Chapter 21
BELL
I feel like a caged animal as I stare at the bedroom door, yet I don’t have the willpower to get off this bed and free myself.
I’m not a prisoner. Not even a patient. I’m free to step right out that door whenever I want. Yet I don’t. I can’t.
I just… can’t.
My entire body aches, like I’ve been hit by a train and then run over by a long line of trucks in its wake.
I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t even go seeking it out. Yet the crash of those substances lighting up my veins has hit harder than I could ever imagine.
One instance. Not even a relapse but forced on me by a monster, and now I’m terrified the moment I walk out that door, my feet will lead me to find another hit.
The fatigue and tremors only lasted half a day, but the emotional crash is what’s taking longer than I expected. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to fight the urge if it hits me.
The way I felt with the cocaine in my system… It’d just be so easy to say, ‘fuck it’, and give in to the temptation.
But shit, I came close to it all ending, and if it wasn’t for Doc’s quick response to my seizure, I’m not sure I’d be here today to dwell over everything.
I know it’s only been a couple of days since it happened, but I need to get to a meeting, or call my sponsor or something.
The rap of knuckles against the door has me stiffening, and I’m about to call out that I don’t want visitors when the door opens, and Kit’s blue eyes find mine.
“You’re awake.”
I don’t respond as he steps into the room. The guest room, I might add.
I guess I’m getting what I wanted in the first place. To be left alone. For me and Kit not to be a thing.
I don’t say anything. I can’t. My head isn’t right. My emotions are up the shit. And I feel like a ticking time-bomb.
Moving across the space, his eyes rake over me, lingering on the side of my face where I know there are bruises. They match the ones on my back, where I was sure I might have broken something after what happened, but Doc cleared me with a cracked rib. Not a break.
According to him, I’m as tough as nails. I don’t feel it though. Not today.
As Kit closes the distance, he holds something out to me, and my gaze falls on Christmas wrapping paper and a little red bow.
My brows shoot up as I glance back up at him.
“A gift. From Santa.” He smirks, and shit, I can’t even fight the way my lips start to spread wider in a grin.
“Sant…” I clear my throat and try again. “Santa?”
He nods, lowering to sit on the mattress by my side.
“Special delivery.” He presses it into my hands, forcing me to take it.
“I don’t have anything for you,” I rasp, my mood plummeting as this stupid fucking rollercoaster I’m on drops low again.
“Trust me, this gift is for both of us.”
When I lock eyes with him, mine burn with the threat of tears, and he must notice, his own gaze softening.
“You’re okay, Bell. Libi’s okay. We are all okay.”
“But Libi… Kit, she won’t be okay. This will haunt her.”
His eyes drop to my lap as he nods. “I know. I’ve already reached out to my therapist to get the details of one that can help her.”
“You have a therapist?” I whisper, but he hears, those blue eyes flicking back up to mine as he nods.
“I do. I know Tillie would have told you what we both suffered through as kids. I work on that shit every fucking day to make sure I’m the best dad I can be for my little girl.”
Shit. I don’t know why that surprises me so much, but it does.
Kit can be a hard arse. He’s not a feelings kind of guy, although, I must admit the way he’s been with me has opened my eyes to a different version of him.
“Has Libi spoken much about what happened?” I ask, worrying my lip between my teeth for a moment. “I don’t exactly remember much, but I remember her. I woke up to her little hand stroking my head, begging for me to wake up. She sounded so scared, Kitson. So bloody scared.”
His eyes glass over with a wet sheen, revealing his vulnerability.
“Things could have been worse for her if you hadn’t gone there, but fuck, Bell. What were you thinking?”
“I was thinking I’m some badass serial killer that lures predators in and kills them without too much drama.” I shrug, cringing. “This time, I’ll admit, I was in over my head.”
His hand darts up to cup my face as he tugs me closer, his eyes wild.
“No fucking shit. They drugged you. Fuck, Bell. You could have been killed.”
“I know,” I breathe as he stares so deeply into my eyes that I swear he can see all of my secrets. “I would have happily died for her though. You know that, right?”
“I fucking know,” he rasps, emotion clogging his throat before he presses his lips to mine.
I’m really not used to kissing so much. It’s entirely possible I have a new addiction though, because kissing Kitson Hall is quickly replacing my need for breath play.
Shit. There are so many feelings rushing through me right now as our tongues brush. I feel like I can’t get close enough, and I can hardly understand it since I really prefer space rather than human contact if I can help it.
When he breaks the kiss, all I can focus on is the threat of tears I’m not used to giving in to, and I force my eyes low, hoping he doesn’t see.
“Hey.” His fingers hook under my chin, lifting my head so I have no choice but to look at him.
“I’m sorry you got dragged into all of this.
And I’m really fucking sorry they drugged you.
But I’m not sorry for the way I feel about you, Bell.
Not one fucking bit. None of that has changed for me.
If anything, the fact you willingly put yourself in danger to save my little girl has only solidified my feelings for you. ”
When I part my lips to speak, his finger presses to them, shushing me.
“Yes, Bell. I have feelings for you. Strong feelings. And yeah, I know they are largely tied to how well we match in the bedroom, but fuck, I can’t deny that we are pretty fucking compatible out of it as well.”
I shove his hand away so I can speak.
“We argue, Kitty Kat. A lot. That’s hardly compatible.”
He chuckles. “Actually, I think it makes us more compatible.” He shuffles closer, reaching out to grip my hips, and a second later, he lifts me to straddle his lap, bringing us face to face. “Life would be boring if all we did was get along.”
“Tillie…” I breathe as his fingers weave into my hair.
“Is fine with it.”
My brows hitch. “You told her?”
“Fuck yeah, I did. She even lectured me for a full half an hour over the phone about disowning me if I break your heart.”
“She did?” I whisper, feeling those raw fucking emotions again.
I figured I’d be the one who got lectured. Or cast aside. I’m not her blood. She owes me nothing, and I’ve probably brought Tillie more heartache than happiness over the years. I was sure she’d think I wasn’t good enough for her brother.
“She did. Have you been teaching her about your serial killer ways?” he smirks teasingly. “I actually believed her when she said she’d chop my nuts from my body and grind them up in a blender.”
A laugh bubbles from my lips, and the worry I’d been feeling starts to recede.
“That does sound like something I’d say.”
He nods. “Exactly. So, you know how much I love my nuts. I’m not about to risk them on just anyone.”
My gaze falls to his lips as the overwhelming urge to kiss him again starts to consume me.
“You’d risk your old man balls for me?”
“A thousand times over,” he chuckles, shaking his head. “And they are not fucking old man balls. I’m only thirty.”
“Yeah,” I scoff. “Like I said, old man—”
Before I know what’s happening, he growls and steers my head with his tight grip in my hair, smashing his lips into mine.
The moment our tongues brush again, I melt. I feel like putty in his hands. Completely and willingly at his mercy, and I realise there’s no other drug on this Earth that can make me feel like this.
Kitson Hall is it. My kryptonite. My addiction.
We moan into each other’s mouths as I roll my hips, feeling his hard length bulging under the fabric of his shorts, right against the damp part of my panties.
“Fuck, Bellicent.” Kit breathes against my lips, not willing to pull back completely. “The images those lips conjure in my head. I fucking love kissing you.”
I can’t help but deepen the kiss at his words, feeling like I’m more than I’ve ever been to anyone in these moments we share.
It’s almost overwhelming, and before I realise what I’m doing, I pull back and slap his face.
His eyes flare and he hisses, fisting my hair tighter.
“You want to hurt?” he seethes, and I nod, desperate to feel him unleash his beast.
“Remind me why we are as compatible as you say we are,” I sneer, and those kissable lips of his kick up at the corners.
“Did they touch you?” he snaps, and I quickly shake my head, knowing that he wants to know if they raped me, and his shoulders drop in relief.
I don’t bother telling him about the blowie I gave Snake on the way to his house. I was playing a role. It was a necessity in order to find Libi, and some things, Kit just doesn’t need to know.
“Fuck. That’s good.” He smiles, running his hands over my hair like I’m precious, and shit. I don’t think I’ve ever been precious to anyone.
Always the one they want to fuck. Never the one they want to keep.
But Kit wants me. More than just to fuck, otherwise telling Tillie wouldn’t have been necessary.
“I want to punish you, Bell. So fucking much, but first, open your gift from Santa.”
I snicker, biting my lip as I ease back from him, my fingers already gripping the gold and black Christmas paper so tightly that I’ve made a hole in the wrapping.
Both of us cast our eyes to the gift, and I tear at it, eager to see what Kit got me.
The moment the paper is free, a laugh bubbles from my lips as I hold up the open mouth gag between us.
“Oh Santa. This is the best pressie I’ve ever gotten,” I say dramatically, grinning at Kit, and he winks.
“Told you it was for both of us.”