Chapter 21
21
A shudder of revulsion scoured his insides, and Zach felt her hand tighten around his waist. When the shaking didn’t stop, he drained his wine and willed his unraveling control back into his body.
“Zach, there was no possible way you could know that things would end up that way. Thousands of people experiment one way or the other when they’re young. Not everyone turns into a raging addict.”
He winced and saw contrition cloud her eyes.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean it that harshly.”
He shook his head. Only Bethany would state the blatant truth then apologize for the delivery. “Did you?” he asked.
“Did I what?”
“Did you experiment?”
Her gaze slid away, and she shook her head. When he winced again, those blue eyes slammed back into his. “Not because I was some goody two shoes. The only reason I didn’t try anything was because one whiff gave me a violent headache.” She gave a mocking laugh and shrugged. “My body was warning me not to mess with it. And I was too chicken to disobey it.”
“You weren’t chicken. You were being sensible.” He gazed into her stunning face, amazed all over again by how gorgeous she was, inside and out. How incredibly lucky he was to be sitting there with her. To shamelessly let her sooth away the sharp knife of memory that threatened to slash his insides to shreds.
“What’s going on in that head of yours, Zach?” she asked softly.
He slid his hand from her nape to her jaw and down to her plump lips. “I’m thinking, ‘If only I’d met you then, instead of…’” He stopped himself for the futile wish, even as another jab kicked his heart into his gut again.
What sort of bastard was he, wishing a woman out of existence, whose life he’d messed up and ended? “God, you must think I’m a fucking A-hole by now.”
She gave a soft gasp. “No. We all wish things to be different in hindsight. I wish I’d fought harder when I was being held under water and I thought I was about to die. I wish I’d told my parents what a fucked-up individual he really was. I wish I’d confronted Chris about my suspicions that he was cheating, long before he pulled the rug from underneath me. It’s natural to want a different outcome after the fact. The best we can do is to make life the way we want it right now.”
“You’re fucking incredible, you know that?”
“I know.”
A laugh jerked out of his constricted chest. She leaned forward and offered her mouth, and greedy bastard that he was, he took it, groaning at the goodness and pleasure that just kissing her brought him. He cursed under his breath when she started to pull away before he’d had nearly enough.
“Tell me the rest.”
Tension whipped up a storm inside him. “The cycle continued. She would get clean for a while, then relapse. The month before grad school ended, I’d almost gotten the first Indigo Lounge blueprint finished. She was excited by the concept, even helped with some great ideas about the whole thing.”
He felt Bethany begin to tense beneath his touch, and he silently cursed. He knew he would be climbing the walls by now if it was her telling him about an ex.
Sliding a hand under her thighs, he picked her up and repositioned her in his lap. He trapped her to him with a hand on her hip and felt her relax a little into him.
Breathing easier, he forced himself to continue. “A couple of weeks before the maiden Indigo Lounge flight, her family started pressuring her to return home.”
“She didn’t want to return, of course,” Bethany stated.
He glanced at her. There was nothing but simple understanding in her eyes, as if she knew exactly what had motivated Farrah. “She was in love with you.”
Pain seared his chest and burned from the inside out as he recalled just how messed up things had been back then. “I guess you could call it that.”
Bethany’s gaze dropped, and her breath shuddered out. His hand tightened on her hip, desperate to hang on to the connection he felt when he looked into her eyes. “Baby?”
“It’s okay,” she muttered. Her eyelashes fluttered before she glanced back at him. “I’m okay. So you felt the same way about her, I guess?”
“I liked her. I enjoyed her company… when she was sober.”
Her beautiful mouth compressed. “Don’t trivialize your feelings for my sake, Zach.”
“I… Fine, I was into her. She was smart and funny when she wasn’t using. When she was using… it was a different story.”
“But the sex was great. Right?” she whispered.
He held his tongue and forced himself to just breathe.
She slowly stiffened, and he felt her withdrawing from him. His fingers dug into her hip, and he cursed.
“Fuck, Bethany. Don’t you dare compare yourself to her. Because she would lose. Every time. But I told you I would never lie to you. I like sex. You know that. And yes, we were compatible in the sack.” He released her hip and gripped her chin. When she raised her gaze, her eyes shimmered with pain. “But nothing comes close to what you do to me. No one has ever made me feel what you do, and no one else will. Believe that or I will be forced to prove it to you.”
When her eyes raked his face and paused at his mouth, he forced himself not to abandon this insane confession and just rip their clothes off and make good on his threat.
“Tell me you believe me.”
“I believe you.”
Relief poured through him. Her body gradually relaxed against his, her soft curves settling into his harder ones. She still wore the sexy, floaty number she’d worn to dinner, and he gave in to the need to lift her hem and slide his hand between her warm thighs.
Her breath hitched beautifully, and her eyelids fluttered again. “Zach…”
“It’s okay. We’re not straying off subject. Not yet anyway. But I get to exercise my right to touch you.”
Her head settled on his shoulder, and he breathed a little easier. “Okay.”
A part of him wished she would fight him so he could abandon talking and let his body take over. Cowardly, he knew, but reliving what had happened six years ago had never been easy for him. He trailed his hand down and back up, struggling to find the right words.
“A week before the launch, her brother called, told her he was coming to get her. She freaked out. At first, I didn’t really see the big deal. She was only going home for a while, just to show her parents she was okay. I even offered to go with her.”
Bethany frowned. “What was the problem?”
“She flatly refused to go. I’d been keeping an eye on her and knew she wasn’t using. So I knew she wasn’t just being high and irrational. I called her brother and tried to get to the bottom of what was going on. Turned out her family had arranged for her to marry some guy she’d grown up with.” Residual rage filled his vision for a moment before he blinked it away. “Remember how I told you what an unstoppable dick I was back then?”
Wide blue eyes held his, sympathy softening the vivid depths. “She was with you. It couldn’t have been easy to hear she was promised to someone else.”
His grip tightened, and his chest filled with awe at her complete understanding. “It wasn’t. My dickish behavior really emerged then. I may have told her whole family to go fuck themselves. Even though a part of me knew she would be better off back in Marrakech where her access to drugs would be hugely minimized, and she had a chance of getting clean once and for all, I still took the stubborn prick approach. She was mine, and I wasn’t letting her go.”
She looked down and shut her eyes, and he fought not to be swallowed by panic. “Bethany?”
“It’s okay. I just need a minute.” Her voice was barely above a whisper.
His hand crept higher and brushed between her legs. Her eyes flew open.
“I can’t stand it when I can’t see your eyes, baby. When you look at me, even when you’re seriously pissed at me, I feel I can cope.” Unable to help himself, he pressed harder. His cock thickened when his fingers met her dampness. Her shudder echoed within him. When her hips twitched against his hand, he sighed.
“The IL trip was a five-stopper, starting from Vegas. The morning we were supposed to leave, Farrah’s brother, Karim, landed at JFK and called to say he was on his way to Vegas to bring her home.” He swallowed as an icy shiver broke over him. “I’d never seen such naked fear. She went completely insane. I suspected she’d scored some drugs, but I refused to believe she’d relapsed again. I tried to talk to her, but she was completely irrational about the whole thing. I’m not sure whose idea it was, but all of a sudden the idea of getting married was on the table.”
Bethany’s mouth quivered, and he knew he needed to finish this quickly. Hearing him describe his relationship with another woman couldn’t be easy for her. God, he was in hell reliving it.
“We were in the right place. I had enough people on speed dial to make things happen. Plus, I was getting a chance to win against her asshole of a brother. We got married an hour before we went on the first IL flight.”
“And then what happened?”
Regret and sorrow bit deep into his gut, threatened to claw him inside out. He buried his face in her hair and shut his eyes. “Then Armageddon took a left turn into hell.”