18. Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Eighteen
Ryan
I t’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. Even repeating the mantra didn’t help. Nothing helped as I held myself as still as possible. Like any movement might give away my position.
“H-hey there.”
I jerked at Simeon’s speech. My gaze shot to his.
He held out his hands.
Mine were under the table. Painfully entwined. Completely frozen.
I shook my head.
Instead of backing down, he lowered his hands so they rested on the table. “I’m here w-when you’re ready. Because t-telling you they were just b-broken dishes—and that someone won’t really lose their job—doesn’t make things b-better for you. Because you’re n-not really here, are you? T-that’s okay. I’m here w-when you come back.”
I met his gaze. Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I realized that might’ve been the most words he’d ever spoken to me at one time. He tended to be brief. For certain, partly because of his stutter. But I was also under the impression part was because of his taciturn nature. He didn’t wax poetic because that wasn’t him. Why use ten words when three would do?
Slowly, with agony, I untangled my fingers. I fought to lengthen my breaths. Five things I can see, four things I can hear —
Yeah, okay, maybe not that. The din of the diner was back, and I didn’t find it comforting as I had earlier. Everything felt...loud. Disjointed. Disorienting.
Finally, on a huge exhalation, I yanked my hands from under the table and placed them in Simeon’s open and waiting ones.
He waited for me to grab on tight before he wrapped my cold fingers in his warm ones. That warmth seeped into me almost immediately. Taking hold and clinging tight.
“Hey folks.” Sarabeth appeared.
I tried to pull my hands back.
Simeon held tight.
“Shared blueberry milkshake.” She placed two tall glasses on the table along with two straws. “Your dinner was not affected by the dish disaster, so it’ll be out shortly.”
“N-no rush.”
She hesitated. “If you’re not in a rush, that would be appreciated.”
“N-none.” He broke my gaze to meet hers. “All g-good. We’re not in a hurry.”
“Thanks. That’ll help.” Without another word, she headed back to the front of the restaurant, pausing at several tables.
With a weird detachment, I watched her. She was a pretty young woman. Early twenties? Soft curves and a lovely smile. But a sadness lurked just below the surface. Or a weariness.
Eventually, when she disappeared, I found the courage to meet Simeon’s gaze.
Compassionate hazel eyes held me entranced.
Finally, after a long moment, I offered a small smile. “I’m okay.”
“I know y-you are.”
How can you be so certain when I’m so uncertain? How can you keep wanting to spend time with me when I keep losing it? I cleared my throat. “I’m sorry.”
He frowned. “F-for what?”
“Well, you know…” I tried to gesture with my hands, but he still held them tight.
To my relief. Somehow he was holding me together. Grounding me. Keeping me from flying apart.
“You d-don’t owe me an apology.” He blinked. “We’re good.”
I believed him. Whether from his time on the ranch, having wonderful role model grandparents, or just being an empathetic person—he really didn’t have a problem with this. Even the holding of hands. I would’ve bet my last dollar he didn’t normally do this. Especially in public. Or maybe he did, and I’d misread him. I just couldn’t be certain. Everything was shifting sand beneath my feet. “Our drink’s warming.”
He cocked an eyebrow.
“I’m really okay.” I squeezed his hands then gently pulled mine back.
He let me go.
Part of me regretted the loss of contact. But I couldn’t hold on forever. He couldn’t always be the one I turned to.
Why not?
That thought startled me, even as I removed the wrapper from the paper straw. As much as I wanted to whine about the paper, the world wasn’t going to come to an end—either from my panic attack or from me using a paper straw.
Somehow that thought, more than anything else, got me through the next two hours.
Simeon was self-effacing, a little reticent to talk about himself, and utterly charming. As we ate the delicious burgers Sarabeth delivered, we talked about our childhoods.
He didn’t say he’d been raised in a verbally abusive household, but reading between the lines wasn’t tough.
I didn’t own up to being raised to be a complete spoiled brat, but I didn’t hide the fact I’d been privileged to a level he could only begin to imagine.
He didn’t specifically explain why he’d been so adamant Spring not take a job with a Surrey newspaper, but his antipathy to his hometown was clear.
I didn’t talk about my time in the war, but I did talk about a few of the people I’d met in my time since returning to Canada.
By the time we finished eating, the joint was hopping and there was a line of people waiting. I patted my belly. “We should go.”
He smiled. “Yeah. Okay.”
As the meal progressed, he’d stuttered less. Or I hadn’t noticed it as much. Conversation had flowed.
We rose, and I shrugged into the coat I’d removed earlier.
He did the same with his jacket.
Before I knew what was happening, he was at the front and paying.
When I tried to get my card out, Sarabeth waved me off. “All good. Sorry about the fuss. Have a good night.”
Simeon stood by the door, waiting for me.
We exited together.
“You didn’t have to pay for me.” I couldn’t tell if I felt grateful or angry. I was using my dad’s credit card more—which annoyed the shit out of me. But he wouldn’t even notice. The money wasn’t even a drop in the bucket. No, that cash was a drop in the freaking ocean.
Well, maybe an Olympic-sized swimming pool.
I was getting off track.
“L-let me do something nice.” Simeon offered a shy smile as we stepped into the nasty night. We huddled as we hustled to our cars. “I’m g-going to follow you home.”
“It’s five blocks.”
He shrugged.
“Chivalrous.” Maybe a little heavy on the sarcasm?
He held up his phone. “Or you c-could call me.”
He yanked out his phone and frowned. Clearly in concentration. Then he shot me a text.
—Call or I’ll worry. —
I gazed up to meet his worried expression. In an unguarded moment, I wrapped my arms around his waist.
After just a fraction of a second’s hesitation—but long enough for me to question what the fuck I was thinking—he engulfed me in what I could only think of as a bear hug. Gently, though, of course. His breath on my neck, he whispered, “I’ve g-got you.”
I believed him.
We clung on until another car pulled into the lot. Then we stepped apart.
He held up his phone as he disarmed his truck.
My car didn’t have any form of alarm. And I never worried about it. The car wasn’t a classic. It certainly wasn’t worth stealing. I headed right, toward my apartment, while he headed left—back to the Cedar Connector and off to his home.
When I was inside, I barely had my coat off before I called him.
“Y-yep.”
“I’m home safe.”
“G-good.”
I grinned. “What were you listening to?”
He cleared his throat.
“I won’t judge.” I chuckled. “Country music, right?”
He made a gagging noise. For a fraction of a second, I thought he might be choking. Oh, he’s making a joke .
“Yeah, I hate country music too. I’m into eighties hair bands.”
He laughed. “I’m a S-Swiftie.”
“She’s country.” I knew she wasn’t these days, but I had to needle him. I headed to my fridge to grab a soda. I was still pretty full from dinner, but I needed to take my meds. Mission City water might be safe, but after those years of drinking water, sometimes I just enjoyed a soda.
“N-not her new stuff.” A low rumble.
“You don’t have to be defensive.”
“N-not.”
I laughed. “You so are. That’s okay, I liked her latest album.” And the ones she’d released when I’d been on the front lines. This time, I cleared my throat. “Drive safe, okay? Text me when you get home?”
He chuckled. “O-okay.”
Since more words wouldn’t come, I disconnected the call. He’d likely taken the call through Blue Tooth, but he shouldn’t be talking while driving. He had, like, deer to watch out for. Rainbow had warned me about them in the intro email she’d sent. Deer stepping in front of car must really be a thing for Rainbow to have mentioned it, and now I’m worried about Simeon.
Simeon’s shy smile the next morning, when I showed up coffee and lemon loaf, made me happy I’d come back. We spent the morning finishing the floor. We talked more than we had previously, although I couldn’t completely relax. After lunch with Rainbow and the entire Healing Horses team, I headed into Justin’s office for my appointment. I plopped onto the couch while he took one of the chairs.
He held my gaze. “I’ll apologize again—”
I held up my hand. “Truly no need. I mean, I feel almost good that someone needs you more than me. I mean, of course it’s bad for that person.” God, you sound like an idiot . “I’m just…glad you were here to help them.”
“Well, your understanding is appreciated. We don’t get emergencies often. Yesterday was…” He winced.
“Right. Well, all’s good.”
He cocked his head. “I’m going to be honest and say my son Angus talked to me last night about what happened.”
This time, I winced. “Please tell him I’m so sorry.”
“I can say he was pretty cool about it. He understands people are here to get help. He once was in that position. I’m not telling you anything he doesn’t randomly tell people. The day might come when he’s more circumspect, but he believes the ranch has a bit of magic about it. That we can make people feel better.” He swallowed. “He wanted to know how he could make you feel better.”
My throat closed up, and I blinked repeatedly. Finally, I found words. “He wants to help me? I don’t even know how to help myself.”
“You’re here, Ryan. That’s helping yourself. You’re starting to open up about what’s been going on in your mind. That’s helping yourself. You’re doing the exercises you’ve been taught—”
“I had, like, three panic attacks in three days.”
He cocked his head. “I don’t think I knew about all three…”
“Simeon helped.” I could admit that much. “He was there for me.”
Another smile. “That’s great. Why don’t you take me through what happened? Despite everything, you’re okay in this moment, right?”
“Yeah.” Said cautiously.
“Then that shows you have resiliency. You came back to the ranch today. You helped Simeon and then you had lunch with us. You’re coming to the decorating party tonight, right?”
I’d seriously considered bailing. And yet… “Is Angus going to be here?”
Justin checked his watch. “He’ll be here shortly. Stanley, my husband, is bringing Opal as well.”
I drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Yeah, I’m coming to the party.”