Chapter 39
THIRTY-NINE
Elle
OH MY GOD. MY TEMPLES pulsed with anger as all my newfound confidence drained from my body.
Not even Austin’s strength supporting me from across the room could lessen the blow of the news.
“You have got to be kidding,” Austin interjected.
I had no words left to give.
“I wish I were.” Jesse reached for my hand.
I stepped back, away from his tidal wave of chaos that tried to pull me back under.
“When did you find out, and why wasn’t I notified?” Austin barked.
He seemed just as shocked by the news as I was. Although I also noticed a hint of something else behind his forest eyes. Something almost … empathetic?
“How would I know why you weren’t notified?
You’re supposed to be the one in charge, Chief.
It’s easy to lose track of time here …” Jesse scoffed at Austin.
Their uneven power dynamic was alarming.
“I found out a few weeks ago maybe. Long enough to sit with it and let the thought scare the hell out of me. I don’t even know when I’m getting out of here.
How am I supposed to support Rita or be a dad? ”
My guts dropped onto the speckled linoleum floor at the admission. Jesse’s life was more different now than I’d ever seen coming.
More different than I ever could have imagined.
“How could you keep writing back to me and never mention this?” I asked, begging for clarity.
“You wrote to me like everything was fine. You let me work extra shifts to ensure I had enough money saved to get here, and not once did you mention a delay, that you were struggling, nothing. Am I not worth that decency?”
The skin between his eyebrows pinched. Jesse’s expression morphed from hurt to confused before he looked at Austin.
The three of us exchanged a triangular moment of silence.
Austin inhaled loudly, and I glanced at him.
His jaw hardened in a way I hadn’t seen while both of his palms clenched to the point of white knuckles.
“I had no way to communicate after the incident, Elle. I honestly can’t believe you still came after not hearing from me for so long. Since they caught me with Rita, I haven’t been able to contact anyone—no letters or calls. I haven’t written to you or received mail in over a month …”
Jesse’s words penetrated my heart like a dagger, jaggedly slicing the organ like it was made of thin, wet paper. He scratched his neck and ran a hand through his disheveled hair. In answer, I rocked, unsteady, on my legs.
He’d written to me the entire time he was here, aside from the pause of a few weeks when no one in his division was permitted to send mail.
I wrote back.
Those things I knew to be true. We’d talked about personal things, things only we would know. I’d sent intimate photos. We’d made plans.
What the fuck is going on?
“But … but you said you earned computer privileges. You said you could write me more letters, not less. We talked about how the distance made us stronger and how things would be better when we graduated because you had a new appreciation for our time together. For us. I’m confused …”
Suddenly, a jolt of realization filled me.
Followed by sheer, unfiltered panic. The kind of panic that scarred.
I looked at Austin—my lighthouse, my tide through the chaos of the weekend—puzzled. Desperation ate away at his face, one I’d fallen hard and fast for—the one I’d trusted so easily.
“What’s going on here?” My line of sight ping-ponged between Austin and Jesse.
Silence.
More silence.
“Somebody say something!” I screamed. My face found stability between my hands that flung up, landing on either side of my temples.
“Why wasn’t I notified that Jesse’s graduation was delayed, and how did I get letters when he wasn’t allowed to send them?
Who the fuck have I been talking to if it wasn’t you, Jesse?
” The dryness peppering my throat choked me.
Nausea crawled through my intestines like a fish with no fins.
When did I become a pawn instead of the queen?
“What the hell did you do, asshole?” Jesse finally spoke.
The stare he bored into Austin could have turned him to stone. Instead, it cemented my confusion.
“I protected the woman’s heart that you had no problem destroying. That’s what I did.”
The second the words left Austin’s lips, I wanted to disappear.
“What … what do you mean?” I gripped the desk behind me to keep myself upright.
“Yeah, Chief, we’d love to know what you mean by that,” Jesse spat sharply.
Austin’s Adam’s apple rose and sank like a boat lost at sea.
“Jesse, it’s time for you to go back to holding. I don’t need to explain shit to you.” Austin swung open his office door. “I’ll be right back, Elle. I can explain everything. It will all make sense, okay? Please, you’ve got to believe me …”
Hopelessness blanketed his face. He didn’t touch me, but I knew he wanted to. His saddened stare pummeled me before I looked away.
“I’m not sure I can believe anything from either of your mouths …”
Austin grabbed Jesse’s arm and tugged him through the doorway before he could say anything else.
He peered around the door. “I promise you, it will all make sense. Please, I’m begging you, don’t leave this room,” Austin added frantically.
I didn’t respond. I couldn’t.
The door slammed behind him, trapping me in the office I hoped held the answers neither Austin nor Jesse had fully revealed.
How many minutes did I have to find them before he came back?
It was time to break apart the Heartbreak Room.