11. Kat
KAT
Just get it over with,
Tell me that we’re done.
Leave me to this madness,
I accept that you have won.
You’ve broken me to pieces,
Left me numb and blind.
Made me only yours ? —
I’ve completely lost my mind.
“ I need a distraction, that’s what I need.” I speak the words on my mind without realizing it. It gets the attention of both Maddie and Jules and that’s when I realize I’ve said anything at all. Cue swallowing down another sip of wine.
We’ve been here in Jules’s house helping her unpack for at least two hours now, and everyone’s been kind enough to not only not ask about what’s going on between Evan and me, but to not treat me like I’m some wounded animal either.
That’s what friends are for, although the girls do seem to be walking on eggshells around me. I’m grateful, but I need to talk and have someone sift through this mess and give me a straight answer as to what I should do.
I roll my eyes at the thought. I’m a grown woman. I should know what to do and make the decision with certainty. But I’ve never felt so uncertain in my life.
“A distraction?” Jules questions, a little more pep in her tone than she’s had all night.
“That makes sense,” Maddie says and nods her head as she takes out a picture frame, wrapped in thick brown packing paper. She’s careful with it as she removes the wrapping and exposes the pristine silver frame. “Distractions are a good thing,” she adds with a small nod. “Sometimes.”
I don’t know what photo is already nestled inside of the frame, but whatever it is, it makes her smile. I can only imagine it’s a wedding photo … I lift the glass to my lips again.
“I can’t go home to the townhouse with all his things and our things and every reminder of everything …” Pausing to take in a lungful of air, I try to steady myself then add, “Let alone go to sleep in the same bed we’ve had together for forever.”
I stare at the artwork centered over Julia’s fireplace as I talk.
The crinkling of the packaging paper is all the response I get from the other side of the expansive room. It’s so loud that I’m not sure anyone but Maddie even heard me. We’ve been working in relative silence save for the soft sound of music flowing from the kitchen behind us.
“We should go on a girls’ trip,” I offer up and look over my shoulder at Maddie. I shift in my seat and wait for her to meet my gaze.
“Hell yeah,” she answers without hesitation. “What does the newlywed think?” Maddie asks and instantly Jules brightens.
She shrugs as if the word newlywed didn’t make her day and puts the attention back on me as she says, “I’m happy to do whatever you want, Kat.
” I hate that Jules is holding back. Every response from her tonight seems muted.
She’s happy and she knows I’m not. She’s a newlywed and my marriage is falling apart.
I get it, but she should be happy. She doesn’t have to hold back her joy because I’m falling apart.
“You’re glowing,” I tell her and wait for a response to the compliment, feeling guilty that I haven’t said it sooner.
My chest feels tight and I shift into a cross-legged position on the plush carpet as I grab a plastic bottle of water, drinking it down slowly even though it’s room temperature now.
The sweeping room of this new build is ridiculous.
The entire house still smells of fresh paint.
I can imagine they spent several million on it and the movers did most of the work carrying in all the heavy furniture.
Jules didn’t trust them with these boxes, though.
Maddie quirks an eyebrow. “You already make a baby?” she asks Jules, her tone devious. I can’t help that my brow raises comically.
“Oh my God, Jules, are you pregnant?” I pile on and Maddie snickers as Jules pulls her tawny hair back and rolls her eyes.
“Shut up,” Jules says playfully and then goes to the granite counter behind us and makes a show of drinking from her glass of wine. Her simple yet chic rose dress flutters as she waves her glass in the air. She’s the epitome of an upper-class socialite.
We exchange amused looks, waiting for her to reply with a straight yes or no.
“Not yet,” Jules finally answers.
“Yet!” Maddie practically shrieks. “First comes love, then comes marriage?—”
“Then comes a new home and a fresh start,” Jules says, cutting her off and Sue laughs from her spot in the corner of the living room where she’s been silent all night. Something’s definitely gotten to Sue too.
Although maybe it’s me, maybe I’m why everyone seems off.
“House first, then the baby,” Jules states and then switches the song playing to something more upbeat and less sad. I agree with that decision wholeheartedly.
“Love your house,” Sue comments, not bothering to bring up the idea of a child. “Or is it technically a mansion?” she half jokes.
It’s grand and spacious and much more like Jules’s style than her new husband Mason’s previous home.
She got a deal on this property and the amount of space is making me regret buying a place so close to the park.
It reminds me how tiny our townhouse is.
At least compared to this. Location is everything and we paid handsomely for our little place.
This is also a family home, and I live in a townhouse that’s not meant for anything more than two people … potentially one child, but it would be cramped. I force my lips to stay in place and swallow down the frown and all the feelings threatening to come up.
Full circle I go, all day long. My thoughts always come back to Mason and what we had and everything we could still have.
With a bitter sigh I hope no one heard, I finish my water and get up to grab another drink, shimmying past the three opened boxes and paper sitting on the floor. I made this decision. I need to own up to it and deal with the consequences.
“I’m not sure I can do this girls’ trip,” Sue says seemingly out of nowhere. I’d nearly forgotten about the mention of a trip. I guess that’s how much it means to me.
“It’s just that work …” she adds and then pauses to chew the inside of her cheek. She braces herself on a polished wingback chair before rising and picking up her wineglass. “I’ve got a new boss and he’s a dick with a capital D. There’s no way he’s going to give me time off.”
“It’s not really his position to give it to you,” Maddie says skeptically. “Like, you earn your days. And we haven’t even set a date yet.” The aggressiveness in Maddie’s voice catches me off guard.
Sue stands, an empty glass in hand, meeting me at the small sink filled with ice and bottles of rosé and cabernet.
With a glass of wine in her right hand and a ball of packaging paper in her left, she strides past a very young and not at all familiar with the corporate world Maddie, and responds with certainty, “He’ll give me shit. ”
“So fuck him,” Maddie says, a little anger coming out. She doesn’t usually get worked up, so I’m taken aback. Everyone is off today … there must be something in the air.
“It’s fine, it was just a thought,” I say and try to smooth the tension flowing between the two of them. “You okay?” I direct my question at Maddie, who doesn’t seem to notice it’s for her, picking up her wineglass and throwing it back.
“I don’t want to set a bad precedent,” Sue states staring directly at Maddie, who refuses to look back at Suzette.
My gaze moves between the two of them and I’m only distracted by the loud clap behind me from Jules. “Who wants some charcuterie?” Jules says and we all turn slowly to see her lifting a tray of cut meats and cheese as if it’s the peace treaty between us.
Sue has the decency to laugh and the small moment of tension is immediately diffused.
I feel odd sitting in this room all of a sudden. Looking around the room, I’m surrounded by friends, but I feel alone. I take another sip of water. It’s all in my head, I’m more than aware of that, but it doesn’t change how I feel.
“Have you slept with him?” Jules regards me as she grabs a contraption from one of her drawers that she uses to uncork the wine bottles.
The kitchen is all white. White cabinets and a sleek white countertop.
The only color is in the ebony floorboards.
It’s luxurious and would be fitting for an editorial photoshoot.
Which I promptly told her the moment I stepped foot in this place. I am her agent after all.
“Who with who?” Maddie asks for clarification with a sly smile on her face.
“Is Sue sleeping with her boss?” Her question makes Suzette tense and stare back at Maddie with daggers.
But Maddie’s oblivious. The two of them should have their own show.
If it was up to me, they would and the ratings would be through the roof.
Maddie would probably go for it, Sue would never.
“Kat,” Jules answers and her tone is casual, not sympathetic or pushy, no motive apparent. “Have you slept with Evan since it all happened?” she asks again, but more directly and pops the cork from the bottle.
It fizzes as my face heats, knowing the other two women are looking at me, but I wait for Jules. The second she raises her eyes to mine, although it was only meant to be a glance, I nod my head.
I anticipate the scoff of disdain from Sue, the tilted head with a sympathetic look from Maddie, but I don’t know what to expect from Jules.
She shrugs her shoulders, the soft pink fabric slipping down and making her look that much thinner, that much more beautiful.
“Was it any good?” she asks and lifts the glass to her lips.
It’s dark red wine, the same color she wears on her lips.
It’s one thing I like about Jules; she’s nothing if not consistent.
Rolling my eyes, I wipe my face with my hand. It’s always good with Evan. “It was a mistake,” I tell her instead. My dismal tone immediately changes the mood and frustration flows through me.
“People make mistakes,” Jules says low, so low I almost didn’t hear her.
And then she looks at me and adds, “It happens.” She sounds so sad and I can’t help but to wonder what’s going on with her.
For just a moment, a short glimpse, there’s something there other than the perfect facade she always carries.
But the moment she registers that I can see it, the crack in her demeanor, she straightens her shoulders and takes in a heavy breath.
Silence passes and the only thing that can be heard is the rustling of paper as Maddie unwraps something.
Staring down into the newly poured glass of wine I realize I’ve never felt so alone and unwelcomed.
It’s not them, it’s me and my head, I know it is.
“I just don’t know what to do,” I say, speaking to all of them or none of them, it doesn’t matter, I just needed to say it.
“We slept together and I think it was a mistake … Because I kicked him out the next morning.” A groan leaves me, nearly comical, as I take a small sip but it’s not satisfying. Not nearly large enough either.
“You don’t need to decide right now,” Jules says easily. “There’s a lot to consider and talk about.” She nods her head as she talks, almost like she’s talking to herself.
“The thing is … I don’t know what I want, but I know he’ll convince me to stay with him.”
“Men have a way with words,” Sue chimes in, agreeing with me, and tips her glass in an air-cheers with me. “It’s called lying.”
I huff in agreement, opting for my water instead of more wine, as I watch Sue saunter over to the tray of cheese.
“I mean … not that he lied … he’s just …” Sue says softly and then clears her throat to add with a touch of sympathy, “I keep letting my shitty experience color my opinion. Sorry,” she says, looking me in the eyes. The sincerity there kills me.
“It’s fine. It’s called experience.”
“So you’re indecisive, and that makes sense.
You’re married. You love him. But you’re hurt.
” Maddie cuts through all the silence and unease like it’s so simple and easy to comprehend.
But it’s not. There’s a raging war of emotions inside of me.
I don’t know that I can trust my husband, and that alone is enough to end it and what pushed me to kick him out this morning.
Rather than confess about my lack of trust, I offer a partial truth. “I slept with him last night and then kicked him out this morning.” I shake my head realizing how awful that sounds, how crazy it seems.
“Sounds like a divorce to me,” Sue says and then fills her glass again. “I did it for years, Kat. Years of back and forth. Forgiving but not forgetting.” Her slender fingers play on the stem of the glass. “Wish I had those years back.”
The need to defend Evan overrides my common sense. “I don’t know what I did that pushed him away.” Even as I say the words, I know that’s not true. I let distance grow between us. I ignored him in favor of my career.
“Nothing, it’s not you. It’s not your fault.” Sue’s words are hard, with no negotiation allowed. So I don’t correct her.
Maddie adds in, ever comforting, “It’s not your fault in the least. Don’t let him make you feel that way.”
They don’t understand. They just don’t get it.
“What if?—”
Sue cuts me off to say, “If you want to sleep with him, do it. Want to kick him out, do it. Want to hurl something at his head … maybe don’t because that’s assault.
” Her joke forces a bark of a laugh from me and a snicker from Jules.
Her glass setting down on the counter offers a clink and she adds, “Yes please, for the love of all things holy don’t make us come bail you out. ”
“You would, though,” I say and cock a brow, knowing any of the three of these women would bail me out in a heartbeat.
“It’s whatever you want,” Maddie continues and Jules and Sue both nod.
“You can be friends with benefits if that’s what you want, fuck buddies, you can use him for revenge sex.
I don’t think any of us have any answers other than we’re here for you.
” She side-eyes Sue and adds, “Although Sue is cockblocking our girls’ trip. ”
“Oh my Lord, someone … get her,” Sue groans and Jules and I laugh while Maddie purses her lips and tosses a balled-up bit of paper at Sue’s back.
It doesn’t reach, but the comic relief helps to calm all the nerves I’ve been feeling.
Most of them, anyway. There’s still a little flutter in the pit of my stomach.
“We’ll plan a girls’ trip,” Jules states as if it’s a fact. “It just might be a bit, but we will make this happen and it’ll be great for you to get out.”
“I think it will be fun, and I’ll figure out how to make it work,” Sue says all the while staring at Maddie who finally smiles.
“Yes. Girls’ trip and fuck or dump whomever we want … Except Jules. Because she might be pregnant.”
I nearly choke on my wine at that thought.