Chapter 24 #2
I guess a part of me never wanted to fully accept what had happened to me that night almost two years ago when Brian Manders spiked my drink at the last party of junior year.
The events of that night are hazy, with some mental lagoons appearing from time to time. Sometimes I get flashes of what happened whenever I get a whiff of the cologne he wore when he raped me, or when I taste beer. My trauma comes tied to my senses, not my memory.
I don’t remember how everything started.
I have a vague recollection of talking to him briefly that night when we played Beer Pong, then everything gets blurry.
I remember feeling woozy and thinking it was due to the game.
I’ve always been a bit of a lightweight when it comes to alcohol, so playing any drinking game gets me drunk pretty fast, but I didn’t drink much.
He offered to take me to his room to catch my breath, and I don’t remember ever agreeing.
All I know is that one minute I was next to the Beer Pong table, and the next he was undressing and climbing on top of me.
The worst part about the drug is that I couldn’t move.
I’m always great at bolting out of places, but I couldn’t do it then.
I couldn’t do anything, not even close my eyes to avoid seeing how he took advantage of me, not even when the pain and burn were overwhelming.
And I never told anyone this.
Only Cerys, and only after she went through the same thing.
How could he have known about it?
“You told me, Mabel. Don’t you remember?”
No, I don’t.
After Cerys told me about her rape and I went with her to get the rape kit done, I went down a self-destruction spiral for days. Drinking too much, barely getting any sleep at night because I would remember Brian’s eyes as he pounded inside me.
“I-I don’t know.”
Aidan caresses the edge of my jaw, wiping the tears hanging from it. I move my head to the side, not wanting to feel his touch, and I end up meeting Danny’s eye.
I shy away from him, avoiding his expression. Fear scratches my open wounds, my heart aching with vulnerability. I’m too terrified to see his reaction. I don’t want him to think differently of me now that he knows the truth.
“It was after Cerys came forward,” Aidan continues, refreshing my memory. “You told me you felt guilty for failing her because you backed out of filing your own complaint against Brian, leaving her to stand up to him on her own.”
I close my eyes, getting flashes and pieces of that conversation now that he pulls the memory from the deepest crevices of my brain. I was horribly drunk when I confessed my truth in front of the fountain where Brian’s corpse was found months later.
God, I felt horrible for backing out when Cerys asked for my support.
She has always had my undying loyalty, but I was too scared about what would happen to me if I did.
Cerys’ parents weren’t as rich as Brian’s, but they live comfortably.
They could afford lawyers and supported their daughter in every way she needed.
I couldn’t imagine making my family stand against Senator Manders’ legal team and dirty money.
We barely had enough to scrape by growing up.
They would’ve crushed us completely and I didn’t want to be responsible for ruining my parents’ lives too.
It was enough knowing Brian had already taken something very important from me. So I pretended to be strong, especially for Carmen. I never wanted her to see me like this; broken and scarred.
I meet her gaze and my heart aches when I see the tears sliding down her cheeks.
I want to wipe them and tell her to stop crying, that I’m okay, but I can’t.
I’m not okay, and she must know it because her eyes harden with hatred when she focuses on Aidan.
“Oh, Mabel,” Aidan says sweetly. “That night, you showed me you trust me more than anyone else in the world. I knew I would do anything to keep you safe, which is why I never said anything when you killed Brian.”
“But I didn’t kill him,” I repeat. “You guys believe me, right?” I ask, glancing at Carmen and Cerys.
And then my gaze focuses on Danny. His expression springs a new wave of tears from my eyes. Brows arched, lips slightly parted, eyes glossy. He looks utterly devastated and lost. My chest tightens.
Aidan grabs my jaw and forces me to look at him instead.
“You don’t have to lie anymore. There was nothing else you could’ve done.
Going to the authorities would’ve been a complete failure, I get it.
Especially after everything Cerys was going through with the case and the way her name was getting smeared all over.
He would’ve wrecked you,” he concludes like it’s reason enough for me to murder someone, like this ridiculous theory makes perfect sense in his mind.
“You never told me the logistics of it, but I think it’s pretty obvious the rage won.
You needed justice for yourself, for your best friend.
You killed him in the same place you confessed to me, and that’s how I knew.
But don’t worry, sweetie. It was the right thing to do. ”
“Is that why you chose to murder my friends?” I dare to ask.
He tilts his head.
“Well, most of them weren’t your friends.”
Like that excuses what he’s done, the lives he has ended in my name. I don’t want to carry that weight on my shoulders, yet he’s putting it on me regardless. Just because he carries a warped sense of vengeance for me.
“Cerys? Carmen? Danny?” I supply. “They had nothing to do with that!”
Most of them didn’t even know about it until he exposed my secret just now for everyone to hear.
“Collateral damage. They wouldn’t understand why you killed Brian. Besides, someone has to take the fall for everything.”
“Why Danny? Why not Seth, who was a complete asshole?”
Why attack the only guy in the world who has ever made me feel safe and secure?
Aidan laughs and lifts a finger in the air like he needs a moment.
“No, no, you don’t get to make me look like the toxic one here, sweetheart,” he excuses himself. “You know I’m right about them not understanding why you did it. It’s not like everyone believed Cerys, right?”
I grind my molars, hoping I’m able to turn them into dust.
Then, Carmen breaks into laughter. Her loud cackles reverberate in my chest as she shakes her head, trying to catch her breath. Tears sprout from the corners of her eyes, and, with one finger, she wipes them away, smudging her make-up even more than it already is.
“What a joke,” she scoffs at Aidan’s logic. “You really think Mabel has a murderous bone in her body?”
His expression grows serious. “I know she did it.”
Carmen cackles again.
“Oh, you dumb freak. She didn’t kill anyone.”
“How are you so sure about that?”
My sister blows a sharp breath, her expression losing the humor as she lifts her chin defiantly.
“Because it was me,” Carmen confesses with a proud smile on her face. “I killed Brian Manders.”