14. Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fourteen
Ryan
W e finished Maddox and Ravi’s bedroom floor in two days. Near the end of the second, I had to head for physio.
Marcus was pleased with my progress.
I told him about helping with flooring. Not all that impressive, since I wasn’t actually doing the laying. Still something and, clearly to him, more importantly, I was getting out and socializing. Part of the reason he’d encouraged me to go to Healing Horses in the first place—the need to get out. Also, to deal with my problems.
To wit, my cock still had no interest in anything. Even when I imagined peeling Simeon out of those jeans, tearing off his chambray shirt, and yanking his T-shirt over his head…
Nothing.
Nada.
Nichto.
Oh. Damn. That was Russian. Better to use ni . Or niet which was sort of Dutch. Or something.
Regardless, I couldn’t get my dick interested.
Dr. Raymond promised me this was likely just a matter of time.
Likely.
He also said sorting out the psychological from the physiological would be a challenge. My vascular system worked properly. Nothing in my chest had affected down there . So the problem was in my mind?
Marcus didn’t know either.
As I sat alone in my apartment on Tuesday night, I reflected on the past two days. They’d been…almost fun. I hadn’t faced the negative spiraling thoughts that so often consumed me when I was alone.
I eyed my phone. Should’ve asked for Simeon’s number. He’s good at texting.
The guy was. His thumbs were amazing, and his dexterity clear.
Yet he was also gentle. He’d helped clean Violet’s grubby hands and, to my surprise, the gravy in her hair. In comparison, Victor had been pristine.
And somehow I’d agreed to a cocktail party on Saturday. With extra kids, dogs, and gay guys. More than I’d ever been in a room with, that was for certain.
On that thought, I settled in with my sixth Eve Dallas novel and was asleep shortly thereafter.
Waking to a dreary Wednesday was nothing new. Ever since I’d come home, rain dominated the weather. From a special spot just up the road, I could see Mount Baker—the dormant volcano in Washington State. Which was lovely. But it could only be seen when the sun was out. Which had happened, like, four times. And two of those times, I’d been at the ranch.
The ranch.
Yesterday, Simeon had casually mentioned he’d be back at the ranch today and working on flooring.
He hadn’t asked. That wasn’t his style. He’d left the door open—if I was brave enough to step through.
Fuck it…I am brave. Well, not in the ways that counted…but I could be brave when it came to helping lay flooring.
I showered—pointedly ignoring my chest. I had a stool in the shower where I could rest my foot. That meant I didn’t have to bend all the way over to wash my legs and feet. And I didn’t need to see my cock and balls to wash them. I was grateful the mirror was fogged over when I got out.
Damn. Forgot to turn on the fan. That’s important…I remember that’s important.
Well, nothing to be done about it now. I dried off carefully, then hung the towel on the rack—another thing I never used to do. My new cleaner gently explained to me why I needed to do it. Aside from the fact no one else was going to…practical reasons existed why it had to be done. Like black mold.
So with images of gross things in my mind, I reverted back to army habits and cleaned up after myself. Part of the slothfulness had been doing what I’d always done back home, part was an attempt to obliterate the army from my mind, and part was not being physically capable of doing everything in the early days.
Sufficiently dry, I moved back into the main room and started pawing through my meager clothes. I’d put off buying more—my body still hadn’t settled on a comfortable weight. Living rough for several years hadn’t leant itself to keeping the weight I’d been before—which was good. But without the bulk of being overweight, I didn’t know where I was supposed to land.
You could ask Marcus. Or Doctor Raymond. Or…wait for it…you could google it when you go to the library.
Since none of those three options appealed, I snagged my checked flannel shirt, a pair of jeans that fit decently, and added gray knit socks and my sneakers. I tossed on my peacoat, assured myself everything was to rights, then I headed out to my car.
I’d finagled out of Rainbow that Simeon was a sucker for lemon-loaf treats from Starbucks. And drank his coffee black. I pointed my car in that direction and, within just a few minutes had my tea, a coffee, and two lemon loaves. Then I headed up the Cedar Connector toward the ranch.
Should I have grabbed something for the others? Ah, they’d be okay. Plus, I didn’t know knew what they all wanted, who was working, and whether or not they would even be interested. I had a vague memory of Justin saying he had to go into Simon Fraser University for an in-person something or other to do with his PhD.
A doctorate. In clinical psychology.
I barely had a college diploma in programing. And that was only because my father threatened to take away all my gaming systems if I didn’t do something with my life. Two years later I had a diploma I never planned to use, and I was back in his basement full-time playing games.
What a fucking waste of a human being you are.
Was, I tried to correct myself. Was a waste.
I’d saved lives while in the war. By killing people with the drones I controlled, I’d saved our people from being killed by the soldiers on their side.
But I hadn’t been able to save my friends.
Four mangled and broken bodies.
Four families left to mourn.
Me being medevacked out of there and barely surviving. Pain. Blood. The smell of burning and—
I pulled onto a road off Cedar Street and struggled to breathe. I managed to get the car into park and cut the engine before the shaking overtook me. Trying to curl into a ball didn’t work well with a steering wheel in the way.
And wouldn’t be good for my chest anyway, so maybe obstructions were a useful thing.
Pressing my hands to my eyes, I tried to obliterate my memories. The sights. The smells. The taste.
A knock on my window had me startling and pulling my hands away from my face.
Perhaps I should’ve been scared of the figure looming over me, but I had enough of my wits about me that I could recognize I was in Mission City and not somewhere in a warzone.
Slowly, I rolled the window down.
“Hey.” The guy waved. “You okay? I’m a teacher at Cedar Street Elementary, and I saw you and I thought, you know, I’m just going to go say hi . My name’s Felix, and I’m not usually nosy, but—”
“Do you know Maddox?” What the fuck? That’s where your mind’s gone?
He eyed me. “Yeah. I live on Maddox’s street. My husband Jacob and I are friends with Maddox and Ravi.”
“And Justin?”
Slowly, he nodded. “Would you like me to call one of them?”
“Justin’s in school.” My voice came out calm, but I had no idea how.
“Right.” He offered a measured smile. “But I bet I could call someone else. There are plenty of people—”
“Simeon?”
Felix cocked his head. “Sure. My husband’s a contractor, and sometimes he hires Simeon for odd stuff. We’re also friends—through Maddox, which you’ve clearly figured out.” He yanked out his phone. “What’s your name?”
“Ryan.” Even that was a struggle.
“Great. Just one second.” The adorable dark-haired man stepped away from my car and held a brief conversation.
A bell rang over at the school. Only did I now realize there were tons of kids running around in the spitting rain.
Felix returned. “Simeon’s going to come with Rainbow. He can drive you wherever you need to go—including to the ranch if that works. Or home. Or to Maddox’s place, I suspect.”
“Your kids—” Ineffectually, I pointed.
“My friend Ben’s going to watch my class while I’m out here with you. I’ve got everything under control.” He hunched over. “Would you like to come into the school? You should probably roll up your window—you’re getting wet. And how cool is it you have a car with windows that, like, actually roll down?”
“Will you…?” I eyed my car.
“Sure, if you don’t mind.” Felix, apparently a mind reader, headed over to the passenger side.
I picked up the tray of drinks and food as he slid in.
He offered a smile.
“Do you drink coffee? I have a black one.”
“Nah, but thank you. That for Simeon?”
I nodded. “And a tea for me. Would you like the tea? Or a lemon loaf?” This all felt wholly inadequate.
“I’m good. But how about you sip your tea while we wait?”
He rescued the tray from my shaking hands.
I winced.
“It’s really okay. I deal with ten-year-olds having meltdowns every day. This is easy.”
Somehow, I believed him.
He handed me my thermal mug with the little tab from the tea-bag sticking out.
“Thank you.”
“Process of elimination.” He poked the paper bag with the food. “Did you eat breakfast?”
I shook my head.
“Do you think you could try to eat this? I find my kids always do better when they’ve eaten. Oh, my husband as well. He has a habit of working through lunch and then comes home super cranky.”
“Fun.” Was that the right response?
Felix smiled, his eyes sparkling. “I have his permission to take charge. He’s a good man.”
“Sounds like it. He hires Simeon?”
“Yeah. I mean, rarely. Simeon’s always so busy. Just he’s got a couple of skills that Jacob struggles to find guys with. So if he’s stuck, he calls Simeon. And he’s friends with all the guys on our street, and that makes him friends with me because, as you can see, I just make friends wherever I go.” He puffed out his chest.
I snorted.
He glanced at me sideways, then laughed. “Yeah, that’s what Jacob would say. I’m actually quite shy. Not with the kids…but with adults. It’s why I chose to teach.”
“Why me?” I needed to know.
“I saw what I perceived as pain. I mean my first thought was is he going to hurt the kids? That’s always my first thought. But then…I saw pain. I thought maybe physical pain…” He tapped the drink tray. “Thank you for not telling me to mind my own business.”
“That was an option?” I might’ve croaked that. “I’ve found Mission City residents are…nosier…than where I come from.”
“Where do you come from? I’m not detecting an accent…”
“Vancouver.”
He chuckled. “No, we’re not Vancouver. I did my teaching degree at Simon Fraser and that was as close to Vancouver as I wanted to get. I’m not a big-city guy. I like…simple. I like knowing my neighbors and being able to say hi to people I see all the time.”
“I think I need to try harder.”
He tilted his head. “You know Justin, Simeon, and Maddox. That’s a start.”
I smiled. “And Violet, Victor, Ravi, Rainbow, Kennedy, Avery…” I squinted. “And Sunshine and Dickens and Lena and…” I floundered. “That cute guy who gives me my Starbucks.”
“Tristan.”
“Right. Him.” I sipped my tea. “Marnie, Loriana, and Johanna at the library…”
“And you’ve been here how long?”
I squinted. “About a month. Oh, I can’t forget Dr. Raymond and Marcus.” I could’ve just opened my medical records—I was just vomiting out information.
“Good doctor, good physiotherapist.” Felix smiled. “You’re already part of the town. Oh, have you eaten at Fifties yet?”
I shook my head.
“Okay, best burgers in Mission City. If Sarabeth’s working, tell her Felix says hi .”
No way am I going to remember all this.
“Oh, here’s Rainbow.”
An SUV pulled onto the side of the road in front of us.
Felix waved. “Felix Stevenson. Just call anytime. We’re friends now.” He hopped out of the car, put the drink tray back on the seat, and closed the door.
Stunned, I sat for a moment longer as Felix shook hands with Simeon. As Felix hugged Rainbow, Simeon made his way over to me.
I lowered the window.
He dropped to a crouch so we were just about at eye level.
“I’m okay.” I forced a laugh. “But your coffee’s cold.”
“It’ll k-keep.” He held my gaze with those lovely and compassionate hazel eyes. “What do you need?”
You .
But I wouldn’t say that. I didn’t have the right. He didn’t need my shit. He didn’t need to be helping a man who could barely help himself.
“I don’t know.”
Slowly he nodded. “W-well, I think I should drive.”
“Yeah.”
“W-we can go back to y-your place. We c-can go to the ranch. You can come h-home with me.”
I cocked my head.
“W-we can hang out in my room. Well. I live in the b-basement. Huge space.”
“Your grandparents would be okay with that?”
Going home with him? It sounded…decadent. I should’ve been accepting a ride back to my apartment. Or going to the ranch for some counseling or some shit. Even if Justin wasn’t there, a plethora of other counselors worked there. Surely one of them could fit me in.
“Why don’t you c-come and meet Nanny and Bops? I can ask them to t-turn the television off. W-we can just sit. They’re g-good at sitting.”
I believed him. But the thought of people made my skin crawl. Well, people other than him. “Your basement?”
He nodded.
“Yeah…okay.”
He grinned. “I’ll t-tell Rainbow.”
I didn’t ask how he’d retrieve his truck. I didn’t ask how much money he’d lose if he spent the day with me. I didn’t even ask if he was certain he could deal with me and my neuroses.
Instead, when he came back, I let Rainbow guide me out of my car and around to the passenger side. She accepted, reluctantly, the coffee and lemon loaves. Well, until she broke into a grin and admitted Avery loved Starbucks coffee and Kennedy was partial to lemon loaves, and if there happened to be a second, Rainbow wasn’t going to turn it down.
She made me smile as she ensured I had my seatbelt secure.
Moments later, Simeon was getting into the driver’s seat.
And having to push said seat way back.
I smiled.
Maybe this’ll be okay.
Or not.
I just didn’t know.