29. Sarah
29. Sarah
He doesn’t finish the sentence. He leans forward, kisses my cheek and is gone. There is a burst of music and chatter as he opens the door to the bar and then, as it closes behind him, nothing.
Even with Carl’s hat on it’s bitterly cold. For a minute I hold my face up to the sky and let the freezing gusts of wind blast against my cheeks. Then, knowing Carl will be gone by now, I make my way back inside.
I stand where I watched Carl stand earlier. I was worried for him, but I needn’t have been. Carl plainly doesn’t need my concern.
I order a shot of tequila, and suddenly Jenni is at my side.
‘That’s my girl,’ she laughs.
I down one and then another, and then I grab her hand and pull her into the middle of the dance floor. I spin around to the beat and lose myself in the sea of heaving, happy bodies.
After a while, Jenni signals that she needs the loo. We make our way off the dance floor, past Cherub – who is pogoing with a gang of shaven-headed lads in leather jackets – and into the Ladies.
‘What’s going on?’ she demands. ‘And don’t even think about telling me everything is all right. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to knock back tequilas and dance with you all night long. But I’m curious to know why Carl has gone home early with a face like thunder, pretending he has a headache, and you’re drinking shots in a manner that suggests a carefree abandon you and I both know you don’t possess.’
She finishes applying her lipstick, then turns to look at me.
‘So?’ she demands.
So I tell her. I tell her everything.
About the real extent of Danny’s illness. About the trip to casualty, and the litany of other injuries, and how many times I’ve been desperate to tell her but couldn’t bring myself to.
About what happened last night. How tired I am of it all, and how much I hate myself for being tired of it because I know it’s not Danny’s fault.
And then I tell her about Carl. About the drunken near-kiss in her kitchen, and the feelings I’ve had for him ever since Afghanistan. About how I’d stopped having those sorts of feelings for Danny even before I’d got out there.
Finally, I tell her about the humiliating rebuff I’ve just received from Carl on the community-centre porch.
She listens to it all without saying a word, other than to occasionally tell whoever is banging on the door to the Ladies to bugger off.
When I finish, she puts her arms around me and holds me for a long time.
‘I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through all of this on your own.’
And hearing her say that makes me cry. Tears of relief.
Relief at no longer having to keep secrets from my best friend. And relief that she hasn’t judged me for admitting to having feelings for Carl.
‘Come on,’ she says, wiping the big black smudges of mascara from under my eyes with her thumbs. ‘Let’s get you home.’
She leads me out of the Ladies toilets, plucks Cherub from the middle of the dance floor – where he is now swaying to the music alone – and bundles the three of us into a taxi.
Back at theirs, Cherub heats up some oven chips and we share another bottle of wine. Then we dance around the kitchen to ‘Young At Heart’ until, finally, Jenni declares it’s time for us all to go to bed.
By the next morning Jenni has a plan.
She sits on the edge of my bed holding out two paracetamol tablets and a glass of water.
‘Right,’ she says briskly. ‘You have to talk to Danny. And if not Danny, then his mother. You owe him – and her – that much. But, Sarah, you don’t owe him anything more. I feel sorry for him, I really do. But you only get one life, and you can’t live it in the shadow of someone you’re afraid of. He has seriously hurt you in the past. What if he does something really awful to you? Something even worse.’ She sighs. ‘The fact is, this isn’t a healthy relationship any more. You need to explain all that to Annie.’
She pauses for a moment, allowing her words to sink in.
‘As for Carl,’ she says, changing tack. ‘If you want my opinion?’
I swallow the tablets and nod.
‘Last night wasn’t about him humiliating you. It wasn’t even about him walking away from you. It was about him doing the right thing by Danny. The decent thing. Carl’s a soldier through and through. He’s all about their code of honour to one another.’
Her words make sense, but they offer little comfort.
‘He’s wracked with guilt for not saving Fridge and Squadron,’ she continues, ‘and I’m guessing he feels guilty about betraying Danny, in the same way that you do. But, Sarah, no one can say you haven’t tried with Danny. No one could have done more. And falling in love with someone else doesn’t make you a terrible person. It makes you human.’
‘Really?’ I ask.
There is a crash next door, followed a moment later by loud wails.
Jenni leaps off the bed. ‘Cherub,’ she yells, opening the door. ‘You’re supposed to be minding the boys.’ She looks back at me and smiles. ‘Really,’ she says.
With that she is gone. As the door slams behind her I sink back against the pillow and close my eyes, waiting for the paracetamol to kick in.
Jenni’s right. Carl was always honourable and dutiful in the way he looked out for the others. I know he felt responsible for them all. I saw it after Fridge’s death – how much he blamed himself for not being able to protect him. Squadron too.
But there was more to it with Danny. It went beyond a sense of duty. Carl treated him like a younger brother. And suddenly it comes back to me. What Carl said last night.
Something about making a promise to Danny.
What promise?