Chapter 15
15
Sofi titled her face up to the sun, took a deep breath, and released it. She hadn’t felt so at peace for a minute. It wasn’t just because of the gorgeous weather, La Lupe—the queen of Latin soul—playing from the speaker next to her, or her dog cuddled up on her lap. It was the fact that she wasn’t stuck in her office juggling a bunch of projects she couldn’t care less about. After a long week and a half of late nights trying to get ahead on her work projects so she could focus on the wedding without guilt, she was living for the Fourth of July weekend.
Sofi turned her head to the side to look at Abuela Fina and her mom, who were in their own lounge chairs next to hers. “This is nice. I’m glad I get to hang out on the roof with you two.”
Mami was leaned back in her chair taking a drink of her mango jalape?o margarita. “I’m happy you made me take off on my day off, because this is a definite step up from hanging out on the fire escape of our apartment building.”
They were on the rooftop of the Vega/Kane building which at some point in the recent past had been changed from a place where Valeria hung clothes to dry and the family roasted pigs on a spit for their famous lechón to a casual but cozy hangout space with comfy chaise loungers, little café tables, and even a small pergola. Sofi had asked if the plan was to change this space into a rooftop bar and deck for the new Kane Distillery Tasting Room and El Coquí, but was told that this was going to remain for family use only. She loved that she, Mami, and Abuela Fina were considered family. She’d never really thought about how much the Vega family meant to her on the whole. She’d of course thought about Kamilah and Leo a lot, but at some point she’d begun to see them all as her family. It’d made it even more difficult when she’d been alone in Paris. She’d taken them all for granted and she refused to do it again. She didn’t want to lose the Vegas again ever.
“I’m moving into Casa del Sol,” Abuela Fina announced randomly.
Sofi shot up from her spot reclining on the chaise lounge. Nearly dropping her own margarita on Tostón’s head. “What?”
Her grandmother gave her a look. “What’s wrong with you? Is your brain not working from the drinking?”
She shook her head at her grandmother’s question. “I’m fine,” she told her abuela. “I’m just confused. Why would you want to move into Casa del Sol when you can stay with Mami?” She turned to her mom. “Did you know about this?”
Mami nodded. “She mentioned it to me.”
“I’ve been on my own for a long time now,” Abuela Fina pointed out in Spanish. “It took me a long time to get used to it. After your abuelo and tío died, I didn’t know what to do with myself. But time went on and I learned to be independent. Not only that, but I discovered that I liked it. I liked having my own space where I could do what I wanted. I liked being beholden to no one. If I wanted to walk around my house naked, I could. If I wanted to not do laundry or mop for a week, I could. I want that again.”
Sofi could understand that. She knew that her grandma loved her mom, but living with someone was just not the same as living alone. “You want freedom,” Sofi said.
“Exacto,” Abuela Fina agreed.
Sofi looked at her mom. “You probably want yours too.”
Mami nodded. “I have such crazy hours sometimes that I feel like when I am home I have to tiptoe around. Plus, I want to walk around my house naked whenever I feel like it too.”
Sofi couldn’t argue against that. It was one of the things she missed about living alone. She wondered briefly what it said about the three of them that they liked being nude at home. Whatever. It didn’t matter. They were three badass independent women and they could do what they wanted. “I get it,” Sofi said. “I’m just going to miss your cooking when I visit. Back to soggy rice and bland beans I guess.”
Her abuela laughed when her mom whacked her arm with the towel she’d been using to wipe the sweat from her face as they sat in the sun. “You little brat,” Mami said. “You know that’s a lie.”
Sofi grinned. “You know I love you, Ma. You’re the Puerto Rican Barefoot Contessa.” She paused. “But Abuela is the Boricua Paula Deen. Minus the racism and plus the sofrito.”
Her mom simply harrumphed because she knew it was true.
Her mom was a good cook, but her abuela was better. No doubt about that.
“And who does that make you?” Abuela asked.
Mami jumped at that opportunity. “She’s that muppet who doesn’t talk and just throws a bunch of stuff in a pot.”
She and Abuela cracked up.
“Damn, Ma. You went all the way to Swedish Chef? You couldn’t even give me the rat from Ratatouille ?”
“No, because that rat could cook.”
There they went again, cackling like a duo of witches.
“See, now here I so generously brought you two up here to enjoy the beautiful day with me and you treat me like this. Que malagradecidas son.”
Her mom snorted. “You should talk. I didn’t sleep for the first five years of your life because your needy butt wanted to cry about anything and everything. The least you can do now is help me entertain your abuela and enjoy my time off.”
“So now I’m in debt for the rest of my life because you decided to have sex without protection? Where is the justice in that?”
“That’s called biblical justice,” Abuela said. “It’s an eye for an eye. Your mami was a pain in my ass and now I get to be a pain in hers. Just like you were a pain in her ass and now she’ll be one in yours.”
Sofi put her hand on Tostón’s head and gave him a slow pet. “Do you hear this, Tostón?” He groaned, stretched, and sighed without ever opening his eyes.
Since Tostón didn’t appear keen to join in on the conversation Sofi turned back to the humans with her. “Abuela, I know you’re going to love Casa del Sol. There’re plenty of caribe?os there. Plus, you’re so sociable that I know you’ll have a group of friends in no time. Although, you already have a good friend that lives there.”
“Y eso?” Mami asked.
“Oh, Abuela and Papo Vega are best friends these day. According to the grapevine they talk on the phone and everything.” Sofi slipped her sunglasses down her nose and waggled her eyebrows at them.
Abuela Fina gifted her with an epic eye roll. “You need to worry about yourself. I’ve been here for months now and I haven’t seen you do anything but go to work or hangout with friends.”
“That’s not fair,” Sofi argued. “Of course I’m spending time with friends. I’m trying to reconnect after being distanced for over a year.” She took a drink of her margarita. “And of course I’m going to be working hard. My dad counts on me. I’m basically his right hand.” Just thinking about her job made her eye twitch, so she drank a bit more. Suddenly, her glass was empty. Weird. She could’ve sworn she’d just filled it.
Abuela Fina and Mami were looking at her oddly.
“Did I ever tell you about the time I was performing La Bayadère at the Teatro Tapia?” Abuela said seemingly out of nowhere.
Oh great. She was about to start one of her stories.
Abuela Fina put her cup down and rose to her feet as graceful in her late seventies as she had been in the 1970s. “Imaginalo, Viejo San Juan 1964. I was the first girl in the corps de ballet for the ‘Kingdom of the Shades,’ so I had to do thirty-nine perfect arabesques in just the intro. But the principal dancer kept complaining that I was stealing the show. She was right of course. Everyone kept looking at me and asking why I wasn’t in the main role. She was so mad that one night during a performance she paid one of the other girls to trip me during our routine. So we get to the moment and this little tramp sticks her ankle out in front of me. I stumble half a beat, but I doubt anyone would’ve even noticed. Except then she puts her hand on my back and pushes. And since she was such a big cow compared to me, I went flying right off the stage. But as I was falling, I thought to myself, I’m not going to let these jealous cats make me look like I can’t dance. So I extended my leg into a saut de chat, pointing my toes, and leaped. When I landed I went right into a series of fouettés, whipping around like a top. I completely improvised my own solo in the aisles which got me a standing ovation. After that, the director had me do that every night. Those two had no choice but to choke on their own resentment. But they got lucky, because shortly after that night I entered Miss Puerto Rico.”
Sofi shared a look with her mom. Typical Abuela Fina, always doing THE MOST.
“Mai, what was the point of that story and what does it have to do with Sofi?” Mami asked.
Abuela gave the tiniest shoulder lift and continued in Spanish. “I’m just saying that sometimes you think you’re going to do one thing, but something throws you off track and you need to pivot. As long as you make it work for you, there’s nothing wrong with that. Just don’t let others control the path you take.”
Sofi felt like glass, completely transparent. She didn’t like that at all. “Okay, well, as fun as this is, I think it’s time for a refill,” Sofi told them. She gently pushed Tostón off her lap and stood.
He gave her a hurt look.
Abuela Fina gave him a vigorous ear scratch. “Oh, you poor baby. She’s so mean to you. Ven con Abuela.” She patted the seat next to her and Tostón wasted no time climbing up and plopping down right next to her.
Sofi slid on her chanclas and headed for the door.
“Tráigale algo frio al perro,” Abuela Fina called out. “It’s too hot for him.”
Sofi shook her head. Of course, her grandma was worried about the dog overheating even though Sofi had placed him under the umbrella, had a bowl full of ice water next to her chair, and had even frozen a wet washcloth to wipe him down.
She still couldn’t believe she had a dog. She really couldn’t believe that this four-month-old puppy was as well-behaved as he was. It was like he understood the words she spoke and listened. It was wild. The only time he didn’t seem to understand was when she told him to get off her bed and go to his kennel. The first few times she’d tried to put him in it, he’d cried, trembled, and peed himself. It made her wonder what had happened to him that he was terrified of it. Then she remembered his background and felt so horrible she let him out. Needless to say crate training was a bust and he slept in her bed. Between her, Leo, her family, and the Vegas, Tostón was one spoiled dog, but Sofi didn’t care. He deserved it.
Sofi had just stepped out of the apartment door with the rest of the pitcher of margarita and a frozen doggy enrichment bowl—both made by Leo—when she almost ran right into her mom.
“Mami,” she exclaimed, trying to calm her heart rate after her startle. “What’s up?”
“You tell me,” her mom said, walking past her into the apartment. “You’ve been acting weird ever since you got back. I’ve been waiting for you to tell me what’s going on, but you’ve been avoiding me.”
“That’s not true,” Sofi lied. “We’ve both just been really busy.”
Her mom simply stared at her.
“Okay fine. I’ve been avoiding you, but it’s not because of anything bad,” Sofi rushed to tell her. “I’m just trying to get back in the groove of things here. I didn’t expect it to be like this when I got back.”
“What does that mean?” her mom asked.
“I mean I was supposed to have this company apartment and that fell through,” Sofi began, but her mom cut her off.
“Try again and this time give me the truth. Maybe start with why just mentioning your job has you chugging tequila like water and your abuela giving you one of her parables.”
Dammit. Sofi hated how well her mom read her like a book. “I’m not happy, Mami. I haven’t been for a long time, even before I left, and I don’t know how to fix it. I should know, but I don’t. I thought leaving was the right path but that didn’t fix anything really, so I came back thinking that would help, and it has to a point, but I don’t know. Something is still missing.”
Her mom nodded as if Sofi were making sense and not rambling. “You’ve always been the type of person who makes a decision and sticks with it, so it’s not hard to see how you got to this point. You’re like me. Neither one of us sits around thinking about ourselves deeply. We just suck it up and keep going.”
“But you’re happy with your life, right, Ma? You aren’t sitting around regretting all the decisions you’ve ever made.”
“I’m not,” Mami agreed. “But I’m in my fifties, amor. When I was your age and we were struggling to make ends meet, I questioned everything. I kept questioning whether I should’ve taken your father to court for child support, if I was being selfish in trying to go to school instead of focusing on you, if I should accept the financial help your tío was always trying to force on me, if I should’ve dated more in order to find myself a partner and you a better father figure.”
The revelation wasn’t exactly surprising. “What changed?” Sofi asked.
“I realized that I couldn’t accomplish anything if I was always second-guessing myself. I needed to just do what my instincts were telling me to do. It’s what I did when I decided to keep you and that was the greatest decision I ever made. Whenever I struggled, I reminded myself of that and kept going.”
Sofi reached out and grabbed her mom’s hand. “I don’t tell you this enough, but I love you and I’m in awe of you.”
Her mom smiled an adorable, crooked side smile. “I’d ask you what you want, but it’s been years since you needed anything from me.”
“That’s not true. I’ll always need my momma.”
“I don’t know about that. You’ve always been extremely independent and capable. When you were little, you’d be the one reminding me of things. You created a calendar for us to follow, do you remember that?”
Sofi did. It had been a free calendar she’d gotten from some antidrug thing in the second grade. She’d brought it home and immediately began to fill it in with Tío Manny’s games, her speech therapy appointments, pageant things, and her mom’s classes. Then she’d stuck it on the fridge. From then on, there had always been a calendar on the fridge with all their important to-dos. Sofi shook her head at herself. “I’m such a control freak.”
“You are smart and determined,” her mom countered. “You have all the skills you need to do whatever you put your mind to. I mean look at what you’re doing for Kamilah.” She gestured to the Wedding Central wall where everything she’d planned was pinned up along with a gigantic whiteboard. “You’re putting together a wedding reception by yourself with only a few weeks to do it!”
“Well, actually, a lot of it was already done. I just had to tighten some stuff up.”
Mami shook her head. “Ay, mi nena, you’re always downplaying your achievements.” She put a hand on Sofi’s shoulder and shook it. “Listen to what I’m saying to you. You can do whatever you want to do. You don’t need to ask anyone for their blessing or permission. Your only job in this life is to make yourself happy without hurting others. Do what you gotta do, bebé. Y a los que no les gusta, que se joden.”
It was amazing how her mom could tell her exactly what she needed to hear. “I want to quit my job,” she confessed.
At that her mom froze, probably thinking all the things Sofi already continued to agonize over. “Do you know what you’d do instead?” Her tone was going for simple curiosity, but Sofi heard the worry underneath.
“I really like event planning,” Sofi said. “This feels like it takes everything I like and am good at and pushes them together in something actually high stakes.” Not that the stakes weren’t high for the companies she worked for, but at the end of the day that was all about money. This was about more. It was about realizing someone’s dream.
“Okay,” Mami said while nodding her head. “Then go for it.”
“I think I am,” Sofi said. “I just need to finish Kamilah and Liam’s wedding, so I can make a more comprehensive plan.” She paused and bit her lip. “Of course, I also have to tell my dad.”
Mami winced. “Yeah. That is undoubtedly going to be one awkward conversation, but you’re right that you need to have it and sooner rather than later. Sometimes your father needs extra time to wrap his head around things, especially when they’re unexpected.” Basically, her dad liked to have his own way and didn’t like it when people didn’t fall in line. One of the things Sofi respected the most about her mother was that she never bad-mouthed Sofi’s dad. Even when Sofi was little and he’d disappoint her in some way, her mother would simply listen and let Sofi rage, cry, or vent and then she’d ask Sofi what she wanted to do. Mami never placed herself between Sofi and her father. If anything, she was the one who encouraged Sofi to forgive and try to move forward. Mami was really the only reason that Sofi tried as hard as she did to make things work with her dad.
“He’s not going to like it,” Sofi said.
“Probably not,” Mami said. “But that doesn’t mean that you aren’t making the right choice. If this is what you feel like you need, then do it.”
Sofi nodded. “Okay, Mami. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, negrita.” She paused for a moment before throwing Sofi a mischievous smile that reminded Sofi so much of Abuela Fina and Tío Manny. “Now, let’s talk about Leo Vega.”
Sofi groaned. “No, I don’t want to talk about him. Besides, there’s nothing to talk about. We’ve been done for a long time now.”
“It doesn’t seem like it’s done,” Mami commented. “Not with the way he was fussing over you before he left and making us margaritas by hand, no premade mix.” She put emphasis on that last part as if that really meant something.
It really didn’t, but Sofi couldn’t argue with her mom about the first part. Things between her and Leo did not seem done. If anything, the more time she spent with Leo the more they seemed to be creating something different together. She wasn’t exactly sure what, but she wasn’t going to pretend like she didn’t see the writing on the walls. “Honestly, I don’t really know what’s going on. This is different for us both.” They were usually either fucking or fighting. This whole sharing secrets in the dark and taking care of each other was new. And that was scary because she felt like she was standing at the edge of a cliff known to crumble. Sure it seemed sturdy and exciting, but at any moment the ground could give way and send her careening to the jagged rocks below.
“Mira, I’m going to tell you something that I know you aren’t going to want to listen to, but I hope you do.”
Usually Sofi’s answer would be that if she wanted advice, she’d ask for it. However, she would always listen to her mother’s advice even if she didn’t take it.
“Talk to Leo,” Mami said. “For once, tell him what you’re thinking and feeling. See if he’s thinking or feeling the same. Then make a decision together, because I think you might be surprised by what you both want.”
Sofi was already shaking her head. “There’s no way, Ma. We’ve been through too much. Even if we did give it a try, there’s no way it would last long, then I’d be right where I’ve been every single time, trying to keep it all a secret so that I don’t lose the one family we really have left.”
“You mean the Vegas?”
“Of course! I see them like family and I know you do too. When Leo and I don’t work out, who do you think gets to keep them? Spoiler alert. It’s not us.”
“Maybe you two will make it work and maybe you won’t. Maybe it will ruin your relationship with the Vegas, maybe it won’t. There’s no way to ever know for sure, but at some point you need to stop hiding from anything that might hurt you, Sofia. You’re too strong to spend your life hiding and you deserve to be happy.” With that she turned and left, leaving Sofi standing there wondering if she should make the leap she wanted to make.
Because he could read her mind, at that moment her phone buzzed with a message from Leo.
Bombón, I have something I want to share with you. Meet me at our spot at 6:30.
She knew exactly where he wanted her to meet him. The place that had been their rendezvous spot since the night of their first kiss. She remembered it well because it was the night that had changed her life.
Sofi sat on her bed doing her best to stifle the sobs wracking her frame. She didn’t want Mami to hear her and wake up. She knew that Abuela Fina, who lay next to her, was down for the count thanks to the pills the doctor had given her. Sofi could jump on the bed screaming the lyrics to “America” from West Side Story and Abuela Fina would sleep on. Sofi envied her that ability to bypass the pain by being unconscious.
Sofi felt like her body was slowly and excruciatingly trying to turn itself inside out. Everything hurt, but her heart hurt the most. She didn’t think it would ever not hurt again. The two most important men in her life, the only ones she trusted at any rate, were gone for good now. They’d died a week prior, but it hadn’t seemed real until she’d watched both her mom and grandma break down when they were handed the two urns containing Tío Manny and Abuelo Juan’s ashes. It was still hard for her to believe that the two cookie jar–looking containers sitting on her dresser were all that remained of them.
There was a scratch at her window and Sofi nearly jumped five feet in the air at the sound. She rushed to her closet to grab the bat Tío Manny had given her two weeks ago. It was the one he’d used to hit his five hundredth home run, so she didn’t want to have to ruin it, but the last thing they needed at the moment was for a burglar to break in.
The scratch came again, but this time it was accompanied by a voice whispering her name.
Cursing under her breath, Sofi tiptoed to her bedroom window and slowly peeled back a corner of the blinds to see, all while maintaining her grip on the bat. When she saw who was scratching at her window like a psycho from a horror movie, she was tempted to use the bat anyway. “What the hell are you doing, Leo Vega?” she whisper-yelled.
“Open the window,” he whisper-yelled back. “It’s windy as shit out here and I’m about to be blown away.”
“That’s what you get for climbing my fire escape like a stalker.”
“Just open the damn window already.”
“No, my abuela is in here asleep.”
He huffed. “Fine, then come out. We have somewhere to be anyway.”
“Why would I want to do that?”
“Just come on. I have a surprise for you.”
Sofi thought of all the times Kamilah complained about the “surprises” her brothers would give her and decided she probably didn’t want to risk it. Leo already did whatever he could to make her life hell. Then again it wasn’t like she could be any more miserable and what else was she going to do? Stare at the urns and cry some more? At least, Leo was a distraction. “Okay, but give me a second to change.” She was still in the black dress her abuela had chosen for her to wear to the funeral. It had a puffy skirt and the sleeves were supertight. There was no way she could climb down the fire escape in that.
Sofi pulled on some jeans from her dirty pile and her school hoodie. Then she slipped her feet into her gym shoes and climbed out the window to meet him. Together they climbed down the ladder and ran around to the front of her building where a familiar car was parked. It was the Toyota all three of his older brothers had previously owned. Sofi hopped in the car and within moments they were on their way.
“Where are we going?” she asked when it became clear they were leaving the neighborhood. “Are we meeting Kamilah somewhere?”
“No Kamilah, just you and me and I told you it’s a surprise.”
Sofi wanted to argue with him, but couldn’t bring herself to. In all honesty if he planned to murder her, she’d probably not put up a fight.
The buildings started to get taller and the homes less frequent. They were heading downtown, but for the life of her she couldn’t figure out why. Then they pulled up to a street right by Millennium Park and Leo found a spot to park.
“Why are we going to Millennium Park? It’s closed right now.”
“It’s never really truly closed,” Leo said, opening his car door and getting out.
“That sounds like a good way to get us in trouble,” Sofi told him, exiting the car as well.
Leo reached into his back seat to pull out his guitar. “Nah. We’ll only get in trouble if we get caught.”
“Oh great. Now we’re definitely going to get caught.”
“Stop being such a worrier and come on.” He led the way and Sofi followed.
She trailed Leo to The Bean, where he walked underneath the tall arch and sat right in the middle. Sofi plopped down next to him. “Now what?” she asked.
Leo rummaged around in his jacket pocket and pulled out a small box. “Here,” he said, shoving it at her.
“What’s this?”
“Open it,” he commanded while he opened his guitar case.
Sofi lifted the lid and stared at what was inside. “Chocolates?” She knew her tone was one of confusion. Leo Vega didn’t give her chocolates. He also didn’t show up at her apartment in the middle of the night and whisk her away to Downtown Chicago.
“Yeah. They have caramel inside. Eat one.” He grabbed one and popped the whole thing in his mouth.
“Okay...” Sofi lifted a chocolate and took a bite. It was delicious. She couldn’t remember the last time she ate. She ate the rest of that chocolate and then two more.
When she finished her last chocolate, Leo positioned the guitar on his lap. “Are you ready?” he asked.
She had no idea, but she nodded anyway.
Leo started playing a familiar song on the guitar, but it didn’t click completely until he started singing. “En mi Viejo San Juan.”
Oh God. She was not prepared to hear her abuelo’s favorite song. It was a song about someone who left their home in San Juan for a new future. They’d always planned to go back to the place they loved, but never made it home.
As Sofi listened to Leo singing goodbyes to Puerto Rico, she couldn’t help but think about how both Abuelo Juan and Tío Manny were exactly like the writer of the song. They’d always talked about going home after Tío was done playing baseball and now they’d never see their beloved Puerto Rico again. Suddenly, everything they’d done as a memorial didn’t seem like enough. They needed to take them home to San Juan.
Sofi didn’t even realize she was crying until Leo wrapped her in his arms and pulled her into his lap. She didn’t even stop to think. She just buried her face in his neck and let it all go. She didn’t know how long she sat there slobbering, blubbering, wailing, and snotting all over Leo, but eventually her sobs calmed to hiccups. She could finally hear what Leo had been murmuring in her hair the whole time.
“It’s okay, Sofi. Let it out. I’m here. I’ve got you,” he said over and over.
Sofi used her hoodie to wipe her face. Once she was reasonably sure that her face wasn’t covered in snot and tears she looked up at him. “Why?” she rasped out through her sore throat.
Leo shrugged. “I knew you needed it.”
Sofi’s brow furrowed.
“At the service I could tell that you weren’t letting yourself cry. You were trying to be strong for your mom and abuela. I get that, but you don’t have to be strong now. I’m here and I’ll do it for you.”
“But why?” She didn’t get it. Leo always treated her like he was annoyed by her presence.
“Because I know that if I didn’t do this for you, no one would. They’d let you continue to push it all down and that’s not fair to you. You should be able to feel whatever you want without having to worry about what other people think. Since you don’t care about what I think, I was the perfect person to do it.”
Unable to process everything he’d said or how she felt about it, Sofi did the only thing she could think of. She lifted her lips to his and kissed him. She expected him to pull away or something, but he didn’t. He kissed her back. They stayed there for hours kissing and eating chocolates, and she listened to him sing “En mi Viejo San Juan” over and over again until she had no more tears to cry.
Back in the present Sofi took a deep breath and wiped at her wet eyes. That was the Leo she liked the best. The sweet, considerate one who saw her for who she was and wanted her anyway. It was Sofi’s turn to do the same for him. She told herself to just do it. Leap off that cliff and swan dive into the water below.