Chapter 32
Chapter Thirty-Two
HAPPILY EVER BEFORE
Arden
I pretended not to hear what he said to his father as we left and we drove back to Massachusetts without stopping. I fell asleep in the car to him singing Abba and awoke to the message of Morse code kisses he left on my forehead.
"Arden," he whispers into my mouth as his lips press against mine and my eyes adjust to him in the moonlight. "We’re home." And we are. I’ve thought it was a convenience, us being neighbors, but I now wonder if it’s more than that. The bread crumbs left by the universe so we’d eventually find our way to each other.
I take a deep breath and breathe him in. His eyes are unwavering. I’ve had men look at me for years, in lust, in affection, and want, in friendship, in jealousy and resentment, in hatred, in anger, in apathy and this is unlike anything.
He exhales a breath and as he does the words live in the air. "I love you."
"I–I don’t…" his eyes, narrow in concern looking for the answer, for the rest of my sentence. " You , dont." His face drops in a way that’s filled with fear, and I feel it strangling me. All the things I should say caught in my throat, but I can’t get the words out. However bad this is now, however hard it is to love him, it will be so much worse when he realizes he never did.
"You might think that, Will, but it’s just the adrenaline, the emotions from today, you should go home tonight, you should take a breath." I grab my bag and start to walk towards my building, knowing his is behind me.
"Arden, stop!" He catches up in a step. "What are you doing?"
"I’m leaving." I can’t stop. The second I do I’ll burst into tears over more than this, over the future end I won’t survive this time.
"You’re really running this time." It's not a question as he says it, it’s a challenge, voice tight with hurt.
"I don’t want to fight." I might have held it together earlier, but something about what they said as we left, took root as we drove home.
" Yes , you do. I’ve seen you fight. That’s who you are. You’re brave and set off by anything you have passion for.” He’s looking at me in shock. “You have passion for me, I’ve seen it, I’ve felt it, so why won’t you fight for this?"
"Because there’s nothing to fight for!” I yell louder than I mean to, maybe that’s what he wants, to hear it at a volume that will rattle him back to reality. But he stands there with his eyes narrowed “I heard you earlier, but that’s not true. We’ve kept this casual for a reason." He stands in front of me blocking my path.
"No,” he bites out, “we kept this casual because you wanted casual, you wanted safety. Don’t you dare throw it in my face now.” His mouth sets in a hard line between words and his nostrils flare. “I told you. I would be whatever you wanted, but you have to see,” he says, softening ever so slightly. “I’m so, incredibly, in love with you .”
He takes a step forward towards me, softening still.
“You’d rather date people you can’t have or don't really want because you think it means you aren’t putting your heart on the line. Well, you can have me and I sure as hell know you want me. I’ll be here, I’ll put myself on the line. I just need you to take one small step and meet me here." He takes another step forward, and I don’t move.
I swallow tightly, desperate to keep whatever composure I might have left before this all comes crashing down like shattered glass at our feet.
"I know what I’m doing, Will. I know how this plays out… You might think that now, that I’m brave and beautiful, that I’m full of passion. That I’m fucking incredible, the disco ball in the center of the room while the music plays and the crowd dances. I’m a good time, the best time, your best fuck, your best friend , your best fucking friend . But the clock will run out, the big light will come on, and you’ll see this bright shiny thing didn’t have any light but what it could reflect. Eventually, you’ll leave, I’ll leave, you’ll let me leave, you’ll take that job, become who you’re supposed to be, and no amount of sparkling champagne moments can keep you here. So yeah, I wanted to keep it casual."
"Who told you that?" he demands, stepping closer with fierce protectiveness I saw earlier as well. His eyes scan my face for any indication beyond what I’ve said, so I help him with the answer and just I shake my head.
"No one," I say, clearly enough for him to accept it. But he doesn’t.
"You’re lying. That's the kind of intrusive thought that was planted there by someone else."
"Let it go…" I begin to turn but he grabs my hand.
"No, because that means letting you go, and I can’t do that. I don’t know what happened to make you want to really run, to make you think that. But who I’m supposed to be doesn’t exist without you anymore. I’m not letting you run away, not out of fear, and definitely not without me. Because for all the things I know, there’s about a million more I don't. But I do know that the universe, the gods, the whatevers you want to call it, wouldn’t knot us together only for me to let you go. I know that and I know you ."
"You don’t know me." I haven’t let him. It hasn’t been long enough. The people who once knew me are all far, or far gone. "I don’t even know me." I say in a voice so much softer, so much more scared than the one before. Who I planned to be feels outdated. Who he has seen me be is the collection of in between moments, not someone real.
"Look at me." He takes another step forward and brings his hands to my face. His thumb finding the tears I had hoped to hide from both of us. "I know you… I know the parts you’ve shown me at three in the morning, while you breath against my chest, I know the parts you dim because you think it’s easier, I know that you are terrified, and that fear is your brain working against you in a way I can’t fathom. But whatever I don’t know I’m begging you to show me. I don’t care how complicated you think it is. It doesn’t matter, because loving you isn't complicated, darling. It’s the easiest thing in the world."
He said love. He said it like I should have known.
He takes a final step forward. His hands are not breaking the connection that keeps our pulses in time.
"Consider that maybe I’m right."
"But…you’re never right," I say and he laughs with hope.
"Maybe this time I am. Because I love you and I know you love me, too. It’s okay if you aren’t ready to admit that yet. Because one day we can tell this story to our kids or grandkids about how I had to convince their mother to admit she loved me. But you know what, if it’s the only time in the rest of my life that I’m right, that’s fine by me. I don’t need any more. This is enough for me."
"You really love me?" I want to hear him say it again. I want to know for sure.
"I love you. You can call it casual all you want, but you love me, too."
"Happily ever afters aren’t built on casual."
His mouth may have been open waiting to speak but instead the sound that comes out is a short laugh that sounds like relief. His hand follows the curve from my shoulder slowly and his thumb strokes the column of neck.
"We can build a life on whatever we want. If that means I chase you down the street or out of this city, I will. Because I’m not going to just let you run away from our future. If you can’t see it yet, I can see it for the both of us. I’ll hold on to it for the both of us. While you figure out the path you want to take to get us there. If you can’t see it, I can. Just tell me what you want, and I’ll build it. If you want to run away to Paris? To Mars, I’m right behind you."
I take the step forward and his arms wrap around me in something so much more than a kiss, but a promise of what he just said, and I know that our lives will never be the same.