Chapter 21 Luke
Luke
Portland is awesome. I’ve never been before and I’m not sure what I was expecting exactly, but it’s a lot nicer than I thought it would be.
It has a nice buzz and the area we’re in has a creative, arty vibe.
Jessie’s gran is adorable. She’s so happy he’s here.
I can tell she’s trying really hard not to baby him, but she’s not always successful.
She offers him ketchup with all his meals; breakfast, lunch and dinner.
I get the feeling it’s a throwback to him being a picky eater as a kid.
We go to the Arboretum – apparently it’s something they do together every time he comes to visit – and then have lunch at a little place near his gran’s.
By lunch, I mean pie and by pie, I mean the best blueberry pie I’ve ever had.
Jessie looks happy. Not a little happy. Not a quick flash that he tries to wipe off his face and hide. He looks set-in happy.
“Mm, it’s even better than I remember,” he says after the last mouthful.
It’s an awesome, relaxed day, just what we need to recover from the long trip.
We spend some time just hanging out with his gran in the garden and a lot of time waiting for evening, when Jessie’s aunt and cousin are due to come around.
By the time night falls, I can feel the excitement emanating off him.
I’m amped too. I love meeting new people.
And people Jessie thinks are cool?
Um, yeah, here for that.
The doorbell rings and is rapidly followed by a series of loud, impatient knocks on the front door. Jess bolts down the hall to open it and by the time I get there, he’s lost in a sea of arms and dark hair.
“Too long,” wheezes his aunt as she squeezes him tight. “That was too long not to see you.”
Jess nods into her embrace.
When they part, I take in the sight. The family resemblance is almost eerie.
Jessie’s aunt has the same raven hair and could-cut-ice-on-it bone structure that Jess and his mom have.
She has a side shave and faded roses and pin-up girls tattooed on both arms. You can definitely tell that she and his mom are closely related, but her eyes dance to a different beat and her smile is wide and completely sincere.
“Uh, Jean, Drix, this is Luke.”
She looks confused for a split second and then gets her bearings, “Oh Luke! The stepbrother Luke, of course. How lovely to meet you! Greg’s told us so much about you.”
She pulls me into a hug and for good measure drags Jess into it too.
When I step back I’m hit by the full force of Drix.
He’s lean like Jess. They have similar body types, though he’s quite a bit shorter.
His hair is jet black and stick straight.
It falls past his shoulders to the middle of his back.
His face is so much like Jessie’s I almost don’t know where to look.
They could be brothers if not twins and at the same time, they couldn’t be more different.
Drix is wearing a skintight cropped top that’s so short that if he raises his arms, we’re all definitely going to be on the receiving end of a nip slip, low slung boyfriend jeans, and a black studded belt.
Where Jessie’s eyes have never been able to decide whether they’re green or they’re blue, Drix’s have made a decision; they’re blue and they’re certain about it.
Bette Davis Blue, I think you’d call it.
Not only that, they’re darkly and elaborately lined in swaths of black and glittery lilac.
I’ve never seen anything quite like it in real life.
I mean, I support it like crazy. I’m here for it, and I love that he feels safe and has the confidence to dress like this. It’s just a shock because he looks so much like Jessie.
He steps forward, hand out.
“Nice to meet you,” he says, taking my hand into a handshake that’s way firmer than mine is.
He looks at Jess and smiles. I kind of feel like he might be trying not to laugh though I’m not sure why.
Dinner is a frenetic, jubilant affair which involves many tales of misadventure from both Jean and Drix.
When dessert is served, Jess sets up his laptop on the table and calls his mom on Zoom.
Her voice comes through loud and patchy and it takes several attempts before she and Jean stop talking over each other.
Jess and his family crowd around the screen to see her.
I try to get a look in, but I’m not sure if she can see me with everyone else in the way.
She’s sitting on the balcony of her place in Sydney with a mane of raven hair cascading down one shoulder.
“Drix, you look beautiful, baby,” she purrs. “Love the eyes. Love the top. You should take Jess shopping while he’s there.”
“Me take Jess shopping? Good one, Thea. I mean, I know I have killer style and all, but there’s only so much I can do, you know?”
“I like Jessie’s style,” I pipe up without meaning to.
“Who’s that?” says Thea, craning her neck to get a better look at me.
“It’s Luke,” answers Jess.
“Oh.” She blinks twice. “What’s he doing there?”
“I came for the drive. You know, to help Jess with the driving.” I sound like a fucking idiot.
“Oh,” she says again, smiling unnaturally brightly.
The conversation ticks along for a while after that.
I don’t feel my best, so I don’t say anything else.
When the conversation starts wrapping up, Jess’s gran and his aunt move to the living room.
Drix and I clear the table. Jess stays seated to finish the conversation and I guess Thea doesn’t realize I’m still within earshot because she repeats her earlier question, “Why’s Luke there? ”
This time there’s a clear message in her voice and it isn’t a good one. It makes me feel shitty.
“Luke’s great. That’s why he’s here.”
Jessie’s voice shocks me. On the surface it sounds the same as it always does. Low and hoarse, but there’s an edge in it I haven’t heard before. I try to shoot him a look to tell him it’s not worth it, but his eyes are fixed on the screen, narrowed and darker than I’ve ever seen them.
“Oh,” she says. “Well isn’t that nice.” Her voice is syrupy sweet, dripping with malice that’s wrapped up in a picture perfect smile.
Jess ends the call soon after that. As he closes the screen he looks at me. It’s a loaded look and for once I’m not sure how to read it. Drix looks at Jess and then at me. His whole face lights up.
“Dude, what the fuck? Sleeping with the enemy?” Both of us look shocked at the accusation. He drops his mouth wide open in faux amazement and genuine glee. “I love that for you.”
Jessie shrugs and even though he means to roll his eyes, the action goes wonky, and he sort of bats his lashes instead. It’s kind of adorable and it seems to put Drix in a really good mood.
“Oh Lawd! We need to get out of here. We're going out, and the two of you are going to start spilling.”
Drix takes us to a super edgy place downtown. It’s small and dark and I immediately regret wearing a white polo shirt. Every single person here is swathed in black and is infinitely cooler than I could ever even imagine being.
“Trouble!” bellows the heavily bearded barman when he sees Drix. “How you been?”
“Oh, you know, raising hell and breaking hearts,” shrugs Drix. The barman’s eyes go bleary and he gives Drix a long, soppy look. He either doesn’t notice or he ignores it completely.
We get our drinks and as we work our way to a table in the corner of the room, a girl with more piercings than I know how to count stops us.
“Oh my God.” She looks from Jess to Drix. “Double Trouble!”
“What’s with Trouble?” asks Jess as soon as we’re out of earshot.
“It’s a long and very boring story,” trills Drix, “so don’t say I didn’t warn you; it’s what my ex called me. The relationship didn’t last for shit, but the name he gave me stuck.”
“Relationship? You? Are you kidding?” says Jess.
“Well, I’m using the term loosely, obviously. But kind of. It was one of those things that started out hotter than hell and burned out pretty quick. He was nice. We’re still friends.”
“Nice?” Jess looks agog. “Must have been some kind of guy. Let me guess, chaotic bi?” He turns to me conspiratorially and explains, “Drix’s ultimate fantasy has always been bringing a chaotic bi guy to heel.”
“Not chaotic, just bi and um, excuse me, chaotic bi wasn’t even half the fantasy.
I wanted a bi guy who thinks he’s straight and I wanted to show him the light.
And by light, I mean I wanted to teach him everything there is to know about taking a dick in the ass. Come on. You know that about me, Jess.”
I burst out laughing. “Chaotic or not, your bi guy sure did know his shit when he named you.”
Jessie laughs too, raises his glass, and formally christens Drix, “Trouble.”
“Anyway. That’s old news. I don’t want one chaotic bi anymore.
Finding that is almost as easy as tripping over my dong.
” Jessie shakes his head and sighs loudly.
Trouble flicks his eyes up at the bartender and then gives us a look that says see?
“I like a challenge, so I’ve updated the fantasy.
You’ve got to dream big, you know? I want two bi guys who think they’re straight now.
I want them to be masc as hell. I want them to be blunt instruments.
And I want to get hold of them and sink my claws into them and I want to wake them the fuck up.
” He flicks his hair back and forth to punctuate the last four of five words of the sentence.
Jess and I both laugh, half-nervous for any straight guy Trouble encounters and half-impressed by the sheer audacity of him.
“So,” he says curtly, “enough about me, what about you?” He waves in our general direction as if he’s conjuring a spell. “What exactly is all this? Is it real or just something fun to give the ‘rents a spike in their blood pressure?”
I’m suddenly unsure what to say. It wasn’t like this with Gould. I’ve known him most of my life. I felt like that was my place to talk. This is different. I hold eye contact with Trouble for as long as I can, then I look down at my hands.
“Dunno what it is,” says Jessie at last, “but it’s real.” He takes my hand under the table and looks down at me, eyes softening to big glossy pools. “And I’m happy.”
“Happy? You? Happy?” Trouble looks shocked as shit but he looks at me and gives me a smile just like his mom’s. “Jesus take the wheel - Jessie Lewis is happy.”
We have the best time over the next few days. Trouble skips class and spends all his time with us. The three of us get along like a house on fire.
“I just can’t believe you let me meet him without any warning,” I say several times, much to the amusement of both Trouble and Jess.
“But Blue, if I warned you I’d have missed the look on your face the first time you saw him.”
“It’s only because you look so much alike. I-I wasn’t expecting it, that’s all.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, admit it, you’re more attracted to me than you are to him.” Trouble sidles up to me and tries to perch himself on my lap. “Don’t stress about it, baby, you’re only human.”
Jessie comes bolting over and manhandles him away from me. “No touching, you little shit. He’s mine.”
“Ooooh, he’s mine. How very Eric Northman of you,” drawls Trouble. “I love it.”
“It’s a True Blood reference,” Jess explains to me out of the corner of his mouth, “he’s based at least half his personality on that show.”
“Half? Are you kidding? Jesus, I need to amp it up. I’m failing big time if that’s what you think.”
It’s like this between us until it’s time for us to leave.
“You should move to LA,” I say when I hug him goodbye.
He’s all kinds of crazy and he’s completely impossible but he’s also the best. Not only that, Jessie looks so carefree when he’s around.
His eyes are bright and he lets himself be silly.
I’ve never seen him like this, and I want to, especially since things with his mom have been a bit weird since the Zoom call.
She called him twice yesterday and so far she’s called three times today. After the third time, his shoulders drop, and he doesn’t make eye contact with me for a long time.
“You okay?” When he doesn’t answer right away, I take his chin and angle his face so he’s looking at me. “You can say whatever you want, Jess. Anything. I won’t say anything bad about her.”
His shoulders sag more, and he drops his head down to rest on my shoulder.
“This is what she does. She doesn’t want me when she has me, but whenever I get on my feet, it’s like she has this sense…
Fuck. I feel crazy for saying this, I mean obviously no-one actually has some fucked up sixth sense that lets them know when their kid’s doing well, but I feel like she has this way of knowing when I’m doing well, when I’m okay without her… and she can’t stand it.”
I run my fingers through his hair. “It’s not crazy if you feel it.”
“The stupidest thing of all is that I hate when she ignores me. It makes me feel like shit. Like I’m invisible.
Like I don’t exist. So I should prefer it when she gets like this, right?
But I don’t because I know when she’s like this she’s not okay.
I know it’s fucked up, but I just don’t know how to be okay when she’s not okay. ”
I want to shake him and yell that she’s horrible and manipulative and she knows exactly what she’s doing.
I want to tell him that she’s co-dependent and he shouldn’t have to be the parent in the relationship.
I don’t though, because I said I wouldn’t say anything bad about her and I meant it.
It hurts him when people do that, and I will never be a person who hurts him.
Instead, I wrap my arms around him so tight he makes a soft sound when he exhales.
“I see you, Jess,” I whisper. “You’re so big and so beautiful it’s hard for me to see anything but you.
You fill my whole field of vision, and I don’t mind at all.
Before you got here I felt like I was floating.
Like bits and pieces of me were just wafting around.
” I turn his face towards mine and press my lips against his, then I look into blue-green turbulence.
“When I see you, or hear you, or when we touch, I feel like all the pieces of me click together.”
He drops his gaze and a big, mischievous grin spreads across his face. “So, what was it like before, when you were floating around all over the place?”
“It wasn’t too bad, ‘cause it was all I knew. This is better though. Feeling like this. Feeling like I know who and where all the pieces of me are, because I know who and where you are.”