TARQUIN
“Come on, Daniel, answer the phone, goddammit!” Tarquin whispered, tears starting to form at the corner of his eyes. ”What’s so difficult? Just press a button and let me know where you are, it’s very simple! You are a very intelligent man, babe, you can do that! Or maybe you don’t want to come home anymore? Talk to me, I would understand, I wouldn’t be mad at you, I swear I wouldn’t!”
After a few more minutes of monologue, Tarquin decided to get up from the floor, where he slid down during the first, mild panic attack, half an hour earlier, when he tried to contact Daniel for the first time and his husband didn’t pick up. However, just the first one, that attempt was also doomed to fail, because the room started to spin again.
The blond slid back to the wall, back against the cold wall. Tarquin was living in that house for more than four years, and never, until then, had he noticed how cold the walls were. Maybe, the blond thought, it was happening for a reason, telling him that he is no longer wanted there. That must be it, Daniel must have had enough of his insignificant, geeky, perfectionist self and he decided to replace him.
His mother was right, Tarquin thought, knees hugged against his chest. No matter how much the blond tried, he couldn’t be something else than a pathetic form of life, something between an amoeba and a snail, crawling and trying to get unnoticed. But amoebas were a source of food for plants, and snails ended up crushed or poisoned.
Poison, yes, that was him for all the people in his life: always whining, complaining, depressed, moody, never happy, always finding a reason to not be happy. Because of him, Elliott was abandoned at birth and his parents’ marriage was ruined. He brought poor Daniel to the point of despair, accused him of cheating on him and rejected his own children.
His passiveness drove Dorothea away and built a wall between them. Instead of drowning in self-pity, he should have gone and looked for her. Tarquin mentally scowled, but he was a goddamn coward, like always. He was the one who got the girl pregnant, leaving her to deal with the consequences all by herself.
No wonder his husband had enough of him, and decided to go without looking back. Being the good, responsible, caring father he was, once he and a new life partner would settle down, Daniel would come for the children. Gabriel and the girls, of course, he wouldn’t want the twins, those would grow up whiny and annoying, just like him.
Suddenly, Tarquin felt dizzy, or was just the room that started spinning at light-speed, like a crazy carousel possessed by a demonic force. The buzzing noise inside his head was driving the blond crazy, so he put his hands over his ears, trying to block it, with no success whatsoever. The sound of a voice and a man’s worried voice were the last things he registered, before plunging into the darkness.
“Thanks to all the deities you are awake, brother!” Elliott’s voice was sweet music to his ears, after the piercing buzz from earlier. “You scared the hell out of us all, we thought...never mind, you’re awake now.”
“Sorry for oversleeping,” Tarquin offered his twin a weak smile, then he noticed Eugene was also present. “Hello, big guy, thank you for being here. Did you feed the girls? Poor things must be starving, while their irresponsible father is here, lazing around.” The blond tried to get up, but his brother-in-law gently pushed him back between the pillows.
“Easy, little fellow, everything was taken care of in your absence. We took the twins, Rayne volunteered for the girls, and Gabriel is camped at Mister Stark’s, with Gerrard, but he also travels back and forth between his siblings, so don’t worry, we got everything covered.”
“Wait a minute,” Tarquin frowned, confused by Eugene’s words, “you speak as if I was missing from home for weeks. Can someone tell me what happened? Elliott?” he turned to his twin, who started to fidget on the edge of the bed.
“There’s no point in hiding this from you,” Eugene started to speak in a calm voice, “you would find out, eventually. Tarquin, you’ve been ill, like seriously ill, you’ve been hospitalized for one week. During this time, your heart almost gave up, your entire body was low on nutrients, it was like...like you didn’t want to live anymore, like you were too tired to fight for your life.”
“Rayne, Maxine and even Alasdair did all they could, all three of them were amazing. In the end, you’ve come around, but there's still a long way to go until you are completely recovered,” Elliott took his twin’s hand between his own.
Tarquin didn’t say anything, just blinked a few times, still very confused about the whole thing. What his brother-in-law just told him didn’t make sense, the girls’ birthday party was only a day earlier, it couldn’t be a week or more since then. But when Elliott said he needed time to recover from the trauma, the blond remembered.
The splitting headache, the dizziness, the claw clutching his chest and squeezing his heart, the piercing noise that didn’t want to stop...all those things were real, and not some nightmares plaguing his sleep. And then, the realization hit Tarquin full force: Daniel wasn’t there, meaning that the part about him leaving was also real. No matter how much he hated that part, the blond had to ask.
“Is... Did Daniel come back home?” He looked straight into Eugene’s eyes, knowing that his brother-in-law wasn’t capable of lying to him.
“No word from him until now,” the man spoke gently, “but we won’t give up hope, there are search parties looking for him right as we speak. Most of them are Ardan’s boys and “Bratva” members, they won’t leave a single stone unturned.”
“He left all identification documents home,” Tarquin lowered his gaze, sounding tired and defeated. His ID card or drivers license, and everything that could help with his identification. It’s time to accept the reality, guys: my husband, the father of our children, got tired of this,” he gestured around. “He left us behind and made a new life someplace else, with someone else.”
“I know your husband well enough to tell you that he’s not that kind of man,” Eugene shook his head. “However, even if he did, you have to keep going, to be strong for the kids. We will be there whenever you’ll need help, all of us, your fathers-in-law included. You need to keep going, for your sake and the children’s. But for now, you need to rest.”
“No, I’ve had more than enough rest, it’s time to get my ass back to work, I have five children to raise. I will have plenty of rest at night, though, I won’t allow myself to fail them.”
“Okay, but you shouldn’t push yourself too hard from the start,” Elliott nodded. “Rayne says that your body is still weak after that massive shock. You also need to eat properly and drink plenty of water.” The young man’s voice was a mix of worry and brotherly affection, warming Tarquin’s heart.
“I’ll ask mammina to move in here for a couple of weeks, to take care of you and the kids,” Eugene said, after a moment of silence. “It doesn’t mean I don’t consider you capable of taking care of you, I hope you know that.”
“Of course not, and thank you, I was going to ask mamma Rosa to come here and help me myself, I’m more than aware I have to take it slowly. You guys are already of great help, thank you so much,” Tarquin smiled.
Later, when Elliott and his husband left, the blond started to wander around the house, as if he saw it for the first time. He felt the need to get reacquainted with the place, the furniture, the decorations, to get familiar with each room and every object. It didn’t matter that the memory of Daniel accompanied him everywhere, Tarquin felt a consuming need to do that.
Eventually, after going up and down the stairs, walking down the corridors, going in and out of the rooms, the blond got tired, but only physically. His mind, well rested during the ten days that followed that terrible night, started to work feverishly, going through all the things that needed to be done.
Tarquin made mental notes about the things he wanted to discuss with Rayne and his in-laws, with Mallory, Eugene, his brother and Alastair Stark. Once again, the man left his father outside, considering it completely unnecessary to bother him with his problems. Besides, knowing him like he did, Tarquin was sure his parent would feel guilty for the situation, when in fact it wasn’t his fault at all.
He wasn’t even sure if the entire situation could have been prevented in any way, or if it would have happened no matter what. Makhtoub, the blond whispered, closing his eyes and fighting back the tears. “What’s done, is done, and there is no point crying overspilt milk,” Tarquin thought, deciding to take the most difficult step: talking with the children.
Initially, he intended to have separate talks with Gabriel and the twins, but decided against it. They were brothers, not belligerent countries that had to be convinced by the necessity of a peace treaty, the blond mentally huffed. Although considerably more mature for their age, all three of them were still children, reacting like such, and needing consolation from each other and him, as their only remaining father.
Only remaining, not only surviving, Tarquin thought. No matter how much Daniel’s abandonment pained him, the blond didn’t wish him to be dead, only because the two of them weren’t together anymore. On the contrary, knowing his husband was alive and well, even if he was in another man’s arms made things much easier for the blond.
Tarquin heard the entrance door opening, and went to greet the visitors, whoever they were. In the grand hall, Emery and Lochlin were holding hands, with Gabriel right behind them, acting as a guard, his hands protectively wrapped around his younger brothers’ shoulders.
“Come on, boys,” the blond smiled brightly, in spite of the pain stabbing his heart, “let’s go to the living-room. I have things to discuss with all of you.”
“Are you going to leave us, like papa did? Are we going to split now?” Emery whispered, lowering his head, so the others couldn’t see his teary eyes.
“No, I’m here to stay, and you aren’t going anywhere. In fact, this is what I want to talk to you about,” Tarquin hugged the three boys to his chest, taking in a sharp breath.
“Are you and papa going to divorce each other?” Gabriel’s intense blue eyes pierced the blond’s crystalline ones.
“I don’t know,” the blond shook his head in defeat. “Your papa didn’t get in touch with me or his parents, none of us know anything about where he is or what he does. Ardan’s crew and some of the best trained “Bratva” field men are trying to track him down. However, even if it’s going to be a divorce, a custody agreement would be in your best interest.”
“Doesn’t papa love us anymore?” Lochlin quietly spoke. He was so different from his usual, bouncy self, the sight of him making Tarquin’s heart bleed. “Did he go away because I was a bad boy? I’ll be very nice, and promise not to get into trouble ever again, if he comes back to us.”
“Oh, Lochlin, my sweet, dear, beloved, lovely boy, and you, too, Emery and Gabriel, listen to me. Your father is not mad at you, on the contrary, he will always love you and your little sisters, no matter what. You’ll always be in his heart, no matter how long he will be gone,” Tarquin fought the lump in his throat, praying that his words would be convincing enough for the kids to believe them.
“You can count on me to help you with the boys,” Gabriel ruffled his brothers’ unruly curls, his eyes a little shinier than before. “Even if those two can be a royal pain in the neck sometimes, I love them to pieces. My life would be boring without my blond brothers in it, combinando dei guai, like Uncle Claudio says.”
“Good,” Tarquin smiled, “because I’ll need your help to stay strong. I may slip and fall from time to time, but I’ll get up, it’s a promise. And Lochlin, it’s ok to stir trouble once in a while, you don’t have to change yourself, to suppress who you really are. I’ll be very disappointed if you would do that, understand, Sir Chatalot?”
And so the long road to healing started, for the father and the sons alike. At Elizabeth’s advice, Tarquin took the twins and Gabriel to a children’s psychologist. The specialist, a very nice lady by the name of Beryll Jackson-Turman helped them a lot, especially Gabriel, to open up about Daniel missing from their life.
In spite of his father’s assurances, however, Lochlin changed a lot, becoming even quieter than his twin. Guilt continued to gnaw at the little boy, making him avoid the company of his Brentano cousins, focusing on his little sisters instead. From feeding to changing them, he took everything upon himself, not letting anyone to help him, not even Tarquin.
Until one day, when Sebastian found Lochlin asleep in the library, curled on the floor. It was the moment for the blond to step in, and so he did, explaining to the kid that, besides being changed and fed, his little sisters also need to spend time in the company of the Brentano triplets. Supervising them, Tarquin suggested, would be the perfect job for the responsible older brother Lochlin was.
Miss Beryll, as the children affectionately called their psychologist, also explained to thelittle, blond boy that seeing him genuinely happy does wonders for his father, allowing him to focus on other aspects of their family life. It was all right for him to run around, playing hide and seek and have a good laugh in the company of Emery, Evan and Aidan.
“Mister Ballard, I want to talk to you for a moment,” Beryll Jackson-Turman said one day after the group therapy session was over. “Kids, will you please leave us alone for a couple of minutes?” she turned to the three children, smiling. “I promise it won’t be long.”
“It’s alright”, Gabriel nodded, “take your time, we’ll wait here. Come on, kiddos, take a seat and let the adults do the talking.”
“I appreciate it very much boys,” Beryll offered them another bright smile. “This way, Mister Ballard,” she gestured to the office’s entrance.
“Are there any problems?” Tarquin worriedly asked, as soon as the psychologist closed the door.
“You tell me,” the woman looked straight into the blond’s eyes. “Lochlin imitates you in everything, you are his role model. Pushing people away, especially those who want to help you, seems to be your specialty, Mister Ballard.”
“I don’t know what you are talking about,” Tarquin furrowed his brows, confusion written all over his face, “I never rejected any help, on the contrary, I asked my brother, his husband and in-laws for it every time I needed it. I think they are already fed up with me,” he tried to joke.
”What about your in-laws, the fathers of your husband? How many times did you ask them for help?”
“It wasn’t necessary,” Tarquin replied, his voice suddenly flat and dry. “I got it covered with the little girls, and Gabriel went to his grandparents each time he missed them.”
“What about Emery and Lochlin? Didn’t you need help with them, too?” For the second time, Beryll’s eyes pierced the blond’s ones.
“No, I didn’t, they are my responsibility, I can’t burden Mister Bloom or Mister Van Sloot with them. They have enough on the plate already, wondering what’s happened with their son. Besides, to be honest, I don’t want any accusatory looks pointed in my children’s direction.”
“So, do you think the fathers of your husband consider Emery and Lochlin responsible for their son disappearing without a trace?”
“No, not yet, anyway. But, as the time will pass, instead of searching for answers, they’ll start searching for someone to put the blame on. When the time comes, I want to be that someone, not my innocent boys. However, you are right about one thing: my husband’s fathers should spend more time with the baby girls.”
The psychologist looked at the young man in front of her, sighing internally. The determination Tarquin put in protecting his biological children against his in-laws” eventual attacks and accusations was admirable, but very dangerous at the same time.
It put a clear line between “us” and “them”, between “the twins” and “Gabriel and the baby girls”, isolating the brothers from one another. Beryll wasn’t sure how the blond was going to take that, but she had to warn him about the potential negative consequences of his actions.
“Mister Ballard, look,” she coughed lightly, “you could be right, but at the same time, you could be also terribly wrong in your assumptions. What if your in-laws miss their grandsons, but don’t dare to tell you, afraid that you may misinterpret their words and intentions?”
“Misinterpret them? I don’t see how,” Tarquin replied, suddenly tired. All he wanted was to get home and cuddle with all his children, watch a movie or do whatever else they wanted to do.
“For instance, you may be afraid that they would want to estrange the children from you. You are protective of them, and that’s good, but please, consider discussing it with your in-laws. Or at least with Emery and Lochlin, see if they miss their granddads.”
“Very well,” Tarquin nodded, leaving the seat, “I will follow your advice. Thank you for your time, doctor, make sure to send me the bill,” the blond shook her hand. “I insist yoube paid for your work,” he offered the same tired smile.
All the way to the mansion, Tarquin didn’t say a word, replaying the discussion he just had with doctor Beryll Jackson-Turman, and he had to admit she was right, at least partly. After the first few days since he was released from the hospital, the blond politely, but coldly thanked Sebastian and Joraan for taking care of things in his absence, telling them that he had everything under control.
Until then, Tarquin didn’t realize that, by pushing them aside, he did to his in-laws the exact thing he was afraid they would do to the twins: accuse them of Daniel abandoning his family. No words were spoken, but the blond’s actions spoke from themselves, more than a thousand words.
“Daddy, did Miss Beryll say bad words to you? Did she scold you?” Lochlin asked, making Tarquin flinch.
“No, why, did she scold you?” the blond worriedly asked, eyes on the road. “Because if she did...”
“You weren’t paying attention to the road, and you continue not to,” Gabriel spoke softly. “Also, you didn’t answer Emery when he asked you if we could order pizza. He repeated the question three times in a row.”
“Sorry, guys,” Tarquin smiled apologetically. “Yes to the pizza, no to me not paying attention to the road. I’m driving as carefully as always, and I know exactly where the road takes us.”
“To Grandpa Sebastian and Grandpa Joraan’s house. Are we going to pay them a visit?” Lochlin asked cautiously.
“Only if you want to,” Tarquin answered in the same tone his son used. “You better tell me now, so I can turn the car around and go back home.”
“Aren’t you mad at the granddaddies?” Emery’s low voice took his father by surprise. “Last time when they visited, Grandpa Joraan said that he’s sorry for everything, and that he hoped to see us at least once in a while. Grandpa Sebastian sighed and we thought the three of you had a fight and that’s why we don’t go there anymore.”
The little boy’s words were for Tarquin more painful than a knife stabbing through his heart, and he mentally cursed his stubbornness, blessing Doctor Jackson-Turman at the same time. If it wasn’t for her words, he wouldn’t have realized how much the twins missed their grandfathers.
“What a big and pleasant surprise! Boys, we have visitors!” Sebastian called, standing in the doorway, unable to react at the sight of the twins, holding hands, big grins spread on their cute little faces. “Please, come on in,” he moved out of the doorway.
“Oh, what a lovely sight for my old eyes,” Vincent exclaimed, taking Lochlin and Emery into his arms. “I missed you a lot, cuties,” he sighed happily. “Tarquin, why are you standing there? Come and take a seat, last time I checked we had a big kitchen.”
“Thank you, Mister Grant”, the blond nodded, pouring himself a glass of juice. The gesture was natural, nothing forced in it. “I have a favor to ask of all of you,” he hesitantly spoke, looking at the three men, while the kids already found their way to the room dedicated to them.
“Ask away,” Joraan gave him an encouraging look. “The answer is yes by default,” the redhead smirked.
“You see, I’m a little overwhelmed right now and I would need some time with myself. I was wondering if...”
“Sure, go home and have some rest, we’ll take care of the little ones,” Sebastian cut his son-in-law short, smiling with all his teeth. “Call us when you want them back and we’ll bring them,” he added.
Tarquin looked at the men, gratitude in his eyes. They loved the twins, he worried for nothing. It was about time to stop looking over his shoulder, and finding blame for everything. Living without Daniel by his side was going to be excruciatingly painful, but not impossible. In the end, he will be alright. All of them will, the blond smiled.