Chapter 42 Ari
Ari
It had all gotten to be a bit too much for Ari.
The pile of things weighing down on her kept getting heavier.
So, when she saw Harrison and experienced the dread of being faced with yet another one of her problems, her final dam of self-preservation broke.
She’d been holding it together since January, but she couldn’t pretend to be stronger than she was anymore.
So, she began to cry, an involuntary action that led her into his arms. Harrison was the last person in the world she wanted to see.
But a warm body was a warm body. So, she let herself sink into the hug.
“Come here, babe, it’s going to be okay,” Harrison said, holding her tight. For a moment, she found it comforting, but then she came back to her senses.
“If that guy hurt your feelings, just tell me. I’ll deal with him,” said Harrison, unnervingly tense.
“It’s fine,” she said, pulling back from the hug.
But Harrison wasn’t listening. He never had.
The first time she’d seen him like this, jealous and protective, she’d found it attractive.
Assurance that he would do anything for her.
But that jealousy had extended to every single person in their vicinity, including her friends.
She’d desperately wanted to make things work with Harrison, so she’d allowed herself to be gradually pulled away from the people she loved, straining her relationships until she rarely saw her friends outside of hockey games and compulsory team-training sessions.
“You know I love you, I always will. It kills me that you’re seeing someone else, but I know in the end, it’s you and me,” Harrison said, trying to pull her back in.
But being around him reminded her of how constricting their relationship had been.
So, she pulled back and extricated herself from his arms. Deciding that this time, it was for good.
“Harrison, we’re not together. We’re never getting back together,” she said plainly as she took a step back.
“You don’t mean that,” he said, taking a step forward.
She’d spent the past six months tiptoeing around this conversation. Avoiding calls, walking to the other side of rooms, fake-dating someone new. Anything to avoid this conversation with him. But it was time to be honest.
“I don’t want to see you again,” she said firmly, so it was clear that there would be no gray area. “I don’t want you to keep conveniently popping up wherever I go, I don’t want you lurking in the shadows of my life in case I change my mind,” she said, watching his expression grow darker.
“You’re being emotional. But it’s okay, I know how you really feel,” he said, shaking his head. Back to acting like every boundary line she tried to draw was an overreaction.
“No, I’m telling you how I really feel.”
“You’ll change your mind,” he said, stepping closer.
“No, I won’t,” she said, stepping back again.
“You will, because in the end, it’s you and me,” he said, reaching for her and slowly stroking her hair in a way that sent a haunting chill down her spine.
“I don’t like you anymore, Harrison. Let it go,” she said, but he had just placed a firm grip on her shoulder.
She stood completely still for a moment as she realized what was happening.
He was trying to hold her in place. He’d never hurt her, not physically.
At least, she didn’t think so. But there was a strange look in his eyes, and it made her feel uneasy.
In that moment she realized that this was the man Harrison had always been.
“Let go,” she said. Her voice didn’t come out as loud as she wanted it to.
“Babe,” he said, holding on tighter. She shook her shoulder, but he didn’t move his hand.
“She said let go,” came a familiar voice as the sound of footsteps crunched across the snow.
Ari turned around. It was Sienna. And Yasmeen. And Izzy. All three of them were holding their kit bags and hockey sticks. They glared at Harrison with looks so lethal that even the strongest person would have withered.
“Back off, Harrison,” said Izzy, brandishing her hockey stick.
“If you don’t take your hands off her, I’m calling security,” said Yasmeen, her tone laced with venom.
At first, Ari was embarrassed.
I can handle it myself, a small voice in her mind said.
But I don’t have to, another, slightly louder voice said.
Harrison took a step back, assessed Ari’s friends with barely contained disdain, and looked at Ari as if to say, “Are you going to let them talk to me like this?”
But Ari wasn’t the same woman she’d been last year. So, this time, she took a stand.
“I don’t want to see you again. And I mean never. Don’t text, don’t call, stay out of my life for good,” she said.
And with the four of them looking at him in disgust, Harrison finally relented and walked away. He could be horrible in private, but he was too much of a coward to be his true self when other people were around.
Ari let out a sigh of relief as the surge of adrenaline began to dissipate. Between her family drama, the pressure of becoming a good captain, and dealing with her relationship dilemmas, she felt like she’d been running at full speed for days and was about to crash.
“I hate that guy. I always have and always will,” said Sienna quietly. Yasmeen and Izzy nodded along.
“I just feel so tired,” Ari said, her voice barely a murmur as she felt tears starting to fall again. But this time, she ended up in the arms of her three favorite girls.
They’d grown up together, lost games, carried each other through heartache, and been there for each other through the best and worst of life.
But somewhere along the way, that bond had fractured.
And since then, Ari had felt like a swimmer alone at sea.
Desperately searching for a buoy, but so far removed from everyone who loved her that it seemed necessary to deal with it all alone.
“I’m sorry I’ve been so distant,” she said, her voice quivering as she sat on a nearby bench.
“It’s okay, you know we love you,” said Izzy as they went over to sit beside her. But Ari couldn’t stop thinking about how alone she’d felt through it all.
“I just feel like I’ve been on this treadmill all year, carrying everything by myself, and I don’t think I can do it anymore,” Ari said.
“We can carry it with you,” said Yasmeen, giving her arm a squeeze.
“But how am I supposed to keep the team together if I’m falling apart?” she said, her voice breaking. She’d done a pretty good job of holding it together, but the worry that had come over her ever since Gracie’s injury was threatening to break her.
“It’s not your responsibility to keep us together, Ari, we’re grown,” said Sienna.
“If we make a mess, we can fix it. You can’t take on everybody’s burden,” said Yasmeen. Ari shook her head. That didn’t feel true, it hadn’t felt true for a long time. And since she was on a streak of honest conversations, she decided to tell them.
“But whenever an issue comes up, whether it’s training, a big game, or friendships, you all look to me.
I love you, I love being there for you. But do you know how much responsibility that is right now?
” she said, being honest for once. “It’s exhausting trying to be everything to everyone without getting anything back.
I don’t even feel like I can talk to you anymore because I have to maintain this image of having it together,” she said.
Her friends had been her safe space, but she’d let a chasm form between them.
When she was appointed captain, she began compartmentalizing to try to ensure that her self-doubts didn’t affect the team.
It had gotten to the point where there was no space left in which to be complicated, messy, and occasionally broken. Except when she was with Drew.
“I just don’t want to let you down,” she said as tears slid down her cheeks. Her three best friends squeezed her tight.
“You could never let us down. You’re an excellent player and an incredible captain. But most importantly, you’re our best friend. If anything, we’ve been letting you down,” said Izzy. Sienna nodded.
“The stress of everything made us focus more on winning than making sure we were winning together. We probably put way too much pressure on you to deal with how hard this has been,” said Sienna, and the other two nodded.
Ari had put too much pressure on herself, too.
She’d spent her whole life hearing pundits say that women weren’t strong enough for the game, that they let their emotions get the best of them, and they couldn’t handle pressure.
So, she’d unintentionally spent her life trying to prove them wrong, taking on more to appear stronger and more effortless than she needed to be.
And the truth was, she could handle a lot.
But a man she’d met on a rooftop had reminded her she didn’t have to handle everything alone to prove a point. So, she looked around at her friends, wiped her eyes, and decided it was finally time to let herself lean on them. Because as long as she had her girls, she would never be alone.
“Okay, in the spirit of helping each other, could you do me a favor?” Ari asked, and they all nodded. She reached for her wrist and unclasped gold timepiece and black leather band that had been weighing her down for too long. “Could you help me get rid of this watch?”