61. The Newlywed Text Messages
The Newlywed Text Messages
Luke: Let me know when you land, Wifey.
Princess: Landed.
Luke: Landed… what?
Princess: Landed in LAX.
Luke: You know that’s not what I meant.
Princess: Landed, Lukey.
Luke: Woman, you are not behaving.
Princess: You didn’t marry me because I behave, Hubby.
Luke: There’s my girl.
Princess: Byeeeeeee.
Luke: Have a good meeting. I’ll let you know when I’m back in Minnesota.
Luke: Landed.
Princess: Back at LAX. Will tell you when I get to Chicago.
Luke: Have a safe flight.
Princess: Landed. Going to sleep the second I get home.
Luke: Did you drive?
Luke: If you’re too tired, take an Uber and get your car tomorrow.
Luke: Or call me, and I can keep you awake on your drive home.
Luke: Call me on your drive home.
Princess: Omg, Mom, give me a moment to collect my luggage.
Luke: Morning, Green Eyes.
Luke: I didn’t forget about that little detail you mentioned when we were leaving that party. And by party, I mean our wedding ceremony. And by detail, I mean the fact that you said you were moving up here this week.
Princess: I mean this with all my heart.
Princess: Go back to bed.
Luke: Can’t. Already at the gym.
Princess: Bless you and your muscles. But my squishy ass is still in bed.
Luke: Mmm… that ass.
Luke: You could come watch me.
Princess: Watch you… at the gym?
Luke: Yeah. See how the muscles are made.
Princess: Can I bring a coffee with me?
Luke: Don’t see why not?
Princess: Are there other hot guys working out there?
Luke: Now why would you need to know that?
Princess: I like to be well informed.
Luke: Just for that, I’m leaving my shirt on while you watch me.
Princess: Don’t want to make the other guys jealous over you being the hottest. I get it.
Luke: Aww, Princess. You know how to spoil a man.
Princess: As tempting as this all sounds, I’ll need photos of the benches so I can see if they look comfortable enough to lie on.
Luke: I’ll have a lounge chair brought in.
Princess: I don’t think they’ll like that.
Luke: I bet I could get Beth to write me a note saying I needed it, then the owner would have to let me.
Princess: Who the fuck is Beth?
Luke: Just some girl.
Luke: She helps me out sometimes. Real good with her hands.
Princess: Maybe I don’t have to bother with divorce papers. I can just ask Beth and her hands to help me murder you.
Luke: *sends selfie of huge grin and sweaty hair*
Luke: This is how happy your jealousy makes me.
Princess: It’s good to die happy, I suppose.
Luke: I just laughed so loud I made some guy drop a dumbbell.
Luke: Beth is the physical therapist here.
Luke: Pretty sure she’s sworn an oath or something to do no harm.
Luke: And she’s married.
Luke: Princess, I promise you, I’m only teasing about her hands. If her husband ever heard me say that, he’d rip me to pieces.
Luke: I mean that literally.
Luke: *sends pic of a gigantic man doing pull-ups with weights hanging off his waist*
Luke: See? Terrifying.
Luke: Come to think of it, you should probably come here with me all the time as my bodyguard. He doesn’t always like my jokes. You’ll be my buffer.
Luke: Princess, you there? You didn’t go back to sleep, did you?
Princess: I can’t fall back asleep. Some guy keeps texting me.
Princess: And I’m debating if I forgive you.
Luke: *sends selfie with lower lip sticking out in a pout*
Princess: I believe you said something about taking your shirt off?
Luke: That’s only for in person. I don’t want to make the ogre jealous of my muscle definition.
Princess: I want you to know I’m rolling my eyes.
Princess: Hey, so I’ve talked to a lawyer in Minneapolis, and she’s writing up a divorce contract for us. Since we don’t have any shared assets and won’t contest anything, then it should just be a matter of signatures.
Princess: Sorry, that sounded really… I don’t know. Not great. Sorry.
Luke: Don’t apologize, Green Eyes. Thanks for taking the lead on this. I know neither of us meant to get married.
Luke: That’s a sentence I never thought I’d use.
Luke: But I hope you know that getting a divorce doesn’t mean we’re breaking up.
Princess: Hmm, I don’t know if I can date my ex-husband. Seems kinda weird.
Luke: You can and you will.
Princess: So bossy.
Luke: Damn right. Now tell me when you’re moving.
Princess: Tomorrow.
Luke: Tomorrow? Seriously?
Princess: Seriously.
Luke: Morning, Almost ex-wife Girlfriend. Are you on the road already?