27. 27
Iloved a Bella Amore love triangle. The drama, the suspense, the mystery of who would end up with who. As a viewer, I ate it up.
Living it, however, was proving to be the absolute worst.
All day long, wherever I looked, it seemed that Callum and Sara were together.
Talking on the pool loungers, making lunch in the kitchen, playing the standard villa game of rock, paper, scissors that kept everyone from total boredom.
They were everywhere, all the time, and I was not a fan.
I could have talked to Callum. Could have pulled him for a chat to ask about his feelings or simply see how his day was going. Anything a mature, normal adult would do in this situation.
Only I wasn’t feeling very mature.
I was actually feeling a bit reckless, which I blamed on being locked up in a villa, day and night, with nothing to do but obsess over boys.
Looking across the garden, I found Callum and Sara together, yet again. Night had fallen, and the cocktail party was well underway and there they were, still hanging out.
Callum was making a cheese toastie—a staple of the villa in which cheese is melted on a piece of toast in the microwave, resulting in an unhealthy yet delicious snack. Sara had been flipping her hair about nearby for the better part of twenty minutes and had now made her way into the kitchen.
She hoisted herself up to sit on the countertop, bringing her closer to eye level with Callum. He did not move away and continued to stand about a foot from her.
It was enough to spur me into action. I refused to spend my evening staring at the two of them, wondering what she was going to do and what he was thinking.
Getting up from the fire pit where I had been sitting with Chiara and Jess, I made my way over to the daybeds where Hugh and James sat.
“Can I join you two?” I asked, not waiting for their answer before sitting down.
It so happened that the seat I chose was the one right next to James. Fancy that.
He gave me a smile and a slight raise of his eyebrows. I’m sure he wondered what I was doing, sitting so close to him when I had chosen Callum over him at the last Matching Ceremony.
I didn’t care. I was tired of overthinking everything.
Tired of sitting on the sidelines, trying to figure out Callum and our deal and where we stood.
I wanted to do something without thinking it to death, and if talking to the very hot British man next to me was that thing, then I was going to run with it.
Hugh looked between us and quickly excused himself.
“Poppy,” James said, shifting his body toward mine.
“James,” I replied, giving him a playful smile that I hoped signaled I was happy to be here with him and not that I was maybe using him to get back at someone else in the villa.
James either didn’t want to know or didn’t care why I had come to talk to him. We chatted for a while about an array of things: the weather, what it was like in the villa so far, our families back home.
It was nice.
We talked through to the end of the cocktail party, and, while the whole conversation had been strictly platonic and once again reaffirmed that I had no real feelings for him, if his hand happened to end up resting on my knee by the time we got up to head inside, I certainly wasn’t hard pressed to stop it.
I had done my best to push out all thoughts of Callum during my time with James, but as I stood in the communal bathroom brushing my teeth, I couldn’t help but dive back into them. Did he see us talking? Did he care? Did I care if he cared?
I didn’t have to wait long to find out as he came in and joined me at the sink.
We brushed our teeth next to each other in heavy, weighted silence.
When I was done and about to head back into the girls’ dressing room, he finally spoke.
“Have a nice night?” he said, his tone laced with a hint of antagonism.
“Yes, actually. It was lovely. I had a great chat with James,” I said, thrilled I was able to throw it in his face.
“I saw,” he said.
“And you? Have a great time with Sara tonight?” I asked, unable to stop myself from bringing it up.
“The best.”
“Wonderful.”
“Great.”
It was definitely not great, nor wonderful. We were throwing our words at each other, and in the silence after, all that remained was his intense gaze meeting mine.
How did it always end up like this, with us in some kind of tense staring contest?
I was suddenly exhausted by it all. Not wanting to play games anymore, I turned and walked out of the bathroom.
Getting into bed, I quickly rolled over and away from Callum’s side. I willed my body to relax, but it was no use. Despite being depleted by the day, I was wide awake.
Feeling much more sensible than an hour ago, I could see that talking to James had been a horrible idea.
If anything, Callum and I were now even further apart.
The whole thing was a mess, and a way out of it seemed increasingly impossible as time went on.
I wasn’t sure where we could even go from here.
The bed sank next to me as Callum climbed in. I could feel his body heat, always so warm and radiating, as he also rolled over.
Away from me.
***
The next morning began the same as all the others.
Wake up to blinding lights, ignore Callum in bed, talk to the girls, get ready for the day.
Only this time, when I headed out to the garden, I was in no mood to engage with anyone. I was drained by the past two days' events and tired of thinking them over so obsessively.
I managed to avoid dealing with anything until after lunch.
Turning into the kitchen, I found, yet again, Callum talking with Sara.
They weren’t doing anything untoward, both were just filling up their water bottles from the sink’s tap, but seeing them together again, and standing so close to it this time, something in me snapped.
I needed to talk to Callum.
We can’t keep doing this. I can't keep doing this.
“I’m going for a smoke,” I announced, loud enough for him to hear me. Catching his eye, I gave what I hoped to be a look that communicated he should follow.
Ten minutes later, sitting on the tiny bench in the smoker’s area, I was about to give up and go hunt down Callum myself when the gate was pushed open, and he walked through.
I gestured for him to turn off his mic, which he did, and then it was just us two, staring at each other.
“You called?” he said, not one hint of friendliness in his voice.
“What the hell is going on with you?” I asked, jumping to my feet.
“Me? What’s going on with you?”
“I’m so glad you asked, because do you know what I’ve been doing for the past two days? Watching you and Sara carry on like some happy couple.”
“You didn’t seem to mind so much when you were cozying up to James last night.”
“This isn’t about me. This whole thing, us, was your idea! You were the one who said we should stick together. That we should try to make it to the end and now you’re all over another girl.”
I took a breath and asked the question I had been dreading hearing the answer to.
“Do you want to be with Sara, is that what this is?”
“Do you want to be with James?”
“I made it clear I was in this with you. For fuck’s sake, I kissed you!”
“You kissed James!”
“He kissed me. In a game. Which is honestly more than I can say for you. For someone who had this grand plan to get us to the final, you’re really doing a shitty job at it.”
“I’m doing a shitty job? You never come around me; you’re always either with Chiara or Jess. What am I supposed to do with that?”
“You know what, don’t worry about it anymore. At the next matching, why don’t you just choose Sara?”
“Fine, maybe I will.”
“Fine.”
I blinked up at him, the reality of what we’d just said sinking in. I had felt out of my body during our conversation and coming back down to Earth now, I wasn’t sure how we had gotten so far off course in such a short amount of time.
Frustration and hurt bloomed in my chest. I didn’t want to feel it, especially not while standing in front of Callum, so I pushed past him and back into the garden.
Crossing the lawn, I tried to make sense of what had just happened. What I hoped would be a moment for us to get back on the same page had blown up in my face. Now I wasn’t sure where we stood.
Not together, it seemed.
I was moving without seeing and found myself joining Jess and Ella where they were sitting at the daybeds.
I didn’t say anything, just plopped myself down next to them.
My head was spinning, replaying my conversation with Callum on a loop. Did he really want this to be over?
Did I?
“Pop, are you alright?” Jess asked delicately.
“Yeah, totally fine,” I said, trying to force a smile.
“Poppy, you’re crying,” Ella said.
Was I? It was then that I realized there were tears streaming down my face. I hadn’t even realized it was happening; I was so lost in my head.
Wiping the tears away, I shook my head, trying to get a grip.
“Yeah, I just . . . ” I didn’t know how to finish that sentence. Even if I could have told them the truth, I wouldn’t have known where to start.
“Are you and Callum alright?” Jess said, looking at me with concern.
That I could at least be honest about.
“No,” I said. “We’re not.”
Jess, and even Ella, had the good grace not to pry any further.
Callum and I weren’t alright.
I wasn’t sure if we ever would be.