Chapter 12 Luke
Luke
I hardly slept last night, and when I did, I dreamed of Jessie.
It’s the first time I’ve ever dreamed about real events like that.
Like a movie my brain was playing back to me.
It was amazing. It felt like it was happening all over again.
It was a relief to see him at my door last night.
He looked strange; reluctant and determined in equal measure.
He rested his long, lean body against the doorframe for so long, I thought for sure he’d chicken out and never come in.
The agonizing anticipation when he sat on my bed without touching me.
I’ve never felt naked like that before. Bare to my bones.
Bare to my soul. It felt electric when he touched me.
It felt kind of like I was expecting it to feel but it also felt more real.
Harder to take. It almost felt like pain, the waiting, the look in his eye; uncertain, a little angry.
The orgasm was unbelievable. Definitely not in the same league as any O I’ve ever given myself.
When I think about it now, I get a surge of arousal that’s so strong it almost makes me feel nauseous.
A wave of heat flows up and down me at the same time and makes me feel lightheaded.
I’m on the sofa waiting for him. It’s almost eleven and he still hasn’t come out of his room.
It’s making me twitchy because I know how he is.
I’m feeling anxious by the time he finally comes out.
He’s fully dressed. Ripped gray jeans and a Pink Floyd T that’s so worn it looks like it could have been bought in the seventies.
His dark hair shows matted signs of sleep.
He drags a hand through it, scrubbing it roughly and pushing it back out of his face.
I jump to my feet and blurt out “Are you okay?” even though I’ve spent the last couple of hours promising myself I’d play it cool.
His eyes harden then soften just as quickly.
“Last night was a mistake,” he says softly.
His words feel like a punch to my chest. “It didn’t feel like a mistake.”
“It never does. But believe me, it was a mistake. I’m a mistake for you.”
Hurt and confusion rain down on me. His words are ugly and harsh, but the shadows in his eyes ripple like shallow water lapping the shore. Approaching and retreating. Flinching when they get too close. “You’re wrong, Jessie. You’re not a mistake.”
“I am. I’m the biggest mistake you’ll ever make.”
“You’re not.”
“I am.”
“Are not!”
He rolls his eyes at me crossly. I’m perversely pleased that I’ve finally caused a reaction, even if it’s not the one I want.
“Don’t be a fucking idiot, Luke. I’m not arguing about this with you.
I’m the kind of guy who’ll hurt you. You’ll just have to take that from me.
I’ll fucking wreck you and I won’t even mean to do it.
I make everyone around me unhappy. I try not to, but I do.
I always have. I’m not a good person. I’m angry and I’m hateful and I can’t help that about myself. ”
“You’re not angry.”
That really gets a reaction from him. His eyes blaze. He’s definitely angry now.
“I don’t think you’re supposed to tell other people how they feel, Luke. I think that’s a thing. We’re all supposed to be experts on ourselves, isn’t that right?”
“Yeah, of course.”
“So if I say I’m angry, I’m angry!”
He’s yelling now and it’s making me angry, too. I don’t understand why the things he says and the things I feel vibrating off him never match up. “You’re not angry, you ass,” I yell back at him, “you’re sad.”
That takes the wind out of his sails. He takes a step back and falls silent.
He opens his mouth and closes it again. He looks at me for a long time, pushing his hands into his pockets and shrugging after a while.
He gives me a fucked up little smile that looks like it hurts him as much as it hurts me.
Sad boy with soulful eyes and sex in his veins.
“I know you’re a good person, Jessie.”
His eyes spark and then dull. He looks away quickly and then goes back to his room, closing the door firmly behind him.