Chapter 19
Kat
I t’s a heavy, sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. It rocks back and forth, making you queasy and your body can’t sit still. That’s what it feels like when you know you’re about to hurt someone.
At least that’s how it feels right now.
I don’t need anyone at all and I don’t want anyone either. Maybe I’m proving it to myself, or maybe to Evan. I don’t care which.
My pulse quickens, and I try to swallow the spiked ball in my throat when I hear the bell at the front of the café.
Jacob smiles sweetly with genuine happiness as he strolls over to the table, letting his jacket slip off his shoulders. I’m going to miss that charming grin he has. I’ll miss the comfort his presence brings more.
“One more nice day before winter comes in,” he says easily. It’s felt like winter for weeks now to me, but he’s from farther up north, so I suppose it hasn’t been as brutal to him as it’s seemed to me.
“One more nice day,” I repeat, nodding my head at the ceramic mug on the table. I have to force the smile to stay on my face, but it doesn’t fool Jacob.
“What’s wrong?” he asks me, not touching the mug of chai already waiting for him.
I hate that I get choked up. It’s stupid really. Childish and I’m far too grown for little kid games.
It was just friends, then just a kiss.
But it never should have been anything.
“Nothing,” I answer and shake my head slightly then pick up the mug. Jake’s face falls, but he still tries to cheer me up.
“So, I never got your answer about the movies tomorrow night.” He’s quick to change the topic, gracing me with that ever-present kind smile. “I heard it’s going to be good.”
My mug clinks on the small saucer as he adds, “I love coffee shops and all, but it’d be nice to do something more.”
More.
It would be. I can see it. I can feel it. If my heart didn’t belong to someone else, I could see Jacob being so much more. Well, not only that. I’m going to be a mother. My priorities have nothing to do with dating or starting anything new that doesn’t involve the little life I’m carrying.
“I have to tell you something.” I get the words out before I change my mind and swallow them. Before I give in to getting over Evan by getting under another man.
Jacob visibly winces then scratches the side of his neck as he looks to the right. “That doesn’t sound so good.”
“I kind of lied to you,” I confess, feeling a viselike grip on my heart.
“You’re not separated?” he says.
“No, we are. But I don’t want to be.”
“You still love him. I know you do.”
“There’s more,” I continue, not daring to look him in the eyes, and hesitate.
“Just tell me,” he urges me as if this is going to be easy, moving his hand to mine, and I stare down at where his skin touches mine. It’s gentle, kind. It’s the comfort I desperately need. But I can’t be expected to always have someone to lean on. More than that, I want to stand on my own.
“I’m pregnant,” I tell him and the only reaction I get is that his brow raises just slightly. It’s comical really, and the small movement forces the corners of my lips up. I’d laugh if my heart didn’t hurt as much as it does.
“ That , I didn’t see coming,” he responds, keeping a small bit of humor in his voice. Slowly, he pulls his hand away but keeps it on the tabletop. I notice the absence of his touch instantly, though.
“Not far along?” I shake my head no at his question, feeling the end of my ponytail swish around my shoulders. “How long have you known?”
“A while,” I answer honestly.
“So that’s the lie?”
“Yeah … I’m sorry. I never should have kept that from you.”
“Don’t be,” he tells me and waves it off, as if it’s no big deal.
“I knew better. It was just …” I trail off and swallow my words, staring at a stain on the table. One that will never go away.
“It was nice being okay with someone. Right?”
I chance a peek up into his eyes. There’s nothing but understanding there. “Yeah,” I answer him and chew on my bottom lip. “I wanted to pretend to be okay for a little bit.”
“Well it’s not pretend,” he continues and adjusts in his seat. “You can be okay if you want to.” It’s hard to hold his gaze as he brings his hand back to mine.
“Does he know?” I answer his question with a nod, my throat too tight to speak.
“And he …?” he starts to ask, but doesn’t finish the obvious question.
“Says he’s happy but he’s still not with me. He’s not committing and carrying on like he was. I want him, but I need him with me and he’s not …” I’m ashamed of the answer.
It’s quiet for a short moment. The ceramic mug in my hand slides against the wooden table and it’s the only noise to be heard.
The itch in my throat matches the prick behind my eyes.
I’ve cried enough over all this. It’s been weeks and this is simply how it is.
With a sip of my peppermint tea, I accept it.
“So, do you want to go to the movies?” Jacob asks then picks up his mug. “I’d still like to go if you would.”
My heart does this little flutter, a quick flicker of warmth that lets me know it’s still there. It’s gratitude and I think that’s all I could give anyone else. It’s all I’m willing to do.
I shake my head, once again, and give him a sad smile.
“I had to ask. I think it would’ve been good,” he tells me, forcing a smile then covering his disappointment by taking a large sip of the chai.
“You going to be okay?”
I shrug, honestly unsure of whether I’ll ever be okay. “Some people are meant to be alone.” Or waiting for a love that may never come back.
“You sound like me,” he comments with a huff of humor that doesn’t reach his eyes and then he takes a deep, heavy breath. “Gets tiresome, though.”
“A story for another time perhaps?”
“I think it’s the same story mostly, with only one big difference.”
“What’s that?”
“I think Evan may love you back, just like you love him. Whether or not he deserves it … well, that’s a matter of opinion, I guess.” I can’t respond and instead, I let my gaze wander back to the stain on the table. “It wasn’t the same for me. It was very much one sided.”
“I’m so sorry, Jake.” It’s all I can respond and I genuinely am.
“Don’t be,” he says easily. “Fate puts people in our life for a reason.” He takes a steadying breath before saying, “And now I know it’s possible.”
“What’s possible?” For a moment I worry that he thinks the two of us being together is still an option when it’s not at all for me.
“Not this like you and me,” he says, rushing out the words as if hearing my unspoken thought. “Trust me, I wish it were. But I meant … just that there could be someone else for me.”
“You could always write the story. Although I doubt you’d want me to be your agent, huh?”
“No … I don’t think that would work really,” he says with the same sad smile on his face that I’ve been giving him.
“Maybe we could still be friends?”
“I don’t think that’s for the best, Kat. I can’t just be friends with you.”
My hair tickles my shoulders as I nod and reach for my coat to leave.
My movements are sluggish; I don’t want this to be the last goodbye.
But it is. I know it. I barely touched my drink and didn’t have anything to eat, but that’s okay.
I knew I wouldn’t anyway. Morning sickness has been rough this week so it’s not like I’d be able to keep it down anyway.
“How about this,” Jacob offers as I pull my wool coat tight around my shoulders. “You call me if you’re ever not okay and want more. But I won’t call you or text you again. It’s in your hands.”
“I’m sorry, Jake.” I say the words, but they don’t even make a dent in expressing what I feel.
“Stop being sorry. Do that one thing for me, will you?” he questions, his dark green, hazel eyes shining back just like they did the first moment I met him, and I merely nod and say my goodbye.
Every step back to my townhouse, I want to go back.
Every breath, I wish I could tell him that what he did for me, I can never repay, and I’ll be forever thankful for that.
But neither of those things happen. I walk back to my townhouse alone and the first thing I do when I get home is delete his emails and his number.
I don’t want to have the option to run back to him.
Jacob is a good man, but he’s not for me. I don’t need someone else to love me. I need to learn to love being alone again. So I can be whole for my child. So I can be a good mother.
Diary Entry Five
Dear Mom,
It’s not so bad being alone. I’m not really alone, alone. Not with this baby growing, but I can’t feel him or her yet. I still talk to him, though. I think it’s a boy, but I won’t know for weeks.
Like I said, though, I think it’s going to be all right being alone for now. I remember having that same thought for a while after you guys left me. I know it’s not your fault.
I just can’t stand to think of needing someone. Not when it hurts so freaking bad when they leave you. Did you see what Evan did? I gave him that power and that’s my fault. I won’t do it again.
I should have known better.
If you could just remind me, maybe? The next time he comes around and says he wants me and that he loves me, can you give me a sign? Something that will remind me that he’s just going to leave me again and how much that will hurt?
People don’t change, and some people are meant to be alone.
I promise I’ll be okay from now on, Mom.
I just forgot that I’m one of those people. But I remember now. I won’t forget again.