Chapter 34
Icouldn’t stop shaking.
As I strode back into the farmhouse, Allegra’s wedding band burning in my palm, it felt like every muscle in my body was tremoring.
The house echoed as I walked aimlessly through it.
All day I’d felt certain about what I needed to do. That I needed to suggest some time apart so we could know for sure that marriage was what we wanted. Fuck, what Allegra wanted. I already knew I wanted it.
But I should have known with her history that she’d see it as an excuse for me to end things. And I didn’t do a good enough job of explaining because I was afraid she’d just insist she wanted me without thinking it through.
Like I knew her mind better than she did. Fuck. I’d made the decision without actually talking it through with her. No wonder she’d just ended it entirely.
I felt sick.
Because while an hour ago I was so certain suggesting a break was the right thing to do, now I felt like I just self-sabotaged.
Gripping my head, I stumbled into a kitchen chair.
Why couldn’t I tell her I loved her?
Because you’re a chickenshit. You’re terrified.
People you loved either disappointed you or they left you.
“Fuck.” I was so fucked in the head.
Allegra’s tear-streaked face appeared behind my eyes every time I closed them. I’d hurt her. I’d devastated her. Why hadn’t I thought about how this would seem to her? To a woman who had been abandoned and used … I’d done this all wrong.
Dread swamped me.
My phone blared from the kitchen table, making me jump.
Reluctantly, I pulled it toward me and saw it was Sarah calling. The woman had a sixth sense.
I answered, putting the phone on speaker. “Sarah.”
There was a beat of silence, then, “What’s wrong?”
“I fucked up.” I exhaled shakily. “Sarah, I really fucked up. I’m fucked up, I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“Talk to me,” she said in that calm, gentle voice. “Tell me what’s going on.”