Chapter 23
Kat
“ T alk to me,” Evan says again, and I want to. God, I do, but there’s so much to say.
“You want to hear what I’ve been wanting to tell you for weeks?” I ask and even to my own ears, I sound like I’ve lost it.
“Kat, you?—”
I don’t care what he has to say, I’m going to lay it all out there for him and he can decide what he wants to do with it.
I have a plan, I have needs. Either he’s in, or he’s out.
I’ll accept either; I’m willing to give it a chance.
There’s only so much that’s left of me, though, and he needs to be very aware of that.
“I’m exasperated. Just because you said sorry doesn’t take away everything.
It doesn’t make it all just fine and back to normal.
I’m still … feeling .” The spiraling that’s come over me day in and day out threatens to take me over now, and I let it happen.
“I feel like someone’s run over my body with a truck and then backed up.
My hips and back hurt. I can’t sleep. And that’s just the pregnancy.
” With a deep inhale, I continue before he can interrupt me.
“You know, the baby you put in me? That’s still happening and by the way, pregnancy doesn’t just pause because things have been insane.
So, I’m dealing with hormones, and I cry way too much for no reason.
I feel sick and I can’t sleep. I’m paranoid and I’m so damn alone that I’ve truly been scared.
I feel crazy and I don’t even know what part of this is normal and what part isn’t.
” The words leave me in a fluid mix of emotions.
Like a purge of everything I’ve been feeling, piling up until it drowned me.
With a shuddering breath, I attempt to calm myself, not knowing how he’ll take any of it and very much aware I’m an absolute mess.
After a moment, he speaks. “I want to hold you,” is all he says.
I’m caught, shaken and uncertain as I stand in front of him in nothing but a T-shirt in our kitchen.
My God do I want him, but murder? People trying to kill him?
I can barely handle normal life. “I want to make all the pain go away; I’ll take it from you.
I promise,” he says in a deep cadence that washes a sense of calm over it all.
Evan slips closer to me, wrapping a hand around my waist and I can feel myself falling back into the same trap.
Because he does that to me. He makes the pain go away and he makes it so easy to give in.
“Stop,” I say, pleading with him. “It’s like history repeating itself.
” My body and my thoughts are at war with each other.
I’m brought back to every kiss we’ve had, every time he’s held my hand, every heated moment that’s left me consumed.
The world is nothing without him in it and I know it, mind, body and soul.
“It’s not,” Evan says matter-of-factly to me, his voice begging me and my body persuading me to once again fall into his arms. Which is right where I want to be. The very thought tugs at every string wrapped around my battered heart.
“We have a baby coming and I can’t put this baby through what we’ve been going through, Evan,” I say, admitting my fears to him. If only he knew how much it hurt. “I’m afraid every time I cry the baby can feel it. I terrified I’m hurting him already.” As I say the words, tears prick my eyes.
“Him?” Evan asks. “You think we’re having a boy?” The shine in his eyes is of pure devotion. That’s how he breaks me down. By truly loving me.
“Don’t change the subject,” I warn him although it warms my heart and I can’t help but feel it resonate. “I want you, Evan. But I want you here with me, and committed to me and this baby.”
“I know,” he says. “I love you, Kat. I love you with everything in me and I won’t stop proving that to you every day for the rest of our lives.”
Even though he’s saying all the right things and I love it, I have to be honest. “I swear I can’t take it anymore.”
“Never again. I can’t stand not being with you,” he tells me, and my body succumbs to a warmth that’s been there all along, waiting just beneath the surface.
He pulls me into his arms and I let him.
Even more, I grip onto his shirt as he wraps his muscular arms around me and I breathe in his scent of fresh forest after rain.
This is home. This is what feeling complete feels like.
I’m so very aware of everything he said only moments ago.
The threats and danger are legitimate, but it all comes with him.
I can keep a secret. I’ll do whatever I have to if it means I get to have Evan completely.
My eyes shut tight, willing the unwanted thoughts away as Evan whispers just beneath the shell of my ear, “I want to make it all better.” He’s so close that my hair tickles my neck as it moves gently with his breath.
He says the right words. He’s always been good at that.
He lowers his lips to the sensitive part of my neck. “I only want to love you, and have you love me back.”
My poor heart has barely survived all this time without him, but it rages now, pounding against my rib cage. I suppose it’s only beating still because it hasn’t belonged to me in years. It’s always been his.
I nod my head and look down at his chest, inhaling his scent I’ve missed for so long, feeling his touch I’ve been craving.
“You’re still wearing your jacket,” I comment softly as I run the tips of my fingers down the zipper. I lift my gaze to his dark eyes, swirling with desire. “Take it off.”
I bite my lower lip then take half a step back as he keeps his eyes on mine and slips his jacket down his arms.
“Your shirt,” I say in a breathy voice and in an instant, he tugs it over his head then carelessly drops it to the floor. The fabric puddles at his feet. He closes the space between us as desire spikes in my blood. Like the first night I saw him, knowing he was trouble, yet I can’t resist.
“What now?” Evan asks, moving his pointer finger to the bottom of the cotton T-shirt and slipping it upward, tugging ever so gently until he reaches the peaks of my breasts.
He closes his fingers around my nipples with a slight pinch and then tugs.
Gasping, I let my head fall back. The sensation is directly linked to my clit and it forces me to part my lips with a soft moan. “What now, baby?”
“Mmm,” I manage, and that’s all I can offer as lust clouds my judgment. I missed this. I missed him. Such a small touch and yet it feels all-consuming.
“How about this?” Evan suggests and then he unbuckles his belt. The sound of his pants being unzipped fills the small kitchen and my body aches to reach out to him.
His pants fall to the floor and he pushes his boxers down with them, stepping out of them and exposing his already hard cock. Every nerve ending in my body lights just seeing him bared to me. Knowing how much pleasure he can and will give to me.
A rough chuckle distracts me from focusing on his erection and I look into his eyes.
“You still want me?” he asks and it’s only then that my cheeks warm with a blush. My body sways slightly. I murmur my answer. “Always.”
Evan runs the same pointer finger along my upper thigh past my panties and traces the center seam of the cotton, brushing my throbbing clit and sending sparks of heated pleasure through my body. My body leans forward, my hands gripping onto his corded forearms.
“I will never risk making you unhappy again. I promise,” he says. My head is so dizzy with desire, I can only moan in response.
“Tell me,” he says as he slides his fingers under the thin fabric and runs them along my hot core.
He pushes against my clit with just the right amount of pressure then nearly slips into me as he runs his fingers back down.
My hands fly up to his chest, gripping onto him for balance as my toes curl and my body begs me to ride his fingers.
“Tell me,” he repeats then stops. My heavy-lidded eyes open, and I pull back to object. “Tell me you still want me.”
“I still want you,” I whisper without hesitation; the words rush out of my lips with need and desperation. Before the last word is even spoken, Evan splays his hand on my lower back and pulls me closer to him, forcing my chest against his.
“Fuck, you’re so wet,” he groans in the crook of my neck as he forces two fingers deep inside of me. I cry out in pleasure, clinging to him as the sensation nearly topples me.
“Evan.” I moan out his name, but he doesn’t answer as the pleasure builds. It’s been so long but I don’t remember it ever being like this.
It’s so intense, so overwhelming that I know I can’t remain standing for this.
“Evan,” I plead for him to understand, but my head flies back and strangled moans fill the air, both from him and from me as I find my release on his fingers.
My body buckles and shakes as the orgasm rocks through me. I’m paralyzed as Evan moves me to the counter. It’s cold and hard, and I lean against it for balance as slow waves mercilessly continue to flow through my body.
“And your shirt?” Evan asks me as if I didn’t just experience the strongest orgasm of my life.
I grip the counter tightly while I catch my breath, staring at him.
“I want it off,” he commands and with my back to his chest, he tugs the shirt off me.
My body sways easily, caving to his every whim.
“And these,” he tells me, pushing his hand back down my panties.
I’m trapped with my back to his front and his strong arm pinning me to him, his other hand on my hip, keeping me still.
My fingers clutch at his wrist and my blunt nails dig into his flesh as he strums my sensitive clit.
“Evan.” His name is a plea as my body falls forward, and I struggle to take more.
He’s not gentle with his strokes in the least. And I love it. My nipples pebble and my body goes weak with a numbing, blinding intensity.
The pleasure stirs deep in my belly, but like a flame it grows hotter and hotter, warming me and threatening just the same.
It’s only when I come again that Evan slowly pulls my panties from me, leaving them by my feet. I’m not blind to the fact that they’re damp with my desire.
Evan moves his hard erection between my thighs and I widen my stance slightly.
He kisses my ear as he runs the head of his dick up and down my folds.
A shiver runs through my body. Every inch is covered with a heated pleasure so sensitive to touch, that I shudder from just his hot breath on my neck.
“I love you, Kat,” Evan whispers as he pushes himself deep inside of me. Slowly, stretching my walls. My head falls back onto his shoulder as he wraps his arm in front of me, holding me to him. He reaches up and grabs my throat.
Buried deep inside of me, he whispers, “Tell me you love me.”
“Always,” I say and the word slips out easily, my eyes still closed. I slowly open them to see Evan’s expression. I’m struck by the intensity of his gaze. The need, the desire, the possession. “Say the words,” he commands.
“I’ll always love you,” I tell him softly, the words barely audible.
He crushes his lips against mine as he bucks his hips. The sudden spike of near pain makes me push my head back and scratch along his forearm. He doesn’t stop pounding into me, letting the pleasure build.
He pistons his hips relentlessly, each thrust forcing a pleasured groan from me. I try not to make too much noise, I try to be quiet, but I can’t.
I come again and again, each climax feeling more intense than the last. Evan’s ravenous as he kisses me. He doesn’t stop his hands roaming over my body. He doesn’t stop until I have nothing left, and only then does he bury himself in me to the hilt and find his own release.
Diary Entry Seven
Mom,
I think I’ve lost my mind.
Evan’s like a tornado in my life.
That’s not news to you, but I think that’s how I want it. Crazy and reckless, but deeply rooted and unstoppable.
I’m ready to fight for him, Mom. For us. I’m eager to, even.
I love him. I love what he does to me when he’s with me.
Mom, I’m afraid you’d be ashamed of me if you were still here. That’s the only part that hurts.
But believe me when I tell you that I love him and in all his fucked-upness, he loves me.
That hole I was telling you about before? It’s the one that came when you left, but it’s not there when Evan’s with me.
I think he has a hole in his heart too, Mom.
And I think I’m the only one that can fill it.
I told you I’ve gone crazy, haven’t I?
Maybe it’s not the worst thing in the world, though. I don’t know. I don’t think I care about it much anymore. So long as I keep Evan close to me.
I hope I make you proud. And if not, I’m sorry, Mom. I didn’t choose this, but I choose him. I want to see it through.