Chapter Seventeen #2
Panic attacks have never been fun, but it’s been a while since the last one, and I hate how familiar the aftermath feels.
I’m wrung out and shaky. My nerves scraped raw.
I know myself too well. If I go back to my room, I’ll either sleep for twelve hours straight to avoid facing Aksel, or I’ll do something reckless.
Like crawl into Aksel’s arms and ask him to make me forget about everything for a while.
Am I making my own decisions, or is my omega tugging the reins?
Is it fear dressed up as self-preservation?
Am I doomed to repeat my parents’ mistakes?
Losing myself the way my mother did, shrinking, adapting, and bending herself around an alpha the moment she became less important than the drugs he shot into his system.
I know Aksel cares now.
But how long does now last?
“Okay,” Eric says gently. “I can practically hear the gears grinding in your skull. We don’t have to go to your room.
” He perks up slightly. “How about that all-you-can-eat seafood place we read about? That feels like a nice and aggressively touristy distraction from whatever you’re thinking about. ”
He’s using his I’m speaking to someone whose brain has temporarily left the building voice, and honestly? I don’t mind. I need someone else to make decisions for me before I short-circuit completely.
So, I nod.
He takes that as permission to shepherd me out of the bathroom, through the lobby, and into a cab without another word. Everything is a blur until we’re seated at a massive buffet. The air thick with the smell of butter and garlic.
He lets me get away without speaking until we’ve both demolished our first plates of crab legs.
The shells pile up, my fingers slick with melted butter, the lemon burning the micro cuts from cracking the crab open without a tool.
When he returns with his second plate loaded down with lobster tails and scallops, he gestures at me lazily.
“Please,” he says flatly, “continue freaking out.”
That finally gets a small chuckle out of me. He shoves an entire lobster tail in his mouth like a feral raccoon, his cheeks bulging, and something in my chest loosens.
This is why I love him.
Even when I’m spiraling, he refuses to let me treat myself like a tragedy. He has a way of putting the world in a different perspective.
“I wasn’t-,” I start, but his annoyed groan cuts me off.
“Do not lie to me right now, Hale Rongo Aka. I am not in the mood.” He takes a deep breath, clearly centering himself. “Now. Tell Dr. Eric what’s wrong.”
“Damn, don’t government-name me,” I mutter. At his unwavering stare, I sigh. “I don’t even know why I freaked out exactly. It was just… everything. All at once.”
“Elaborate,” he says, licking butter from his fingers.
I pause, cracking another leg and pulling out a thick piece of crab meat.
“I’m worried about the competition, obviously.
But I think I might be more worried about my marriage to Aksel.
” The words tumble out faster once I start.
“What if I win and he resents me? Or what if he wins and I can’t handle it?
I don’t think I’m mature enough to lose gracefully.
And then there’s the fact that I’m more stressed about him than my future, which feels like a massive red flag.
I don’t want to end up like my mom, subsuming myself for an alpha until there’s nothing left.
And,” I add weakly, flapping my hands in emphasis, “I might have a drinking problem!”
By the end, I’m shouting, hands flying as I explain my bathroom breakdown.
Eric watches me with a small, sad smile. “Aw. My bestie is traumatized.”
“Eric,” I groan. “Please be serious. I’m having a crisis.”
“Oh, are you?” he asks blandly. “I hadn’t noticed.” “Help me, or I’ll demote you from bestie to friend,”
I threaten.
He gasps. “No. Please. Anything but that.”
I laugh despite myself, the tension finally snapping.
I love him so much.
“In all seriousness,” he says, tone shifting, “worrying about your marriage isn’t a bad thing.
I’m glad you’re finally recognizing that it's something real, not a mistake to fix. You deserve love, Hale.” He points at himself with a butter-slick finger.
“And you won’t end up like your mother because you have a me.
She had no one. I would never let that happen to you. ”
My eyes burn, and I focus on dismantling the rest of the crab on my plate. He’s right. My mom had no safety net. No exit.
“As for the drinking,” he adds, “a week of partying in Vegas does not an alcoholic make.”
Logically, I know he’s right. Emotionally, I’m still terrified. Falling for my husband could destroy me.
My head lists every possible disaster.
My heart only knows how warm and safe Aksel makes me feel.
“You don’t have to decide anything right now,” Eric says gently. “You could just… exist. Enjoy the moment. You don’t have to solve your entire life today.”
“That’s surprisingly insightful,” I admit.
“Yeah,” he nods, swallowing another bite, “also, he’s hot as sin, and it would be a damn shame not to enjoy that.”
I drop my head to the table with a groan.
Maturity won for one whole minute. That’s impressive for him.