Chapter 26
I knew it was the right thing to do, but I was struggling with committing to the task. After my actions last night, I couldn't deny what that orb of light in my chest meant. That was where Knovah lived. I don't know when she planted it, but now it was a full-blown garden, and there was nothing I could do about it except get rid of her. Setting her free was what she deserved. A man like me had no true place in her life. I knew that, but it didn't make my decision any easier.
I sighed and stood up. The wind felt good against my skin as I walked to the edge of the terrace and looked over the balcony. The city was busy with people coming and going only God knows where. I felt the warm rays of the sun, but it did nothing to truly warm me up. Nothing except being cuddled up with Knovah would.
Deciding to stop putting it off, I walked toward the sliding door and let myself back inside. I made the quick walk to the guest bedroom and knocked gently. "Hey, can I talk to you, please? It's important."
At first, there was no response. Eventually, I heard her slippers scraping across the floor, growing louder the closer she got to the door. I hated the sight of her swollen red eyes when she finally snatched the door open. She remained silent as she folded her arms over her chest.
I ran my fingers over my braids and shook my head. Noonie was literally the girl of my dreams, and I couldn't even have her. "I wanted you to know I'm letting you go. Your debt is paid in full." Noonie's mouth fell open in surprise. "I will give you money to help you get back on your feet."
She eased closer to me. "What? Why?" Unable to handle the sincerity on her face, I turned to walk away, but she grabbed my hand to stop me. "Stop fucking running and talk to me. Why do you keep doing this? Why do you keep pushing me away?"
"Because you deserve better than me!" I exploded, speaking a little louder than I intended to. With a shake of my head, I dropped my chin to my chest. When I got my emotions in check, I looked at her. "You see the kind of man I am, Knovah. This ain't what you want."
She scoffed. "I know the kind of man you pretend to be, but I also know the real you. Since being here, I've got to experience him, and he's perfect."
"I will only hurt you. I leave people in pain wherever I go."
She shook her head, refusing to accept my answer. "No, you bring healing too. Look at the way you look after Bria. If you were such a terrible man, you wouldn't give a fuck about her or even me."
I froze, trying to steady my breathing, but I had no control. "I don't give a fuck about you. That's what I keep trying to tell you."
I turned to walk away, but Noonie was right on my heels. She pushed me hard in my back. "That's a lie, and we both know it. Stop fighting this, JaSire. It's obvious we're supposed to be together."
I laughed solemnly. "Now, how did your delusional ass come to that conclusion?"
She marched around me to stand in front of me. "I know you don't think it's a coincidence I ended up in your life. You could've sent me to the ho house and thought nothing else of it, but no, for some reason, you invited me into your home. Sure, you trapped me here for months, but I believe it's because we were supposed to get to know each other. I know the real reason you're pushing me away is because you still feel the guilt of Clea's death."
I tensed up at hearing my sister's name falling from her lips.
Noonie stepped closer to me and took my hands in hers. "You deserve to move on, Sire. You deserve happiness. You have to let that pain go."
I shook my head. "The pain is all I have to remember her by."
"That's not true. It's just suffocating the love that's still there and the memories you two shared that you still cherish to this day. The only way you're going to let me in is if you forgive yourself. It's time to let the weight go." I didn't even realize I was crying until her soft fingertips began to wipe them away. "I understand what you're going through, which is why God sent me here. It's time to let the pain go."
I gripped Noonie's neck, needing to feel her more than ever before. Everything she said made so much sense to me, but could I really let the pain go? The guilt? It had become a part of me since the day my sister took her last breath.
I thought it would be impossible to release, but something Noonie said really stuck with me. I wasn't allowing Clea's memory to live through me because the shame made me bury her existence in a way. Thinking about her was to feel pain. Could a day come where I thought of her and smiled instead of feeling like I could snatch someone's head clean off their body?
I sighed, knowing if I was ever going to have something real, I had to deal with the things that made me push away everything good, like the girl standing in front of me, genuinely concerned about my well-being after I mistreated her.
"I don't deserve you, Knovah."
"You do. You made a mistake last night, and I know why. If I can forgive you, then you can forgive yourself."
I pulled her face to me, unable to resist the urge to kiss her. I knew she was right. I kissed her so passionately you'd think I was trying to crawl into her mouth. When I finally released her, I laid my forehead on top of hers.
"You're right," I finally admitted. "But I'm not the only one that's walking around with the weight of guilt on their shoulders. If I'm to forgive myself and allow happiness in, then you have to do the same."