19. Carl
19. Carl
When I get back to the cottage I see Maggie through the window, bending down to scoop up Mr Jones, the three-legged Jack Russell we’ve just taken in as a rescue.
I watch as she nuzzles his neck and then carefully plants him on her shoulder, where he sits like a parrot comically surveying the room around him.
Maggie is wearing my Leeds United bobble hat and faded old green parka – the one Kathleen gave me when I started walking the dogs. It used to belong to Michael. I remember him wearing it to take me and Fridge to footie practice when we were kids. A huge man in his huge coat, cheering us on with his huge heart.
That coat is big on me and its enormous scale completely drowns Maggie. She looks like a little girl playing dress-up.
Roz, who has been standing in front of the oven, turns and says something to Maggie. It’s almost certainly a complaint about the Rayburn – which she regards as her personal nemesis – and in spite of myself, in spite of last night, I can’t help but smile. I’m so relieved to be home. I feel just like I used to feel when I made it back to camp after a patrol. No longer in hostile territory.
When I open the front door I am met by a crazy kerfuffle of boisterous, noisy dogs. Maggie shouts at them all to calm down, while Roz fights her way through the melee to give me a hug.
‘You look done in,’ Maggie says.
‘Thanks!’ I laugh.
‘Leave the poor man alone,’ Roz chides. Then, looking at me, ‘Can I make you a cup of tea, love? Not that this hopeless Rayburn of yours looks like it’ll be boiling the kettle any time soon.’
Simultaneously, I say yes to the tea, dump my bag on the floor, nudge the kettle to the hot end of the Rayburn and scratch Elsa’s ears. For the first time since I left Jenni and Cherub’s this morning, I feel the knot in my chest begin to loosen.
I stare at Roz clucking about the kitchen, at Maggie in her muddy boots leaving muddy footprints everywhere, and suddenly I’m overcome with gratitude for being a part of their world.
These are my new comrades, I realize. Because of them I have a purpose in life, a business with clients who rely on me, a daily routine. They’re the reason I get up in the morning.
‘What?’ Maggie says, seeing me watching her. ‘Is it my muddy boots? Sorry, I was just about to take them off.’
‘No, no, it’s fine,’ I say, walking across the kitchen and hugging her.
Maggie pushes me away. ‘What is wrong with you?’ she asks, her eyes wide with alarm. ‘Oh God, are you about to fire me? You are, aren’t you?’
I cling on to her even harder, until eventually Roz gently pats me on the shoulder. ‘Come and sit,’ she says. ‘I’ll make you a sandwich.’
‘She’s made chocolate cake too,’ Maggie adds, sitting at the kitchen table and helping herself to a giant wedge.
Roz guides me to the table and nudges me into a chair. I watch as she rounds up plates and mugs, spoons, a knife. She pours milk first and then tea into three mugs, and clouds of synchronized steam rise comfortingly above them.
Roz bustles around and then hands me a sandwich, while Maggie takes a second slice of cake.
‘Go on, love,’ Roz says to me. ‘You’ll feel better after having something to eat.’
I eat my sandwich, drink my tea, help myself to a piece of cake. Afterwards, I don’t feel better as such, but my mind does feel clearer. I think of something Caroline said to me once. Something about a shield she and I put between us and the world.
‘Look,’ I’d said, waving my arms in front of me. ‘No shield.’
She’d pulled a face. ‘You know what I mean.’
I think about it now. Like me, Caroline had spent time in care as a kid. She had a stepdad who hit her, a mum who didn’t care. When the bruises got so bad that her PE teacher noticed them, she was placed with a foster family.
Maybe Caroline had a point. I was cautious about who I let into my world, wary of making new friends. But as far as I was concerned, I was right to be and I remember telling her as much.
‘I used to be like that too,’ she told me, shaking her head. ‘Expecting people to let me down because, in the past, everyone had. But the trouble is, you end up living a half-life. Always on the outside.’
Suddenly I understand what Caroline meant. A full life for me would be a life lived with Sarah – but that’s not on the cards. And that’s okay. I’m used to living on the outside.
What’s not okay is finally realizing just how much Caroline lost. She lost a lifetime of living a full life with Jobbo. Caroline, the most deserving, warm, generous person I ever knew.
It was exactly this time of year, and what with everything that’s happened in the last twenty-four hours, suddenly the memories are too raw, too real. My mind slams back into its dark place. I can’t do this here, not in front of Maggie and Roz. I have to get outside, walk it off, wait for the wall of pain to fall away.
‘Carl? Carl, are you all right?’ Roz is staring at me, a concerned look on her face.
‘I didn’t get much sleep,’ I tell her, scraping my chair back behind me and reaching for my coat. ‘I’m just going to get some fresh air. I won’t be long.’
Outside, with Elsa at my side, I retrace my usual route, but the familiar sight of the moors does not restore my calm. The light is beginning to fail and the jagged path I normally feel pulled towards now looks dismal and dangerous, making me feel even more on edge.
How quickly everything shifts, I think.
How quickly it shifted for Caroline.
She and Jobbo would be married by now. Have a home, like Jenni and Cherub, full of noise and clutter and children.
I whistle to Elsa and she comes running. It’s the same whistle Caroline used to summon the dogs on camp. It’s down to her that I thought of setting up the business.
If it wasn’t for Caroline, I wouldn’t have everything that I have now.