33. Carl
33. Carl
It tears me apart, seeing her in that hospital bed. She looks so tiny, so fragile, I would do anything to swap places with her. For it to be me lying there with my head wrapped in a bandage, my face swollen and bruised.
I deserve to be. I was so caught up in doing the right thing by Danny that I turned my back on Sarah. But what about doing the right thing by her ? Why didn’t I think about that?
I was walking back to the van after getting my latest tattoo – on a high after talking to Barry – when my phone rang.
It was Cherub. No doubt with more instructions from Jenni about my best man duties, I thought.
‘Hey,’ I said happily.
‘Hey, mate,’ he said.
I knew immediately it was bad news. I’d heard that tone of voice too many times before. The only question was who.
My thoughts are chasing round and round in my head now. I should have protected Sarah from Danny, and I’m burning with an uncontrollable rage at him for doing this to her.
But Danny’s mind is destroyed. It must be, because the Danny I knew would have struggled to do to the enemy what he’s just done to Sarah.
I will make it up to her. No matter what she thinks of me now – and I pray it isn’t as bad as some of the things I’ve thought about myself – I will make it up to her. I will never let him hurt her again.
Jenni and the nurses, even Sarah’s mum, keep telling me I need to rest. But there’s no way I’m leaving her side. What if she wakes up and needs something. A painkiller or a drink or something to eat? What if she’s too hot or too cold? Worse, what if she’s scared? Or has a nightmare?
No, I have to be here to protect her, to make her feel safe. So I’m staying here for as long as it takes, watching over Sarah, willing her to get better.
I run a hand through my hair, shifting my cramped limbs in the chair next to her bed, in danger of nodding off. I glance across at Jenni, and Sarah’s mum, keeping a vigil on the other side of the bed.
Suddenly I’m aware of the tiniest movement.
Did I just imagine it?
I detect another slight movement, and I lean in to be sure. I dare to hope.
‘Sarah! She’s awake! Look, she’s opened her eyes!’
It’s late at night. Jenni has gone back to see the kids, and Sarah’s mum has popped home for a shower and a change of clothes.
The poor woman looked exhausted. She’s a nice lady. Asked me if there was anything she could get for me. ‘I’ll get some fruit and some fresh juice for Sarah and one of those chocolate muffins Vihann tells me she loves. And what can I get for you? You must be absolutely starving.’
Her being nice to me made me feel like a fraud. I don’t deserve it.
I said as much, but she told me not to be silly. ‘You’re here for her now,’ she said, putting her hand on my shoulder. ‘That’s all that matters. You promise you won’t leave her until I get back?’
I promised.
I think of Assami keeping me company, that long night we watched over Caroline. How he told me about the angels Munkar and Nakir coming to the grave to interrogate the person who has died, to see if they have led a good life.
I won’t let them visit Sarah. It isn’t her time yet.
I stare at the stitches on her forehead from where she hit the ground with such force she knocked herself out. I can’t stand to think about it, about how afraid she must have been, about the moment of Danny striking her.
So even though she is asleep, I tell Sarah a story. A story to occupy my mind, one that Assami used to tell his children. It’s about Neem, a half-human boy who must drink a special medicine from a dragon’s cave to become whole. Assami told it to me on the way back from a patrol once. It had been a rough night, and my nerves were shot to pieces, but listening to his deep, melodic voice calmed me – as I imagine it must have calmed his children when they couldn’t sleep.
Maybe Sarah will like it? Maybe it will calm her too?
So I stroke her hand and tell her about Neem, who not only conquers his fears of the dragon in order to get the medicine he needs but also learns to understand the dragon, and help the dragon, and save the people it’s been frightening in the process.
When I finish telling the story, Sarah opens her eyes.
‘Hey,’ I say, ‘you’re back with us.’
She opens her mouth to say something but the words won’t come. I reach for the glass of water and carefully hold the straw in her mouth as she takes tiny, hesitant sips.
Seeing my look of concern, she smiles, or tries to smile. Only one half of her mouth curls upwards. The other half, the half that must have hit the tiled floor when she fell, is still too swollen to move. Looking at it, my eyes fill with tears.
‘I’m so sorry,’ I tell her.
When she speaks, it’s barely a whisper. ‘It’s not your fault,’ she says.
I shake my head. ‘I should have listened to you at the community centre when you told me you’d stopped wanting to be in a relationship with Danny a long time ago. If I had – if I hadn’t been so concerned about looking out for him – you might not have gone back to him, and none of this would have happened.’
‘You were just looking out for your friend,’ she says, her voice hoarse.
‘I should have looked out for you. Told you it was okay to leave, if that’s what you wanted. Offered to help with Danny. Sarah, I’ve been such a coward.’
She smiled her crooked half-smile. ‘You’re the bravest person I’ve ever met.’
I shake my head. ‘Sarah …’
I want to tell her that all this time the reason I haven’t been in touch is because it was too hard to see her with Danny. That ever since that morning in the canteen, I’ve had feelings for her. That after listening to Barry I was going to ring her and tell her to leave Danny, but I never got the chance.
I’ll regret that forever.
But I can see that she is fighting to keep her eyes open, and this isn’t about me or my feelings. This is about Sarah. She’s all that matters.
‘It’s okay,’ I tell her. ‘You sleep, I’ll be right here when you wake up.’
She forces her eyelids open one more time, looks up at me with those beautiful green eyes of hers. ‘Tell me another one of Assami’s stories,’ she says. ‘I like listening to you talk.’ And then she drifts off.
Being careful not to hurt her, I bend down and kiss her lightly on the forehead. Then I sit back in my chair and start to tell her another story.