Chapter 15
15
Zach woke with a start and glared at the empty space beside him. Bethany was sliding out of bed, her back to him. That distance he’d sensed was still there. Hell, if anything, it was increasing by the second. More than anything, he wanted to grab her, keep her pinned until she acknowledged him and accepted that they were meant to be together.
He struggled to stay put. He’d done enough imposing last night. He may have ceded power to her in the beginning, but by the time they’d fallen asleep in the early hours, exhausted in each other’s arms, she’d known who was in control. She’d eagerly participated and granted his every demand.
And yet, through it all, he’d sensed her reticence. And more than that, he’d seen her determination as she’d given herself wholeheartedly and demanded more in return.
It wasn’t until the last mind-bending fucking that he’d guessed her intention. Panic had resurged a hundred-fold, but he’d stemmed it.
Now, as she raised her hand to shrug into the dressing gown he’d provided for her, he watched the curve of her waist, her sleek torso, and hid a determined smile. She thought they were done. Last night, she’d fucked him with a purpose he’d been thrilled to receive. Now, he knew it for what it was.
“Good morning, Peaches.”
She tensed but didn’t turn around. His pulse shot up as the urge smashed through him to get off the bed and make her face him. “How do you feel?” He struggled to keep his voice even. A part of him wondered why he was so stunned that she turned him inside out without even lifting a finger. It was the same realization that had staggered him in Marrakech. That feeling that she meant more to him than anyone or anything in his life.
It was what terrified him that any further revelations about his past would drive her away for good.
“Great. I feel great.” She fiddled with her belt for a few minutes. Then caught a strand of hair between her fingers. Zach was content to let the thick silence continue. He was perfectly comfortable where he was, watching her fidget. This woman confused the hell out of him enough for him not to feel lenient toward her this morning.
After another minute, she looked up. “Zach, I need to go to work.”
“No, you don’t. You’re working from here today. I’ve cleared it with Sheena.”
She rounded on him. “You’ve what?”
He stood and walked over to her. Her color was heightened with her anger, but her eyes were adorably drowsy from sleep and sex. And he’d never craved her more. “We never got round to discussing what you’ve come up with for the project. I thought we could discuss it this morning.”
“That will take about an hour. Then what the hell will I do for the rest of the day?” she snapped, her eyes blazing blue hell at him.
He couldn’t stop his grin at her exasperation. She was getting animated. Good. He preferred that to her silent scheming on how to leave him.
“I’m pretty sure we can come up with something.”
She closed her eyes. “I can’t spend what’s supposed to be my workday here with you?—”
“Fucking my brains out? I beg to differ. Wasn’t that what the marathon fucking last night was all about?”
Her frown held a world of wariness. “What are you talking about?”
He shook his head, unwilling to embrace his fears. Last night had been getting him out of her system. A fuck before the fuck off. Little did she know his mission had been the opposite. He’d tried being a gentleman. He’d tried begging. Hell, he’d even tried blackmailing.
Now he intended to fuck himself back into her system. But he couldn’t risk frightening her off by coming on any stronger.
Pulling her close, he slanted his mouth over hers. His dread lessened a fraction when she responded by opening her lips and participating wholeheartedly in the kiss. When her hands slid around his waist, he breathed even easier. Her eyes were dreamy with need when he raised his head and stared down at her.
“Let’s try this again. Good morning, Peaches.”
“It’s not a good morning for me when you try and derail my day before it’s even started, Zach,” she complained.
She tried to pull away, but he held on. More and more, he felt like he was trying to hold on to her while she pulled away from him. Slowly, he glided his thumb over her bottom lip, felt it quiver beneath his touch.
“That’s not what I’m trying to do. I thought I’d save you time by cutting out your commute into work.”
“You don’t get it. I’m a grownup. I can arrange my own workday. I know you don’t care whether Sheena finds out about us, but I do. Can you try and respect that?” Blue eyes glowered at him, but there was also a hint of sadness in them that shredded him.
Something had to give here. And soon. “Forgive me, baby. I just wanted you here with me today.”
She continued to stare at him for another minute, then she nodded. “But we’re definitely working, got it? I want to give Sheena a progress report by close of play.”
“We’ll be done by lunchtime. Then I’ll take you to lunch. If you want,” he tagged on quickly when her brow started to rise. “Or we can prolong work and call it a business lunch.”
She shook her head in exasperation. “Do you not have… I don’t know, other work to do?”
“My workday is… fluid.” He had nothing planned in his immediate future beyond doing everything in his power to hang on to her.
Her eyes met his and slowly wary speculation grew in the mesmerizing depths.
“How long do you think you can keep this up, Zach?” Again, that sadness, that soul-deep echo of pain, which cut a jagged path through him.
“Fight to keep from losing you? As long as I have breath in my body.”
Her own breath caught but she began to pull away.
“Bethany—”
“I need a shower,” she said, her tone more than suggesting that she didn’t need company.
He dug his feet into the carpet, to keep from stalking after her when she headed for the bathroom. Shucking a hand through his hair, he calculated the time difference on the West Coast and exhaled noisily. He was beginning to realize that even if his attorney managed to get the non-disclosure clause lifted, he would have to tell Bethany a lot more about his life than Farrah and what had led to the incident six years ago.
For one thing, there was also the issue of his mother and her lifestyle.
Compared to the parenting he’d been through while growing up, Bethany’s parents were saints. Saints who wouldn’t want him around their daughter when they learned of his depraved past. Of his mother’s proclivities.
He’d seen the way Bethany had been cut up about her asshole ex, and the way she’d reacted to his bombshell. How would she react if he told her his mother had done worse, and continued to do so?
The sound of running water hit his ears. He paced to the bathroom door and sucked in a sustaining breath. He needed to give her space. Give her a minute to collect her thoughts?—
Fuck that. He needed her. Being around her made him forget what a fucked-up life he’d led until tragedy had propelled him into sickened numbness.
He entered the bathroom and stopped at the sight of her. Jesus, she was fucking magnificent. Stupid to feel jealous of the water running down her body, but where Bethany was concerned, logic had flown out the window a long time ago.
She’d secured her long hair on top of her head and was leaning forward so the water hit the top of her spine. With her hands braced on the wall, he was reminded of their first shower in Paris when he’d lost control and come all over her ass.
He grew hard within seconds. He must have made a sound because she turned sharply.
The haunted sadness in her eyes made him grit his teeth. “Shit, Bethany, I can’t stand that look in your eyes,” he rasped.
“Then fix it,” she replied. Hearing the tears clogging her voice made his chest tighten. “Do you trust me, Zach? Even a little?”
“I do trust you.”
She shook her head. “Not enough, obviously.”
He stalked to the vanity, aware that her eyes followed him. Leaning against it, he crossed his arms. “I signed a non-disclosure clause agreeing never to talk about what happened six years ago. My attorney is working to overturn it.”
Her eyes widened. “You mean you can’t legally talk about how she died?”
He nodded. “I’ve been trying, but her family aren’t cooperating.” His jaw tightened. “And deep down, I don’t blame them.”
“Why not?”
His chest filled with regret, pain and a desperate panic that he was skidding towards saying something that would cost him the beautiful woman in front of him. But he couldn’t seem to stem the flow of his words. “Because she was doomed the moment she met me.”
“God, Zach…”
Ice speared into his soul, throwing him back to a time he could never forget. “She was innocent, Bethany. She had no fucking clue what the real world was like. She was a virgin, for heaven’s sake. I fucked her up so badly, even I could barely recognize her in the end.”
She flinched at his harsh tone. He speared a hand through his hair and tried to breathe, fighting to pull back from the brink he was skating toward. Absently, he heard the shower shut off. A moment later, she stood in front of him.
“Did you force her to do anything against her will?” she asked.
He frowned, his thoughts a jumbled chaos. “Did I…? Probably. Possibly. I was pretty full of myself back then. I had life by the balls, and I was squeezing it for all it was worth. I was pretty damn capable of anything. I knew it and made sure everyone around me knew it too. I think I hammered that point home with Farrah most of all.”
She took another step closer. “How?”
He tried to shrug, but his shoulders wouldn’t move. “She trusted me. I made sure she knew what the consequences would be if she ever betrayed that trust. I… made her choose between her family and me. She chose me. And ended up paying the ultimate price for it.” Pain seared his insides, followed swiftly by a damning ice that threatened to freeze his heart.
She touched his arm and immediately the ice started to recede. “Zach, I’m sorry.”
He grabbed her hand and tugged her closer. Her body was drenched from the shower but she was warm and soft and everything he yearned for, despite knowing deep in his soul that he didn’t deserve her.
Her arms circled his shoulders, and she buried her face in his neck. His breath shuddered out as she held him tight.
God, he never wanted to let her go. Never.
“Is that why you’re afraid to trust me? Why you keep pushing me away?” she whispered raggedly.
“I’m terrified of what you’ll see if I open up. That you’ll see someone you don’t want to be with.”
“The person you think you are, did he start and end with Farrah?” Her question cut to the heart of his every fear.
For several minutes he couldn’t speak. “No,” he finally admitted.
“But she’s the reason you’ve closed yourself off, isn’t she?”
“I’ve had to. I can’t risk putting anyone else through that. Her family are still grieving over what I did, Bethany. What I can never undo.”
She leaned back and looked at him. “So you’re going to spend the rest of your life punishing yourself, paying the price by never risking happiness?”
“I don’t deserve to be happy.”
Pain clouded her eyes. “Then what am I doing here?”
The bottom fell out of his world. Numbly, he shook his head. “I… don’t deserve it. That doesn’t mean I don’t crave it.”
She pulled back another inch. “So you want me to do all the work while you hide behind whatever guilt is consuming you?” Her voice shamed him. Completely and utterly. But still he held on. Letting go was not an option.
“I’m trying. I’m willing to work for it. Work for you. You told me you loved me in Morocco. I want to deserve that love.” Desperation clawed through him when her expression didn’t change. “Tell me you love me, Bethany.”
Her eyes darkened, and she sucked in a breath. “I… can’t.”
Pain seared deeper. The earth shifted beneath his feet as pure terror took hold. “Why the hell not? You said it once, I don’t think you can take it back.”
“I think you were right. I said it too early. You didn’t want to hear it then, remember?”
“I want to hear it now! Have you changed your mind? Is that it? You’ve caught a glimpse of the monster underneath and you’re beating a hasty retreat?”
She jerked out of his arms. “Shut up, Zach. Once again, you’re presuming you know what’s in my heart and mind. I’m here. Despite what you told me, I’m here with you. Why can’t you trust in that?”
“Because I look into your eyes and I see the sadness. I see the pain. I can already feel you slipping through my fingers. You say you won’t run, but you sure as hell can retreat. You’re already doing that.”
She shook her head and glanced down at her feet. He’d thought looking into her eyes hurt. But not seeing her expression hurt even more.
“You were right. The real world is kicking our asses pretty hard.”
His bark of laughter ricocheted around the bathroom. “Just say the word, and we can get on a plane and head to Bora Bora.”
“We can’t run away from our problems, Zach.”
“We won’t be running if we’re together. We’d just be facing them with a much better view.”
“I can’t step away from my life. Or my job. As much as the sound of Bora Bora thrills me.”
“So what do you suggest?” he asked before he could think better of it.
She turned and plucked a towel from the heated rail. Watching her cover her incredible body made him swallow hard and fight to keep from ripping away the piece of cloth.
“We agreed on a question a day in Marrakech. I want that back on the table.”
His chest burned, but he nodded. “Okay.”
A sheen of tears filmed her eyes. “Thank you.” She turned away.
When she reached for the doorknob, he jerked upright and crossed to her. Once again, that feeling of unraveling assailed him. His heart pounded with despair and desperation.
Catching her wrist, he stopped her from leaving the bathroom. “Baby?” His hands slid up her arms to cup her shoulders.
“Hmm?”
He breathed in then exhaled noisily. “Don’t let the love die. When the time comes, when I earn it, I want to hear you say you love me like you did in Marrakech. If it’s not too much, can you promise me that?”
“Yes. I promise.”
His breath shuddered out, and he trailed his mouth down her neck. “Thank you.” He stepped closer and heard her breath catch. “God… thank you.”
He slid one arm around her shoulders and pulled her back into him. She smelled heavenly of soap and warm, alluring woman. His cock jerked against her ass. She gasped.
“Jesus, Zach, how can you be hard even now?”
He laughed against her smooth throat. “You have no fucking clue how hot you are if you don’t understand that I can’t help being hard when you’re close.”