Chapter 22
Evan
S he took off her wedding ring today.
I watched on a tiny-ass security monitor as she slipped it off and held it between her fingers. Miles away with the sins of the city between us, all I could do was watch her stare at it, as if wishing it would answer some unspoken question for her.
I hold my breath as I quietly open the door.
Kat didn’t change the locks like she threatened to do, but that wouldn’t have stopped me anyway.
This is the point that I’ve truly gone crazy and I know it.
She’s set boundaries and I don’t give a shit about them.
It’s the first time in my life that’s happened, but losing the woman you love will do that to a man.
Watching her walk away when you know she loves you and you love her; it’s a torture that’s immeasurable and the destruction it leaves is irrefutable.
One slow step in, and not the faintest of sounds. The front door to the townhouse closes behind me softly. She’ll forgive me one day. I’ll hate myself forever if I stayed away.
Maybe I should have called, maybe I should have announced myself, but it’s my home. She’s my wife and this is where I belong.
I can accept that now. If I can keep secrets, so can Kat. I swallow thickly, closing my eyes and hating myself as I lock the front door. She better be able to.
I’m a desperate man. If anything happens to her, I’ll end it. I already know that. But I’m so fucking weak that I’m risking it. If only she can keep a secret, we’ll be all right.
My head whips around to the sound of the microwave beeping in the kitchen.
Beep , beep , beep followed by the click of the microwave being opened and a soft hum of satisfaction.
Kat. My love.
She’s only a room away, and knowing what I’m about to do makes my heart race as I find it hard to swallow.
My body doesn’t wait for me. My feet move on their own, pushing me closer to her. I need to see her, even if she doesn’t see me. I can’t explain why it needs to be in person.
The only light in the townhouse that’s on is the kitchen light. It’s early morning and I wasn’t planning on her being awake.
Maybe the fact she’s awake is a sign. A sign that I can’t be a coward any longer.
That’s what a man who waits in the shadows is. That’s what a man who hurts his wife is. A fucking coward.
Stalking into the kitchen, I expect her to see me, but her back is turned as she stirs something in a bowl then slips it into the microwave, still humming something. It takes me a moment to realize it’s a lullaby.
In nothing but a thin cotton sleep shirt, she tempts me.
Fuck, I’ve missed this view. When she raises her arms, the T-shirt she has on slips up past her thighs and gives me the smallest peek of her cheeks.
I almost groan from primal deprivation. It feels like forever since I’ve held her, laid her in bed and enjoyed her in every way possible.
“Kat.” I say her name softly as the microwave starts and she whips around, backing into the cabinets with her hand on her chest.
“Sorry,” I say and there’s not a single second of hesitation when I apologize. “I know you said not to come … I just …”
I can see the outline of her breasts through the shirt and with her dark brunette hair a mess from sleep, she’s never looked more beautiful. More fuckable. More mine .
“You scared the shit out of me,” Kat whispers after a second, breathless.
“I’m sorry,” I repeat. “I didn’t mean to.” I take a chance to move closer but stop at the kitchen counter. Boundaries. I’ve already broken so many of them. It’s hard to keep my distance, but I’ll wait.
“What are you doing here?” The microwave beeps and she rips the door open without taking the bowl out then slams it shut. Merely silencing it before crossing her arms over her chest.
I cock a brow at her anger, but she doesn’t react.
“I brought these.” Slipping my hand into my jacket pocket, I pull out the pair of baby shoes I got from home.
They’re the same pair I wore when I was little.
Smooth leather and simple, but before me, they were my father’s.
I found them in a box in Pops’s basement.
Ma put them there. It’s her handwriting.
Kat pinches the bridge of her nose and turns her shoulder to me, hiding her expression, but I saw it. The sweep of sadness cuts me to my core.
“Baby?” I whisper softly, cautiously even. “I?—”
“What are you doing?” she says, cutting me off as she stares daggers in my direction.
“I know you’re angry.” My tone is placating, but it does nothing to soothe her.
“Angry doesn’t even begin to cover it.”
A second passes, followed by another as I struggle to form the right words. “I have faith you’ll forgive me,” I tell her with feigned confidence.
“Fuck off,” she spits out.
“Because you love me. And you know I love you.”
“You love me?” she questions with a deep scowl. Storming toward me, she sticks her finger in my chest as she yells. “This is what love is?” She shoves me back and I take it, loving the fight in her. But it doesn’t last long.
“Your father died, and I had to be alone.” She murmurs the truth I already know and takes a step back. “You chose to be alone,” she whispers. She tries turning from me again, but I grip her waist.
“I didn’t want it to be like that. I swear to you.
” Bringing up my pops hits me hard. I keep forgetting and that’s how I want it to be.
I keep thinking he’ll call or text. I keep thinking when all this is over, we’ll have dinner together on Sundays again.
I hate it when I remember he’s not here anymore.
I can’t handle losing them both at once.
“I’m not all right.” I whisper the truth to her as something pricks at the back of my eyes. “I’m sorry.” Sincerity is there, but I don’t know that she can hear it anymore. The feeling of worthlessness washes over me.
“Sorry doesn’t cut it.” She takes in a deep breath meant to steady her, but it seems to do the opposite.
“You know what loving you means?” I ask her, raising my voice. “It means protecting you.”
“You can take all those words and?—”
“They’re in my vows,” I say, heaving out the words as I interrupt her, my emotions rising and the thought of losing Kat forever becoming more and more real. “Protecting you is in my vows.”
“Don’t talk to me about vows.” I’ve never seen her so angry. The look in her eyes is pure hate mixed with mourning.
“Come here,” I tell her and her eyes narrow.
She tilts her head to the side and looks at me as if I’ve lost my mind. My heart feels like it does a somersault, a painful flip in my chest as she says, “Don’t tell me what to do.”
“The only reason I’ve been gone is that being seen with you would put you in danger.” I hate myself the moment the confession slips out. Weak. I’m so fucking weak. I need to be a better man for her, but I’ve never been good enough and we both know that.
Kat’s silent, but her expression is unchanged.
With a hesitant step forward and my hands held out to her, I add, “I had to do it.”
“You don’t have to do a damn thing but breathe,” she finally responds, her voice hollow, the devastation I’ve caused ringing out clearly.
“I was only trying to keep you safe.” I say the words quietly as the sight of Kat in front of me becomes more of a reality than my fear ever was.
She hates me. I’ve made my wife hate me. Pain ricochets through every piece of me.
“Well, thank you for that,” she answers sarcastically with tears in her eyes as she shakes her head.
“I swear.” I feel tears prick my eyes as I fall to my knees in front of her. I’m not in control anymore. I’m not in control of a damn thing and purely at her mercy. “I’m here right now because I can’t stay away any longer.” My heart crumples at the words that I choke on.
Kat takes a small step back, brushing against the counter as she does, and I wish I still had a grip on her.
I murmur my apology. “I didn’t know it would take this long. I’m sorry. I fucked up. Repeatedly and I’m trying, but I’m failing.”
“Didn’t know what would take this long?” she asks, crossing her arms and refusing to look into my eyes, but she’s full of emotion and on edge waiting for me to open up to her.
I know her, and I know that’s exactly what this is.
That’s what made her fall in love with me.
I swallow the thick lump in my throat and pray I’m not making a mistake.
“I’m …” I can hardly breathe as the words threatening , investigating , framing get caught in my throat.
“Tell me, Evan.” Kat licks her lower lip and stares down at me with tired eyes.
“I’ve had enough and I’m over the secrets and the lies.
I’m over this,” she says and gestures between us although as she does, her expression morphs into pain.
“What was so important that it had to be done to protect me?”
“It’s going to sound crazy,” I warn her, staring up at her from where I am as the dawn slips in through the windows, playing with the shadows on her gorgeous face.
“It already does.”
“James is the one who’s responsible for Tony’s death.” I confess still on my knees, although I let go of her. I hate myself for telling her and bringing her into this, and I almost don’t say another word.
“He was trying to kill me, not Tony.” My throat is dry and scratchy as the words slowly leave me and I rise to stand, feeling the weight of it all rain down on me. “And he knows I know.”
Denial forces Kat to shake her head, a crease settling between her brow. It’s a small motion of disbelief, but she doesn’t speak as she drops her arms, listening.
“It’s because of his divorce. He wants Samantha scared and he wanted to prove he’d do anything. So he tried to kill me, thinking I’d do a line of it. It backfired.”
Her mouth opens and closes, but she still says nothing. A lightness carries me forward, knowing she’s listening. At the very least, she’s listening.
Please believe me. “I’ve been tracking his schedule and routines, breaking into his house and office looking for evidence or something that can prove it.”