Chapter 45 Eleanor
ELEANOR
The day of my first bout felt like standing at the edge of a cliff.
My first draft was turned in. The first chunk of my advance had hit my bank account that morning, real and solid and terrifying in the best way. And I was going to move out of my mother’s house. Toward something that was mine.
My mom still wasn’t speaking to me. She moved through the house like I was a ghost, even as I boxed up my life in quiet defiance. It would have hurt more if I weren’t so busy building something new.
Becca picked up Ava just before noon, all smiles and excitement. “We’re going to get the best seats,” she promised. “Leo’s already losing his mind.”
Ava practically vibrated with joy as she left, her derby shirt on inside out.
Then it was just me, my boxes, and the clock ticking toward everything changing.
I went to grab my skate bag, and my stomach dropped.
One skate. Just one.
“Oh no. No, no, no,” I muttered, digging through the bag like it might magically appear.
It didn’t. I must have left the other one in Alex’s car.
I reached for my phone.
And couldn’t find it.
I searched the counter. The couch. My jacket. The bathroom.
Nothing.
My heart started to pound.
Not today.
Not today of all days.
I tore through the house like it had personally offended me.
Bathroom. Counter. Kitchen table. Couch cushions. The porch. I checked my jacket pockets again, even though I knew I already had. I dug through half-packed boxes, sending clothes and books tumbling to the floor.
“Come on, come on,” I whispered, panic creeping up my spine.
I went back through my steps in my head, getting dressed, packing the bag, Becca at the door, Ava’s shoes, the hug goodbye.
Nothing.
I tried to call myself from the landline.
Straight to voicemail.
Of course it was.
I stood in the middle of the chaos, one skate in my hand, heart pounding, the clock ticking louder and louder toward my first bout.
I’d never needed my phone more in my life.
Why didn’t I know Alex’s number?
Why didn’t I know anyone’s number?
Time stretched and twisted, every second scraping against my nerves. I was just about to leave anyway, hoping maybe Alex would be there with my missing skate, when I grabbed my bag.
No keys.
“What the fuck?” I whispered.
And then my mother was there, standing in the doorway with her arms folded, expression cool and distant.
“Are you looking for something?” she asked.
The room went cold. A horrible thought bloomed in my chest. She wouldn’t. But I knew she would.
“Do you know where my keys are?” I asked, forcing my voice to stay level.
“Maybe,” she said, like she was commenting on the weather.
I dug deep for patience that I didn’t feel. “Do you possibly know where my phone is, too?”
She simply nodded
“Can I have them back?” I asked, still trying to keep my voice steady, even though I already knew the answer.
“No,” she said simply.
Like that was the end of the discussion.
“Give me back my things,” I said, my voice cracking as I finally lost the battle to stay calm.
“I can’t do that,” she replied. “You’ve been making bad choices lately, and as your mother, it’s my job to make sure you don’t mess up your life . . . or Ava’s.”
“What do you know about the choices I’ve been making?” I shot back. “You haven’t been speaking to me or Ava, which is fucked up.”
“Language,” she said coolly, like that was the real problem here.
I turned away, heart pounding, trying to figure out how I could get out of the house. No phone meant no Alex, no Becca, no Uber.
Nothing.
“Fuck,” I muttered.
I was going to have to reason with her.
“Mom,” I said, forcing my voice to stay calm, “I will come back, and we can talk about this. But I really have somewhere important to be.”
She didn’t even look at me. Just turned and walked away.
I followed her down the hallway. “Mom, please. I have to get there.”
She spun around, and for the first time, her composure cracked.
“Why?” she snapped. “So you can skate with all those people? Be with a man who can’t take care of you or Ava? I don’t like this life for you. You deserve better. You cannot move in with him. I won’t allow it.”
“Won’t allow it?” I scoffed. “I’m a full-grown woman and a mother. You are not in charge of me. This means a lot to me. And we’re not moving in with him. We’re moving into an apartment next door.”
She made a sound like that was just as bad.
“Don’t do this,” she said. “Please.”
“I will miss my first game,” I said, my voice breaking. “I’ve been practicing so hard.”
I glanced at the clock.
Thirty minutes until the bout started.
I was supposed to be there, dressed and ready, right now.
And I was standing in a hallway, begging my own mother to let me live my life.
“I’m sorry it came to this,” she said coolly. “We’ll talk when you’re calmer. But believe it or not, I’m doing this for your own good. You’re grounded.”
“Grounded?” I stared at her. “Mom, I’m thirty-seven. You can’t ground me.”
“I most certainly can.”
“This is fucking ridiculous,” I said, pacing as the clock kept ticking down, every second another nail in my chest.
Then she said, “I know you’re really confused after Ethan’s death.”
I spun on her. “How dare you bring him up right now?”
Her face softened just a fraction. “I’m sorry if that’s a sensitive subject. I’m only trying to help.”
And that was when I realized she was never going to stop trying to control me.
“He is not a sensitive subject,” I said, my whole body shaking. “He was the love of my life. He is Ava’s father. And he deserves more respect than that.”
“Oh, now he deserves respect?” she shot back. “What about when you’re with that other man?” The way she said it was thick with disdain, like Alex’s name was something dirty.
Something inside me went very, very still.
“How dare you?” I said, my voice calm only because the storm inside me had nowhere left to go. “How dare you say that to me. You don’t even know him. You don’t know how hard this has been. Derby and Alex have healed a part of me. And you, as my mother, should be happy.”
For once, she had nothing to say.
I turned and headed for the front door.
“Where are you going?” she demanded.
“To the rink,” I shot back.
“How are you going to get there?”
“I’ll walk.”
“It’s miles away!”
“I don’t care. I’m not staying here. You don’t get to control me. And I won’t let Ava live here, constantly wondering what she did wrong. I will do whatever it takes to get us both away from you.”
I flung the front door open—
And there was Alex, standing on the porch with my missing skate in his hands, his knuckles raised to knock.