Chapter 42 #2
“Trouble!” Jessie says sharply. “Are you kidding me right now? You literally spent years manifesting this shit.”
“You have spent a lot of time jerking off to a lot of three-way porn and calling it inviting abundance, Troubs. You really have,” agrees Luke apologetically. “You know how many times we’ve invited you around, and you’ve said you couldn’t come because you had too much porn to watch?”
“Yes. Of course, I know. B-but that kept me so busy that I didn’t have time to think about how it would actually work.”
Jessie expels a quick snort through his nose and casually raises his glass to take a sip in an attempt to disguise the fact he’s trying not to laugh at me.
“But, Trouble,” he says reasonably when he’s managed to wipe the smile off his face, “your mom’s always been ethically non-monogamous. You grew up with relationships that fall outside the norm. You know better than anyone how they work.”
“I know, but that’s different ‘cause my mom and dad are in a relationship, and my mom and Cara are in a relationship, but they’re not all in a relationship together, see?
Very different. My mom has her own place.
Her partners have theirs. There’s no ambiguity at all about who mops the floors.
” My voice trails off and fades as I realize in horror that what I’m saying strongly implies that I’ve imagined myself moving in with Will and Mat.
“I get that, but one of the cool things about being in a relationship that doesn’t follow societal norms is that no one has to play a set role.
You get to negotiate what works best for you and your partner or partners.
Take Luke and I, for example. Over the years, we’ve found that what works for us is for me to do everything around the house.
I cook and clean. I do the laundry and pick towels up off the floor every goddamn day, and Luke makes a killer charcuterie board and wears the hell out of a pair of scrubs. ”
“I do stuff around the house!” Luke cries indignantly.
“Sure you do.” Jessie gives him a couple of firm pats on the shoulder, clearly meant to placate him.
“Well, if I don’t, it’s only because I have a very good reason not to.”
“There’s a reason? A very good reason?” Jessie’s eyes fly open with interest. “In that case, Blue, please feel free to share it with us.”
“I’ll tell you later.”
“Now.”
“Later.”
They’re faced off, looking directly at each other, heads leaning in close when it happens. Eyes go misty and lips crack open into smiles that are so broad and dumb it’s gross and kind of nauseating to watch.
If Luke wasn’t so lovely, I’d fully hate him for what he’s done to Jessie.
“So, back to me,” I say snippily. “What am I supposed to do now?”
“I mean, you could try talking to them. You could tell them how you feel?” offers Luke.
“Yeah, nah, that’s not really my thing. Been actively trying to avoid talking too much.”
“You have to talk to them, Troubs. You have to let them in if you want the relationship to work.”
“I…I don’t think I can.”
“Why the hell not?” booms Jessie, drawing a disapproving look from an elderly couple sitting nearby.
Luke puts a hand on Jessie’s shoulder and explains gently, “Jess, Trouble’s afraid. He’s scared of falling in love ‘cause he’s scared of getting hurt.”
Jessie looks at me and sighs. A deep look of understanding washes over his features. “Trouble,” he says gently, “get your head out of your ass. Seriously. Falling in love is the best thing that can happen to anyone.”
Luke beams. “It really is. There’s nothing better. This is what you’ve always wanted. Don’t sabotage yourself now that you’re close to having it.”
“But what if they prefer each other and don’t want me anymore?” My voice is so small and pathetic I hardly recognize it.
“Not possible!” Luke says emphatically.
“‘Course they’re going to love you, Trouble. You’ve just got to let them know you,” adds Jess.
Our food arrives then, and we change the topic.
Jessie talks about a graphic novel he’s illustrating, and Luke talks about work.
He’s a pediatric nurse, and even though it’s a fucking hard job, his passion for it is impossible to miss.
As they talk, I break tiny pieces of my bacon off and drop them under the table for Adrian.
“Isn’t he being so good today?” Luke asks when he realizes the normally unhinged pup has been silent for a good five minutes. “I think we’re rounding a corner with him. I really do.”
“Yeah,” agrees Jess, “I think we’re on the home straight now.”
“Mm,” I say.
“Come on, Blue, the suspense is killing me,” says Jessie, pushing his knife and fork together on his plate. “What’s this big, very good reason that’s been stopping you from picking up towels all these years?”
Luke smiles sweetly. “Well,” he says sadly, “the thing is, I can’t pick things up off the floor, can I?” His smile changes from sweet to straight-up devilish, and he gives a helpless little shrug. “‘Cause every time I bend over, you stick your dick up my ass.”
It’s so unexpected coming from him that I spray a fine mist of margarita all over the table as I laugh.
Jessie’s face clouds over. At first, with amusement and then something else.
Oh fuck.
Here we go.
Three…
Two…
One…
Jessie leans over and murmurs into Luke’s ear. “Can we go home, please?”
It’s like fucking clockwork with these two. Luke smiles at me sheepishly as Jess pays the bill. “We really have got a lot of things to do at home today,” he offers feebly. “We have laundry, and uh, sorting, and…”
I shake my head dismissively and hold up a hand to silence him. “Luke. Please. Don’t bother.”
I watch them as they leave. They both have an arm looped around the other, and they walk in step to their car.
Now and again, one of them almost trips over Adrian.
They take turns scolding him, and when they cross the street, Luke bundles Adrian into his arms and Jessie says something that makes Luke let out a real belter of a laugh.
It’s nothing major. It’s completely normal.
It’s just a tiny snippet of their everyday lives.
It’s just that for the first time, I watch them together, and I feel something tight wrap around my heart.
It squeezes gently at first and then harder and harder.
Envy. It’s envy and a deep ache in my bones.
A longing almost. I want what they have.
I want to walk like that with Will and Mat.
I want their bodies close to mine, and I want us all to walk in time with each other.
I want us to know exactly how to move, to account for the fact we’re walking together.
I want two big, hard bodies at my sides and two warm hands in mine.
I want Will’s slight scowl and Mattie’s killer smile, and I want to be the person who put them there.
I want us to be the ones who have to rush home because we can’t stand wearing clothes and being around people who aren’t us.
I want their arms around me as we walk, and instead of tripping over Adrian, I want us all to take turns tripping over my dong.
I jest.
That wouldn’t really happen. Of course not. We all know I never go commando.
“Trouble’s here,” Mat cries happily. “He’s here on a Sunday.”
Will kisses me hello and makes no mention of the homage to insipidness that currently adorns me. In fact, he seems not to notice. He’s studying my face, eyes searching mine. His dark hair falls into his eyes and his brows knit together.
“Everything okay?” he asks.
“Oooh, yes.”
I drag the words out way more than I need to, and my voice warbles a little right at the end.
Mat’s face freezes, and then he arranges his lips into an odd, stiff smile.
We head toward the living room and the two of them sit on the porn sofa.
They sit close together, thigh against thigh, and study me with an intense sort of interest. I elect to remain standing, a decision I regret as soon as I realize how stilted it makes the mood in the room.
The living room looks exactly the same as it always does.
A little too bare. A little too unfurnished.
Nothing matches exactly. Two throw pillows have been tossed haphazardly on the floor beside the sofa and a tube of lube lies on one of the side tables, like an afterthought.
Seeing it makes my teeth feel cold, and the rest of me follows suit when I realize this is exactly where they were sitting when they called me yesterday. My stomach churns.
Is this where they did it?
“Would you like something to drink?” asks Mat. “We have tea and soda and OJ and beer and water and…”
“Uh, no, thanks.”
“How about something to eat?”
“No, no. I’m fine. I just ate. I had french toast with tasting bacon, and Luke and Jessie had…”
“Trouble.” Will’s deep, rumbling voice cuts me off and brings the mood in the room to a head. “You’re freaking Mattie out. And you’re freaking me out too. What’s wrong? Has something happened?”
“Um, no. No, no. Nothing happened exactly.” Mat’s eyes widen in dread.
“It’s not that at all. It’s not that something happened.
It’s more of a feeling. Um, a not-great feeling.
I know it’s completely crazy. I’m super embarrassed about it, I swear.
” My voice cracks, and before I have time to launch myself into more inane chatter, Will and Mat are up on their feet and headed toward me.
Mat reaches me first and puts an arm tightly around me.
Will gets to me a second later and does the same.
Their embrace is so safe and warm that I speak without censoring myself. “Did you make out?”
Will pulls back and looks me dead in the eye. His gaze is penetrating, but the look in his eyes is soft and kind. “Yeah, we did.”
I feel like I’ve swallowed a stone. It’s hard and heavy, and it makes my throat ache as it goes down.
“Did you jerk off together?”
“No.”