie nods her head in agreement. “Just because you’re fighting over something that happened before this doesn’t mean anything.” Her voice is firm. “He needs you.”
And I need him. We always have, both in our own way.
All three of us turn our heads to the door as I hear it open with a loud thud. My heart hammers in my chest, pounding harder and harder as I see him. Mason.
The breath leaves my lungs and I nearly fall off the stool at the sight of him.
He doesn’t look at me or even in this direction as he closes the door and tucks the keycard into his pocket. He slips off his boots easily, as if he belongs here and it’s only natural.
As if he hadn’t kept me waiting here for him for hours.
When he finally looks up, something breaks in me. The walls crumble, and I want to run to him. To climb off the stool and embrace him.
To thank him for taking the fall. For protecting me. For loving me even if he brought all this hell along with him. To check him over and make sure he’s okay.
But I’m frozen in place. Paralyzed by the sight of him. He rolls his broad shoulders before tossing the jacket over the sofa and finally looking up at me. His steel gray eyes pierce through me, questioning only for a moment before turning his attention to the other two women.
Kat’s hand squeezes mine briefly before she whispers, “Do you want us to get out of here?”
“Yeah,” Maddie answers for me. “We’ll see you tomorrow?” Maddie asks with wide eyes.
I nod my head, but still I can’t speak. I can’t answer either of them. He’s here. All I can do is be thankful that he’s here.
He’s standing right there, only inches away from me.
I can still feel the coldness from the outdoors around him.
But it doesn’t belong to him in the least. His tanned skin is pink on his cheeks and the tip of his nose.
My fingers itch to reach out to him, to touch him and pass the chill of the air and feel his hot skin.
I’m vaguely aware of Kat and Maddie leaving, the sounds of keys jingling and each saying hello and then goodbye to Mason.
He gives them a tight smile and nods, his deep voice sending a soothing wave through me as he shoves his hands in his pockets and watches them leave.
As soon as the door shuts, he looks back at me, consuming me the way he does with his full attention as comes to the bar, close to me. Close enough to touch.
I lick my lips and scoot forward on the stool, my left knee brushing his right. “Mason,” I say, whispering his name with a reverence I’m not sure he hears or recognizes, but his eyes look the same way they did months ago when I first left him. Raw and vulnerable. Emotional.
He can hide a lot of things from me, and I won’t deny that because it’s the absolute truth. But I can see the pain and love in his gaze when he looks at me like this.
I know that’s real. He can’t ever hide that from me.
“Jules,” he says and Mason’s voice is low.
Too low. Panic drifts into my veins. It courses through me as he reaches out to run his fingers down my hair before resting his large hand on my thigh.
His thumb runs back and forth in soothing strokes, but there’s something about the way he’s looking at me, something off about his body language. Something I don’t like.
“I never should have put you through all this, Jules.”
My heart clenches, feeling so constricted that I can’t fathom the amount of pain I’m feeling.
He’s letting me go. He gave me hope, walking through the door.
No! No! Go back to the hope. We have hope.
We don’t have everything but we have hope, don’t we?
The words tangle over themselves in the back of my throat.
“I never should have,” he says then swallows before continuing, “I never should have killed him. I’m sorry.
” All I can do is shake my head slightly as I listen to Mason.
It was a mistake, an unforgivable sin. An act that ruined my life.
But he had his reasons. I can’t deny that it was wrong, but so much was wrong.
The pieces fell, and there was blood on everyone’s hands.
“I was a different man then. I didn’t know you yet, and I can’t ever take it back.” Mason pulls his hand away, and the warmth and comfort of his touch vanishes, replaced by a sudden chill.
“I fell in love with you and I’d do anything to keep you, but I know you don’t want that.
I hate myself as much as you hate me.”
He starts to turn away from me. To leave me like I’ve wanted since I learned the truth, but my body comes to life, my blood a mix of anxiety and depression. I grip Mason’s hand as I stumble off the stool, the damn thing nearly toppling over.
“Don’t you dare leave me,” I say. My voice comes out raw as tears threaten to spill from my eyes. I refuse to take my hands from his wipe under my eyes.
Never.
He’s as much mine as I am his. I refuse to let him go.
His expression changes as he registers my words. “Don’t you ever leave me again,” I tell him with a strength formed from panic. Please, please God, don’t let him deny me.
“I need you.” The hot tears fall to my lips and I try to swallow, but it hurts too much.
Everything hurts as I stand before the man I love, knowing it’s wrong.
Knowing he broke me, ruined me and then showed me how fucked up love can be.
The only cruel thing left for him to do to me would be to leave me like this.
To throw me away after everything we’ve been through.
“There’s hope, isn’t there?” I say. “I love you,” I whisper with complete conviction.
Just as I part my lips to confess every emotion in me to him, he crashes his lips against mine, filling my chest with a warm flow of desire and completion.
My lips are hard at first, caught off guard, but I’m quick to mold them to his, spearing my fingers through his hair as his hand splays at the small of my back, both of us deepening the kiss, both of us wanting more.
“Mason.” I moan his name as he breaks the kiss, my eyes still closed as our hot breath mingles between us.
“Just hold me. I love you,” I tell him and bury my head into his hard chest. He wraps his strong arms around me as his warmth consumes me and kisses my hair over and over. This is where I belong, I know it is.
“I love you,” he says and it’s all I need.
I love Mason. And he loves me.